- 2 years ago
Going anon for this one! I’ve thought about this long and hard, and I just can’t work out whether I was in the wrong or not.
Our RSVPs were due on Friday, and as expected, we were left chasing around 20+ replies! One of my oldest and dearest friends, after much chasing and prompting sent me a text message of all things, declining our invitation to the wedding. I understand and respect her decision, but I can’t deny that I am extremely hurt and disappointed, and I know that our friendship will never be the same again.
So here goes… my best friend from high school has been with her boyfriend for even longer than FI and I have been together. However for the most part it has been a long distance relationship, and from what I could see not something he was as serious about as her. He had never made any attempt to meet or get to know any of her friends, and he hasn’t even made the effort to meet her parents! (who she lives with!) He also drinks to the point of absolute excess, and from what she tells me, he spends most of his days liquored up. From the things says, I don’t get the feeling he treats her right and he always puts his own needs ahead of hers. She’s a beautiful person who will do anything for anyone, and he seems to take advantage of this and she spends a lot of time catering to his needs.
When FI and I first started dating, we happened to stumble across him in a bar and I recognised him from Facebook photos so I introduced myself to him. I was so excited to meet him, I called her to tell her and had a chat and a drink with him. I soon realised he was quite a belligerent drunk, and it wasn’t long until he was trying to start a fight with FI and trying to take this outside to brawl. As much as FI tried to diffuse the situation, he constantly came up to us trying to egg FI on and trying to cause a fight. We ended up leaving to get away from any trouble.
We did not see him again until our engagement party almost a year and a half later, despite attempts to try to meet him again under more civilised circumstances. He turned up completely wasted, and didn’t waste any time in making use of our open bar. When I got to chat with him, he insulted my grandfather by calling him names and was really not pleasant conversation. They disappeared very early on in the night, without saying goodbye, and she later told me he was so drunk she simply felt the need to get him out of there. I also later found out from a few friends that he had been making lewd comments to them (apparently about how she would be “sucking his d*ck later” and other such things) and just being very inappropriate in general.
When it came to our guest list for the wedding, we gave it a lot of thought but unfortunately came to the conclusion that we couldn’t risk having him there. Given our past history with him, all I could think of was that he would show up completely plastered, offend other guests, and in worst case scenario start a brawl. Honestly there was a lot of discussion and some sleepless nights for me, and no matter how small the risk of the above happening, it just wasn’t a risk I felt that I could take with one of the most important days of my life.
Once we’d made the decision, I knew I had to discuss with her before invites were sent. I tried to initiate a catch up to talk about it in person, however she’s very busy and catch ups were often made when she had the time to visit. We’ve stayed quite close since high school, but catch ups only happened a handful of times a year. When catching up didn’t eventuate, I ended up calling her to talk about it over the phone as invites couldn’t be delayed. We had a big chat, and I started wedding discussions and the stress it was causing me and then proceeded to explain that unfortunately the invite would arrive addressed only to her and not her boyfriend also as we simply had capacity issues. I did want to explain that our partners clearly didn’t seem to get along and it would be for the best, but I chickened out because I didn’t want to lose her as a friend, and I felt by doing that she would feel that she had to pick between our friendship and her partner. I wanted to properly include her in the day, so explained that as terrible as I felt that the invite was without +1 I would be honoured if she spent the night before the wedding with us, and got ready together on the day. She agreed to all this, and seemed fine.
I completely respect and understand the decision she had to make, and I guess it would have been hard for her. However she never tried to discuss and never said a thing to me, from that discussion until a few weeks later when RSVPs were due. No discussion, just a very cold text saying she’d forgotten to RSVP and would not be attending.
Ever since, I’ve been tearing myself up about it and wondering if I should have just offered her a +1 regardless of the risks. At the same time, I can’t help but thinking how devestating it would be to have our big day ruined by an altercation.
I guess I don’t really know the point of this post, except to rant but… am I a really horrible friend?