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I think you're being insecure (to reply to your title). Getting the ring is great, but would you want to ever feel like you'd pressured him into it by having a freak-out? He loves you - he's with you! Trust him and relax. I know it's hard to do, but it sounds like he just wants you both to feel like the occasion is happy and stress-free.
I agree with @ lilacwire.... I was doing the same thing there for a while and I had shut up about it since January and now HE is brining it up... We had a talk last night and I asked him about how i havent brought it up at all and how I know he needs the money for the ring but he said it has been great that I havent brought it up and it has helped him want to do it sooner. Maybe your man will get the hint if you just stay quite for more then a couple of weeks like I did. He also may have a plan in his head like my SO does, he even told me last night that it is on a certain day, I asked him what if something happens and ruins it for that particualr day? He said nothing will get in my way of proposing on that day. I wonder what day now? soon I hope... but what I am trying to say is mine has a certain day soon where he is planning on doing it and yours might to.. just have to relax like I had learned to do and it will happen for you.
I was in your situation...and I really just had to have self control, and remind myself every day that he will propose when I calm the hell down. Eventually, he did propose, and it was after about a month and a half of no outbursts. Just vent to us on WB, and let things happen on his end naturally :)
I wouldn't even say insecure, I would say pushy. He wants it to be a surprise, and you keep asking about it. That's like being in the car with kids in the back, saying "are we there yet" "are we there yet" "are we there yet" every 5 minutes. Its aggravating and causes everyone involved to get upset. So I would say RELAX! Find something to do. Find a hobby, join a Zumba class (its soo much fun!).
I know you really want it, but you have to stop bringing it up, it only pushes him back from doing it.
I would stop talking about it, let it just happen, if he has the money, let the man be and do it his way, stop freaking out about and and having fits. The more you pressure him the longer it will be, just enjoy being happy together and everything else will fall in to place.
DH and I are home together, and I read this to him. He said "I think proposing on the upswing is BS". Then my love quoted my favorite quote by Marilyn Monroe: "If you can't handle me at worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." He thinks he's delaying. He said tell him you need a break so that you can figure out where you stand and if you're willing to wait for him. And actually go somewhere for a night a least. He said this will make him make a decision. He will have to think about what he wants while you're gone. Wait for him to call.
I would have told you to stop nagging him. What do I know I guess!
@mwitter80: Agreed, and it is nice to get your mans opinion on this for her, we need other mens opinions because we dont know how men think and never will.
How is it supposed to be a surprise if he's told you he's saved for it and he's definitely doing it? He set you up for failure. Of course you're anxious now. Had he never said anything, then he could have his way of a surprise. But now the cat's totally out of the bag and I think it's just a little cruel to "punish" you by telling you to basically behave better.
It's really difficult when you are waiting with the degree of certainty that you have. I suggest you wait say 3 months and not mention this ONCE. That is adequate time for him to sort his end out so if he hasnt done it by then or mentioned it then you have cause to think he is stringling you along. Give the guy a chance to invoke the element of suprise!
Hang in there x
I think it depends on the guy, mine hates nagging and doesn't respond well to it and honestly I don't either. I am a teacher and when my kids whine and whine I ignore it. Yes he should love you at your best and worst, but this sounds like nagging to get your way. I wouldn't continue to do it. Maybe wait for him to say it or wait a month or 2 and then say something about a timeline. but give it a rest and he can't use that excuse anymore.
since your friends and family, who know you in real life, are telling you to shut up about this, you're probably talking/nagging too much.
to be completely honest, NOTHING you do will cause him to propose. he just will decide when he wants to and will just do it.
if he doesn't, do you really want to marry someone who you had to CONVINCE AND NAG into proposing? you deserve someone who is so in love and so ready, financially and maturity wise, that they are going to do it of their own accord.
honestly, i feel like the girls who are nagging and being control freaks over a proposal ARE ruining it. don't try to control it. he should be man enough to handle this all on his own.
@mwitter80: I agree with your husband unfortunately. Good luck OP. Melt downs get you no where and you need to get in control of that.
