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My wedding was a few days ago. Two days before my wedding my husband and I got into a fight which was really spurred by messy individuals in our families but neither of us did what we should have done. We had a joint bachelor/bachelorette party and I felt sick. Instead of my fiance making sure I was ok, he went off and got lap dances and hung out with his friends, in the same place. So, I decided I wanted to leave because the night just wasn't going well. To make a long story short, he didn't even come after me. I gave him his ring back and asked him how he could do that to me. Ignore me at our own party two days before our wedding as if he had no regard for me. On top of that, his brother, a complete idiot who I don't trust for many reasons including flirting with my own mother, brought him lap dances as I left the party angry.
After arguing in a parking lot for an hour, which is completely ridiculous and unlike the two of us, we went to our hotel. We slept in separate beds and instead of him talking to me, he helped his brother, who cussed out my bridesmaid, get home because he was drunk and lost.
We worked it out in the morning because we realized that all the actions the night before were completely out of character and it was a horrible situation. However, I can't get it out of my head. On top of that, his brother, whom i strongly dislike, did the best man's toast while I was changing into another outfit. So I missed the toast at my own wedding, and my husband didn't even think to tell him to wait or to stop. On top of that, I was by myself most of my wedding as my husband, instead of hanging out with me, went off to dance with his brother and talk to people even though it was announced that they were welcome to come up and talk to us.
I feel like I married someone I don't know. He's usually so caring and thoughtful, but during the wedding process, a time when I feel he would have enhanced his every day caring demeanor, he failed me. I cry about this every day. I couldn't even enjoy part of our first night together because I was thinking about it. I now don't even want to turn in the certificate to get the license. Please help! I want out.
I am SO sorry that you are feeling so badly. My heart goes out to you ! What I understand is that your husband's normal character is to be caring and attentive and thoughtful, right? So why don't you go to him and tell him how you feel? You two may just chalk it up to "experience" move on with the rest of your lives.
Unless, were you feeling doubtful at another point in the past in your relationship with him?
I'm sorry you're feeling this way but it does sound like the stress of the wedding is what led to all of this happening. He was probably stressed and scared about making the lifelong commitment, while you were stressed that everything go perfectly (i.e. guests come to your table to talk to you). In six months, this will not be a big deal. It's disappointing though that you can't think of your wedding as a joyous occasion, but honestly it's not worth dwelling on it any more. It's one day (although we girls make it into a HUGE deal) and you've got your whole marriage together ahead of you. Don't make a rushed decision and do something crazy based on two days that didn't go according to your plan. You marriage is with the man you've know for ___ years -- not just the guy who behaved badly for two days. Focus on the positive and move forward is what I would do. As easy as it is for us to give you advice here, you have to really be willing to let it go though or else it will fester inside of you and you will carry anger toward him.
I mean there are ways out of the marriage if that is what you want. Since it is still early you can get an annulment which basically makes the marriage void for legal purposes.
If you love this man, and want to make it work I of course I suggest counselling. (I suggest going to counselling anyways if an annulment is your choice.) Talking to him tell him how you feel about his behavour at the wedding and tell him going to counselling would be important for you.
I'm sorry that you're feeling so sad. What you've described would make me sad as well! I would suggest talking to your husband and letting him know what's bothering you. Bring up the fact that this seems so out of character for him and you're wondering what's going on. You don't want to start out your new marriage resentful and not communicating so talking to him seems the best course of action. Hopefully, when you let him know how you feel he'll explain what his thoughts and feelings are and you guys can go from there. Good luck!
I don't know, this sounds like overreacting to me. Maybe its still too recent for you to step back and evaluate what happened. If this is really out of character for him then you should tell him how you feel and try to move on. If marriages always ended based on a few incidents the divorce rate in this country would be 99%. I don't see anything wrong with him socializing during your wedding, I would think it was strange if the groom just sat at his table and expected all the guests to come over and talk to him. Weddings are stressful and if you were drinking at your bachelor/bachelorette that could explain the fighting.
How certain are you that you want out? Do you think that talking about it will help to resolve some issues? If there's even a small part of you that wants to work this out, I would suggest trying. Some people have suggested counseling, and I think that's a great idea. There's no shame in it!
Does your husband know how you feel? Maybe he has no clue that you're so upset. I know that a LOT of emotions come out during planning a wedding, and usually once it's over, they go away.
Keep us updated, it helps to vent!
Thanks for the comments. I have talked to him about the argument. He said he just didn't want to hang out with me but he handled it the wrong way. He wanted his own time and so he ignored me to get it. This surprised me completely. We're always together and there were several other couples enjoying themselves together amongst everyone else. By the way, he usually acts really different around his brother who is a complete womanizer, but never this badly.
