(Closed) Always money

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
717 posts
Busy bee

that’s kinda harsh of him to say.  what this the system you both agreed to when you moved in together?  maybe you should start splitting things evenly?

you’re living together and it shouldn’t be about tallying every penny.  and if this is bothering him so much, he should have said something instead of being passive aggressive about it

Post # 4
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I think that you should work out a money arrangement that satisfies both of you. Before the wedding, we’re dividing things as equally as possible. We’re only combining everything after the wedding. Have you guys sat down and talked about how you will handle money after the wedding? Do you have a budget worked out? 

The key here is that you have to talk about money, agree about the arrangements that you make, then stick to those arrangements. It sounds like you guys might not have done this.

Post # 5
Member
11753 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Wow, I can’t believe he said that! How immature! Fi and I haven’t combined finances yet but we have a similar arrangement as you – he pays the mortgage and I pay utilities and food up to 1k per month.  The rest he takes care of – he makes double what I do and I have 70k in student loans to pay so he doesn’t feel it should be equal.  You guys definitely need to have a sit down and talk and agree upon something that is fair for both of you and that you are both comfortable with.  I’d be more concerned with his me vs. you mentality than anything else though.  Plus, in my opinion, a man should WANT to provide for you, not feel “screwed” by it.  I would be a bit concerned about that.  Money issues are tough, but I am sure you guys can work it out. Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
431 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@hate-money:  That is just plain ridiculous. You two are supposed to be a team. I would sit him down tonight and ask him what he thinks would be “fair”. 

Post # 7
Member
4416 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think it’s very easy to get caught up in keeping score, and as everyone says, it can really be the downfall of a relationship! When DH and I move, we’re going to combine a lot more things (we’re moving in three months so we figure for now we’ll just stick with the status quo), but currently we split the rent while I pay water and electric and he pays cable and internet. Well, wouldn’t you know it but MY part of the bills is a lot more than his … and my part varies by the month while his is always the same! And I usually pay at the grocery store. So I was sort of in the position of your Fi, feeling like I was being screwed even though it was totally unintentional and was just how it all worked out.

I came pretty close to saying things like what your Fi said — we’d be out to dinner and DH would be like “isn’t it your turn to pay?” to which I’d respond “wasn’t it your turn to buy the groceries last week, and wasn’t the water bill really high last month, and don’t I pay a sh*tload more on bills every month than you do?” and then it’d turn into a fight.  The inequality was breeding resentment.

So basically, you two need to figure out a system that feels FAIR to both of you, even if it’s not 50-50. I can’t wait til all those bills are split, so I don’t end up screaming at DH for wasting water because I have to pay the bill. What a waste of energy to fight about that! And I know for a fact that those fights will end once all those bills are paid from the joint account. I’m sure you can come up with a system that works for both of you!!!

Post # 8
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Money can be a HUGE issue.  As most adults KNOW it can be a thing that can cause rifts between friends, family members… and when it comes to Marriage it is one of the biggest causes of Divorce.

As someone who prescribed to the 50-50 rule in my first marriage, I can tell you that in the long run this theory DOES NOT WORK.

Reason being, is there are times when one person in the relationship is going to make more money than the other… be that because of career, life choices, or just the fact that life kicks ya in the butt !!

So for example… KIDS – Mom takes Mat-Leave, or a Parent decides to stay-at-home for a while to raise the kids… CAREERS – Someone gets laid off from their job… or decides to take a leave of absense to pursue some other options in life (write a book, start a new business etc) … ILLNESS – One of you (or the kids) gets ill… or you have an aging Parent that needs your help or assistance

These are times when the disparity in income can really come into play… The Monthly Bills add up to $ 5,000 and one of you cannot afford to chip in $ 2,500… then what… one you has an IOU to the other ?

Meanwhile, the higher earner, may have a lot of extra money left over at the end of the month… to do with whatever they please ?

Not fair !! (One person virtually Broke, and the other out buying “toys” etc)

There are several Financial Gurus out there that say there are several ways to effectively plan out a couples finances.<br /><br />Either put ALL the&nbsp;money into a pot&hellip; and agree to pay out the bills and monthly expenses from it.<br /><br />Then have a Savings Plan&hellip; where EQUAL amounts are put into longterm individual savings (ie Retirement Plans).&nbsp; And lastly anything left over is then divided up between you EQUALLY as Spending Money&hellip; or &nbsp;put aside into joint savings for larger purchases you are doing together (vacations &ndash; home renos etc)<br /><br />The other way, is to divide everything up by percentages&hellip; so if Hubby makes 2x the amount of income as his wife, then he pays 66% of all expenses and she pays 33%.<br /><br />Personally, my first marriage tried to follow the 50-50 concept, and we failed miserably.&nbsp; It worked when we were young and making the exact same money&hellip; but over time, Hubby made a lot more money than I did, and I spent a good part of my marriage (and all of my post Divorce Years&hellip; BROKE).<br /><br />It was a bad plan, and I think it&nbsp;contributed to both our Marriages breakdown as well as the fact that he got more and more controlling and financially abusive in the relationship over time.

In my current relationship, we use a combo of the Percentage and the Combined Income model.  My Fiance is in a position in life where he has more money (investments) than I do.  We also are drawing up a Pre-Nup & Will to cover off for our future.

The money model that you and Fiance are using is a disaster waiting to happen (maybe it already has)… he SHOULD NOT BE KEEPING SCORE !!

That isnt what a successful and happy marriage is about.<br /><br />You guys need to have a long talk on this.<br /><br />As someone who had the 50-50 Model, I would advise you seriously NOT TO MARRY anyone who cant understand that ALL the money belongs to both of you.  Because of the heartache it can cause you in the future… My Ex even was of the mindset when we broke up that ALL that we had in our marriage was HIS… he owed me nothing.  Consequently I found myself over $ 100 K in debt and virtually homeless coming out of my marriage (I ended up with some money… but I spent a great deal dragging his sorry butt in and out of court).

Actually, it might be a good idea to do some premarital counselling on this issue… look for a person who specializes in financial counselling.

Hope this helps,

EDIT TO ADD – Sorry, haven’t a clue how the HTML Code ended up in the middle of this post… hopefully you can make it out nonetheless

 

Post # 9
Member
1920 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I wouldn’t worry about the check, however you do need to sit down and have a serious money talk. Obviously he isn’t happy with the current situation. You need to reevaluate how you divide up your finances and find a better system where you are both happy and no one is being “screwed”.

Post # 10
Member
7312 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

I am flabbergasted. Who says that?! If he wants to “keep score” ya’ll are screwed because keeping score only leads to misery. He needs a reality check because relationships are about partnership, respect, mutual support (in ALL ways), compromise, and love. His mindset is at odds every one of those values. And to phrase it the way he did? Well that’s just wrong on every level. Just… wow.

Post # 11
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Motor museum

I cannot believe he said that. I would seriously consider whether you want to spend your life with this man

Post # 12
Member
387 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

My fiance makes in a week what I do in a fortnight!! He is paying for our wedding and puts away a set amount every week for our house savings. 

To me, you’re in a partnership, there’s no need to split money. You’ll never earn an equal amount as one another. 

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