Post # 1
FI and I are getting married in a few months and will be taking a honeymoon right after the wedding. Our flight would leave the night after the wedding, so the day after the wedding we would have free to ourselves. But that is where we differ…so here is the background
FI and I have had repeated arguments about his tendency to work TOO MUCH. He is ambitious and I love that about him, but I notice it is taking over our relationship. After a huge fight last week, he promised me that he would do everything to make our relationship better in terms of cutting down on extra hours. We don’t have any debts, and have a lot of savings so there is no need for him to pick up so many extra shifts–but yet he has continued to do so even after we had numerous discussions. So, long story short, after our agreement last week I was feeling much better…until…
He sweetly asked me if he could pick up a shift the day after our wedding–it would start at 7am until 5pm and would pay a ton more than other shifts because it’s a holiday weekend. Anyway, I initially was really upset but then after thinking about it I said ok–because I thought of how our honeymoon would start that night when we got on the plane to go away for 8 days, so I thought I could suck it up and let him take the shift.
As days went by I felt really weird about the situation and could not feel OK about it. So this morning I told him that it really bothered me and I didn’t feel good being left all by myself the next day after the wedding. He got frustrated and said he would give up the shift. But he was definitely not happy at all to do it. In fact, I feel like he resents me for it–although he won’t say a word and said fine he will do what I want.
I am now left feeling so guilty for wanting something that is so natural. He doesn’t understand why I cannot be ok with it because in his mind we are going to go on an amazing honeymoon so I should just be happy.
Should I stand my ground even if he is sulky and annoyed for doing what I want? Or should I compromise here even if it feels really weird to me? I even suggested that he could start the shift at 10am, but apparantly it’s all or nothing because they won’t give him the shift unless he starts at 7am.
Post # 3
What time is your wedding supposed to end? He’s not going to be able to enjoy himself if he works that early the next day…
Post # 4
what made you change your mind and feel weird about being left for that day?
i mean i can see positives and negatives, like i could sleep in reaaaally late maybe go through some of the gifts or visit a spa to get primped for the honeymoon, pack things.
so im just wondering what it is that made you feel really bothered?
Post # 5
@violet25: I don’t really understand the difference between starting the shift at 10am vs 7am or why you want him the whole day after the wedding if you’re not leaving until the night time for the honeymoon. Is your wedding going to last late into the night and you’re worried that he will be too tired and not want to stay up and party? Or is it that you just want to spend the morning after the wedding with your husband? I’m just trying to understand the issue with him working.
You said he works too much and he asked you for permission to take this shift. Are you upset that he even bothered to ask?
I don’t think I’d be upset in your situation. I think he has good work ethic and the fact that he wants to work and wants to makes extra money and can make more money on this shift is a good thing, IMO. I don’t see the problem. I know you don’t have debts or anything, but making more money is never a bad thing unless he’s working so many hours that he NEVER sees you ever. Is that the issue? I don’t think that’s the issue with this particular shift b/c you guys are about to embark on an 8-day honeymoon, just the two of you. But, is that the issue that you have in a general sense with your relationship? B/C, then, perhaps I can understand why this one incident is making you more upset than it would make me.
Post # 6
@peachacid: Our wedding would end at midnight. He would have to leave the hotel at 6:30 to get to work.
I just picture myself waking up and leaving the hotel all alone. It makes me feel so starnge to be in that position.
He suggested going home after the wedding–since we live so close to the hotel. But I had this whole romantic thing in mind about going back to the hotel room and just sleeping in, having a nice breakfast together.
Post # 7
I don’t think you are out of line. However you should have just been upfront about it in the begining. I also think he shouldn’t work the day after the wedding unless you guys really need the money.
It’s unrealist of him. I would think he want to enjoy the recpetion and sleep in the next day, and say goodbye to any out of town guest if you have some.
Post # 8
@futuremrsk18: The issue is that it’s not necessary for him to work and yet he wants to do so, even though it is the day after our wedding. I just simply cannot understand why he can’t spend that morning with me instead of working. If it was any other day I would be ok with it–but I don’t want him to do this on the day after our wedding.
