Weddingbee boards

Ok, here is my story....

My MOH called me a Bridezilla this weekend and this is why:

Saturday I had plans with my MOH to go to my first dress fitting. I had made the plans with her over a month in advance. The day before the fitting she texts me that she will not be able to come. Her son is in a basketball tournament. I am very upset because she has been backing out of EVERYTHING lately. She showed up for 10 minutes when I was deciding on a dress, she was the only bridesmaid not to come over and help me make invitations and she cancelled on my first dress try on. She always has an excuse: work, kids, etc....So I guess I half expected her to cancel, but was still hoping she would be there for me. I haven't seen her since Christmas and was really looking forward to talking to her.

So, she cancels and I find another friend (not a bridesmaid) to go with me. The morning of the fitting my MOH texts me and says she might be able to sneak out of a game and come. I text back and say forget it I found someone else. She text back Oh! Okay!

Then I few minutes later she texts me that She hopes I am not upset. She is very busy and has not been able to attend very many things with me. I text back that Yes, I am a little upset and we are all busy and she hasn't attended anything.

She just unloads on me...Basically a How dare you I am a single mom and until you are you have no right to say anything blah, blah , blah. At this point I would like to say that I am tired of parents thinking that single people do not have busy lives. I get it, you have kids. You have a lot to do, but why do thy always think we have some carefree lifestyle?? I get it,  she's divorced and has kids and a busy job. But she wanted to be my MOH. Where's my support?

Later, while trying to plan my work schedule I realize I have no clue what day the girls are planning on having my bachelorette party. I need to know so I can plan my schedule accordingly. So I email them and ask what is going on and could they please give me the date so I can make plans. I get an email back from one saying yes they are on it they have a date don't worry. But doesn't give me the date. I email back asking if I can have the date? My MOH emails back to everyone : Someone is being a Bridezilla

Really?? Is it being a Bridezilla to know the date of the bacherlorette party so I can plan my work trips?? Am I really being that unreasonable? I just hate the word Bridezilla and have been doing my best to be as accomodating as possible to my bridesmaids. I gave them 3 dress choices, let them pick their own shoes, have not demanded they do anything. But I would like some help on things. I have 4 bridesmaids. Two are in state and two are not.  My MOH lives 20 minutes from me and I have not seen her in 2 months and have barely heard from her at all. All my other girls have helped me out, even the out of state ones. How do I handle this?

You're definitely not being a Bridezilla for wanting to know the date! That's just a Duh kind of thing. Of course you need to know.

As for the rest. I think you *really* need to actually talk to her. You've mentioned a lot of texts and e-mails, but not too much in actual conversations. Even picking up the phone would be good, meeting for coffee or something would be better. And the most important thing I can say is get over being mad before you talk to her. If you come into it with a lot of sympathy for how busy she is, instead of "well I'm busy too!" she'll have a more positive response. You don't want her to just get defensive. Explain that you really do understand that she has a lot on her plate with being a single mom and all, but you need her help.

You didn't handle the dress fitting cancellation too well. She tried to be there, even tho something that is important to her was going on, and you were too angry at the cancellation to let her. I totally understand your reaction, I would have done the same thing more than likely. But from her point-of-view she made some kind of effort and got rejected. Was there really any reason both girls couldn't have come? It probably hurt her feelings. Yes, yours were hurt first, but you won't get anywhere by holding on to the hurt and fighting more. This is one situation where it sounds like she's going to be immature and self-centered, and you'll have to be the bigger person even tho that's not really fair to you.

I'm very sorry she's being this way! I know it's frustrating and upsetting. I'm glad your other BM's are being so great. And the bees are here to help! *hugs*

Thanks for some of your quick responses. Just a few more things...In recent weeks I have tried to get together with her. We make plans and she ALWAYS cancels. I email questions or even just try to talk and I rarely hear back from her.

 As far as her not coming to the fitting. She seemed relievd that I had let her off the hook. And yes, I was too mad to have here there, but even if I wasn't she would have probably only been there for 10 minutes so what would have been the point in that?

Wow! I would so disagree with your MOH! That's no where near a bridezilla.

She should have know that as a MOH you are SUPPOSE to be there and support the birde. She should have taken that inot consideration before asking you if she could be your MOH. I also don't think she has a right to dump on you like that. It doesn't sound like you haven't tried to be understanding, so she shouldn't have said that.

