Post # 1
I’ve always had issues with my MIL. Over the years she has done/said a ton of things about me and sometimes to me that have been very rude and hurtful but I never really wanted to ever get into it with her so I would just blow it off. Of course I would be upset about it, but I have never actually confronted her on anything.
Lately she has taken a liking to passing judgement on my choices with school and work. My husband just started medical school in June and he is like her pride and joy, she never gets sick of bragging to people about how he is going to be a doctor. I feel like it is in bad taste because she is very money oriented and always wanting to look good in the eyes of others and I feel like she is using him to make herself look better. Anyway, I recently was on a family weekend with them and while she and his dad were telling someone about all of DH’s accomplishments they proceeded to say “Yeah but we’re still waiting on his dead beat wife to do something.” Dead beat wife? I am 3 classes away from graduating with my bachelor’s degree, I was working full time so that we would have enough money to get by since he can’t work while he is in medical school, AND I am in school myself.
Over this summer I had just started my new job and I was getting really bad with my endometriosis. I’ve been in and out of the hospital and have just been having an awful time with the pain as it is now attached to my intestines and kidneys. I had just started an advanced organic chemistry course at the same time and needless to say the class slipped through the cracks and I didn’t pass it. When MIL asked me how I did in it I didn’t lie, I told her I didn’t pass but I am retaking it right away and am still graduating in December.
Now last weekend we went on another one of these family weekends against my will when DH’s grandfather decided to question me on school. I said it was going well, he kept questioning and asked me if I was going to actually pass. I was furious. I knew right away MIL had been gossiping about me. Why she felt the need to go tell his whole family that I failed a class is beyond me. Clearly that isn’t info I would want to spread around and besides that, she knew I was having a hard time health wise on top of working a full time job. I was admitted into the hospital for a kidney infection on the day of my second exam for goodness sake.
On top of this, she manipulated my husband into us going on that stupid family weekend anyway. I know she is very manipulative and always pulls the guilt trip on him which he always falls for. We weren’t going to go at first because both of us had a ton of stuff to do, but she honestly doesn’t give a crap – all she cares about is that she gets to see her dear son because she is freakishly obsessed with him. I found out because when we got there his little cousin came up to me and said “Oh Aunt ___ guilted you guys into coming? At least she was laughing about it to my mom after she got off of the phone with you guys and said she was guilting him by saying people were expecting you to be here even though no one knew you were coming.” My husband was pissed when I told him this, because he could see straight up that she just manipulated/lied to him when he really did need to be doing other things.
Anyway, this is long I know. But I am sick of her judging me, running her mouth about me, and just being an all around nosey jerk. Now that I am her son’s wife, do I finally have more of a place to stand up to her or am I always just going to have to smile and nod? Ugh.
Post # 3
Ugh… I’ll be curious to hear what people have to say about this – because honestly, I have a similar situation with FSIL – I’ve always just smiled and nodded (except one time, which was bad bad bad)… and FI has told me that if anyone is going to say anything to her it will be him.. but he doesnt like confrontation, so I feel like I should be able to stand up for myself!!! I told him if he doesn’t, then i will, so if he doesn’t want me to, he better! What does your FI have to say about that?
Post # 4
I think you always had a place to stand up for yourself, you shouldn’t have to be treated like that ever. Does you hubby stick up for you at all?
Post # 5
I think that not only do you have the right to stand up to her, but your DH should talk to her as well! I know there is no way I would tolerate any of my family saying things about my DH like your MIL have said about you. It’s completely uncalled for and not right at all. Have you sat down and talked to your DH about this? I would do that before talking to your MIL, so that when you do talk to her, you guys can put on a united front.
I’m sorry you are having to deal with this.
Post # 6
He has stuck up to me, but he does not like confrontation and when he has stuck up for me before she immediately cries like an idiot so he hates the whole situation. I’m sick of whining to him about it and telling him to because that’s the advice I’ve always got before – that HE should be the one to say something. However, I have no problem confronting someone about being so obnoxious – I’ve just been biting my tongue for years because I didn’t want to be disrespectful toward her since she was going to be my MIL and all.
Post # 7
I would leave her totally out of it and just focus on how she affects your relationship with your husband: as PPs have said, he needs to have your back when she’s insulting you. And to some extent, you probably need to be a little nicer than she deserves for his sake.
Post # 8
I agree. Who’s supposed to be giving you permission to stand up for yourself to anybody? You’re an adult and shouldn’t need to be given the OK to have an in your face conversation or confrontation with someone who is tormenting you, even if it is your husband’s Mother. I think as long as you allow it, she’ll continue doing it. Maybe it’s exactly what she needs.
