Am I a terrible friend? HELP / rant / was my decision justified?!

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
69 posts
Worker bee

anon-ninja:  I think you were reasonable, it is hard when people are disorderly and you don’t want to wreck your wedding. However I can see it from her side too, she probably thinks the world of him (as you do when you are in a relationship) and may have felt a little offended. That can’t be helped though, it’s your wedding and you don’t need to put up with her boyfriend’s behaviour. I think the way you handled it was quite nice and I would stay in contact with her.

Post # 3
Member
1230 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

anon-ninja:  You did the right thing. And I’m going to back you up here and say that I’m not inviting my own brother to my wedding for the same reason. If someone behaved like that at my engagement party, you betcha they would be booted off the wedding list.

What is really sad is that your friend is wrapped up in a very dysfunctional relationship. What is she doing with her life and with this guy??

Post # 4
Member
7397 posts
Busy Beekeeper

anon-ninja:  The trouble is that you didn’t explain anything to your friend. So she is thinking that you are a rude friend who didn’t extend her a plus one. If you have any friends in common then she probably also knows that it was just her that didn’t get a plus one. 

If this happened to me then yes I would think that you are a bad friend. Worse is that I would know this is a passive agressive statement on my relationship. 

I think you made a choice and then she made a choice. It is a bit hypocritical of you to be upset. 

Post # 6
Member
1230 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

j_jaye:  Where did you get any of that?? She explained that due to capacity issues she couldn’t extend a +1 AND told her that before the invitations went out. That seems fair, especially since etiquette dictates +1s only absolutely have to go to partners married, engaged, or cohabitating (I read my Emily Post book- yes, I own one- on this as soon as I was engaged!). Which would be more insulting- saying there isn’t room and had to make hard choices or telling her her BF is a destructive drunk who is not fit for social occasions?

But OP, I’m wondering why you didn’t address his behavior with her much earlier. You betcha if someone caused a drunk scene like that at my engagement party, I would be having a heart to heart ASAP. Maybe that isn’t within the boundaries of your friendship?

Post # 7
Member
7397 posts
Busy Beekeeper

coffeedrinker:  anon-ninja:  but you do know her partner so it was a bs excuse. Regardless as I said you made a choice and she made a choice. It is extremely hypocritical to be upset about that. You can be upset, as can she, but you are the one that said you are going to let it effect your relationsip with her. That is childish and petty and not what a friend does. She hasn’t made a stink about you excluding her partner, she has respected your choice but you seem like you can not extend the same courtesy to her. That to me equals bad friend. 

Post # 9
Member
1298 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

anon-ninja:  I think your decision was justified, but so was hers. There really isn’t any way for her to not make a text seem cold when she’s saying she’s not coming to your wedding. It’s a text, with no tone to discern. As she didn’t answer your phone calls, this is likely a sore subject for her. 

 

Post # 10
Member
1230 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

j_jaye:  Again, I totally disagree. And I don’t believe OP would intentionally let this reshape her relationship, I think she is just aware that this will change her relationship. It has to, I know it would change mine.

And WHOAH, she is not hypocritical! She didn’t invite her friend’s BF- big deal! It’s not like she didn’t invite her friend! Again, etiquette states that- you know what, never mind. I feel like trying to get you to stop shitting on the OP is tantamount to slamming my head against a wall.

OP, you did the right thing. The only thing now is to either try to save the friendship with a heart to heart or go along with the status quo and make this a fading friendship. And I DO feel passionately about this, because like I said, I can’t invite my own brother because of his destructive behavior. I totally understand.

Post # 11
Member
1179 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You did the right thing op. I was in a similar situation but I had 2 stand bys to kick him out if he got too rude & there was security. I do understand your friend not wanting to go to your wedding without her boyfriend (nobody really does)

You can feel upset, but don’t dwell on it. In time it will pass and hopefully there will be no issues between you and your friend. Reply to her text to let her know that you’ll miss her on the day. You can still talk to her during your planning process, it’s not like you guys are not friends….

Post # 14
Member
7397 posts
Busy Beekeeper

coffeedrinker:  how about you stop shitting on me then because you are doing the exact thing you are excusing me of except I didn’t solicate opinions. The OP asked if she was a bad friend and I gave my opinion. But because you didn’t agree you had to jump on me. 

The hypocritcal part has nothing to do with the OP choosing to exclude the friends partner, the hypocritical part is that she is upset that her friend RSVP’ed no. It is also petty that she is using the boyfriends past behaviour to justify to us why she has a right to be upset about the no rsvp when the friend is just not attending because her SO wasn’t invited due to space constraints. That is unfair to the friend. Especially given most bees respond to polls asking that question that they would be offended and not attend if their partner wasn’t Invited. 

And to then assume that the good luck was something mean spirited rather than one friend wishing another good luck for her wedding. I would say that that is the OP using the friends choice against her. 

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