Secondly, I know its rather frustrating to have a friend that keeps backing out of things, but do you think you want to have to continue to deal with her? What happens when other things come up? Is she going to be supportive on your wedding day? Not that this should be taken lightly, but it maybe be something you might want to consider after wou weigh in everything that has been going on.

Asking for a specific date doesn't warrant being called that either! I totally understand being busy! You don't want to not be able to show up for pre wedding parties and showers so its logical to ask for a specific date.  Could you maybe tell the girls certain nights that you could do it? That way you have it narrowed down some?

 Good luck with everything!

sc8493: I had given the girls dates, but work is so volitile lately! Trips just keep popping up so I thought it would be easier just to know a date so I could plan around it.

 I just left a message for her saying  that I was  upset because I was looking forward to spending some time with her.  I also asked if there is a time in the next few weeks when we could get together.

Stay tuned...

nathalietanya: Yes I have tried to get together with her on stuff other than wedding related. I never hear back from her on those things. And might I add that she wanted to be my MOH. She campaigned for the position. Told me we would have sooooo much fun planning things together. And might I also add that I am well aware that people are doing me a favor when they come and help me which is why I usally give them a little thank you gift. 

Also, why should I show I have to care about her family when she shows no interest in mine? I have been there for her more times than I can count. Why is it so hard for her to be there for me?

And can you suggest a way I get get my fiance to help me with things...he never does. And my parents are also a state away.

Oh, one more thing....a few weeks ago I asked her if she wanted to go on a spa day with me (completely not-wedding related)...she said no.

holkish - I do not think I am putting myself, my wishes and my wedding above anything else. 

And the other girls are doing the planning of the party, and I did not ask them to do so. I do not demand that the girls do things with me. I ask if they can, but don't expect them to. But this is my MOH and she has bailed on plans with me consistently lately, whether they are wedding plans or not. If she can't come to things fine, but she says she will and then at the very last minute backs out. Every. Single. Time.

ok Habibi, I will readjust my expectaton to be that she simply cannot do anything for me or be a friend in any sort of way. 

 Things I've asked her to do in the last month:

• spa day - not wedding related
• birthday dinner (her's and mine) - not wedding related
• dress fitting - wedding related.

Frankly I believe I have been bending over backwards to try to accomodate her and I get nothing in return. I am always there for her. When she was feeling down in Nov. I brought her a gift basket to cheer her up, gave her a present at Christmas, tried to schedule a spa day with her. Whatever craziness in my life is going on I try to be there for her when she needs me.

Also, I do not think I am demanding when I ask people to help me with things. I ask if anyone is available and always say it's no big deal if you can't come.  And I've tried to do as many things for them as possible. I could not buy their dresses, since it was not in my budget, but I did buy them their necklaces and a pin that goes on their dresses and I made them as reasonably priced for them as I could. I also reserved their hotel rooms for them.Just keep in mind before I even asked her to be my MOH she was asking me if she was going to be my MOH.

Bottom line, whether or not she is my MOH or just a friend. I think it is rude to make plans with someone and back out at the last minute every single time.

Tanya123 - I did not ask them to throw me a bach party. They asked me. They told me they were planning one, I simply wanted to know the date.

It's not just the fitting. It's everything. She's not there for me period, in life or the wedding. And she has backed out of so many things with me (wedding and non-wedding related) that I am wondering and scared that she will also back out of the wedding completely.

I guess I am feeling a little defeated. I didn't realize it is wrong to be a little upset when someone says they will do stuff with you (and not just things I ask, but made promises early on that she would help with stuff) and then backs out. I think there are some of you that are misunderstanding me. You seem to think I am demanding that my bridesmaids do things with me. I am not, but it would be nice to see them or talk to them (wedding related or not) in the 6 months leading up to me wedding. I feel llike I asked her to be my MOH and then she vanished out of my life.

Erindesmar (message) <span class="numpostsandtitle">  October 17, 2009  Boston, MA

At the risk of sounding snarky (which I do not want to do) it sounds like you have your mind made up that (1) you are in the right and MOH and other bridesmaids are in teh wrong (2) there is nothing you can do to fix the situation and (3) your relationship with your MOH is down the tubes.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!!!! I have no problem with the other bridesmaids. Not at all. My other bridesmaids complained to me about my MOH long before I got upset. I defended her until this weekend when she asked if I was upset and then couldn't handle that I was. 

