(Closed) Am I being crazy? Unreasonable? Selfish?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think you need to lay it out to them in black and what what you want and expect and hear what they are willing or able to give. Tell them that you want their help planning A, B and C and really would like a hen party that incorporates X, Y, Z, etc, etc, etc.

I don’t know the exact circumstances, but they might not offer to pay for things because you are paying for most everything and they assume you have it covered, but that still doesn’t excuse them for saying thank you. As for the many wedding events, it might be that they are complaining because there are so many wedding events.

Anyways, it’s all speculation until you sit down and talk to them.

Also, remember that no one will be as happy or excited about your day as you will be.

 

ETA: The only selfish part was saying friends hijacked your month. It would be been stresful, but I think you still could have kept the original date and just not helped out as much for the weddings, which I’m sure the couples getting married around the same date would have understood.

Post # 4
Member
314 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I don’t think you are being selfish or unreasonable at all. You went out of their way to make their day special and they should be there to support you. I do think you are being a little too accommodating. Learn to say NO loud and clear and make decisions and stick to them. As for the hens night, leave that up to your MOH to set a date and activity and what she decides goes, there’s always going to be some kind of conflict where someone may ot be able to go. Just 1 question- why are you paying for everythg for your BMs? Good luck! 

Post # 5
Member
14312 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Some people are just naturally more self centered and selffish, (I dont mean that in a bad way like actively TRYING to be selffish, but just not as keen to others type of selffish)… clearely you are not, but if those are your best friends and that is how they are, then I guess you should know that about your friends and although it sucks, it just not worth getting upset over.  We would all love if all our friends were like you, but (I’m a pessimist obiviously) I just dont think people are generally not like that.  In terms of moving your wedding out an entire year, honestly, I think that was a little extreme, but since you did that for them (and do they know and realize how far you pushed yours out on account of them??) I would have hoped they’d keep the excitement going for you.  I mean, it’s been a year since mine, and I still love to come on the bee and look/talk about wedding stuff.  To your first part, why are you even paying for everything for them??  If it is understood that in your culture/circle, and you as a bm in their wedding paid for everything yourself, I’d just let them pay for it and never even offered to pay.  Once you offer, it’s unlikely someone would offer to pay you back.  For your events and bachelorette party, just talk to your MOH, tell her what you want and go with it.  Just tell them you just want TWO measly days out of their life for the evens and one for the wedding and for them to quit bitching.  🙂  And yes, its the most important day of *your* life, but it’s really hard for anyone to be as excited as you are about it.  I planned everythign wihtout any help or frills from my bms.  We chatted briefly about flowers and I just showed them some pictures and that was it.

Post # 6
Member
1992 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@engagedjrb:  oooo girrrrrl you are not being unreasonable or selfish~ ALTHOUGH YOU HAVE BEEN TOO LAX IN THE PAST!  These girls clearly don’t hold your opinion or position of bride in a high place and thus, they are putting themselves before you…

I am going through the same thing! My BFF got engaged first and her wedding went first and I shut up tight about my wedding plans because I didn’t wanna steal thunder or focus and now her wedding is over and I’m ready to talk to my BMs about dresses and etc (because my wedding is in 3.5 months!) and now I feel awkward about it… like i”m still not allowed or something even though its my time to shine and I’ve been so patient!

Maybe you need to have a grand meeting and explain yourself. or maybe small meeting with each of them to explain yourself. Either way, they need to know how you feel!

PS- they might not be saying thank you for all the financial gestures you are making because thy feel bad they weren’t able to make the same for you… just a thought… it might be awkward for them because they wish they would have been able to do that but since they didn’t and there’s nothing they can do now… I’m not excusing their behavior or lack of thanks but I AM saying they might be ashamed?

Post # 7
Member
1696 posts
Bumble bee

@engagedjrb:  

You said it yourself: you love to help other people; you have a talent for organizing and arranging things, and you enjoy using it. Re-read that a couple of times. It is about you; about you doing the things that you like doing.

Does that say anything about you being generous and self-sacrificing? or does that say that you do the kind of things that give you pleasure, and your friends are just lucky to happen to be there serving your need to have someone to help?

