Post # 1
Hey everyone! Like others, i have been lurking for quite sometime…and finally decided to join and share my story! I am 29 and have known my bf for 7 years, been dating for about 3, and living together for a little over 1. Prior to moving in, we agreed that moving in was a step towards marriage, but did not set a timeline. I’m getting a bit anxious with the wait since we are both stable (he works, I’m in grad school but am locked in for a job this summer) and know each other pretty well. Things between us are not perfect, but are they ever? We love each other dearly. We’ve talked about it several times and the outcome is him saying he’s not ready and doesn’t know when he’ll be ready.
To add to the existing pressure of the holidays, we have had close friends get engaged recently…and while I am genuinely happy for them, it just makes me pissed at him for not being ready. I fear that my impatience/resentment puts me on edge and will eat away at our relationship.
1. Do you think I am being led on?
2. Any tips to cope?
I have set a walk date, but have not shared it with anyone except my bff. I have shared with him that I would like to continue to date when our lease ends this summer, but am not interested in renewing a lease without a ring. I also recently refused to purchase a house with him for the same reason.
Post # 2
I’d say give it until the end of your lease. Not renewing your lease is something he should be taking seriously. If he doesn’t do it by then, I’d start seriously thinking about if you’re willing to stay with him if he doesn’t propose.
My SO and I are in a similar situation- similar age, similar time together, similar time living together. My SO has told me he is not ready as well, but has recognized that getting engaged is important to me and he has said it will happen by fall of next year. Have you talking to your SO about a timeline? Does he think he will be ready in a year, two years, three years…? How long are you willing to wait?
Post # 3
Not sure if you are being led on bit some guys won’t commit. If that is what you want I say stick with your plan. I agree not to tell him your walk date. Don’t want yo pressure him but…….I would stick with what you want. I truely believe If he wanted to get married he has had enough time. I also believe some guys get everything they want and do not see the need to get married. I think your boyfriend has had enough time to make this decision. I totally agree with not renewing the lease and definately not buying a house. if you truely want to be happily married I say stick with your walk date if he has not proposed then find someone who wants what you do. He’s out there waiting for you.
Post # 4
I don’t think you’re being led on; your SO has been up front about the fact that he isn’t ready. I think you need to talk to him about the reasons he doesn’t feel ready for marriage, and then decide if you’re willing to give him the time or not.
Post # 5
I don’t know if you’re being led on or not as I do not personally know you or your SO. However, if you want to get engaged and married to this man I would not continue to date him after your lease is up without a ring. That’s like taking a step backwards and do not feel like this is the correct course of action in this situation. He won’t take you seriously if you are saying you want to get married but are willing to stay with him after you move out.
Post # 6
@MadameX you raise a very valid point that he is being up front with me.
@Dreaming42 He is not willing to agree to a timeline because he “doesn’t know”. Which I think is the most frustrating part of all of this!
Post # 7
Your plans so far are great. Not renewing the lease or buying a house with him is exactly what I would have suggested.
To answer your first question, no, I don’t think he’s leading you on. I do, however, think that’s what would end up happening if you kept living with him.
When it comes to coping, I think being honest with yourself and him is crucial, as is sticking with the plans you’ve made to not live with him. I don’t know what your walk-date is, but if you’re serious about it, stick to it. Between now and that walk-date, try to have a discussion with him about what each of you wants when it comes to proposal, engagement, and marriage; do your best to make it clear exactly what you want. You can’t control him, of course, so all you can really do is consider his answers and reactions carefully, and then decide whether you agree or are ok with what he says and does. If you are happy with what he says and does, continue the relationship; if you’re not happy with what he says and does, end the relationship. There’s no need to draw out a relationship that isn’t heading in the direction you want or need it to.
While it might be tempting to talk with him about marriage over and over again, it’s really not necessary. When it comes down to it, if you have to talk about marriage ad nauseum to get someone to give you a solid answer about if or when they will marry you, you already have all the information you need — it’s time to move on. The same goes for when they are giving you a real answer and you simply don’t like it; it’s just time to move on.
