(Closed) Already stressing out about guest list – how to make it smaller

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I don’t know your situation but off the top of my head –

Cut out extended family (aunts, cousins, etc.)

Cut out coworkers

Don’t invite anyone out of guilt, even if they invited you to their wedding

Only invite guests for those who have serious SOs

Cut out children

 

Post # 5
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

@S.Elizabeth.G:  Are you having a difficult time cutting cousins? It sounds like you either need to cut them out or change your dream of an intimate wedding. 

Post # 7
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

@S.Elizabeth.G:  Probably the best way to avoid conflict is to invite all cousins or no cousins. Cutting some like you said could cause people to feel like they’re being left out or you’re playing favorites. 

Post # 8
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Don’t underestimate how many people will RSVP no.  We invited 108, and we’re having 50 attend.  (Although its a semi-destination wedding and there’s some family drama).  While I tend to dislike the notion of A and B lists, they can be really helpful in a situation like yours.

 Try having a list of people you really want to be there, and send these out 8 weeks in advance.  Since these are the people you’re closest too, you’ll hear back quickly if they’re able to come or not.  Look to see how many seats you have left, and then invite people from your B list 6 weeks out. 

Post # 9
Member
3969 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

If you are keeping it very small, ONLY close friends (i.e. 3-5 for you, and 3-5 for him), and family– only aunts, uncles, grandparents, parents. 

Post # 10
Member
554 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Re cousins – how many of them do you see/talk to regularly? I’d be inclined to only invite the ones who are actually part of your lives. I’ve got 5 on my side, 2 I grew up with & 3 that are all heaps older than me & I’ve met maybe 6 times in my whole life… the 3 estranged ones are not getting invited.

Although for dimplomacy, you could do as PP said & either invite all or none. A mate went to her cousin’s wedding when not all cousins invited (in fact she was & her parents invited, her bro & sis were not). This mate got some evil eyes from aunts & uncles whose kids didn’t make the list.

Post # 11
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Oops, getting a little more specific to your post:  there is no rule that you have to invite “all cousins or none.”  Your relationship with each cousin may vary, as PP said, and if you have had rare interactions with some, they are not going to mind not being invited.  I only invited first cousins who I/my parents are close to, and left out ones who I had not seen/spoken to in years.  My grandmother asked if one of these non-invited cousins was invited, and I explained that he wasn’t.  So far, no one’s made a peep!

Post # 12
Member
41 posts
Newbee

Hello! Had to reply because we just went though the same thing Smile. We also wanted to keep our wedding around 50 people, to make that work we had to draw the line at aunts and uncles (they are invited, but no cousins). We did a across the board no cousins at all, although there are some we are closer too and some we are definitely not, most fell somewhere in the middle and in some cases we were closer to one sibling than another, and it was just going to get messy if we picked some and not others (but, I totally understand that this might be a viable option for some people). It was really hard, there are many cousins that I am close to … but it was the only way to have the small wedding we wanted. You may offend some people, I have a cousin who was pretty pissed, but we decided they will just have to be adults about it and realize that we still care for them and we are being as thoughtful as we can in our choices about the wedding. Good luck!

Post # 13
Member
762 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I got a similar issue. me and my FI both have huge families and our venue only allows for 180 guests (couldnt afford bigger). I did my side of the list and im already at 100 which does include a few of his side of the family that i could think of but not many. I suggest do what ive been doing. Start by seperating down the absolute yeses like certain family members and if you got any certain family and those involved in the wedding from those who can be maybes. then build it up from your maybe list. im still keeping a “maybe” list for after i send out the first invites for those who reply no that i send out some for the top maybes so i can still have a full house of friends and family

Post # 14
Member
1304 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Pick an inconvenient location.  We live near NYC and decided to get married upstate, three hours away.  It weeded out approximately half the invitees.  We invited 167, 86 accepted, and 76 showed up (not including the two of us).  It was perfect.  And not a single coworker bothered to come!

Post # 15
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 1993

@S.Elizabeth.G:  Immediate family only. That means parents, brothers and sisters (and spouses,) and their children if you are including children. I did that for my wedding and it worked out great (25 guests.) We did end up inviting a few very close friends (2 of whom served as Maid of Honor and Best Man.) But that was it. Made it very easy to lay down the law about keeping the wedding small so that it was intimate and we could afford it.  I have only one regret, and that was that my parents asked me to invite an elderly aunt (who was not going to come anyway) because I was named after her and they wanted to be kind. I was a total jerk and said no, I only wanted people I knew at my wedding and I wasn’t going to invite anyone I didn’t know personally. So I denied this frail, old, lonely person the joy of at least being acknowledged with an invitation. 22 years later I still regret that. So have your rules, but don’t be a jerk like I was.

 

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