I think you should have a discussion with him and find out what his timeline of things is. If you have been patient for 5 years, he should at least owe you a talk. The thing you have to think about though, like many waititng bees, is what are you hoping to achieve with the talk? Of course, engagement and marriage, but if he doesn't come through for you by a certain time you will need to have another talk and possibly a consequence (It seems way too harsh to say it that way but I'm at a loss for better words. I apologize).
If you guys communicate well just talk to him and tell him everything you just told us. Honestly, I never considered the ICU thing. You raise a good point. Sounds like you really love him a lot, and he is lucky to have you.
@sunflower7: yes you should bring it up - this converastion is long overdue in my books. I would never have moved in not knowing what the future looked like, but that's just me. It definitely won't be pressuring him to ask him what he thinks about marriage, etc. Good luck!
Why would you be scared to bring up the future when you already live together? I would have had that discussion before I ever moved in.
@megz06: Thanks so much! I am just so worried that if I raise the subject with him, he will feel pressured and resent marriage. I also dont want to feel like we are only moving forward because I forced the subject. But as much as I love him, I love myseld too, and marriage/family is important to me. If it is not an option then you are exactly right, there will have to be a consequence, sadly.
I dont think it would be pressuring him to talk about it. I mean obviously, living in the same house and being together for that long, you should be able to communicate about whats on your mind and your future together. You should discuss what you see in the future for yourselves together and make sure that you have the same goals in mind. Don't add pressure by giving him a deadline but just make sure that you both have a desire for the same things. Good Luck :)
Thank you so much! I really felt crazy for wondering what was taking so long but everyone else seems to think I am crazy for not even bringing up the subject to him. And knowing men, if you dont bring it up, they will pretend it doesnt exist =)
Thanks everyone for the advice! I also want to add that a huge wedding is not what I want, he is already aware of that because while my cousin was doing all of her planning for her wedding, I had said to him that I would be ok with going to the JP, or a destination wedding, just as long as I would marry him, I wouldnt care where we got married, whether the food was prime rib or chicken nuggets. So that is also not an issue. That is the most I have ever talked about our future, I am too worried to take it any further. Money is also not the issue. I am just racking my brain at reasons men usually give as to why they wont get married yet, and all of the reason do not seem to apply to us. We are in love, we are financially stable, we have been committed to each other for 5 years consecutively, I adore his family, even they are wondering when!
I think around the 5yr mark is pretty typical of when people start talking marriage. You need to discuss it with him because it's bothering you, and if he doesn't want marriage then that's something you need to know and be ok with if you're going to stay together. Approach the subject delicately and let him know that marriage is something you want in life. Don't give him a deadline or ultimatim, just be honest about how you're feeling and give him time and space to think about it if he doesn't have an answer for you when you initially discuss it. He may not have asked you yet because you are younger than him, maybe he wanted to be sure that you didn't feel like you were settling, or being rushed into anything. Sounds like you guys have a good relationship, I hope it works out for you both. Don't worry about when others are getting married, every relationship is different.
@VioletSky: Thanks for the advice! I feel like it never bothered me until everyone starting asking "well, when is it going to be your turn?!" and then it hit me that maybe he doesnt even want that! I hate to be pushy, so I think I will let the year go on and see what happens, but if we hit our 6 year anniversary and there arent even any talks of it, then I will have to make sure we are completely on the same page, and if not then I have some decisions to make.
@sunflower7: Oh Boy! I totally understand you! I just brought the subject and he rejected it and told me to cool off and stop pressuring him... I don't think it had any meaning or changed things, I think my BF wants to stay the way we are... but he just ask me to be patient, it would be nice if he said "I want to stay like this forever", that way I would scale if I'm willing to stay like this, or if marriage is important to me. I have invested good 4 years in this relationship, and I deserve to know what's gonna come right? Why guys make this so difficult?
After 5 years, you should definitely make sure you two are on the same page. If a guy feels 'pressure' from that kind of talk that long into a relationship then I'd probably be questioning my future with him. Good luck with your conversation- I'm sure it'll go well!!
@sunflower7: i wish people would just shut up and not ask questions like "when is it your turn". people piss me off with questions like that.
@lilsweetie: Ugg, I agree. I get that almost weekly at work and it drives me nuts. It's so inappropriate and it just makes the waiting harder.
@sunflower7: Any update?
@BabyCarat: not really any exciting developments, besides me asking him if we want the same things. Because if we dont we should move on. That ended with him saying he is scared of marriage because he doesnt want to lose half of everything he owns. After 5 years, I would like to think he would know me better than that, I'm drained honestly. I have no problem signing a prenup, I make my own money I certainly dont need anyone else's. We needed to have that talk though, especially after 5 years together. It was time. Now the question is where do we go from here
@sunflower7: Personally, I wouldnt want to marry a guy that mentions about "being afraid I will lose half of my asset". It just proves that he doesnt think your relationship will last forever. He loves his money more than he loves you. Good husband will share his life and everything with you. Run for the hill and find someone better. My FI is 30 and he owns 2 houses, plus his name in on his parents property too. Yet, he never mentioned about prenup. If he ever dares to talk about prenup, Im walking
@sunflower7: That's pretty screwy. I'm pretty sure you asked him whether he might like to get married, not divorced.
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Hi All. I am just looking for some friendly advice before I even think about having "the talk" because the last thing I want to do is put pressure on my relationship. Here's the deal, my boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 years, living together HAPPILY for 2 (in his home that he bought after being together for a few years, I pay bills, I cook, I clean, no problem at all) I did not move in right away, that was not a rushed situation, when he was ready he asked me to move in and we have been living together ever since. We do not speak much of the future as I do not want to put pressure on him. I know some people say marriage is a piece of paper and does not solidify a relationship, but it is important to me. I love him, I want to build a life with him, have children with him. If something were to happen to him and he were in the ICU, I cannot see him because I am not "family." It is so much more than a piece of paper. I am 25 years old and he is turning 30 this year. We both have stable jobs and incomes, we have a blast together and he truly makes my life better. There is not a reason I could think of as to why we wouldnt last forever. There is no divorce in his family, so I am not sure what the problem could be. I am just not sure if I should bring it up or not and what I should say. I want to be with him, and I also want to get married and have children. If he doesnt want the same thing, it may be time to re-evaluate. I shouldnt give up something that is important to me right? HELP!