Post # 1
Hello fellow waiting bees, I’m a bit new here.
While my SO and I have been talking erings and wedding dates for a while and I love him, my ex keeps contacting me and bringing up the past. Ex and I dated on and off for about 3 years, called it quits the last time about a year before I met SO, Ex and I decided to remain friends and SO knows that we talk. I haven’t seen Ex since before I met SO, we just talk online and text. Ex and I broke up because he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship, and I am.
When I met SO, it was unexpected. I had joined an online dating site and had started talking to a bunch of guys, not really expecting to meet anyone. We started talking and clicked instantly, we talked for 2 and a half weeks before our first date, and then ended up becoming a couple before our second date. Though we’re polar opposites in almost every way, it works for us. He’s more aggressive and I’m more laid back, He’s a Republican and I’m a Democrat, he is a country fan, and I’m into a little bit of everything. he gets stressed out over work, and I’m there to calm him down. He’s my rock, he builds me up when I fall apart.
The fact that we’re opposites, plus the fact that his Mom doesn’t like me, leads my parents and a few of my friends, to think that we aren’t suited for each other. My Dad still says that I will wind up marrying Ex. I usually laugh it off and say something like when pigs fly and he grows up. But lately with Ex’s talk of what we had it makes me wonder if I shouldn’t be thinking about getting married to SO. I think of my life without SO and I break down in tears, I am confused.
So I come to the WaitingBees to seek advice, am I a horrible person for this? Is this just pre-engagement jitters? Has anyone else had something like this happen to them?
Post # 3
waitingbee12 – First off, it’s normal to question your relationship before you get engaged. When I felt as though the proposal was coming I freaked out and took a step back to make sure everyting was in perspective. Just because you’re reconsidering doesn’t make you a terrible person. And just because you’re opposites, doesn’t mean you’re not “meant to be”. Your marriage isn’t going to be based on politics or music tastes. As long as you two can agree to disagree and be respectful of each others beliefs and preferences, there’s nothing wrong with being different. That is something you need to point out to your family.
However, I think when your family says you’ll end up with your ex instead of saying things like, “When he grows up” or “When pigs fly” you should say something regarding your boyfriend. Such as, “No, I want to marry SO”. Otherwise it sounds like “WHEN” or if your ex changes it’ll be on like Donkey Kong and you’ll leave your current boyfriend. You should think about if that’s true or not, and if it is it really isn’t fair to stay with your current boyfriend.
Otherwise, as I said, I think it’s natural and responsible to question your relationship before you make a big change and make it “official”. Good luck! 🙂
Post # 4
@waitingbee12: Do you love SO? Are you IN LOVE with him?
Post # 5
The fact that you are writing this post means, that at least for right now, this isn’t the right time to even contemplate marriage with SO. This isn’t pre-engagement jitters, this is still the questioning phase, which means engagement shouldn’t be in the near future.
And no you’re not a bad person. It would be bad if you think you’re having an emotional relationship with the ex though. It sounds border line to me.
Post # 6
If you have any control over your potential engagement with your latest SO, please try and slow it down or stop it. Seems like you have a lot of things to figure out and really have not been dating long enough to know yourselves and each other to the point of love and no return.
I’m not saying your man isn’t the one just that because you not that far in yet, you still have time to save yourself from a mess of hurt should you decide other wise.
I also agree that it is normal to freak a little when thinking about getting serious as in like the night before you wedding – like holy moly this is it, were in it for life! But your love and devotion over powers all the craziness.
Post # 7
@AmuseMeMusically: Yes I love SO, I can’t imagine my life without him. I truly want to spend the rest of my life waking up next to him, raising a family together, growing old. We may be opposites but we bring out the best in each other.
@Mrs.Argentina: We have been dating for over 2 years, and know each other very well. I have a feeling that this is me freaking out because everyone seems so opposed to us as a couple. With Ex things were more smooth, for one thing, his mother loved me. SO’s mother hates me. But Ex was never as serious about me as I was about him. SO and I are serious about each other. I guess I just need to stop listening and caring about what other people think about my relationship.
