Post # 1
- Wedding: May 2012 - Salvage One, Chicago
Here’s the situation: my brother is older than I am, he’s 30, and really does not have his shit together, which annoys me to begin with. Long story, but he lives off his trust fund and has put no effort into finding a job.
He also hasn’t dated anyone seriously for at least 3 yrs, because honestly, any girl his age wants to date someone they could see themselves marrying or at least with a job, and that’s not him. So there has been a LONG line of girls he introduces me to, just to have a new girl in another month. As a result, I don’t want to meet and get to like these girls at such an early stage because I already know they won’t be around long.
SO- here it is: of course he started dating some girl a few months ago and they’re getting ‘serious’. And now he wants to bring her to the wedding and my gut reaction is that I don’t want her there. I’ve met her once, she seems nice and smart, and age-appropriate, which is a welcome change, but since I don’t think she’ll be around long, why have her at the wedding? This offends him of course, and I understand I’m being a bit catty and selfish and he should be able to have a good time, too. It makes no difference if she’s there…but if it really makes no difference- why does she have to be there?
I will also add that my brother is really good friends with all of my bridesmaids and girlfriends (they’ve all had crushes on him) and most of them are coming single, so it’s not like he’d be alone or have no one to dance with. He’s also in the bridal party, so his Girlfriend would be alone at a table of stangers for half the night.
He’s already asked her to come, and she said yes, but I can’t help feeling ‘meh’ about it, and I would really prefer to not have her attend the rehearsal dinner, at least, since it’s even more intimate with close family and friends. How mean am I being? I’m ready for your onslaught of opinions 🙂
Post # 3
It makes no difference if she’s there…but if it really makes no difference- why does she have to be there?
It makes no difference to you – it makes a difference to him. I’d let her come but thats just me.
EDIT: PLUS what if it really is serious and they end up getting married? (as doubtful as that may seem) do you really want it hanging over your head that you didn’t invite her to your wedding?
Post # 4
@JBing: Does he live nearby? Perhaps tell him that while you don’t have the space to accomodate extra guests, that you’d like to get to know her better and suggest that you and your fiance could go out to dinner with the two of them sometime?
Post # 5
He’s dating her. He wants to bring her.
He should bring her. Even if you think you know how it’s going to end up, he has a right to bring her.
Post # 6
I’d let her come. Maybe he’s finally getting his sh*t together and you’re treating him like he’s just going to do the same thing all over again. If she was 17 or a complete disaster I’d probably have a different answer but I don’t see why you’d purposely exclude her.
Post # 7
Eh I’d just let him bring her.
Post # 8
He’s your brother, let him bring a date. What if he judged your relationship so harshly? You may be right, but then you’ll have photographic proof of this mistake to tease him with.
Post # 9
Are you allowing other people to bring a guests if they are in a realtionship?
I would let him bring her. THe are in a committed relationship and it isn’t really your place to judge if she will be around a long time or not. Who knows maybe this is the one for him, maybe not. Given that he is your brother I would let him bring so he can really enjoy imself, if he has a girlfriend is he really wanting to dance and hangout with other girls besides his girlfriend- probably not as much fun.
Post # 10
He should be able to bring her. It’s rude to split up social units (and I consider BFs/GFs to be part of a social unit). And since he’s both immediate family and part of the bridal party, he should get a +1 as a courtesy since the Bridal Party usually puts in a lot more effort.
Post # 11
You said it yourself “It makes no difference if she’s there” so let her come. It means something to your brother. I’d do anything for my brother, and he’s like your brother- doesn’t have his sh*t together either.
Who knows- maybe they are getting serious & she will be around for a long time.
Post # 12
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
Both times (!!) that my brother got married, I was given a plus one. I wasn’t dating anyone either time, and took a date when I was 18, and when I was 30, invited a date but changed my mind the week of, since I’d be helping out the day of with my nephews.
For immediate family, I think it’s really nice to have a plus one- if my brother wasn’t currently married, or if Future Sister-In-Law were single, we’d give them plus ones (and we’re *very* selective about those.)
Is there not space for her at the bridal party table? For the rehearsal dinner, Emily Post says: If single members of the wedding party were invited to bring a date to the wedding, then it’s kind to include the date at the rehearsal dinner.
Does the budget allow for her? If so, it’s a nice gesture- I realize he’s not your favorite person, but he’ll probably resent not being able to bring her.
Post # 13
I am of the opinion that people in the wedding party are doing a lot for you and should be allowed to bring a date. I do understand your frustration, but it’s not like he is asking you to be her best friend or to talk with her all night. You will have an amazing wedding whether or not she is there. So as long as it’s not a money problem, I think you should just be gracious to her, and hey maybe you will be surprised and she will stick around!
PS- yes he was wrong to ask her without your okay, but you have enough stress with a wedding approaching, try to let it go.
Post # 14
@JBing: I can understand not wanting to get emotionally attached to the girls your brother brings over. But, one of these days, that girl is going to be the one he ends up with. I once had a friend tell me: is this one going to stick around (referring to DH)? It was SO hurtful. Mostly because if this person was important enough for me to introduce her to him, then that should be enough. I didn’t understand why she just couldn’t be nice to him – whether or not he was a keeper or not.
That said – I strongly believe the enjoyment of a guest at a wedding is, in part, due to the guest they can bring with them. As long as your brother understands she is not to be included in family pictures, I’d treat her just like any other wedding party date.
Post # 15
it seems like a lot of drama for no good reason to me. If it is important to him to bring her, let him. She probably realizes she won’t be at his table already. If i were her, I’d feel insulted being asked not to come. Especially since you noted that you have lots of single girlfriends for him to hang out with. IF there is any chance of him continuing to date this girl, you will be setting the tone for bitterness and resentment for years to come. Doesn’t seem worth the risk to me.
Post # 16
IMO, just from your post since I don’t personally know you…..you’re being too hard on him. If he wants to bring his new, current Girlfriend, let him. I haven’t known my brother’s Girlfriend for too long but they seem pretty serious and she’s coming to my Destination Wedding in 2 weeks! My brother booked her flight and is paying for her hotel, that says a lot to me! Don’t be so hard on him….he’s your brother! If it was a guy friend that you invited to your wedding that wants to bring a date….eh, not so much! Cut him some slack already!