No, I am not denying that you are a wonderful, generous, giving person. You absolutely are. Perhaps the world would be a better place if everyone were like you, but that is not the way it is. Different people have different gifts; feel rewarded in different ways. Some people, quite frankly, love having things be happy, convenient and fun for themselves. And others who might love to be helpful, don’t have the talent for organizing that you have. You do things that you love doing and that you have a talent for — and what makes those things “generous” and “giving” is that you do them without expecting pay-back. So spend some time each morning giving yourself a pep-talk about the fact that because you are generous, and give freely the help you give, you are not entitled to payback. It doesn’t matter that your expectations are reasonable or unselfish: they are not making you happy! You cannot change your friends, so if you want to be happy, you will have to change your expectations. Carrying on doing the same things, and expecting a different outcome, would be crazy.

Now, as for what etiquette says, prepare for it to say things you do not expect and may not like:

Traditional etiquette recognizes that your wedding is indeed an important day of your life, specifically because it is life-changing. From that day on you are married, and your married family responsibilities take precedence over all other responsibilities. For that reason, traditional etiquette held that wedding attendants had to be chosen from your unmarried friends. Modern etiquette of course allows you to choose married attendants, but when you make that choice you must make accomodations for the fact that they do have other priorities than your wedding. 

Etiquette does not consider discussions of how much your friendships have cost you monetarily, to be quite “nice”. We never really know what other people’s finances are unless we are their bookkeeper: people often have hidden costs or diminished income that they keep private, and how they spend their money is their own business. So while it is very nice of you to pay for their dresses and hotel rooms, you must not weigh that against your $1200 outlay or their presumptive financial situations. Offer what you can afford to be gracious about. If you cannot afford these things graciously, don’t offer then. Certainly do not wish for your friends to offer to pay for things that you have already offered to provide: that kind of behaviour would be considered ungrateful in the extreme! As for things like hair, make-up and accessories: traditional etiquette says that ladies should be trusted to be able to do their own hair and makeup, and choose their own accessories; meddling in other adults’ grooming being considered offensive. Modern etiquette allows you to dictate that these should all be the same, but if so requires that you pay for them — so that’s your choice, not something to expect gratitude for (especially if they are adherents of more traditional etiquette).Yes, they should say “Thank -you”. But that one word, a simple “thank-you”, should suffice. And if you don’t get that one word, it says something about their culture and upbringing, but it is a very small thing that you should not allow to destroy your happiness.

Etiquette says that your Bridal Shower is not your business to plan. It is not an essential pre-wedding event. It is entirely up to your friends if they want to plan one for you or not. You should scratch it off your list of concerns. Your other events except the wedding itself and its subsequent reception or wedding dinner-dance are entirely optional. You are the hostess, so you get to organize them, pay for them, choose the guest list, and take care of your guests’ needs and comforts at each of these parties. That is what a hostess does. You never plan a party to focus on yourself: you plan it to accomodate your guests. If your guests find your parties burdensome, perhaps you need to adjust either your plans, or your guestlist. If, on the other hand, you are making the plans but expecting your attendants to do the work of throwing them, you are doomed to disappointment. Take the reins, hire a caterer if you need to, and reconsider your plans in such a way that they do accomodate your guests.

Now that may seem upside-down to you: this is the most important event-suite of your life, and I am telling you to plan around other people. But etiquette is all about exalting the double-standard: a high and inflexible standard to which you hold yourself, and a tolerant flexible standard to accomodate everybody else. The payback is; that as a wonderful, generous hostess who puts her guests in the various spotlights, every single spotlight spills over onto you and you DO end up being the centre of attention. The more you chase the spotlight, the more you are begrudged the attention you seek. The more you accomodate others, the happier and more special your day will be.

But keep this in mind — and read it through a couple of times to be sure you understand what I am saying: no matter how happy your wedding day is, I wish for you that it may be the unhappiest day of your entire married life.

