Post # 1
I’m a regular bee on here, but going anonymous for this one.
My FI is still friends with a lot of his ex’s (most were never too serious), but there’s one I have an issue with. She’s honestly a really nice person, but it’s because of what I know that I feel like crap when I’m around her. Her and my FI have been friends for a long time (middle school) and had a short period where they were both single and hooked up which was shortly before he and I got together. That on it’s own is how life goes. However, my issue is that expecially during the first bit of our relationship, he would bring their hookup up to me (pretty much just when we were drinking). I know WAY too much about exactly what happened that I feel like I was there. There was one time when FI and I were away on vacation and having a great time. For whatever reason, that was one of the times he told me about it in a ton of detail…to the point where I almost started crying and said something to him like “I don’t want to hear this, please stop”. He did, but that was after a lot of detail. Anyway, she’s a lovely person, but when I’m around her, all I can picture is what he told me and I just go back to feeling really hurt and upset because of him bringing it up while we were together and in so much detail.
Anyway, it’s completely my issue and I own that (so try really hard not to react when they’re hanging out). They’ve been friends for forever and so I’d NEVER ask him to not see her/be friends. FI is completely aware that I have an issue with her (but really just can’t seem to understand why/that it isn’t that she’s not a nice person) and didn’t tell me that they had lunch one-on-one while I was out of town. A coworker told me they saw him with a girl and described what sounds like her, so I’m confident it was her (she’s pretty unique to describe) but not confident enough to ask him about it based on that. I’m SUPER upset that they did stuff on their own (he regularly sees her in a group setting) and he didn’t tell me. To me, the big deal is that he knows my feelings and intentionally hid that he saw her (if he’d had lunch with another friend, he would have mentioned it to me). Am I just totally overreacting to this? I 100% have no concerns about anything going on between them and know that wouldn’t happen…it’s more that he felt the need to hide it. We’re now seeing her in a group setting tonight unexpectedly as she was invited by another friend so we’ve been talking about her/FI could have easily mentioned they met up.
Post # 2
dwobride : No you’re not overreacting. your FI was completely rude describing his sexual experience with someone you see often in detail too. And this is just icing on the cake because now you’re thinking about that experience when he spends time with his friend. I would be worried too, but you also need to trust him as well.
Post # 3
I don’t think you’re being irrational. I’m trying to figure out what was going through his mind when he was going into deep details about their encounters!? Like.. did he explain why he felt the need to talk to you about that after you got upset? UGH- I’m sorry bee, I woud be upset too.
Post # 4
dwobride : Your problem is that your FI is an asshole.
Post # 5
Anyway, it’s completely my issue and I own that (so try really hard not to react when they’re hanging out).
Ummm actually this is HIS issue. WTF? Why on earth would he talk about this hookup with you (or anyone) if it didn’t mean anything to him? I think he’s got some shit to sort through. This is 100% not your issue. You are 100% justified to be angry about their relationship.
Post # 6
dwobride : yeah I feel bad for the friend and for you. She probably has no idea that he’s sharing parts of HER sexual history with people (UGH! how gross of your FI), and you have every right to be uncomfortable with knowing/hearing about it too. Do you otherwise trust them together? I mean really, it doesn’t sound like SHE has ever done anything to make you uncomfortable right? Just your FI’s weird ass need to overshare?
So if that’s the case I wouldn’t even start with their 1-on-1 lunch. That’s not the real issue. I’d say, “FI listen. I need you to understand something. Friend is a great person, and I have no issue with your friendship, or with her at all. However, you are sharing not only details about her past that she would probably find highly inappropriate for you to share, but you’re sharing them with me. I am your fiancee, there is no situation in which I want to hear about your sexual encounters with ANYONE besides me (despite knowing they’ve happened, that part is not my issue), and especially not in graphic detail and especially especially if I know the person involved. You are completely out of line. You owe me an apology, and you owe it to me and to Friend to stop talking about your encounters together. I will not have this discussion again with you. Got it?”
Post # 7
You need to be more assertive and not so passive. I don’t know if it’s a self esteem issue or what. First off, he shares a ton of sexual detail about another woman he is still in contact with? Like, who does that? But was is even more telling is that fact that he thought he could get away with it with you (with a woman like me, he wouldn’t even have had the opportunity past one sentence).
Then he had lunch with her sneakily and you are acting like it’s wrong to ask him about it. Huh? And if that’s not bad enough, you actually say it’s on you to basically get over it.
Post # 8
I am struggling to understand how this convo where he told you about hooking up with her in graphic detail would have even gone down? It seems so bizarre to me, especially since it’s clear you were extremely uncomfortable and even started crying. Why would he feel the need to tell you this shit? I’d be more concerned about the character my SO than anything else at this point, because he sounds sick in the head.
