(Closed) Am I a horrible person for feeling this way?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1856 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

You’re definitely not a horrible person for feeling this way. While helping out family if and when you can is a great thing to do, it’s frustrating to feel like one person is always the source of help…

The thing I’m wondering about is the likelihood of getting grandparent visitation rights for a young child (how old is she?) who he doesn’t have regular contact with. While I definitely don’t know the applicable state laws in this case, it just seems like a long shot that he would even have a realistic chance of succeeding.

Post # 4
Member
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I don’t blame you at all for feeling the way you do. You can be supportive but I don’t think you are financially responsible for his sister. On a side note- I’m a public defender and if she qualifies, she should use one rather than representing herself if she can’t afford a private attorney. Also, I practiced family law for a bit before my current job. Your FFIL has no standing to see his grandchild. The only chance he may have in winning some sort of visitation is if his daughter and grandchild have lived with him the past few years or so…

Post # 5
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

You’re not a horrible person for feeling like you’re being taken advatage of financially by FI’s family – and it should be a joint decision between you and your FI if you have joint finances/joint savings for the wedding – but the bigger issue is the weirdness of this situtation.

Your FFIL has seen this child 3 times. She’s terrified of him. He has apparently been allowed to visit and is now suing for visitation rights? This is so strange. It also sets off some red flags for me. I hope I’m just being paranod. It sounds like (at best) this child is being used as a pawn.

Any family/custody lawyers on here? Can a grandparent really sue for these types of rights/visits in a case like this?

If it were me, I would be doing what I could to help FSIL and her daughter (including helping her find a lawyer), but not necessarily paying for it.

ETA: @Mrs. Cooper, glad someone with some actual knowledge could reply. 🙂

Post # 6
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

You aren’t a horrible person at all. It is very important to set boundaries with family about borrowing money. Make sure your FI is on board (if he isn’t that’s a whole other discussion!) and tell her that you won’t be able to contribute financially, but you will help in others ways if you can.

Now she needs a lawyer, and she refuses to get a publc defender

Not getting a public defender is a choice that she really doesn’t have the luxury of making. She has access to a lawyer, but wants to use your money to hire a better one? Sorry no, that’s not your responsibility.

Post # 7
Member
1482 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

This whole thing is ridiculous. I don’t think you’re a horrible person AT ALL. There is literally no reason for FSIL to be hiring an attorney, because I think a public defender could take this case and win blindfolded. As PP have said, the likelihood of the grandfather being granted “visitation rights” when he has shown very little interest in being a part of her life in the first place are very slim. Is NY a state that is sympathetic to the mother? Even more points in her favor.

 

Post # 8
Member
2204 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

You are absolutely not a horrible person. If I were in your position, I would be very upset. 

I do hope you and your FI make the decisions together. At some point, your needs need to come first. I think it’s very offensive that your in-laws just assume they have access to your savings.

Post # 11
Member
996 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Otaqueen:  while i understand this is a heartwrenching situation it is wholly unreasonable to expect you to pay for her lawyer—this case is a joke and a public defender would suit her just fine–I would have a long discussion with my fiance about how we are starting our own family now and can’t be constantly be so involved with the drama of his family—let them fight it out, it’s not his or your concern

Post # 12
Member
7312 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Wait… time out…. you can get a public defender for a civil court case????????? I thought public defenders were only awarded for criminal cases? I am so confused. Why in the world would tax dollars be paying a lawyer for a civil trial?

Post # 13
Member
3182 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

No you aren’t a horrible person for feeling that way!  It doesn’t sound like that case is one that requires a super expensive attorney.  Besides, a lot of the public defenders are a lot better at what they do then the hourly attorneys that aren’t outrageously expensive. 

I’m a little confused about how she can get a public defender for a visitation case, but if she can more power to her. 

Post # 16
Member
10288 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I wouldn’t give anyone a penny. It’s not your (or your FI’s) responsibility to bail them out of their messes. If you ask me, you’ve helped enough. That money is intended for your wedding, nothing else. Maybe I’m insensitive since I’m an only child and I don’t understand the sibling dynamic but putting myself in your situation while DH has a brother, I wouldn’t sacrifice something as important as my wedding to give him money. Your FIL will never win his case so spending the money on an expensive lawyer is useless. Your niece hardly knows him and she’s afraid of him. No judge in their right mind would allow him to take her from her mother for an extended period of time. That’s just crazy. She should get a public defender or just defend herself. I really see no plausible way that she could lose the case. Grandparent rights are bullshit if you ask me. It’s not their kid and they have no right to them.

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