 

Post # 8
Member
2693 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

That sucks for you but what can you do.  I am sorry you aren’t getting the same effort back from your bm’s you gave them but it is life.  You just have to move on and try not to let it get to you.  Call a bm meeting and lay it all out for them and then go from there.  They need to know how you feel and once you get it all out in the open and talk, you guys might feel better (oh and be nice about how you approach this topic…just tell them how YOU feel without laying any guilt trips on them.. maybe they don’t even realize they are being ‘selfish’)

Also, it is YOUR wedding so you shouldn’t expect people to do anything.  I have no expectations for my bm’s, just for them to get their dress and shoes and be at the wedding.  They did offer to help with a few wedding stuff and plan a few parties but Ididn’t expect it nor did I ask.  I think if you went into this not having such great expectations of what people shoud be doing for you, you wouldn’t feel so disappointed. I hope it all works out soon though… and happy planning.

Post # 9
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

You have the right to be upset. I wouldn’t say anything about what you were able to do for their events tho. It will put them on defense and that conversation won’t go well. I would, however, the next time one of them calls to bitch, set them straight on a few things. I’d say “look, this is all for my day. If we can’t all get along and play nice, then let’s just cancel it.” tell them it’s suppose to be about you starting your new life and they are making it about them and honestly, that all the fighting and arguing isn’t fair to you. You picked them because you thought they had your best interest at heart. If they want it about them, then you can go out by yourself and enjoy your last bit of freedom doing what u want without them, and then go take a spa weekend to get rid of their bad energy.

I would say “look, I understand you are already married and my day isn’t important to you like it is to me, but I need y’all to stop arguing. It’s hurting me, and it’s not what I wanted. If you can’t plan an event for me, not all about y’all, then don’t plan one.”

I just found out I probably won’t be having a going out on the town bachelorette party like I wanted. I made the decision that my mother and I will be going to a spa. She doesn’t know it yet, but I am going to have some kind of fun even if I have to arrange it. If you are a true ppl pleaser and giver as you say, pick someone who truly has your happiness in their priorities and have a weekend with just you and them. It’ll be more fun than a night of arguing that you didn’t really wana do in the first place.

Post # 10
Member
494 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Ahh, I love it when Aspasia pops up.

Post # 11
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I could have written this post. I sympathise entirely. Honestly, so much about our situations are similar so obviously I also don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I had this conversation with my sister today so i’ll tell you what she told me. If you want something doing right, do it yourself and don’t judge people by your own standards. In other words, just because you would do things correctly does not mean people will do the same.

What can you do? Tell them what’s happening, what it will cost them and leave it to them to come. You’ll see who your friends are.

Post # 12
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I am like you and don’t like to speak up and make a fuss…BUT this is the time in your life when you need to speak up and let your friends know very specifically when they are hurting your feelings or else they will just keep doing it.  I had a friend that was waiting to get engaged and until she got engaged totally dissed my engagement.  I finally told her (even though it was uncomfortable) that she was making alot of rude remarks and I didn’t feel she supported me.  She was totally ashamed and apologized for her attitude and told me she didn’t realize how she was coming across.  After that things were great between us.

Post # 14
Member
8323 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@ticatica:  “What can you do? Tell them what’s happening, what it will cost them and leave it to them to come. You’ll see who your friends are.”

I personally really hate statements like this. Basically what you are saying is if your friends don’t drop the cash or attend your event they are not really your friend!!! So if they are unemployed and can’t spare the $40 to coe to an event they are not a true friend?

Sorry but I have had to miss many event in my friends lives for various reason and I would personally never hold it against someone because they couldn’t make it to an event or throw me an event I wanted!

Post # 15
Member
8323 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@engagedjrb:  Sorry but you chose to do those things for your friends- they are choosing not to. Friendship isn’t tit for tat.

They also probably haven’t said thank you yet because they are saving it for closer to the wedding- otherwise they would ne thanking you 20 or 30 times over. They may also feel a little insulted depending on how you bring it up. Saying I paid for your BM dress today is differnt to saying I picked up/ordered the BM dresses today.

It also depends on where you are from as well (which we don’t know) in some countries it is expected for the bride to pay fro the things you have mentioned.

Finally no one is obligated to help you plan/organise your wedding but you and your FI (and any paid vendors). If someone offers assistance great but it should never be expected.

 

Post # 16
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@aspasia475:  Slow clap! That was the best response that I’ve ever read on the wedding bee.

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