Post # 1
My mother gave us $10k to pay for a wedding. Weddings are expensive in our area and I believe we need to use that entire amount. To save some money, I’ve decided to cut costs such as music and just using an IPOD, reducing the guest count to immediate family and friends, and not having any attendents. My fiance and I have even discussed taking an extra $5k from savings to pay for anything extra. That conversation was a couple of months ago. And now he wants to just use $5k of the $10k to pay for a wedding and the other $5k to pay for a honeymoon.
I understand his point of view of why dont we just pocket some of the money to pay for a honeymoon, but thats not how I want to use the money. Yesterday, we just had this huge blowout that just made me feel completely guilty. He said that we shouldn’t have a honeymoon then and why am I pushing us into debt (which is an extreme exaggeration). I just don’t understand how I can make him see that I want this to be memorable and that we only do this once, so I want it to look amazing. I want to splurge on things such as a photographer because we only have approximately 3 good pictures of us. But he thinks I’m just too focused on impressing other people.
I’m not a person that asks for a lot and usually just go with the flow, but this is the one thing that I want to put my foot down. And eventually I feel that I will just agree with him to make him happy and sacrifice what I want. It doesn’t help that one of his friends that just got engaged mentioned that they would just put all of their money into their savings accounts.
Post # 3
While I don’t agree with all of your cost-saving suggestions, if your mother gifted you the money to pay for the wedding, I think it would be a huge insult to use it on other things besides the wedding.
Is there some way you can talk with your FI about how this money was designated as money for the wedding and not the vacation after the wedding? It’s one thing if your mother gave you the money just because and then said you could use it for the wedding, and it’s another if she gave it specifically to pay for the wedding.
Post # 4
I agree, I believe that money is for the wedding if that’s what she gave it to you for.
But, then again you might have a very understanding mom and she might be okay with it.
Post # 5
If your mom gave you the money for the wedding then I say use it for that where you can. You do need a good photographer. It truly is one of the most important pieces of the wedding, especially if pictures are important to you. I would stress the importance of pictures, and maybe compromise on putting only some of the money towards a honeymoon, but not all of that 5K to pay for the whole honeymoon because once you do that he is going to pick out a more elaborate honeymoon.
Post # 6
Maybe you can compromise – use 7.5k for the wedding, 2.5k for the honeymoon, then throw in another 2.5k of your own money. (Or less, you could probably have a cool honeymoon for 4k.)
Post # 7
You can go on a great honeymoon for way less than $5000. Maybe compromise, use $8,000 for wedding, $2,000 for honeymoon? I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all, sounds like maybe he feels like you’re making all the wedding decisions and he wants control over something? Guys generally have very little concept of how much weddings cost and how quickly it adds up. I’m always amazed at anyone who can pull it off for less than $15,000. Ours came out to about $20,000 and that was for a relatively small wedding (damn northeast usa expensive weddings lol). Maybe try going over everything you will need for the wedding & see what his thoughts are on everything. Make a budget together & see where you both really stand on everything.
Tell him how important it is to you for you guys to have a wonderful wedding that you’ll remember for the rest of your lives. Just wanted to add…it’s completely normal for you to disagree on things and having a few fights about the wedding…I think everyone goes through it. Don’t give up on the wedding you really want, but also try to be flexible and listen to what he wants too.
Post # 8
I always like to take a stroll in the other person’s shoes before I make any decision…so let’s take a walk, shall we?
This is the ONLY time I’m going to get married, my mother gave us $10k for this event and I feel strongly about investing every penny of that in this life changing event, since it not only marks the beginning of our lives together, but will stand as a reminder of all the promises and hopes we have for our life. Using $5k of our savings for a honeymoon doesn’t seem like too much of an expenditure when you take into account that it’s a once in a lifetime trip.
This is the ONLY time I’m going to get married, her mother gave us $10k and it’s starting to dawn on me that I’m about to become someone’s husband, provider, protector and partner, she wants to spend all of it on the wedding and take $5K out of our savings for a honeymoon….I really want her to be happy, and she’s been amazing about budgeting, but what if something happens? What if I get ebola? What if I lose an eye? What if I lose my job and we’re sitting in the dark eating a can on beans with no lights on cause we’re broke and spent all that money on wedding cake and chair covers??!?!?!?!?
So…yeah, men are scary when you listen to the stream of consciousness…I’d split the difference in the disputed $5K, and either splurge on wedding or honeymoon, personally I’d go for the honeymoon, guests won’t really recall the details of your reception unless something goes wrong, and you’ll be too caught up in the moment to notice anyway.
Post # 9
Hmm I’m on the other side of this. If your mom gave you the money for the sole purpose of the wedding, then I would definitely ask her before you decide to spend it on something else. My mom gave us a good chunk of money for our wedding, but we decided to use it for a downpayment on a house.
I wasn’t even planning on having a wedding (we’re having a small 40 guest wedding now), and I’m so glad that we decided to use the money for something that we can truly enjoy throughout our marraige. I am in no way saying that this is what you should do, or that a wedding is a waste of money; however, you and your FI have to be on the same page when it comes to what the wedding is worth to you. Otherwise, one person will resent the other.
Post # 10
Does he really understand how that $10,000 will be spent? A lot of guys don’t understand how a wedding adds up. Does he know how many guests he wants? What kind of food? A bar? Try showing him some actual figures. Have him do some venue research. Try creating an actual bare bones guest list, and see how you feel about leaving people out.
I think it is *really* hard to agree on a budget when one or more of you don’t really understand how that money translates into your day.
Post # 11
oh my! how would your mum feel about using that money for a holiday?
Post # 12
@Nona99: Excellent post! ellejay16 I hope you read that!
No one is going to remember the details years after your wedding. Honeymoons can be done for $2000-$2500 easily.
Do you have 6 months worth of living expenses saved up?
Is this the account you’d be tapping into to take a “once in a lifetime trip?”
Don’t do it then.
I sure as hell hope to have trips in my lifetime that are better than my honeymoon. I mean my honeymoon was great and I loved it, but how sucky would it be for nothing else to be better for the remaining 60+ years you are alive! You don’t have to go all out with $5k for one vacation.
ellejay16 it’s time to learn how to comprimise. You each are not going to get your own way (marriage is all about comprimises), so you have to meet in the middle somehow where both sides can live with it. Would your mom be OK with a couple grand going to a honeymoon?
PS what is your location?
Post # 13
first step is talk to your mom…..if she is giving you a bunch of cash for a wedding you need to u.derstand what her expectations are.
if she says do whatever with the money then sit down w fh and the budget sheets. try to have as complete info as possible (like venue rental is $500, good is $50/pp, bar is….) and work from there.
ii think that until you have the whole story its hard to know if $5000 or $10,000 is too much, too litttle or just right.
Post # 14
Thanks everyone for the comments and putting thing into perspective. I really just wanted to see if I was being outrageous and crazy.
My mother has specifically stated that this money is for the wedding. I do think she would be initially upset if she found out, but would eventually down the line not care.
I think I will see if we can work on some compromise such as spending $7k on the wedding and the rest for a honeymoon. Maybe by having some money go towards a honeymoon will calm him down and not overreact with thoughts of bankruptcy and debt.
Post # 15
@ellejay16: If your mum designated the money to the wedding, I would use them for that (but try to go under budget if possible). Then I would suggest that you use your savings to pay for the honeymoon, but ask for contributions towards it from your guests. You can easily set up a honeyfund with that specific purpose in mind.
Post # 16
I think the money designated for the wedding should be spent on the wedding. Maybe sign up for a Honeymoon Registry if your fiance is concerned about paying for a honeymoon.