- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
I understand completely where you are coming from the relationship does not seem healthy at all.
However, it is HIS MOM. And he seems to want to have a relationship with her. And it seems that he might feel torn between you (because you don't like the way she treats him) and her and so he agrees not to see her as much because he wants to make you happy. But this is just leading him into a cycle of resentment.
I think his relationship with his mother needs to be on his terms and so I do think that you should be supportive of him and go with him to visit his mom, if that's what he wants. If he wants to go alone then let him go alone.
Good Luck!
Question: Does he recognize that his mother treats you both badly? I can't help but think maybe family counselling for he and his mom to figure out what's going on there, and then for all three of you would help a lot. I know you can't chose your family, but you can try to manage your relationships with them as best you can. It IS his mom, so I can't imagine it would be so simple as to say 'Okay I won't see her anymore' and wash his hands of it. I think Future Mrs Martin is right, if you start laying down rules about when he can see her and on what terms, you're setting yourself up for a lot of resentment.
bakerella- he goes back and forth but in the end always has her on a thrown. This is his normal to him so I try to see that side. She will not touch counseling with a ten foot pole. She is also this way with her other son so it's not just my DH that gets this treatment and I am not the only 'outsider' that says she treats her kids like crap.
I am not laying down rules about when he can see her. He can visit alone whenever he wants but he has chosen not to. I just tried pushing it last night so hopefully some of this resentment will go away. I can understand the resentment but at the same time MIL and my relationship is nothing like me or DH thought it would be but don't put it all on me, you know?
Ugh you're really in a tough spot. Maybe if I were in your shoes I would put in the obligatory holiday visits, but say any other time DH wants to visit, he goes alone. It sounds like she's really built a wall and she's not interested in changing. I think the best thing you can do is be supportive of DH but I wouldn't put yourself in the position of commiting to visit her all the time and being miserable the whole time just to make him happy. Has DH and his brother talked about what's going on and why she behaves this way towards both of them?
PS - I would never say wanting to stay away from someone who hurts you and DH makes you a bad wife. You're trying to protect the both of you and I think that makes you a good wife! You don't want to see him get hurt and you don't want to be emotionally beat up all the time, I totally get that!
When BIL was dating this girl, she was the one to point out how bad she is to them. I always thought it in the back of my mind but then I also thought "Nah, she's his mother. Who would do something like that!" So when BIL was with this girl they could talk and did talk because BIL was fed up. Well they have broken up and BIL has gone back to MIL. They currently live together so I am not sure if MIL and BIL are buddy buddy again.
You are right. I am so tired of seeing him hurt because of her. She never lets an opportunity go when she has the chance to show him where he lies with her. That is what hurts the most and I am tired of witnessing it.
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| ellisrobertson | 22 |
| MsPanda | 14 |
| aduarte3201 | 14 |
| pengoala | 11 |
| ShellVee | 10 |
| londonchick | 9 |
| londonpeach84 | 8 |
 KimKimmieKim |
8 |
| ladyartichoke | 6 |
| MrsBlueSeptember | 6 |
Sorry, there are no users yet.
After the latest (MIL in the hospital for a few days and possibly having lupus and diabetes AND telling everyone but DH- DH found out by calling her the week after she was released), I'm beyond sick of watching him be treated like dirt. Before we got married he said we would visit his family less often and not stay with them due to his moms behavior/treatment of us. OK fine. A few weeks ago he says he wants to visit. OK Fine. He's made a few comments here and there since we've been married how it's my fault that he doesn't see his family as often. Now he's wanting to visit more often. The last comment was on Sunday and I had had it. Since then I have looked up flight info and car rental info.
Last night I talked to him about it and told him that maybe he should go this weekend...alone because I am so sick of the blame being put on me. Then I asked him when he found out about his mom (I wasn't 100% sure on my theory but I was right, it was the above). His moms treatment of him is another reason why I am so sick of her.
He said he was surprised that no one let him know. Well he was surprised at the crap she pulled at our wedding when our pre-marital counselor said "Be prepared and don't be surprised if she does something." He is always surprised yet he goes back for more and she shovels the crap right on as expected. I feel like I am condoning her behavior by going on visits with him and "cleaning up the mess" by trying to make her behavior up to him. So he can go alone to visit and she can a.) be just as crappy to him as always and hopefully open his eyes over time or b.) possibly be nice to him since I am not there.
I feel horrible because I feel that I should support him because I am his wife but at the same time I feel like I am enabling him and I honestly do not support their relationship anymore- he deserves much better. He gets hurt he runs to me and when things are better he goes right back only to be hurt again and again and again. He is in complete FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) minus the fear.
Edit:
Additional questions:
Future Mrs. Martin said that I "should be supportive of him and go with him to visit his mom, if that's what he wants." For me there is a very thin line between supporting and enabling. Any suggestions on how to distniguish between those? This is something that I have always had issues defining.