@unhappywife10: Oh no, that's a horrible update ! How can he say that to you? Now I know why you want out :(
Maybe leave, but just for a few days to a spa and gather your thoughts? Allow him to miss you? Although I know that's a terrible thing to have to say about newlyweds.
I think he was definitely having cold feet and freaking out about the serious commitment. It hit my husband pretty hard the night before our wedding, too. It's not like they want to back-out or they don't love you, but I think it just hits them like a ton of bricks all of a sudden that they are GETTING MARRIED. I don't know what it is with them but trust me, it's not uncommon.
I'm confused as to why he would say he didn't want to spend time with you at your wedding. That's a bit ridiculous. Have you been having problems before the wedding or did these things start closer to the wedding?
How has he been acting towards you since the wedding? It just seems off that he would say he needed alone time at his own wedding. That should be time for you two to have a few moments and then spend time with your families and friends enjoying your first few hours of marriage.
I can understand why you're unhappy and your husband probably was insensitive at times towards you. However, try to step in his shoes a little. Considering that bachelor's/bachelorette's parties and weddings are usually crazy stressful, all of his behaviors are not only understandable but also definitely not deal breakers.
Sometimes you cannot expect him to know what you think should come naturally from him. I doubt he wants to make you feel bad or neglected on purpose. It's probably hard for him to think about every single details that could make or ruin your day if 1) there is a crazy brother around, 2) if he just wanted to have some fun at his party, and 3) there are tens or hundreds of guests to entertain.
@unhappywife10: How is your husband acting now? Is he back to his usual self?
Yall should of had different parties...I know I look into things more than i should so i understand some of where you are coming from..but...your bachoreltte party is about you and your friends and his should of been about his and his friends, mixing them together at a strip club probably wasnt the best idea... His brother sounds like an ass, does he live close to yall? Is he around alot?
The Big question is...Do you LOVE him and is this worth fighting for??
I have a hard time believing anyone would act that way at their bachelor and bachelorette parties or at their wedding. Sounds like counseling is the way to go before any drastic decisions are made.
yeah...it's been three days since the wedding. little early to be calling it quits.
I agree the mixed parties were a bad idea. Of COURSE he wants his own time with his own friends. Why would that bother you? Honestly I couldn't be in a relationship where we are joined at the hip. I need my time to enjoy my friends and he gets that same time. My FI and I do spend a lot of time with each other (more than our friends), but we don't spend ALL our time together.
Part of a wedding is going around a socializing, but again not always as the "joined at the hip" couple. This all really worries me and not neccessarily about his behavior. I recommend counseling, both individual and couple. It sounds like there are some issues with seperation and individuality that didn't get resolved before the marriage. Those are dangerous things to have in a marriage.
Wedding events are chaotic and it's hard for anyone to control all the moving parts. I also missed the toast at our rehearsal dinner, which was essentially my wedding toast because the father of the bride refused to do the toast in front of all the wedding guests. What can you do? It's nobody's fault, really. I think you're letting a trivial thing ruin your wedding memories. Try to put it past you and move on. This isn't the sort of thing you end a marriage over.
I think with all the stress of wedding planning, and the parties, you are very emotional and overreacting... Get some rest, it helps with gaining perspective.
He told you that for the party he wanted to have his own time, and this is ok. He should get to have his own time, anytime he wants. Now he didn't handle it well and he recognized it. Sounds like an apology to me. Learn from that, and in the future, discuss both your expectations beforehand - so there will be no surprises.
You do not like his brother's guts, but your DH ain't his brother and you need to trust that he will behave even when he's with his brother...
Do you really want to breakup and not spend your life with this man, over this? If so, maybe you were never ready for marriage in the first place. There will be times in life that will be way more difficult that this, and only your solid commitment to each other will ensure that you make it through as a couple..
I think a lot of folks might be missing the main point here. Regardless of whether or not you believe they should have had a separate bachelor/ette party, they did NOT have one and they obviously made that decision together. The point is his uncharacteristic behavior, which was not influenced by alcohol since they weren't drinking, and how uncomfortable that is making the OP. He obviously was acting VERY out of character and that worries the OP because she has not seen this behavior prior to now. I would be worried too, if my soon-to-be-husband acted that way toward me and was completely indifferent to my feelings.
@futuremominlaw : Those kind of remarks are not supportive, nor do they address the issue or topic at hand. The OP is looking for support and advice, not whether or not someone believes this is a true story.
