Post # 1
This is my first wedding (and only hopefully!), so I may be completely out of line but I feel like I’m in some sort of twilight zone! My fiancee and I both have large families and our wedding is going to end up being about 140 people, even with inviting minimal friends. My dad is giving us 5k and my mom 7.5k. His parents made a comment this weekend that they will ‘help us’ with the rehearsal dinner, although I have no idea how much that would end up being. I also have a step father who’s family has never been anything close to nice to my sister and I (I’m talking when we were kids all their grandkids got hundreds of dollars worth of christmas gifts, my sister and I had to sit there and get nothing), and have always hated my mom. Well now my mom is insisting my step dads whole family be invited. Fine whatever, most won’t come anyways. My fiancee and I are going to come up with half of the money (at least) on our own, and we don’t have the money, we are going to be selling plasma (honestly) to come up with our half. The first thing his mom says this weekend (and I love the woman) “can we invite friends”. WTF NO! Between open bar and food we are spending AT LEAST $100.00 per person. Really you want to invite 20 friends and WE get to pay $2000.00 to have them? Then my fiancee starts about how my family will have more invites because I have a larger family. UMM so my aunt isn’t suppose to come so that your moms next door neighbor can? Am I going crazy? I swear I feel like I’ve lost my ever loving mind! I can see if our parents were flat out paying for the wedding or something, and I am the first to say that my parents are being very generous to give us what they are, but why does it seem they feel entitled to spend our money?
Post # 3
Be nice but firm. Sounds like his mom was asking, not demanding, so don’t get into too much of a huff. But it is well within your rights to say “no”. You’re just at the start of a long process. There will be disagreements along the way. So stand strong. But you still have to live with these people after the wedding, so try to be understanding and considerate. I’m sure she’s very excited about this and wants to share it with her friends and isn’t thinking about money. So let her know that you’re keeping it to family and your close friends.
Post # 4
First off, if your step-dad’s family really treated you that horribly, they shouldn’t be invited. Like hell if I’d invite people to my wedding that “hated” me and were so awful to me.
Secondly, tell his parents that if they want to invite their friends, they need to cover the costs (in a nice, calm manner)
As for the “your family will have more invites” comment, well I don’t really know what to say. Is it a competition to see who has more family/friends at the wedding? (that was sarcastic btw) Your family is getting more invites because it’s bigger, not because it’s more important. Period.
Post # 5
I was taken off guard by the question. My response was “well I told my mom no”. That’s when my fiancee chimmed in about me getting more invites because my family is larger. I think thats what pissed me off the most… Then I didn’t take it well and ended up saying “just invite who you want and I will figure out how to pay for it all”. That wasn’t the appropriate response…I know. At the end of the day, I’m gonna be the one who does though..I handle the fiancees.
Thank you @JenGirl I have to remember to be polite about it too!
I think tonight we need to sit down and go over what we have already spent, and how little that leaves even before food. I don’t think my fiancee understand that!
Post # 6
@IzzyBear I agree, I honestly would hate for them to be there (well not my stepcousins but my step grandparents and aunts, I don’t want to see them at all. I feel the same way about my step sisters on the other side too:( ). However, it would hurt my step parents not to invite them, and lets face it the money is coming from them too. I don’t know how not to hurt my step parents and make me happy. God I hate family!
We are having the wedding 2 1/2 hours from were we live. I am honestly hoping that will keep some people from coming!!!
*finances not fiancees in previous post:)
Post # 7
@kl1987: Invite only who you and your FI both want there……and stand your ground! Don’t let people make you feel bad! And to answer your questions you are NOT being a B. Weddings aren’t cheap and people shouldn’t be allowed to just invite random people “their friends” to your wedding. As far as your step family…..if they treated me the way you were treated there is no way they would be invited! Good luck!
Post # 8
I think you are maybe overreacted because you were caught off guard by the question. We allowed our parents to invite friends… I think that is pretty normal. My mom’s guest list was the largest.
Post # 9
@kl1987: Then my fiancee starts about how my family will have more invites because I have a larger family.
That’s how it’s supposed to be, IMO. It’s not about each of you inviting the exact same number of guests. If you have a larger family, then you should be able to invite the people you’d like from it. Also, you mentioned your mom and dad are contributing, and while I don’t think that should determine the guest list, I would probably think “well, your family isn’t contributing anything.” (except for possibly helping with the rehearsal dinner, which would be nice of them). I wouldn’t say it to him in that exact way, but basically, it’s just another example of not everything being equal and fair in the wedding planning process.
