Post # 1
So I have a question and I feel absolutely horrible about it. I’m a bridesmaid in a wedding this summer yet money is really hard to come by right now and my fiance and I are struggling to pay bills, tuition, save for a wedding, house and pay for everything associated with this wedding that we’re in. In order to cover all the bills I’ve taken a 2nd job (and my fiance has 3!!) meaning that I pretty much work 7 days a week. The issue is that because I’m new at this job I can’t exactly be taking tons and tons of time off. In June alone I had to book off all 4 sundays for my sisters baby shower, the day we’re moving, Father’s Day and the very last Sunday for the bridal shower for the wedding I’m in. My new manager told me that I wasnt allowed to and the very most I can have is 3 and that alone is definitely pushing it. I obviously can’t skip my own sisters baby shower, i can’t change the day we move and I don’t get to see my Dad often so I can’t skip Father’s Day. So the only thing I can give up is the bridal shower. I know the bride is already frustrated with me because I can’t book off lots of time for all these girly days she wanted (multiple bar nights/ mani pedi days, etc) and I can’t afford to go to her destination bachelorette party either. So I feel like she’s going to get really mad when I tell her I can’t go to her bridal shower. What do I do? I feel really bad to tell her I can’t go to her bridal shower but I honestly can’t and I can’t lose my job just for her bridal shower. How should I tell her? I feel bad and I have no idea how to approach this. 🙁
Post # 3
- Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas
Honestly, I feel like if you explain the situation, she should understand. It’s not your fault, and you can’t do anything about it!
Post # 4
That is so stressful. I know how the bride feels about not having an active bridesmaid but honestly, no one says that you have to be involved in a whole bunch of things to be a bridesmaid. It sounds like you are in a really tough financial situation with the two of you working 5 jobs so she needs to cut you some slack. I think that I would tell her that she could drop me as a bridesmaid if she wanted because I wouldn’t want to ruin my friendship over this.
Post # 5
You poor thing! You’re doing the best you can, and if I were the bride in question, I would feel really bad for making you feel this stressed out! Honestly, the only thing she has a right to expect from you is that you show up on the wedding day, wearing what she’s asked you to wear, and that you’re on time and smile pretty in pictures. Everything else is extra. I hope she knows that. Just tell her what you told us–that you’ve taken on a second job to help with all your expenses and that you just can’t take the time off, you wish you could! She should understand. If she doesn’t…..well, we’ll just assume she will. 🙂
Post # 6
Just be honest with her and she should understand your situation. Only the bridesmaid hosting my shower this weekend is able to be there, I would love if they all could come, but they can’t and that’s ok. Being in a wedding a huge commitment of time and money, but really it’s about the WEDDING, not all the events before that…
Post # 7
Poor thing! She should and better understand. I mean you guys are busting your butts and it’s not like you are just blowing her party off for no good reason.
Post # 8
- Wedding: June 2010 - Orange County Performing Arts Center
Oy! If she is a friend, then she should be able to understand. Plus, if you are attending one or more of her other events, it’s not like you’re skipping everything! I’m a BM for a wedding that’s around the same time as my own and she’s having a lot of events too. I’ve already told her I can’t make most of them b/c of conflicts and when I approached it like, “I really would’ve liked to attend all of them, but I can’t. But, I will definitely be at the (insert event here).” and she totally understood. And, I always found that when brides plan a TON of events and expect everyone to attend every single one, they’re being a bit inconsiderate of your time and wallet! I was a BM once in a wedding where she had a mani/pedi day with lunch, etc., a bachelorette, a bridal shower and a bridesmaid bonding weekend. When I couldn’t attend one of them, she was really upset at me and it took forever to talk it out. But, we eventually worked through it. Good luck. I’m sorry. Keeping my fingers crossed that your conversation with her goes well!
Post # 9
Thanks for the support, you have noo idea how much that helps! I’ve been stressing about this for a while, well her whole wedding for a while actually because it’s costing us a fortune. ($300 bridesmaid dress, $260 tux rental for fiance + shoes/hair/makeup/gifts etc) I’ve been really supportive of her through the whole planning process, went to the bridal shows, trying on dresses, brainstorming ideas etc. so I really hope I’m not considered a absent bridesmaid. I’ve done everything that I can possibly do without spending more money but unfortunately it’s at a point where I can’t book off any more time for her wedding.
I really do hope that she understands. We had a bit of an issue before where I had to explain to her that I couldn’t afford to take part in all those extra days and couldn’t afford the bachelorette party and she was upset but said alright as long as you come to my bridal shower + the few other things I agreed to. So that’s why I’m stressing about this now. But I really do hope she understands because it’s not like I can give up a job when we’re so desperate for money.
Thanks for the support everyone!