You are not crazy for feeling extremely uncomfortable with him still hanging out with this girl–esp when he’s doing it behind your back. Stop putting the blame on you. Your bf’s behavior is not normal. This is not how a healthy relationship works or should make you feel.
Post # 9
Hmm. I think, if you did not ask for details, it’s kinda rude of him to mention them. I like listening to my FI’s past encounters in detail because I’m curious and it doesn’t faze me at all, but I don’t talk about mine as he doesn’t want to know. It’s simple respect.
If your fiance is out of line, talk to him. It’s easier than if the friend is the one who’s acting up.
Regarding the group setting, personally I wouldn’t mind if it’s in a group, but is there a reason why he would not mention her? Since he knows that you have an issue with her, maybe he’s wary of mentioning her if you’re the kind of person who would easily flip out on him if he so much as brings up her name.
Post # 10
You’re not, but she isn’t the one who deserves it. He was out of line sharing when he was drunk. He chooses to omit information that you would be uncomfortable with- namely the lunch. And he chooses to not to understand why this makes you uncomfortable. And he chose to compromise that friendship by sharing her private history.
Post # 11
I do not think your are out of line here. I went through something like this with an ex-bf. I think you have a right to be upset and most women would be. Nobody wants to feel like they have to look over their shoulder. I would not want him to hang out with her either. I think there needs to be clear boundaries in this case. I think you should say something like I know your friends with so and so and I would never tell you not be. However, you did hook up and that changed her from a friend to of more of an ex gf lover character.
I think it is fine to tell him you feel uncomfortable about them hanging out 1 on 1 and that is inappropriate given their shared gross history. I think you should say I don’t mind you seeing her in a group but you feel weird about him possibly going behind your back when you left for a short time. I think that action kind of screams red flag. I do not understand why he would tell you in detail what went on between them. I think you should mention that as well and say that you cant ever forget it etc. You also might want to consider counseling for couples.
I think clear boundaries are fine though when it comes to someone of the opposite sex especially since it has not always been an innocent relationship. I know you do not want to come off as jealous and possessive but I think if you explain it rationally without screaming a good bf would A reassure you that nothing is going on and he loves you only B explain about the lunch if it was him C Respect boundaries about no 1 on 1 romantic dates with ex lovers. I used to deal with this stuff all the time and trust me its better to just confront the beast. Good luck!
Post # 12
- Wedding: October 2016 - Lola's Trailer Park
What is the context of the conversation where he felt like giving you such detail?
Post # 13
Sorry, but your boyfriend sounds like a major douche.
I think this situation goes wayyy outside the typical “insecurity” post. He’s the problem.
Post # 14
So many issues here, Bee 🙁
1. Sharing private details that she didn’t consent to and is unaware of. Major character flaw on FIs part. He’s untrustworthy.
2. He’s insensitive. Why tell you? Served no purpose.
3. He’s thinking about her naked when he’s with you. Sorry to be blunt, but that would bother me 🙁
4. Seeing her one-on-one without clearing it with you FIRST? no.
5. Not telling you about their date (sorry but one-on-one meal with member of the gender you’re attracted to and one you have a history with to boot is a date) after the fact? More no.
6. Why do you feel uncomfortable being honest with him about your feelings?
6a. I almost said why doesn’t he know how you’d feel and then I realized it’s because of 6. You don’t tell him. or even worse and sadly more likely: he does know, that’s why he didn’t tell you about it. (Circle back to point 1.)
Bee, she may have his past but if he wants your future you should put your foot down about his interactions with her going forward.
Post # 15
You’re not overreacting but you’re taking it out on the wrong person. The person who screwed up was your fiance. He should never have talked about it in so much detail. He screwed up. If you could go back in time, I’d tell you to stop him WAY earlier. Because that’s the whole problem. He gave too many details, you feel weird, he doesn’t get it so doesn’t mention having lunch with her because he knows it will bug you.
The first thing I would do is talk to your fiance and flat out tell him that he really screwed up by going on and on about the details of their hook up. He’s the one that created this uncomfortableness. That might help him understand things a big better. Tell him that you’re working on getting over it but he can help by being upfront and honest about his interactions with her. That incldues letting you know if they’re hanging out one-on-one. That is a reasonable thing to ask.
Then, moving forward, it’s just a matter of trying to put their hook up out of your mind. Try to actively think of something else when your mind wanders that way. It might help to do something cool with her (escape room, sky diving, scavenger hunt, volunteering, etc). That way you have a positive experience with her that you can direct your thoughts towards when needed.