@Elleymae: Believe me, I feel for you! I was in a similar situation...constantly thinking about it, stressing that it would never happen, etc. I would bring it up almost daily (which my BF found super annoying I'm sure). Finally, he told me that I really needed to stop bringing it up all the time because he wanted it to be a surprise and because he did not want to do it because he felt pressured.
So I shut my mouth. It was hard. Very hard!
Finally, the day arrived...I was surprised and of course, happy! In hindsight, I see where he was coming from with my constant bringing it up. It's hard to see that beforehand though!
Just keep biting your tongue!!! It will happen soon! Fingers crossed.
Would you give a screaming kid the toy he's crying for in the middle of a piss fit? No. I think he's pulling a realistic approach. Why would he give in to your whining and moaning and propose? That's like shutting the screaming kid up with toys and candy.
I'm sorry but I have to agree until you zip it, you'll be waiting indefinately.
I wouldn't want my boyfriend to ask me to marry him because i pressured him into it. You have to wait for good things to happen. I would stop asking and worrying so much about it. You didn't mention how long you have been together? And i don't think it's called being strung along if you enjoy eachother's company and want to be together.
I have to agree in that if you would stop having a meltdown about it every two weeks, he might have been able to propose by now. Who wants to propose to their girlfriend while they're having a fit about not being proposed to? You need to set yourself a better time limit - not a word about a proposal for at least 3 months. If he doesn't move on it by then, then he's dragging his feet.
I've read a lot of your posts and I strive to be more like you. LOL. Not because I don't like "me" but because I like your confident no BS style.
I've read a lot of your posts and I strive to be more like you. LOL. Not because I don't like "me" but because I like your confident no BS style.
You know what? You may not think that he isnt thinking about it and thats why you always want to bring it up so he knows you still really want it and you want it NOW.. but i thought the same thing and my SO told me he thinks about it all the time, for instance he told me he thought about it just yesterday at work. So hang in there girlie.
People on here may disagree with me, but my gut says "Give him his space and then some." For the next 3 months, I would not mention engagement plus I would get very, very busy. I would not call, I would take his calls but get off of the phone first, I would see him about 1/2 as often as usual and I would just make him miss me and realize how much he can't live without me. Of course, I don't have a ring on my finger, so you may want to take my advice with a grain of salt.
@Elleymae: Thanks, goodluck being more blunt :P.
I forgot to add one more thing that might help you in zipping it as I initially said. GET BUSY. Take up something new, exciting for you. A challange of sorts. Cooking class? Knitting, baking whatever you LIKE to do seek out that activity and participate in it more.
I was a "waiting bee" for a while until someone suggested going back to school to occupy myself. I took said advice and low and behold 6 months into my new project he proposed. Likely because I finally had something to do/ think about OTHER than when's he gonna ask...
@Elleymae: I think the insecurity monster is attacking you. I have to use a chair and a lion tamer's whip to keep it at bay, but even then, it manages sneak up and take over sometimes. (OK, a lot of times).
You're in a great position that many Waiting Bees would like to be in: He's TOLD you he's not only going to do it... but he has the ring, he's amost past the cold feet (and in some cases that counts as unofficially engaged on some of the boards) and all that's stopping him is your anxiety over it. I can't remember who t happened to, but back around the fall or winter, one Bee posted that she was given her ring right as she was having a melt down. He had a plan of how he wanted to do it, but he figured it was better just to give it to her, tear-stained face and all than go through all the upset again (and maybe again) before he could set things up for a 'surprise'.
Look or Mr. Bee's Plan, a post on how men want soemthing special, too, and a weepy lady isn't one who tuggs at the heartstrings (actually, science has just shown that tears release a phermone that actually repels men, killing their libido and attraction to you, even if just temporarialy.) You want him to see the sexy, fun, smart, beautiful gal he wants to marry, not a sad, insecure wretch who sounds like she just wants a cracker jack prize (I know you're not like that, so does he).