@unhappywife10 : Along with @MissChapstick, I would like to know how he is acting toward you now. It sounds like you guys have a lot of feelings that need to be addressed. If it is bothering you this badly (and it probably is bothering him, too) you simply can't ignore it and hope it will get better. I'm not saying to end your marriage over this, but it communication is KEY and it's not always easy. Best of luck to you both, and I sure hope you guys can find a resolution!
I am sorry to hear you are in such a bad place so soon after your wedding! With that said though, I COMPLETELY agree with serasvictoria! Who's idea was the "Jack and Jill" party? Maybe he didn't know / was afraid to tell you how he really felt about having that night to himself with his friends...?
Unhappy, I'm really sorry you are going through this! Let me just say that first of all, I think your bachelor/bachelorette parties should have been separate and that was a big part of what went wrong. There is a reason they are named bachelor parties, the guys (and girls) need to be alone and have a night out AWAY from each other. I understand there is a big trend to combine them, but honestly I think it's a terrible idea. Do I like to think about what my DH did on his bachelor party away from me? No, but he needed that time to be with his friends and party it up, I gave it to him and he is forever grateful. That is what a healthy relationship is about.
Second, this brother in law sounds a little toxic. He seems jealous that you are taking his brother away and trying to sabatoge your relationship. It is up to your husband to sort this out, but you should make him aware that it's you or him from now on.
You may need to see a counselor to work some of these issues out, but I doubt your husband is a different person than the man you fell in love with. During our premarital sessions with our reverend, we spoke a lot about relationships both good and bad that will affect our marriage. Your brother in law is totally one of the toxic relationships we spoke about and while it is important to remain close to family, if he is hurting your bond you need to keep your distance. Friends are also really important to your relationship, so I would make sure none of his friendships were damaged by what happened on your joint party.
Ok, so your jack and jill party didnt work out as planned, and your wedding day didn't exactly go like you though it did either. Take a step back and try to evaluate your relationship objectively. Have you guys often "misunderstood" each other's expectations and gotten into fights as a result? When you two started planning your parties and wedding, how did you discuss your expecations? What was the decision process like? How did you guys make sure both of your dreams for the wedding/marriage come true?
Because it sounds like you two are having some communication issues and not quite seeing eye-to-eye. I don't think your marriage is doomed, but you two need to come up with a more solid and reliable form of communicating. The only way to start is by talking to him.
How much of this is post-nuptual depression? It sounds like you're mostly disappointed that things didn't meet your expectations more than anything else.
Counseling is probably a good idea. A bad wedding experience doesn't mean a bad marriage.
let us know how it goes. You really really need to talk to him and expplain how his behavior makes you feel. Don't be accusatory, it will put him on the defense. Instead of, "I can't believe you said_____" say "when you said/did ______, it made me feel _____"
Then, and I know that this is the hard part, really, truly try to understand where he is coming from. And I COMPLETELY agree with @moderndaisy: sounds like this brother is a toxic element in your relationship. Express to your husband how his behavior around his brother is affecting the both of you. And yes, you should get counseling, because it sounds like you two could use a little help opening communication highways.
good luck, I know you're probably feeling crummy right now, but you can fix this!
I'm in the camp that thinks you need to take a step back because you are kind of overreacting about this.
Even if you are at a joint bachelor/bachelorette party that doesn't mean that the two of you are supposed to be attached at the hip. Joint or separate, it is still an opportunity to decompress and have fun with your closest friends (not necessarily with each other). Yes - he didn't handle it the best way possible but he recognized this and apoligized.
And for your wedding - again, he should be able to socialize with your guests and there is no reason for him to be attached at the hip to you all night. And if you two weren't together, that is as much your fault as his. You could have walked up to him anytime that evening; maybe he's wondering why you weren't hanging out with him! As for missing the toast - mistakes happen. Everyone has things at their wedding that don't go as planned. snmcdowell missed a toast too - these things happen and it shouldn't effect your marriage or your bond.
Um...I just re-read the OP. I don't think OP is happy about the lap dances (she mentions lap dances TWICE). Could this be the underlying issue? On top of that, she wasn't feeling well and her FI didn't check on her. After re-reading her post. I would be livid too. So maybe those of you saying she is over-reacting should re-read her post?
@bee-gotten: I would be livid as well, but I think people are saying that not wanting to be married anymore is an overreaction.
Either way... chin up, @unhappywife10, chill out, have a drink, and relax.
Seems both of you are a tad overwhelmed at the moment, so just give it a couple of days by focussing on yourself, then give chatting with him another go.
