Post # 1
Hi everyone… I’m sorry this is long.
My fiance is from another country and does not have family here or many friends close enough to consider for groomsmen. There are 6 ladies that I would want in the bridal party. He has no more than two guys he would ask. So we went with two bridesmaids, two groomsmen. While I know the number of bridesmaids and groomsmen can be uneven, I figured 6 vs 1 or 2 was too lopsided. So, I asked a very close family member who is like my sister to be one and I wanted a friend, so I asked one close friend…
I lived with two close friends for a long time and could never choose between them. So, I thought it would be ok to ask a friend mutual and close to all 3 of us (also lived with us for a time). When the other two friends heard that she was going to be in the wedding, they told me how hurt/angry they were and that they aren’t going to the wedding and basically ended the friendship (6-7 months ago). One even moved 8 hrs away and I found out on fbook.
When they approached me, I felt terrible and apologized that I definitely should have talked with them sooner and that they should have heard it from me and not the other friend (I was working 48-60 hrs a week at the time–not a great excuse, but partly why I didn’t get together with them asap). When they told me I should have had just the family member and no one else, I also said I should have asked how they felt and I was sorry that I hurt their feelings. I also told them they are amazing friends and I value their friendship–that it wasn’t about one friend being a better one than them. I feel awful I made them feel that way. And I told them that I still wanted to include them in everything like the rehearsal dinner, family photos, and getting ready, etc.
I tried to choose a mutual friend instead of between the two to avoid one feeling like I value the other more because I still wanted a nonfamily friend in the ceremony. Is that completely selfish/inconsiderate of me? I apologized and said I definitely could have at the very least gone about things differently and checked with them first. I apologized profusely for seeming like a bridezilla. I understand being upset or hurt, as I would be initially if they did the same thing. But I would understand and never stop speaking to them or feel my friendship isn’t valued by them because I wasn’t a bridesmaid. The other two girls I would have liked to ask to be bridesmaids are not offended at all and supportive, and I was a bridesmaid in one of their weddings.
In retrospect, I should have had just the family member as a bridesmaid and that’s it. Friends I confided in keep telling me that it’s my wedding and I should still be able to have a friend up there and that the two are being immature and shouldn’t automatically expect to be bridesmaids in a wedding, especially because they weren’t always polite to my fiance and he always felt uncomfortable with them. For an example, one of them threw his shoes into my room once when we were there instead of just asking him nicely to move them, which he would have jumped to do in a second if he knew they were in the way. I genuinely aplogized to them for everything and never meant for them to feel they weren’t important enough to me and I still feel terrible I hurt their feelings. But I also feel hurt at their reaction as well and don’t know if I have a right to. Just wondering what other brides think…
Post # 3
It is your wedding and it is your chose who stands next to you. It is understandable that they would be upset about not being included. Do you think they are upset for not being a bridesmaid or becuase you didn’t talk to them about it sooner?
It seems to me (and this is only my personal opinion) that if I were your good friend I would want to celebrate with you bridesmaid or not.
The friend that is living 8 hours away. Is it possible that you are reading too far in to why she isn’t comming? 8 hours is a long distance for many people. The gas money it self to drive 8 hours might be difficult to pull together depending on her situation. I always like to give people the benifit of the doubt if I can.
Post # 4
Your friends are really overreacting and definitely being immature.
The only thing I would have done differently would have been to sit down with each one of the girls you weren’t going to ask and explain the situation and ask to include them in another way, like performing a reading, before you asked the mutual friend.
That said, they need to chill. Ending a friendship over that is crazy drastic.
Post # 5
I don’t understand why your friends think it’s ok to tell you who you should’ve chosen. No, I don’t think you’re being a bridezilla at all.
Post # 6
Not a bridezilla at all! These friends aren’t worth holding injudo if yet are willing to lose yorbrebship over this. They aren’t entitle to a role and this is purelyhip to you. I have Agee close friends I don’t ask to be in my party and some I did and while I know it might have hurt some feelings a true adult understands that choices new to be made.
Maybe you should have talked to them first? Sure, but you aren’t incotrol of what others do. It was done for them to feel hurt Thornton to let this color their opinion on you. Thier reactions were self centered. Be glad you spared yourself some bridesmaidzillas.
Try to apologize again and if they can’t accept, let it go. There are much moreou portably things in life than this
Post # 7
Yup, I agree with PPs. You’re not being a bridezilla at all. Your friends need to relax and move on. Maybe you should have talked to them first and explained the situation but I don’t think it’s totally necessary, nor would it have guaranteed that they would be ok with your decision.
Post # 8
You have unreasonable friends. Send link immediately to this thread. (J/k about that part)
Post # 9
first of all, nothing you have described would classify you as a bridezilla.
secondy, it is your bridal party, you get to choose who you would like to stand with you! I wouldn’t feel bad about not telling them in person, you do not have to justify your decisions to these two girls. They obviously don’t know what friendship means, as they are being rude, disrespectful, and downright mean. Yes they might have been hurt, but they are adults, and should be able to discuss openly, how they felt. friends are meant to be supportive, and happy during this time in your life, not pushy and condescending. Can u imagine how stressful the rest of the wedding planning would go, if these two so called friends, would fight you about every decision you will make. It sounds like you made a great decision by not including them.
Post # 10
@globalmargaret–at the time this happened my friend lived in the same city but because she isn’t speaking to me over the bridesmaid issue, she never told me she was moving 8 hr south. I found out on facebook posts she was moving. I completely understand if people have to travel far for a wedding, they might not be able to make it. But she’s not coming because she’s still angry.
Thanks everyone! I did explain to them my reasoning in addition to apologizing but I agree with everyone that I probably should have talked with them first before making decisions, that might have helped the situtation. I sent them invitations even though they aren’t speaking to me so I’ll see what happens. Thanks again everyone for your support and opinions! 🙂