Post # 10
What a predicament you are in. On one hand you made the commitment to be in your friend’s wedding and, as a future bride yourself, you should realize all that commitment entails (financial and time). On the other hand you are over committed with work and other obligations. If you were one of my bridesmaids I would appreciated if you tried to work something out. Could you do father’s day with your dad the night before or the next day (this seems to be the only other day that has a little flexibility).If you decide to miss the shower you need to gently talk to the bride about your situation. If being in her wedding is becoming a burden (financial or time) you may want to talk to her about just being a guest and not part of the wedding party…it might be a bit of a relief for her too. Good luck!
Post # 11
Honestly, I think it’s kind of ridiculous that she has you all spending all that money. 300 for a bridesmaid dress! All those “bonding” trips. If she even has time to take all those days off then maybe she should be giving you money! Don’t feel bad that you can’t afford all of her events. I’m sure you had no idea you’d all have to spend all that money.
Post # 12
If I were in your situation, I would go to my friend and tell her that I can’t be at their bridal shower. Contextually, I would tell her that I am willing to bail out of her wedding party if that makes it easier on her (believe me, when you’ll organize your wedding, you will understand that bridesmaids *need* to take those girly nights out to support the bride, at least every so often).
That way, you will show her that you are putting BOTH yours and her needs first (yours of not being able to take more days off, hers of needing an involved bridesmaid).
If one of my BMs would go so far as to offering to bail out I would have absolutely no problem with her not coming to my bridal shower because – by her offering to bail out – she would be showing me that she does indeed care for my wedding.
Post # 13
I totally understand where you guys are coming from and I completly agree, I did agree to the commitments both time and financially. However, what she had said was my expected of me compared to what actually is expected is completely different. I was told that she had found a dress she loved for us and it was $150, then when we went to the store she changed her mind and had us go with the $300 dress when she had previously checked what everyone was comfortable with spending and she knew we weren’t okay with $300 for a dress. But we silently paid it anyways because it’s her day so we sucked it up. But then she also selected the most expensive (literally) tux at the rental store so that she could get her invitations for free (some kind of promotion).
As for skipping the bachelorette, well she had told us she wanted us to throw her a fun girls night here where we live. Two months later she decides on Vegas, aka a trip to a different country (live in Canada). So I told her unfortunately I couldn’t attend. I felt bad, but I have tuition to pay for, I can’t be taking trips like that regardless of the reason.
Aside from her changing her mind, I had every intention of going to her bridal shower. I booked it off like I said I would. But if my manager tells me I’m not allowed then there isn’t really anything I can do. And unfortunately I can’t change Father’s Day because my entire family (grandparents, uncles, aunts etc) all get together that day and it’s not really fair for me to make them all change their plans.
I just wanted to explain about those few things. Because in a normal situation I would be totally fine paying for everything and attending everything and sticking to my commitments. I paid for the dress and I will be there for the entire 5 days (I took vacation time) leading up to and including her wedding. I never considered stepping down and as much as I would love for my bridesmaids to be there for me for everything, I wouldn’t ever want one of my bridesmaids to step down because she couldn’t afford to go to my bachelorette or my bridal shower. As long as they can be there the day off and have showed that they support me then I would be more than happy. I guess I’ll find out if she wants me out when I talk to her…
Post # 14
Yeah, I posted that before I saw the $300 dress!!! It sounds like she hasn’t been the most responsible bride when it comes to making sure her bridesmaids are accommodated as well. I felt bad making my girls pay over $200 for their dresses so I decided to cover part of that cost. I am also asking them to stay at the wedding sight for the weekend (another $375) and to have hair and makeup done ($150). I have decided to also cover part of hair/makeup costs too cause I think it is too much to ask. Then again, I also chose bridesmaids that I knew would be there for me no matter how crazy my requests became (2 sisters, cousin/bestfriend, and my other bf/lifelong friend). Again, good luck…it sounds like you might need it with this one.
Post # 15
I am asking for them to pay for a somewhat pricey dress with a sweater. However, I am paying for their hairstylist, make-up stylist and jewelry. Plus, the dress is something they can totally wear again.
I’d rather have no BMs at all than those cheap BM dresses. On top of it, in order to save (their) money I did tell her I need to bachelorette party or bridal shower. In no way I’m compromising on looks, I’m too vain and I want them to look stellar as well. I’ve got enough of those poor dressed down BMs I see so often in wedding pics 🙁
Post # 16
Poor you, it sounds tough! Just be honest, but… delicate, i guess you could call it. I don’t believe, in this day and age, with the way things are for everyone, that you should have to beg forgiveness for being skint! I thought we’d moved past that!
That said, I am surprised about one thing… here, the bride pays for the bm dresses, and the hair and make up. You buy your own shoes. The groom pays for the suits. I know my girls would have a wobbly if I asked them to spend that kind of money on a dress!
ETA we actually don’t do showers here at all, thank God! Enough expense around weddings without that!