Good luck!
@said8me: Ah ! Got ya ! I get it now.
Let me think, would I want to be married anymore? Well, I can't imagine two awful nights killing my dreams with my husband for the rest of our lives, but I sure would need a LOT of time and kind words from Husband before I trusted him again.
I'm sorry to hear you're going through that unhappywife. No new bride wants an angry or sad memory of their wedding day. I may not know either of you, but I do think that there are so many other things to consider.
On our wedding day, I wasn't with my husband the whole time either and I would hate for him to think that I was being rude for that. We had a lot of guests and we were both so happy to have everyone there alltogether that as a host, I felt like it's only right to visit with our guests. A few people came up to us too, but a lot of guests were all having fun and visiting with each other - which is perfectly fine. You can't plan or predict how you'll feel on the day of the wedding and maybe your husband was just so happy to see everyone that he wanted to be with them, not necessarily, NOT with you - but just with them, his/your guests.
As for the bachelor/bachelorette party, I'll have to agree with the poster who said that it should have been separate. I'm against combined parties for that reason, it's a time for the groom & bride to celebrate with their own friends, for one day-away from the wedding plans and away from each other. Although you weren't feeling well, i'm sure he was waiting for that day for a while, to have fun with his buddies before his big day. He probably just lost sight in that moment since thats the only time you get that kind of attention from your friends, in that way.
When weddings happen, so many things mix together and many times we're thrown into situations that we have never had to deal with before - good and bad. One of those is being the center of attention at our events leading up to the wedding and on the wedding day. Not everyone knows exactly how to balance and handle that. It doesn't make them a bad person, maybe they're just excited and not used to the kind of fun that weddings bring. I don't think you're overreacting, but I do think that you can do a makeover of your thoughts & memories of that week before and on the day of your wedding. It's always our own choice to let things go and if you remember why you're marrying him in the first place, I'm sure knowing how to act at a bachelor party & wedding weren't on that list. I say give him another chance and let him make it up to you. But those are just my thoughts :)
I think you should spend a few days and think about what is really upseting you and try to understand if its really bad enough to consider not marrying this man.
I think that you both need to take a step back to see where the real issue lies. Saying you want out of the marriage b/c of a few bad nights is a pretty drastic reaction - are there other things that are bothering you?
I think it would be good that you both go to counseling to get things out on the table. Clearly, you're really hurt and frustrated at the way he acted both at the jack and jill party and at your wedding. You won't be able to let that go until he understands how he made you feel. Right now, it sounds as if he's brushing that off as if it's no big deal and not considering your feelings.
I'm sorry to hear that things got off to a rough start, but a rough start doesn't always equate to a rough marriage. Try talking it over with him or seen a counselor to get everything out in the open.
I would like to wager a theory that might let you see things from your FI's point of view. I have a male friend whose girlfriend loves to keep a very tight leash on him. If they are out and he isn't paying her enough attention she feigns illness and frequently storms off in an effort to get him to chase her down and pay her some attention. I am not for a minute suggesting that you were doing this, but such behaviour is very common, so maybe your FI thought this is what was happening?
I just don't think that any of this sounds like grounds for not wanting to be married to someone. Like others have suggested, it is probably best to get counselling as marriage is of course likely to bring up far worse issues than this.
I am really sorry your are feeling this way and I understand why you're upset, but you have to work at a marriage.....till death do you part.....not till arguement or mistake do you part. I would feel awful if my fiance/husband acted this way too but there is a lot of stress and emotions that go on sometimes in the wedding process. Take a little while to cool off and then think and deside if those couple of bad days out-weight all the many days he's been carring to you.
I'm really sorry to hear how unhappy you are, especially with your wedding only a few days ago.
To be honest it seems like you really aren't over the Bachelor/Bachelorette Bash. It was probably not such a good idea to combine them and it was certainly not a good idea to have a joint bash at a strip club. That's bad news bears.
This is just the beginning of your marriage and if you can't survive something this small you have another thing coming to you girly!
Something that sticks out at me about the initial post is that your tried to give the ring back the night before the wedding. Now, I'm not saying his behavior was appropriate, and I understand why it hurt your feelings, but that's a pretty dramatic step to take because a party went poorly. Is that something that's happened before? That is, were there fights prior to the bachelor/bachelorette party where you threatend to break the engagement because he had made you unhappy?
It seems to me that you might want to take a step back and consider the ways in which jumping straight to, "I'm done," when faced with mild and mid-level conflict might impact how you and your husband handle disagreements and hurt feelings.
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