Weddingbee boards

I've always had issues with my MIL. Over the years she has done/said a ton of things about me and sometimes to me that have been very rude and hurtful but I never really wanted to ever get into it with her so I would just blow it off. Of course I would be upset about it, but I have never actually confronted her on anything.

Lately she has taken a liking to passing judgement on my choices with school and work. My husband just started medical school in June and he is like her pride and joy, she never gets sick of bragging to people about how he is going to be a doctor. I feel like it is in bad taste because she is very money oriented and always wanting to look good in the eyes of others and I feel like she is using him to make herself look better. Anyway, I recently was on a family weekend with them and while she and his dad were telling someone about all of DH's accomplishments they proceeded to say "Yeah but we're still waiting on his dead beat wife to do something." Dead beat wife? I am 3 classes away from graduating with my bachelor's degree, I was working full time so that we would have enough money to get by since he can't work while he is in medical school, AND I am in school myself.

Over this summer I had just started my new job and I was getting really bad with my endometriosis. I've been in and out of the hospital and have just been having an awful time with the pain as it is now attached to my intestines and kidneys. I had just started an advanced organic chemistry course at the same time and needless to say the class slipped through the cracks and I didn't pass it. When MIL asked me how I did in it I didn't lie, I told her I didn't pass but I am retaking it right away and am still graduating in December.

Now last weekend we went on another one of these family weekends against my will when DH's grandfather decided to question me on school. I said it was going well, he kept questioning and asked me if I was going to actually pass. I was furious. I knew right away MIL had been gossiping about me. Why she felt the need to go tell his whole family that I failed a class is beyond me. Clearly that isn't info I would want to spread around and besides that, she knew I was having a hard time health wise on top of working a full time job. I was admitted into the hospital for a kidney infection on the day of my second exam for goodness sake.

On top of this, she manipulated my husband into us going on that stupid family weekend anyway. I know she is very manipulative and always pulls the guilt trip on him which he always falls for. We weren't going to go at first because both of us had a ton of stuff to do, but she honestly doesn't give a crap - all she cares about is that she gets to see her dear son because she is freakishly obsessed with him. I found out because when we got there his little cousin came up to me and said "Oh Aunt ___ guilted you guys into coming? At least she was laughing about it to my mom after she got off of the phone with you guys and said she was guilting him by saying people were expecting you to be here even though no one knew you were coming." My husband was pissed when I told him this, because he could see straight up that she just manipulated/lied to him when he really did need to be doing other things.

Anyway, this is long I know. But I am sick of her judging me, running her mouth about me, and just being an all around nosey jerk. Now that I am her son's wife, do I finally have more of a place to stand up to her or am I always just going to have to smile and nod? Ugh.

He has stuck up to me, but he does not like confrontation and when he has stuck up for me before she immediately cries like an idiot so he hates the whole situation. I'm sick of whining to him about it and telling him to because that's the advice I've always got before - that HE should be the one to say something. However, I have no problem confronting someone about being so obnoxious - I've just been biting my tongue for years because I didn't want to be disrespectful toward her since she was going to be my MIL and all.

@smyley: Well I don't really mean who is supposed to give me permission - I'm just kind of wondering what other people have done in my situation. I'm dying to tell the woman off, but I realize it isn't that easy seeing as though it is my husband's mother.

@SouthernTulip: He was really pissed about it, but no he never said anything to her about it. I told him I wanted to leave right away so first thing in the morning we got up and left. I told him I would not be putting myself in that situation again and he said he understood completely which means thank goodness I don't have to go on another one of those freaking family weekends with them again. I've told him a million times that he needs to just flat out stick up for me, but now I feel like he missed his opportunity to really deal with it. I don't know what his issue is - if my parents were to ever say something like that about my husband (which they never would because they are actually nice people) you can bet that I would stick up for him immediately and tell them to back off. It has been years of telling him to do it and although in the last few months he has spoken up slightly more it still isn't enough.

heres what i would do...

next time she says something nasty respond to her right there.  if she calls you a deabeat wife say something like, excuse me mil, that really hurts me that you feel that way especially in light of my recent health problems which you and i both know i wish i didnt have.

dont go and try to hurt her back, just stick to pointing out the horrible things she has done to you.  she cant blow it out of proportion if you simply say you really hurt my feelings. and just stick to that, dont bring up old stuff because she could deny it just live in the moment.  if she continues to gossip about you approach her as soon as you find out. try not to go out and insult her just say she hurt you and youd appreciate her not saying things like that,

i know its hard, but in my opinion its the best way to deal with the given situation.  you dont wanna have her freak out, you just want her to back off.