Post # 8
AlrightAlready: if he “doesn’t know” after three years then I think you have your answer.
Post # 9
I have the same problem as you, I ask for a timeline and SO is unwilling to give one in case “things get in the way” and it doesn’t happen… I can’t give bold advice as others have about leaving because I am still in my relationship after hearing that too… It’s hard when you love them and know his ultimate goal is to marry you. I hope you find solace in knowing your SO is not the only one who says he cant give a timeline 🙂
Post # 10
When I was 28 I was with someone who ‘didnt know’ and wouldn’t agree a timeline. I left. I met DH not long after really and have been with him for 3.5 years total. In that 3.5 years we got engaged, married, got a house and are TTC. I know if I hadn’t left the ex I would still be waiting for him to decide whether or not I was worth committing to. My DH knew straight away and didn’t waste time. He told me he didn’t think he was ready to settle but shortly after he started dating me he just knew he wanted to be with me. We were engaged after 1 year of dating and that was only because he was waiting to meet my parents (they live really far away abroad).
Interestingly, the ex contacted me after my wedding and said he regretted not making a decision because my wedding pictures made him feel like it should have been him.
omg I’m so so glad it wasn’t. My DH is so much the better man in absolutely every respect.
I say, if you want to be married you need to think about how long you’re willing to wait for this guy – and your 3 years to date counts as part of that…
Post # 11
Your plan is a sound one. Do NOT renew that lease! I’m not sure I’d renew it even with a ring at this point. He may well produce one just to shut you up & get you to sign the lease. He already misled you about moving in leading to marriage.
And you’re very wise not to buy a house with this guy.
I can’t say he’s intentionally leading you on, but he certainly didn’t follow through on his initial promise when you moved in.
Post # 12
AlrightAlready: I was in your shoes a while ago – after knowing each other for 7 years, dating for 4.5, and living together for 3, my then boyfriend and I had a talk about marriage. He told me he was serious about us and saw me in his future, but was not yet ready to propose and couldn’t give me a timeline. I thought long and hard and decided I would rather be unmarried and with him than married to anyone else. Plus, he is not the kind of person who would ever say things he didn’t mean, if he said he was thinking about it in the future but not yet, that’s exactly what he meant – he tends to be brutally honest and so I chose to trust him and wait. He proposed about a year and a half after that talk and we are now married. But I was ok with living together while I waited and it doesn’t seem like you are.
You know your guy better than we do – is he the type to avoid conflict at all costs? do you feel in your gut that he is dragging his feet rather than saying “I need a little more time”? give it a few months and then have a talk with him again, before the lease ends in the summer. Let him know you are thinking you may not want to renew the lease if he is still uncertain about your future. if he is unsure at that point, I would start apartment hunting.
Post # 13
I agree that he is not leading you on…leading you on would be if he was telling you he is ready just give him more time…to me it sounds like he is being very straight forward, and as much as I would like to call him an A**hole just becaue I wish he wanted what you wanted, I can’t! He is doing the right thing by telling you how he feels even though you don’t like it.
Honestly I would move on when the lease is up…and I wouldn’t agree to a hail mary proposal either. If he does do a suprise proposal to try and not lose you, I would agree to a dating timeline (not living together) to and ask him to propose again at that point if it is really what he wants. During that time you can also think about what you really want. You will hear SO many stories of women who leave the man who is dragging his feet and meet the Mr. Right within a few months!
Post # 14
Thanks so much ladies for all of the advice. I will provide an update later. I no longer feel bad for standing up for myself.
He’s a great guy but if we can’t get aligned on this (im flexible, but not if his stance is simply “I don’t know”), I’d rather start over sooner than later.
Post # 15
I think what you’re doing is perfect. You’ve let him know you won’t continue living with him after your lease is up if you are not engaged; that’s all I would say on the matter. The ball is in his court. I wouldn’t bring the issue up any more, but when the lease ends, if you don’t have your engagement, stick to your guns.
He’s not leading you on, I don’t think–he’s being honest with you by telling you that he’s not ready and doesn’t know when he will be. Take him at his word on that one.