I also wouldn’t invite the stepdad’s family if they were horrible to you. Obviously, you’ll need to invite your stepdad, but it doesn’t need to go any farther than that, unless you have step siblings that you get along with.
My FI’s family is all about inviting lots of (IMO) far flung family members (I think we’re up to 49 on their side, 29 on mine; his has many second cousins and first cousins once removed on it…which is another story) and they haven’t offered to contribute anything to the wedding yet, either. This is his second marriage and I know they aren’t in the best of financial health, though, so it’s understandable. However, we are in the process of telling my FMIL that we can’t accomodate everyone on her list (she told us 6 people, and then changed it to 19!). PP is right – you need to be nice about it, but be firm.
Post # 10
The number one rule of the guest list: Do not invite anyone you don’t 100% want to be there. Honestly, your step-parents’ feelings don’t matter on this. If they wanted their families to come to your wedding, they should have thought about that long before and ensured their families didn’t treat you badly. They didn’t. Boo frickin hoo.
Post # 11
Money talks. If they aren’t paying, and these people aren’t important to you, then they don’t get an invite. That’s reasonable.
Talk to your FI privately and make sure he understands that of course your family has more guests because 1) you have a larger family, and 2) your family is contributing financially.
Post # 12
Basically what @DomesticDiva: said. My parents are contributing more than my fiance’s family, and his family is much much larger than mine. That’s just how it is, and I have no problem with it.
Post # 13
Thanks for the encouraging words and support everyone. It makes me feel a lot better! If we could afford everyone I’d be all about it. I have a vision for the wedding and I don’t want lower that to make everyone happy. We got a venue (against our families wishes) almost 3 hours away. Honestly my thinking was ‘nobody is going to come all this way just to say they were there’. It sounds horrible but it’s one way of ensuring people actually care to come. My sisters wedding was 250 people because both his and my parents wouldn’t stop inviting people! His parents paid half though so I think thats a little of another story. The thought has def crossed my mind on the “well your parents are not paying anything”. I have to remind myself not to say that!
I think I’ve decided to invite my step fathers family. One: it would lead to big problems for my mom if we didn’t. Two: They won’t drive all that way anyways. Maybe they will send gifts (which might really make me a B for saying!). They still owe me for the Christmas’!
Post # 14
@kl1987: Well you don’t sound like B. Agree 100% that family comes first, an aunt is not discluded so mom’s friend from bridge club and dad’s fishing buddy can attend. If your mom wants to provide additional funds for her friends then let her, if not then tell “we don’t have the money” and show her your budget on an excel spead sheet.
Now I am a firm believer in he who pays the piper generally calls the tune. You’re purchasing your own dress, them pick what you want whether it be beautiful or madonna’s like a virgin. If I were you (since food/booze costs the most) I would allow your mom to pick as many guests as SHE is paying for. She is giving you 7.5k then that covers 75 people. Naturally she’ll want your aunts,c ousins etc now if after the family she wants(and is paying for) is on the list there is room for 2 more people based on how much money she is giving you then let her pick. THen she can not say 1 word.
Do you have budget/space for these neighbours FI wants there? If you don’t then again show him the numbers and say ” we do not have the money or space”
Post # 15
If I’m understanding you right, your parents are chipping in about $12k and his parents nothing. So… of course you’re inviting more family! I think you should have a talk with your fiancé about this and who’s covering what. I’m surprised he doesn’t get that your side = more guests because more money. And if his parents want to add extra people, they need to pay.
Post # 16
Part of this is that he’s very sensitive about his family. For the most part; they are great people and there has never been any problem. I don’t want to point out the money thing to my fiancee because I know he will get very defensive about it. We are however, limiting family to the same for both..grandparents, aunts, cousins. It’s not my fault my moms family kept multiplying! I’m also not sure when it comes to people actually attending that it will be that far off… He knows I was ticked about it and is now claiming he was joking. Part of the problem is I have asked him numerous times for a guest list. He keeps saying he’s going to do it, but has yet too. That makes it way harder, and personally I think he’s underestimating his number!