BTW,and for future reference….MOST men don’t like confrontation and prefer to remain in lala land when it comes to family issues. Do what you have to do to save your sanity.
Post # 9
That’s awful! I’m so super sorry that you’re having to deal with all of her issues.
What does your husband have to say about those comments that she and his grandfather made? Did he not stick up for you and address his mother’s inappropiate and rude comments?
Personally, I don’t tell anyone anything that I wouldn’t want broadcasted on the evening news – but that’s because I’ve had bad experiences with not nice people. So in general I would refrane from speaking to her if possible, and definitely not go on any family excursions.
But I really think your husband should be the one to step in, in this situation. Has he ever said anything to her?
Post # 10
In a way, you certainly do have a right to stand up for yourself. However whatever you say to her is going to backfire. I think it is your husbands place to stand up to his mother. I just think that anything you say to her will be used for her to say “Look I was right about her”.
Post # 11
Stand up for yourself! I’d say start with comments the slide in and no one notices are mean. Yes, that’s hard, but it’ll get under her skin. You cannot let this women interrupt your life. By the way, there are lots of Dear Prudence and Abby letters where they both say to stand up for yourself (I read them for the crazy letters) and don’t let your marriage and life be ruined by a third party.
Post # 12
I 100% completely and totally agree with artbee. You’ve ALWAYS had a place to stick up for yourself, regardless of whether you’re married to her son or not. It really irks me to read that she is so mean to you and gossips about you. I do hope your husband sticks up for you.
If you find a tactful way of talking to her, please let me know. Heck, even if you blow up at her, let me know! 😛 I’m trying to think of a way to approach my FMIL’s rudeness, without having my FI talk to her for me, and keep running into dead-ends.
I wish you tons of luck! And btw, I’m proud of you for almost completing school! It’s a huge accomplishment.
Post # 13
Okay, so after reading you additional post…
I think it’s a serious issue that your hubby doesn’t address the issue with her more seriously. If she acts obnoixous like that to him, he should say something about it.
But, if he doesn’t want to then I would say something directly to her about it. It’s better to let it come out when you’re calm and collected as opposed to just one day a comment of hers just breaks the dam. You have the right to stand up for yourself against any person who is acting unjustly to you.
-Good Luck with everything!
Post # 14
@ItWasntMe: Well I don’t really mean who is supposed to give me permission – I’m just kind of wondering what other people have done in my situation. I’m dying to tell the woman off, but I realize it isn’t that easy seeing as though it is my husband’s mother.
@SouthernTulip: He was really pissed about it, but no he never said anything to her about it. I told him I wanted to leave right away so first thing in the morning we got up and left. I told him I would not be putting myself in that situation again and he said he understood completely which means thank goodness I don’t have to go on another one of those freaking family weekends with them again. I’ve told him a million times that he needs to just flat out stick up for me, but now I feel like he missed his opportunity to really deal with it. I don’t know what his issue is – if my parents were to ever say something like that about my husband (which they never would because they are actually nice people) you can bet that I would stick up for him immediately and tell them to back off. It has been years of telling him to do it and although in the last few months he has spoken up slightly more it still isn’t enough.
Post # 15
OMG, she’s still at it?! Arrrghh… I totally remember your previous post about her belittling you and I can’t believe she’s still at it! This totally pisses me off because you work so hard and seem so selfless with supporting him through med school!
First off, I’m glad to hear you’re back in school and still trying regardless of your health problems. You seem like a strong woman and you know yourself enough to not have to stoop down to her level BUT this is just gonna continue if you don’t learn some come-backs!
It’s horrible to have to think of this, but it looks like there really isn’t any other way to get through to this woman. This is my advice: act yourself and be completely honest with your feelings! But learn to be more vocal and communicate your situation.
For instance, when grandpappy asked if you were going to pass, take him by the arm and tell him how bad you felt about not passing then proceed with how HARD it was because of your kidney infection WHILE working full-time! You really need to get them to know you and know that you don’t have it easy — that way when MIL runs her mouth, they will be the ones sticking up for you! Without trying, she will look like the wicked witch that she is! Seriously, you just need to let others in … and you’ll be surprised with who’ll stick-up for you once they know your situation.
Post # 16
Well that’s good that he takes your side and was willing to remove the both of you from the situation! It’s going to take time for him to reach the point where he can do that – it’s really hard – but it seems like he’s going in the right direction.
I’ve found that with some people (that seem to be similar to your MIL) the only way to get across to them that they are being inappropiate is to be extreme. Sometimes literally saying f-you and leaving is the only way for them to get that they’ve done something wrong – sadly.