Also, like I said way earlier today. I have a message in to my MOH (since I can never get a hold of her) saying that I was sorry if I was rude to her this weekend. That I was just upset because I was looking forward to seeing her and spending time with her. And I asked her if she had any time to get together in the next couple of weeks to celebrate our birthdays since we didn't get to earlier in the month.

I have yet to hear back from her. 

I am not worked up, but it seems like people keep misunderstanding me and putting words in my mouth. With every post I am trying to explain things so that people can respond with some understanding to as what is going on. It seems to me that people are zeroing in on what they want to in my posts and missing other points. I understand her side, really I do. But right now there are other things going on in my life too that makes it hard to be completely willing to bend over backwards for others. I feel that almost every person in my life is walking all over me lately and whenever I finally have enough and tell them how I feel, I get them telling me I am a bad person. Why does sticking up for your own feelings have to end up with you being a bad person in everyone's eyes?

I think I might have made a mistake in asking her to be my MOH. I do not have that many close girlfriends and there may have been someone I should have asked instead, but was afraid to because she just moved away. I think I was right to not ask this person. I didn't feel it was fair to have her buy a dress and a plane ticket to come to my wedding and it turns out she just lost her job so it was the right thing for me to do. Instead of her I chose someone who said she would be there for me and she lives 20 minutes away so I thought I was going to have someone to help me with wedding stuff as well as a friend. Turns out I was wrong. An aquaintace of mine recently told me that she cringed when I told her who I chose as my MOH. She knew how flaky and unreliable she was, but didn't know if she should say anything to me or not. 

I realize that I put myself in this position. I do not plan to ask her to step down as MOH. I do not think I ever implied I was going to do that. What I was looking for was advice on how to get her to see more of my side and for me to get a better view of hers. I now have a better view of her side. I can be more understanding, in fact I have been mostly understanding with her. There was just this one instance of her asking if I was upset and I told the truth. Had she not asked I probably wouldn't have said anything. 

Like I have said twice before, I have left a message apologizing for being rude and asking her to get together. I have yet to hear back from her. So now the ball is in her court. There is only so much I can do to resolve the situation. I am not going to beg and plead for her to forgive me when I do not think I really did anything wrong. My feelings are my feelings and I have a right to them, as she does to hers. I will move on and continue to lean on my other bridesmaids  and my MOH can be as involved as she wants to or has the time for.

Rasgoola, thanks for being someone who actually understands. That is exactly what I mean. I am trying to work with her and yes nathalietanya she was someone who I thought was my friend. I think what has been really frustrating to me on here is that I may have said some things that needed a little more explanation, but people keep referring to bits and pieces and don't put all the pieces together. I exlpain things further, but people keep pulling up stuff fro m older posts.

As far as me not being interested in my MOH's life. I am interested. What I meant is why do I have to be the one that is always interested in her life when she shows no interest in mine? I kinda feel that our relationship has been a bit one sided lately. I feel as if I am putting in all the effort. When I really sit and think about it and look back on our friendship it seems like it has always been that way. She is a very charismatic person. And you tend to get sucked into her life. She tells you what a great friend she is and I guess I believed it.  I believed she was a great friend to me. I believed she was always there for me, but the truth always was that she was there for me when it was convenient for her. I have dropped everything many times to help her in a time of need. She has never done the same for me.

I kind of disagree with those of you that say that she thinks she is doing her best and feels bad for not being there and that her best isn't good enough for me. I think she is pretty wrapped up in herself and her life and feels everyone she should always be the center of attention. And I think she is upset because I actually called her on some of her stuff. Please keep in mind, that all of my other bridesmaids are a little angry at her too. It's not just me. And I'm not really angry anymore just hurt and confused as to why I must take this kind of treatment from her. 

Basically what it comes down to is yes, I am dissapointed that she has not helped with things at all. My other bridesmaids are upset that she hasn't helped at all. But I am hurt that she makes plans with me and then ALWAYS cancels. Something always comes up that is more important. Makes me feel like an unimportant person in her life. 

I want to thank everyone who has given me valuable advice. I am much calmer about the situation. Right now though, I think I have done everything I can do. Until she agrees to meet with me and not cancel ;) there is nothing more I can do.