Always the girlfriend

posted 2 years ago in 40 Something
Post # 2
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

What does your current SO say about marriage? Have you two talked about it? Do you see yourself marrying him?

Post # 3
Member
2278 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California

You won’t be marriage material with that attitude.

Post # 4
Member
2584 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2006

Have you talked about marriage with your bf now? What does he say. 

Post # 5
Member
9533 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Well, since you’ve been married before, you’re obviouly marriage material. But I don’t think it’s healthy to focus on wanting to get married. I think it’s better to focus on the actual, current, relationship. Do you want to marry your boyfriend? What does he think about it?

Post # 6
Member
2726 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Diann45:  Ok, try this – I was in 2 very long term relationships (one for 10 years, the other for 12) from the time I was 18 until, the time I was 42.  I didn’t want to marry either of them and turned down both of what I think were not well though out proposals (I think based on length of time of the relationship more than anything else and I didn’t want children anyway). Then lightening struck at 46 and I was engaged quickly to the only man I actually wanted to marry.  Sometimes things are just not quite right and deep down inside, you realize it. What is marriage material anyway? It probably means something different to everyone.

Post # 7
Member
314 posts
Helper bee

Why are you waiting around in these long relationships? 2.5yrs is long enough to know whether or not to marry someone- you are letting these men get away with having their cake and eating it, too 🙁 You need to sit your current boyfriend down and discuss where the relationship is going. Tell him you need marriage to feel complete and discuss if you want children. If he doesn’t want to get engaged and marry by 3yrs, you need to stand strong and MOVE ON!

Post # 9
Member
11001 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

If you want to increase your chances of avoiding these types of long-term, seemingly dead-end relationships in the future, you may want to consider limiting yourself to dating only men whose goal for a prospective relationship also is marriage. They absolutely are out there! 

Obviousy, there are many people who do not take this approach who still meet someone, fall in love, and get married. However, it’s far more likely for you to find what you’re looking for if you deliberately choose to seek it out (and, likewise, to filter out those who do not share this view) rather than to take a more “let’s just see where this goes” type of approach to dating. 

I didn’t marry until I was in my mid-40s, and I was determined to wait for the man God had chosen for me, even if that meant not dating for almost an entire decade. I knew that I could never marry someone who did not share my Christian faith and values, and I had zero interest in wasting any more of my life in relationships that would not lead to where I wanted to go. By the time I met my DH online, we both were looking to date someone ONLY with the intention of pursuing a marriage relationship.  Obviously, we knew that either of us could have chosen to end the relationship at any point while we were dating or even after we were engaged, if one of us decided things we not right. However, by “kicking the tires”  — so to speak — regarding these topics before we even decided to go out with someone, we helped to narrow our focus and lower the risk of ending up in a relationship we did not want.

 

Post # 10
Member
5228 posts
Bee Keeper

Diann45:  It sounds like the guys you are getting involved with aren’t marriage material. Maybe you need to find the common denominator in all the men you’ve been with, and then avoid that in the future.

Since your previous relationships ended, aren’t you glad you didn’t marry all of them? Do you really want muitiple marriages in your rear view instead of just the one?

Post # 11
Member
2726 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

are these boyfriends even aware that you want marriage?

Post # 12
Member
5839 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Diann45:  I think you are giving too much power to the guys. If marriage is really important to you, only date guys who also want to get married and have a timeline of when you will get out if they dont want to marry you. At your age (I’m assuming you are in your 40’s), you should know within a year if you guys are on the marriage track and when that will be. 

I met DH at 38 and was married at 40. But from the beginning we talked about marriage. Not about marrying each other, just what kind of theoretical marriage and life we wanted. We also agreed that if at any point we realized the other person wasnt marriage material, we would break up, even if the relationship was good. So by 10 months we started having serious should we marry each other talks. By one year we had decided that yes we wanted to marry each other and by 15 months we were engaged. But I knew by 18 months if he hadn’t made up his mind about me/us, I would have broken up with him. 

Post # 13
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

yumcheez:  The other side of the coin that that the threat of breakup makes the man pop the question that he does not want to ask and then it ends up in divorce, I have 2 family members that did exactly that.

 

OP really needs to know whether she can and wants to spend the life with current SO.

 

But in case SO does not care to marry then break up? That’s a very difficult one!

Post # 14
Member
384 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

yumcheez:  Exactly!  I put the pressure on my fiancee after dating for over a year….plus we dated briefly 15 years ago.  I basically told him that I wasn’t getting any younger….and if a proposal wasn’t coming amny time soon I would have to cut my losses!!!

 

AT our age, investing YEARS in a boyfriend is crazy!  Sorry, OP.  And who says you aren’t marriage material?

Sounds to me like you need to have more confidence in yourself and also stand up for yourself.  Letting your current man know that you are NOT willing to waste your time…there is nothing wrong with that..imo

Post # 15
Member
585 posts
Busy bee

You have the beauty of life experience on your side. If you know you want to get married, then find someone who has the same goals and wants in life as you do. Don’t stay in a long-term relationship that doesn’t go anywhere unless you’re just happy dating someone long-term, which is fine, nothing wrong with that. I work with a ladie in her 50’s who’s been with her boyfriend for years and she’s perfectly happy with that. But find someone that makes you happy and that you enjoy being with. Marriage is nothing is you can’t be with someone that is your soul mate and best friend.  When I was younger, I was engaged to someone that I didn’t have the right feelings for. I couldn’t imagine a life with someone I didn’t love or feel passionate about. I dated after we split up, but never really found anyone that was marriage material. Years later, I met my husband…it was only then that I could see myself getting married, having a family with someone, and having a wonderful life with.  I told myself I wouldn’t settle and I didn’t.

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