Post # 1
I am 32 years old and live a fantastic life. It is, as I always say, way better than I deserve. I am married to a successful and wonderful man and we have two daughters. We have a great life, we are doing well financially and we are still crazy in love after six and a half years of marriage. So you are thinking, what is the problem?
Well, recently my “past” has really started to bother me and I have come to the conclusion that I am just going to have to dig in and deal with it. When I met my husband (who is very stable and goal driven) I knew that if I wanted to be with him I was going to have to file this emotional pain away. He is wonderful, but not the type to buy into the business of “closure” or inner healing. He is very much a pull yourself up by the bootstraps kind of guy. Without going into all the sorted details, here is the run down of the things I have been ignoring for the past 10 years. (He totally supports me dealing with these things)
I grew up in a really dysfunctional family. I was physically and mentally abused.
I met a man who moved me away from my family and isolated me, abused me, and made me have sex for money. You get the idea.
I got away from him, move back to the state I am from, and was raped by a stranger.
I met my husband TWO WEEKS later. Somehow I knew he was going to be the man I married. I just pushed all those things back, and proceeded to make a new life.
It has become clear that I have to deal with this. I have a great friend/mentor at church. She and her husband are life coaches and specialize in inner healing and living authentically. I love these guys and trust them completely. They have seen that I am struggling with something and have graciously offered to work through it with me. My problem is that I am the kind of person who puts quite a bit of importance on creating the appearence of a happy and successful life. (I am genuinely happy, it is that I want things to seem “Cleaver-esk”). Generally, my biggest fear is the appearence of anything ever being less than wonderful. I am so afraid that with the intensity of some of these issues in my past, their opinion of me will be tarnished beyond repair. You would never think from who I am now that I was ever “that girl”. I am just afraid that I am going to look like an idiot. Am I?
Post # 3
Oh hunny, absolutely not – I’m sorry to hear about the things you’ve dealt with, but “Cleaver-esque” is not real life – and working through your issues, especially with people you trust, is going to make you feel so much better, and help you to heal… and if they’re even worth trusting, they will be there for you! Hugs!
Post # 4
7Seven is correct on all counts 🙂
Post # 5
I agree with 7SEVENJ9 – how in the world would you look like an idiot in this situation? In everything that you posted here, you were the victim! These things were done to you by very bad people…and your husband was your knight in shining armor that helped you move past that at the time.
I think you totally need to get this stuff out and find closure with it. It’s not as if you broke up with a guy and still couldn’t get over it…you were raped on multiple occasions. That’s absolutely something that you should bring to light with these people to help you heal from it! I don’t think their opinon of you will change for the worse…if anything, it will change for the better. You’re a very strong person to have gone through life for this long and having this bottled up inside of you. Take them up on their offer of help and you’ll find that they will be able to help you heal.
Post # 6
Thanks for the encouragement. I just don’t want to look like an attention-seeking basket case.
Post # 7
@MrsFuzzyFace: If you don’t allow these folks to help you, would you consider talking to a counsellor who specialises with woman who were victims of sexual assault? You could always politely decline their help and do that instead. I think you do need to face this in order to get past it…keeping it bottled up isn’t going to help you with the healing process.
Post # 8
I think it’s really brave and insightful of you to realize that you need to talk about and move past this stuff in order to really be your best self.
There is no “that girl.” There’s just you. The things that happened or were done to you in no way reflect on your personality, values, or morals. Anyone who thinks badly of you because OTHER PEOPLE did terrible things needs to have his or her head examined.
Point being, the people at your church may see you differently insofar as they will know more about you, but I can’t imagine it will make them think less of your character in any way.
Post # 9
@MrsFuzzyFace: If a girl came to you privately and said she’d experienced all that you have and is now struggling to cope would you think she was attention seeking?
Post # 10
I wish I could give you a gigantic hug! For your own sake, and the sake of your children…..it’s important to deal with this! I’m sure that this is/will effect your day to day behavior…..and that will effect your daughters. You want them to grow up to be strong, healthy women…..and for that you happen….you need to have internal peace! Also for your own sake, this is WAY too much to carry around…..you must be emotionally EXHAUSTED!
I am SO SORRY that you went through all of this!
Post # 11
I am so so sorry to hear what you have gone through! I have been through some unfortunate situations myself and they make me so angry and hurt when I think about them.
I think talking it out with them is a great idea. Especially if they have noticed that you’re bothered by something and have offered to help you through whatever it is, I would graciously accept their offer if you feel comfortable/inclined to speak about it with them. You will by no means come across as an idiot. You were the very unfortunate victim in those situations. I think your friends will be very supportive and open to helping you deal with the emotions you have associated with your past.
Post # 12
@Jazziberry: I think it is just scary because it is so polar opposite of who I am now. Being vulnerable is scary and I hadn’t thought until recently that I would ever have to deal with it. You are right though, it will be better to get some actual healing instead of my usual pretending it doesn’t exist bit.
Post # 14
Why not see someone who you don’t know socially? You don’t want to find yourself holding back and not discussing absolutely everything. Also, while I am sure your husband is supportive of you going to therapy, he may be more comfortable if it is a more private situation for you as well. Either way, I hope you get the support you need.
Post # 15
If anything it will strenghten opinions, I think so anyways. Imagine the person you thought was “perfect” really wasn’t? And that this person is actually has a lot of bad sh!t in the past. However, this amazing person is now coming forward to deal with this, and this person may now be able to help others, and this person is using her past to be a better person.
Just because someone isn’t perfect like you thought doesn’t make them bad it makes them NORMAL.
By the way I’m always suspect of “perfect” people I think they cover up bullshit. Which you are doning (no offense). I’d be thankful that you’re coming out in a sense, I think it makes you a BETTER person.
Post # 16
I don’t know who the “their” is in your question, but no one decent would have a bad opinion of you because of what you wrote here.
It sounds like you still have a lot of shame and self-blame about what happened to you. What happened to you was Not. Your. Fault. Not at all. Not even one tiny little bit.
And you know what? Even if it had been in any way your fault (which it wasn’t), you would STILL deserve to heal, to have a good life, to forgive yourself, to be loved and treated with kindness.
I don’t know whether these people are the ones to talk to about it – I think if you feel so comfortable and trusting with them, they might be perfect; but I could also see it being easier to talk with an outside therapist. But either way, you should work through this with a professional.