Am I a horrible, selfish person?

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
2878 posts
Sugar bee

I can’t really help you because you’ve pretty much written exactly the same dilemma I’ve been struggling with ever since we got engaged. I don’t think you’re selfish at all, but you’re trying not to hurt feelings while staying true to yourself and to your idea of what your wedding day should be like. There’s nothing wrong with that, but finding the perfect balance between the two might take a while. Good luck !

Post # 3
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

You really do need to do what you want to do. If you want to elope, go for it. Your family will be hurt, but I know that they would get over it. You aren’t being selfish for doing what you want to do. You need to decide what are the priorites for you. Is it a priority to have a small wedding with just you and FI there? If so, then that’s what you need to do. If you would like to have some family there, then do it small in Vegas with just immediate family there.

I could never elope because it means so much to me to have our families and friends there. That’s the most important thing to me.

You just need to think about what’s most important to you.

Post # 4
943 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Maybe you need to keep the wedding talk to a minimum until you decide what you want to do, to avoid hurt feelings. Would a private ceremony and a larger reception later be an option?

ETA: I was really nervous about having so many eyes on me during my ceremony, but really, once I was up there, I didn’t notice!

Post # 5
72 posts
Worker bee

You need to do what feels right to you, and I don’t think you’re being selfish at all. When I picture a selfish bride I envision someone who is demanding the world from everyone even though they’re trying their best. It seems to me that you’re being selfless – you’re trying to accommodate everyone without doing what you truly want to do. 


That said, I do think there’s a way to accommodae everyone. What if you and FI exchange your vows and have your ceremony alone – just the two of you, privately. You could either do the entire ceremony privately, and then have a reception immediately following for your family to celebrate with you, or perhaps have a private portion of the ceremony prior to going out in front of your family and doing it over again (a modified version, or a more light hearted version) for everyone else to witness.

During Jewish weddings they sign a document (it’s not the marriage certificate, it’s something to do with Judiasm that I can’t remember the name of right now, since I’ not Jewish and have just been a guest at Jewish weddings) privately before the ceremony begins. The document they’re signing is symbolic and has a lot to do with their faith and heritage. Then they have the ceremony, and then sign their legal marriage certificate afterward. Perhaps something similar to that format, where there is a time where it’s just you, your FI, and the officiant doing something significant and private before going out and letting your family witness another portion of the ceremony.

After all – while you want it to be private and intimate (which I totally understand) both sets of parents might be a little sad at the thought of completely missing one of the most important moments in their kids’ lives. And this could be a good way to include everyone AND still get your privacy.

Sorry that was so long!

Post # 8
6439 posts
Bee Keeper

I have a similar view to marriage as you. I really didn’t need the big party or to have lots of people watch us exchange vows, but my fiance sees it as an opportunity to welcome our social circles officially as a married couple. To satisfy both views, we are having a small ceremony with just our officiant and witnesses and then a few months later having a vow re-enactment and celebration with some family and friends. I think your family will still enjoy the celebration even if it’s a re-enactment. It’s a wedding, after all!

Post # 9
1392 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

My husband and I eloped, just the two of us. It pissed of a ton of people, but I absolutely cherish the fact that it was just the two of us. I wouldn’t change it for the world. 

Post # 10
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I went to an awesome “wedding” last year. I put quotes, because I just found out last week, that they were married 6 months prior to the wedding. They did a private ceremony, and some people knew. They didn’t exactly hide it, but they didn’t offer up the info either.

Honestly, that was the most fun I’ve had at a wedding so far. When she told me, I was shocked, but not upset. I actually thought it was sweet that they got to do something so personal.

I say, do what you want. Your families will get over it once they see how happy you really are.

Post # 12
1392 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

My sister in law said some horrible things. She was mostly jealous, and it took years for the damage to be repaired. We didn’t talk for months, but we have buried the hatchet (several times now, lol!) and for the most art, we get along pretty well. 

There were some people that were grumpy that we didn’t invite them, but we didn’t invite anyone, so not sure why any one took it personally…

We didn’t tell anyone but our parents, and they were all supportive. It was my second marmarriage and my husband doesn’t like attention, so it was perfect for us. 

Post # 13
3769 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I don’t think eloping is a mistake, but I do think it was a mistake to make tenative plans with your family and then eloping- might be. I am all for a bride and groom having the wedding they want, but I wouldn’t hurt my family after coming up with something and letting them think everyone is on board.

Is there any way the two of you could do a private “first look” with the photographer and exchange private words there and then do the actual ceremony in front of your family with your vows.

Post # 14
744 posts
Busy bee

ieatunicorns:  I agree with this. ShoeGal89:  I don’t think it’s bad to elope, but I think it’s going to be really hurtful to your families to have led them on to believe they would be included in the ceremony and then change your mind once they get excited.  I’d try to think about some way to share what you want to privately with your FI but have a ceremony for family too.


Post # 15
5812 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

ShoeGal89:  I didn’t read all the comments–just wanted to jump in on my lunch hour…

You can do what we did–we had a beautiful wedding in our home state with friends and family–said our vows, reception, etc. But it wasn’t legal (in my state it is very difficult to have a friend be the officiant). So on our Honeymoon in Vegas we got legally married (by Elvis in front of the Vegas sign). Best of both worlds…

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