I'd LOVE to know my BF had a ring in his posession, and was just waiting for the right time to propose. You've been told what I and many others on this waiting board haven't - your BF has already told you in no uncertain therms that he HAS CHOSEN YOU... he just wants to make the formal ceremony of proposing special for you both - just like a lady likes the wedding to special, the man feels he has less control over the wedding than the proposal - he needs that control, to feel he did this on his own, without any pressure. My BF has waffled for ages, making me feel at the times that lion tamer's whip breaks like I'm not really chosen, yet, as Mrs. Right.... I'm just Miss Right NOW, hoping there's not a Miss Next Tuesday, Miss Next Year, Miss Next Decade.
Follow Mr. Bee's Plan as best as you can - find some really exhausting activities to do that numb the brain and make you too tired to stress about it. Then post pics for us once he does it :)
Wait wait wait, let me clear something up here... he does not have the ring. He has the MONEY for the ring, he has asked me what kind of ring I want, but as far as I know, he hasn't purchased it.
@vmec: Thanks for you advice and I know it's good and I know it's true, however, been there... done that. I lost sight of it though, and every time I try to get back to that place, my mind says, "oh... you already did that and still no ring," only a promise that it was coming! I will try again though, sometimes you just need lots of people to tell you to GET BUSY! Thanks.
All you other girls, thank you, thank you, thank you for your advice.
@Elleymae: I lost sight of it though, and every time I try to get back to that place, my mind says, "oh... you already did that and still no ring," only a promise that it was coming!
As far as you know he hasn't bought it, but your statements of him saying he'd almsot done it a few times but held off becuse of the tears amde me think he'd already bought it - also, it's been several months - I'm pretty sure he's probably got it or will soon, if it was a special order of some kind.
Also, and I'm not being snarky at all, the promise (if it's kept, of course) is far more important than any ring. He said he'd propose - that's the promise. There are some pretty happy, non-ringed engaged ladies on these boards. So you're waiting for him to officially ask for your hand - not just to put something on it.
He said he's going to do it, and I'm sure you wouldn't want to marry a guy who you couldn't trust to keep his word on something this big. So trust him. You'll be fine :)
@Isilme: You're a genius. I always love reading your feedback. Agreed on all fronts.
Unless he's bought the ring in the last 2 weeks, he doesn't have it. I know this because he's told me. Not that he came right out and said, "I don't have the ring yet," more like I asked him if there was any way I could help him instead of freaking out. He said, show me the type of ring you want, I'm between two right now and can't decide and that's one of the reasons I'm nervous. I showed him. About 2 or 3 weeks ago, MAYBE he's gotten it since then, but back when he told me "he almost did it" many times, he meant the whole thing. He's totally the type to buy the ring like a week before, or worse, find out the day he buys it that he can't take it home right that day..... hee hee.
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Back in October, my boyfriend said he was going to propose. Told me he'd looked at rings and everything. Was saving money to buy the ring. He has the money now, and has had the money since December. No proposal. The problem is, I can never go more than about 2 or 3 weeks before I have some sort of melt-down and freak out about it. Every time I do, he says that he's going to ask but that he doesn't want to ask when we're not getting along about it or when he feels like I'm pressuring him. He keeps telling me that he's "sure" that he's going to and he wants it to be a surprise. But it keeps getting "put off", usually by me throwing a fit (my words.) The problem is that I don't know if I'm being insecure or if I'm being strung along. Sometimes I think that I am putting off the proposal and sometimes I think, it shouldn't matter how I'm acting, if he really wanted to ask, he would.
We just talked about it again the other night and he said that he wants to ask when we're on the upswing, not when we're arguing about it. He also admitted that there have been lots of times that we've been on the upswing but he wasn't able to pull the trigger on it. Part of me thinks, just keep my mouth shut and wait for it, and part of me thinks, yea... he hasn't done it on the upswing because he keeps "finding other stuff to do" (stalling?)
My friends and family tell me if I would have shut up about it, it probably would have happend by now. They're sure of it... But they don't "know" this, he hasn't said anything to anybody about it, they're just speculating.
Anyone see situations where the guy said he was going to, and never did?