Post # 16
I agree that BF is the problem and that you seem to find it difficult to express your totally justifiable feelings. You have every right to stand up for yourself, up to and including asking him to have nothing to do with her, history or no history. The fact that she’s a “nice” person has nothing to do with it.
Every couple establishes their own boundaries around friendship with exes. But BF has established his with no input from you, even when it’s obvious it’s causing you considerable pain. Personally, I find it problematic when people are not able to put the past in the past. BF obviously has residual feelings and it wasn’t even that long ago. You have every right to ask him to distance himself from the affair in any way that makes you comfortable.
I can’t understand why you won’t even discuss the one on one lunch with him. The problem here is there is no communication and your feelings are not being respected. BF seems to some degree to be living in the past, as evidenced by his drunken ramblings. At least you have a heads up. A lot of people just manage to hide their feelings better.
I’d think about whether you really even want to be with this person.
Post # 17
Yep. The only thing “irrational” about your post is the fact that you’re putting this on yourself.
Post # 18
dwobride : You are not irrational, that is wrong on so many levels. I am a very secure woman, but I don’t want to hear about my husband’s past relationships. Your FI needs to stop that – next time he starts talking about her stop him and say “I don’t want to hear it! And I never want to hear those details again!”
Post # 19
Can we all please agree that when a guy acts inappropriately we’ll stop second guessing ourselves to see if we’re being irrational or insecure or possessive or controlling or jealous? And that we will refuse to own any of this shit when we know deep down that something isn’t right. Because when you refuse to own this shit, you drastically decrease your partner’s ability to gaslight you on it being your fault.
Because of course this isn’t okay. And it’s most definitely not ‘all on you’, though if your bf is even half the douchebag he sounds like, he’d sooner have you question yourself than him.
For me: My DH being friends with exes is okay. Ditto co-workers, former school friends, co-ed teammates, neighbours etc. UNLESS a line is crossed. Then all bets are off and even things that would ordinarily be fine with a PLATONIC friend are no longer okay. Trustworthy partners simply don’t cross those lines.
I know my DH’s basic sexual past and he knows mine- but drunken reminiscing in porn-level detail? Hell to the fuck no on that. I would be hurt and furious and would assume he still had some king of thing for this woman (though I wouldn’t blame her).
Don’t you dare let him make you feel like you’re over-reacting Bee because you’re not, if anything you’re under-reacting and turning this inward upon yourself. It’s not normal to drunkenly re-live your sexcapades with an ex in play by play detail to your significant other.
Post # 20
dwobride : You are not overreacting. It was thoughtless of him to describe his physical relationship with her to you.
Since he knows you are bothered by his past with her, it behooved him to tell you about his lunch, or any one on one meeting with her. Why would he hide – or not mention – the lunch with her?
Post # 21
- Wedding: March 2017 - Outside in Paris
Ewwww… like I know DH had a past but I would be livid if he was talk Toby me in detail about it especially if I was her friend.
Post # 22
I agree with everybody else who said that you’re not overracting. Plus, your fi knows that what he’s doing isn’t right which is why he hid that one on one meeting from you.
I think that boundaries need to be set in a marriage (I assume you’re marrying relatively soon since he proposed?). He shouldn’t be glorying in past sexual encounters or hanging out alone with any woman. That’s disrespectful and not how someone should operate once married. Might as well start those healthy patterns and boundaries while engaged.
Post # 23
Gross. I would be really, really upset if a partner felt the need to describe the details of a past sexual encounter in the first place (do NOT need or want to know) and even more so if she’s someone who you have to interact with. Totally inappropriate. The fact that he still sees her one on one only makes this worse. My spidey senses would be telling me that there’s something wrong here.
Post # 24
Thanks bees. I’m utterly overwhelmed by your responses and bawling like a baby. I always thought this didn’t seem right, but haven’t shared this with anyone until now.
I’m cringing writing this, because I know it’s going to sound as though I’m defending him, but I think there are a few things that might not have been clear in my original post:
-He stopped talking about her like that probably 2 years ago to me, so this is somewhat old news.
-The “major” time when he went on about things in detail was about 7 months into dating, so about 2.5 years ago and I never understood why it came up. From what I remember (given the passing time and the fact that I was drinking), nothing prompted the conversation. No talk of ex’s or anything like that. Honestly, that’s a huge reason it bothered me so much. If I for some bizarre reason had asked for details, I think that would be totally different. Being in a relationship was very new to me at that point and in hindsight, I don’t think I stopped it sooner because I was confused and not sure if it was normal.
-I just can’t seem to convey to him that I don’t have an issue with HER, it’s with what he told me and seeing her bringing that to the front of my mind.
Thanks for all the support bees. I appreciate the gental dose of reality. Honestly, I was worried I’d get a response that I was just being insecure and jealous.
To the bees that commented on it being a violation of her privacy – I totally agree. That’s actually why I haven’t really spoken to anyone about it – nobody knows that anything at all has ever happened between them.
Post # 25
Ask him how he’d feel if you described a sexual encounter with someone in graphic detail and then went and had lunch with them.
Post # 26
dwobride : You are upset/mad at the wrong person. She didn’t sit there telling you all about her encounter, your fiance did. Are you sure you want to marry someone like this?
Post # 27
“I just can’t seem to convey to him that I don’t have an issue with HER”
You have an issue with her, not just at her. It bother you that he is still really close to her, and that he even hides when he hangs out with her -it has probably been more than once, just that time they were caught. Stop trying to make it sound like you are fine with his relationship to this ex. You are not, and you are in all your right not to be.
For me, him talking about his sex life with an ex would have been a dealbreaker. If I had told him it bothered me that he hanged one-on-one with this person, and he remained to do so, that would be another dealbreaker. I am guessing they aren’t dealbreakers for you, since you’ve remained with him so far, so then you have to find another way to address this issue.
Have you had a heart to heart with him? Have you told him that it bothers you that he keeps hanging with this woman?Have you told him how uncomfortable it has become that he told you all about their sex life? Have you told him it upsets you that he doesn’t seem to care for what you feel? Have you let him know that you would prefer if he remain in minimal contact with her?
You need to open up and tell him all of your feelings. This is the man you are planning on marrying, he is supposed to want to make you be happy. I know that if my DH had a female/male friend who made me uncomfortable for a valid reason (ie. She flirts around him, he used to be madly in love with her, she has disrespected me), I wouldn’t have a problem bringing it up for discussion -and he wouldn’t have a problem with prioritizing my needs (of course, depending on the situation).
I agree, as pp mentioned: Are you sure this is the kind of relationship you want to enter to?