Am I being a huge B?

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
9529 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Be nice but firm. Sounds like his mom was asking, not demanding, so don’t get into too much of a huff. But it is well within your rights to say “no”. You’re just at the start of a long process. There will be disagreements along the way. So stand strong. But you still have to live with these people after the wedding, so try to be understanding and considerate. I’m sure she’s very excited about this and wants to share it with her friends and isn’t thinking about money. So let her know that you’re keeping it to family and your close friends.

Post # 4
Member
6000 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

First off, if your step-dad’s family really treated you that horribly, they shouldn’t be invited. Like hell if I’d invite people to my wedding that “hated” me and were so awful to me.

 

Secondly, tell his parents that if they want to invite their friends, they need to cover the costs (in a nice, calm manner)

 

As for the “your family will have more invites” comment, well I don’t really know what to say. Is it a competition to see who has more family/friends at the wedding? (that was sarcastic btw) Your family is getting more invites because it’s bigger, not because it’s more important. Period.

 

Post # 7
Member
9652 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

@kl1987:  Invite only who you and your FI both want there……and stand your ground! Don’t let people make you feel bad! And to answer your questions you are NOT being a B. Weddings aren’t cheap and people shouldn’t be allowed to just invite random people “their friends” to your wedding. As far as your step family…..if they treated me the way you were treated there is no way they would be invited! Good luck!

 

Post # 8
Member
3570 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think you are maybe overreacted because you were caught off guard by the question.  We allowed our parents to invite friends… I think that is pretty normal.  My mom’s guest list was the largest. 

Post # 9
Member
2209 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@kl1987:  Then my fiancee starts about how my family will have more invites because I have a larger family.

That’s how it’s supposed to be, IMO.  It’s not about each of you inviting the exact same number of guests.  If you have a larger family, then you should be able to invite the people you’d like from it.  Also, you mentioned your mom and dad are contributing, and while I don’t think that should determine the guest list, I would probably think “well, your family isn’t contributing anything.” (except for possibly helping with the rehearsal dinner, which would be nice of them).  I wouldn’t say it to him in that exact way, but basically, it’s just another example of not everything being equal and fair in the wedding planning process.
I also wouldn’t invite the stepdad’s family if they were horrible to you.  Obviously, you’ll need to invite your stepdad, but it doesn’t need to go any farther than that, unless you have step siblings that you get along with.
My FI’s family is all about inviting lots of (IMO) far flung family members (I think we’re up to 49 on their side, 29 on mine; his has many second cousins and first cousins once removed on it…which is another story) and they haven’t offered to contribute anything to the wedding yet, either.  This is his second marriage and I know they aren’t in the best of financial health, though, so it’s understandable.  However, we are in the process of telling my FMIL that we can’t accomodate everyone on her list (she told us 6 people, and then changed it to 19!).  PP is right – you need to be nice about it, but be firm.

Post # 10
Member
1872 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

The number one rule of the guest list: Do not invite anyone you don’t 100% want to be there. Honestly, your step-parents’ feelings don’t matter on this. If they wanted their families to come to your wedding, they should have thought about that long before and ensured their families didn’t treat you badly. They didn’t. Boo frickin hoo.

Post # 11
Member
5199 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Money talks.  If they aren’t paying, and these people aren’t important to you, then they don’t get an invite.  That’s reasonable.

Talk to your FI privately and make sure he understands that of course your family has more guests because 1) you have a larger family, and 2) your family is contributing financially.

Post # 12
Member
843 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Basically what @DomesticDiva:  said.  My parents are contributing more than my fiance’s family, and his family is much much larger than mine.  That’s just how it is, and I have no problem with it.

Post # 14
Member
861 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

@kl1987:   Well you don’t sound like B. Agree 100% that family comes first, an aunt is not discluded so mom’s friend from bridge club and dad’s fishing buddy can attend. If your mom wants to provide additional funds for her friends then let her, if not then tell “we don’t have the money” and show her your budget on an excel spead sheet.

 

Now I am a firm believer in he who pays the piper generally calls the tune. You’re purchasing your own dress, them pick what you want whether it be beautiful or madonna’s like a virgin. If I were you (since food/booze costs the most) I would allow your mom to pick as many guests as SHE is paying for. She is giving you 7.5k then that covers 75 people. Naturally she’ll want your aunts,c ousins etc now if after the family she wants(and is paying for) is on the list there is room for 2 more people based on how much money she is giving you then let her pick. THen she can not say 1 word.

Do you have budget/space for these neighbours FI wants there? If you don’t then again show him the numbers and say ” we do not have the money or space”

Post # 15
Member
10748 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2014

If I’m understanding you right, your parents are chipping in about $12k and his parents nothing. So… of course you’re inviting more family! I think you should have a talk with your fiancé about this and who’s covering what. I’m surprised he doesn’t get that your side = more guests because more money. And if his parents want to add extra people, they need to pay. 

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