First, don't give her ANY ammunition. Never reveal a single flaw. She doesn't need to know about your grades. Everything is fine. She can't gossip if she doesn't know anything.

Then I would confront her about some of the names she calls you. Deadbeat wife is totally unacceptable. I would probably say something like "you don't have to like me, but I'm your daughter in law now and I will not be called hurtful names. I deserve that much respect."

And then just start ignoring. If she continues to be rude, that's entirely her own problem. You don't need to chat with her at family gatherings and you don't need to answer to her.

I agree with PPs...don't tell her anything!! I have a gossip queen for a FMIL and I learned the hard way what's it's like to have your personal business spread around and come back in your face. And it sounds like you do too :(

Don't tell her anything, don't give in to demands and work with your husband on ways to deal with her. He may not like confrontation but if he doesn't step up to her on this, it's going to get worse and last for years.

I think some people, like your MIL and relatives, are rude because they think they can get away with it. If you politely and maturely call them on it, on the spot, it tends to shut them up. For example, when they call you a "dead beat wife", calmly reply, "Actually, I support both of us while husband is in medical school and while i work and go to school as well" or something like that.

I tend to be a little direct with my responses and when your MIL is bragging about her son being in med school  I would say, Well it's a good thing I have a full time job to support us so that he can pursue that degree. It's not exactly nice but I would have a wicked hard time holding my tongue if someone ever said anything like that to me (the dead beat comment)

You and hubby BOTH have to stick up for you. But in different ways.

YOU should hold your head high, correct MIL on matters of fact, and not get defensive. Talk about your accomplishments, talk about how much you love school, talk about all the things you're learning and what your future plans are after school. You're not getting pulled into MIL's game and anyone would be able to see you are not a deadbeat.

HUBBY should be your cheerleader and your pit-bull: he should sing your praises in public and bust Mom's chops in private because what she's doing is NOT okay. Plus, frankly, what you need to make him realize is that she's not only embarrassing and insulting you, she's embarrassing and insulting HIM. What does it say about him if he's the bloke who chose the "deadbeat girlfriend" (which he didn't, by the way--just making that clear)? He needs to make it clear to Mom that disrespect to you means disrespect to him--you are one and the same and she needs to stop.

 And if he can't do that, you need to seek help.

Thanks everyone for your advice. I talked to DH about it and tried to get to the bottom of why he will not take care of it. Definitely let him know how much it is upsetting me again and that it hurts my feelings more that he hasn't put a stop to it. It isn't as if he doesn't know he has to do it, because he definitely does. He needs to just man up and deal with his mommy already before I do. If the next time comes around and he doesn't deal with it, I will.

@Statutory Grape: I really don't think it is a situation where we need counseling. We actually did do some premarriage counseling for our church before the wedding and that was great because the third party was a woman who ran our session and she told him exactly what we all know he should do. It is just going to be him actually getting up the guts to finally do it and do it sternly. I think after that finally happens the problem will be solved. Like my in laws were dropping in a ton of times unannounced to our house and it was super awkward and finally he told them that the keys are for emergency use only and if they kept coming over unannounced/uninvited he was going to take their keys away. It was AWESOME and guess what? No more visits :)

@NixLapi: I think a code word would be an awesome idea honestly. Because sometimes it happens and I know we are both thinking "oh my god... I cannot believe she just said that" but if I were to spit out a code word it would give him the kick in the butt reminder he needs to speak up.

@Trishthedish36: Haha I love your description! It is PERFECT! And so funny because men seriously do not see it. Like for example how I know when she is being manipulative in her subtle way that he never catches on to. Very bizarre.