Post # 8
@waitingbee12: If you are truly in love with SO, and feel like he is the one, then you need to cut off contact with the ex. It already feels to you like what you’re doing is inappropriate, so even if you don’t touch at all, it probably is. It might feel like you can keep it platonic, but even if you do, you may be planting the seeds for infidelity down the road. Every happy memory you make with ex is one more happy memory you’re going to have to make with SO to continue seeing him as the better option.
I was in this same situation. I ended up breaking off my engagement. I still have no regrets, and feel like it’s the best thing I could have done, but that should give you an idea of the sort of fire you’re playing with if you continue down this path. I’m not telling you that you shouldn’t get engaged. But if you do say yes, you’re going to have to cut off contact with ex. If you already are starting to think of him in a romantic context, you’re cheating in your mind, if that makes sense, and your future Fiance deserves better than that.
Post # 9
You’re not a horrible person for trying to figure out what’s best. Just make sure that you and your current SO are not making plans for engagement when you cannot rightly make any such commitment to him. Take your time figuring things out, but be honest with everybody about it.
P.S. AmuseMeMusically is right–if you do decide to get engaged to your SO, then all communication with your ex must stop.
Post # 10
Please note that I’m not trying to upset you, but posts like this break my heart. Not for you, but for your current SO.
The fact that you talk about your ex with your family, think about him and still chat with him, to me, is the same as emotionally cheating on your current parnter.
Please don’t marry your SO unless you cut all ties with your ex and tell your family to back off, and like PP said, are able to tell them “I love my current SO. Please don’t speak of my ex”.
I don’t understand posts like this! BREAKS MY HEART for the man who loves you!
ETA – your ex is just playing with you right now and seeing if he can get you to keep talking to him. Because guess what? If he was the one who loved you, he would NOT be your ex!
Post # 11
Ok, just to clear up a few things here, SO still talks with one of his exes, she is an ordained minister and has actually offered to marry us (yet SO knows she’s jealous of me.) and Ex and I have agreed that once one of us gets married the ties are severed. Also, I don’t bring up Ex with family or friends, if I bring up getting married (talking about SO) my Dad will say his piece and then say “But you’re gonna marry Ex anyway” Meanwhile when I was dating Ex he didn’t like him. I don’t think of Ex in a romantic way, I am just reminded of the differences in the relationships by friends and family.
Post # 12
All I am saying is that if you llove your SO like you say you do and are looking at getting engaged, you should be doing cartwheels around the neighborhood singing his praises.
Not thinking of an ex or still talking with an ex. Your comparison that your SO speaks with his ex is a moot point. It’s not a contest and he could find another minister if it really comes down to it.
Post # 13
+1 thank your for wording exactly what I was thinking in my head (in your first post to op).
always wanting what one can’t have…. *sigh* OP you are not horrible but you kind of make it sound like you believe life happens as it does in the movies or romance novels.
Post # 14
Curious, what do you say to your Dad when he says garbage like that?
I mean if my parent said that to me I would shut them down with not only a firm “no way in hell that is going to happen” but it would never be said in the first place because my Mum knows how head over heels in love with my Fiance I am and has said from the first day they met a MONTH after Fiance and started dating that I seemed more in love/sync with him that I ever did in the three years with my ex.
THATS what you should be hearing from your loved ones too OP!
Post # 15
I take it, then, that you and this ex broke up several times before the final breakup? That’s a good indicator that he was never the right guy for you. If you really love you current SO, please show him the respect he deserves and stop talking to your ex. You also need to tell your family not to bring up the ex or the past.
Post # 16
@oneeleven: When my Parents or Friends say something against SO I usually shrug it off, but as you can see internally I’m struggling with this. I almost wonder if they can see something I don’t. When Ex is mentioned I say When pigs fly and he grows up which equates to never.
@BellsforHer: I’ve tried telling them not to bring Ex up, but they don’t listen.