Post # 9
I voted wrong! I said no, but I meant yes, I assumed the poll question was the same as the thread title.
I would be super upset if we weren’t spending our first day as a married couple together.
Post # 10
I woudn’t have a problem with it to be honest. Especially if it’s something he wanted to do. Extra money is extra money, and he’s off for 8 days. Aren’t there going to be people at the hotel that are your famliy? I mean you could spend the day with them.
The day after our wedding, it was a DW for my family, DH slept in and I took my nieces to the beach. I don’t think I saw him till around 4pm. I know our situations are different, as I wasn’t going to see my family for months after the wedding.
Post # 11
You are only going to have one wedding night, and that first morning waking up together and talking/relaxing together as a newly married couple is another thing you only get one of.
You said okay at first, so if he really wants to work I think you don’t really have much ground to stand on. Just explain to him that you were wrong to say it, and see what he says.
Post # 12
I think its something you just have to deal with. Now that he’s booked he probably can’t take it off again. I know it sucks, but I always tell myself a workaholic is better than an alcoholic.
Why don’t you leave with him first thing in the morning? Then you can go home, make a nice coffee and lounge. If you’re hung over you might not even want him around.
FI is like this… I booked him off for the days around the wedding already with his secretary. Honestly, he’d want to go to work the morning of our wedding. It used to bother me alot but its something you just get used to. I like me time! Take the day to pamper yourself and relax. You’ll get him for a whole week to yourself right after.
Try to express your feelings abougt his work schedule, but know that it probably won’t change much for a while. He’s going to take this time while he’s young and energetic to save up and build a future for you. He’s taking care of you, so might as well let him right?
Post # 13
I personally don’t see the big deal. You two are leaving that night for your honeymoon, so it’s not as if you’re not going on a honeymoon and he’s working instead.
You said yourself in your first post that this particular extra shift pays more because it’s a holiday weekend. Maybe your FI sees it as easy money. Some guys are just workaholics. I’d personally much rather see that than someone that has no motivation to work,
And I don’t think you can every have too much money. Let him work these extra shifts since he’s physically able to because you never know what the future holds. God forbid something happens where he is not able to work, you guys will wish you had that extra income to fall on.
Post # 14
I think it’s a little weird that he wants to get up early the day after your wedding and go work all day. I would have said no when he initially asked. What does he do for work that it’s so great for him to work extra shifts all the time?
Post # 15
@violet25: I don’t think I’d have a problem with it. I know you have this romantic ideal in your head about spending the night in the hotel room and eating breakfast and that he doesn’t “need” to work, but I would say – ok, let’s go home after the wedding b/c we have a romantic honeymoon where I’m going to wake up every morning and have breakfast with you and we can use that extra money for (an extra excursion, a spa day, a new outfit for me to wear on the honeymoon, insert whatever you would spend it on here). I mean, if he said he wanted to pick up a shift the morning of the wedding before we all went to get ready, I’d say he was nuts – or if he wanted to cut our honeymoon short because of it. I mean, it sucks, but I don’t think I’d be terribly upset. Especially in this economy, I don’t think it’s a bad thing to pick up extra shifts at work even if you don’t “need” it.
ETA: My answer would be different if you said that he picks work over you all the time or cancels plans with you to go to work instead on a consistent basis.
Post # 16
That right there is the reason why DH and I decided to have our wedding in the winter time, so that he WOULDN’T have to work right before, during and after the wedding, and for future anniversaries. I digress… not cool in my opinion. I do agree with PP’s that you should have been upfront, but sometimes those “bad feelings” come after you’ve had more time to think about it. I would have definitely felt weird about checking out of the hotel without my DH.
I think you should sit and have a calm talk with him, again. Explain your feelings exactly as you have here. Tell him you’re getting some bad vibes from him about giving up the shift, see where he’s coming from. Hopefully you guys can come up with a compromise…