Post # 1
I could really use some opinions on this situation. A close family member that I love dearly and help financially as well as otherways was recently very rude to me. Long storey short I was doing something to help them, when I reminded them they needed to stop by a pick something up. This person became angry, came to my house picked said thing up and peeled out of the driveway after yelling at me. Told his SO that if he wanted my continued help he would have to apologize. I was immediately accused of being manipulative? Yes I did say if you don’t say you’re sorry I will withhold money, but why would I help them if they can’t say sorry for becoming angry (which is no unusual) over something small.
Post # 3
Hmmm, I would say the statement (which you admitted saying in your post) about withholding money if you do not get an apology is kind of manipulative, and a harsh ultimatum. I am only saying THIS IF you had kindly offered to help them out financially, and they kindly accepted, which is very generous. I think when one offers their help/generosity/etc, then it should not be ‘dangled’ over the others head.
On the flip side, if they came to you asking for money, and you said ‘yes, but you can never be angry at me thereafter’, then you have a leg to stand on. I am guessing not the case?!
What you deserve an apology for is his/her behavior in that moment – peeling out of the driveway, and being angry – period. I would not throw any other argumentative into it from there.
Post # 4
First, that was rude of this person to get angry, why did they blow up like that? Just cause he had to pick something up?
Second, you’re definitely not manipulative it sounds like. This person should apologize, but maybe they’re not mature enough to see that they should. Some people have super huge egos and think everyone owes them something.
Maybe, to be the bigger person, you can just ask them why they got upset and work it out from there? That is what I ALWAYS have to do with people around me, for some reason when other people do something wrong I am always the one to have to make the first move towards peace.
Post # 5
It sounds like you went out of your way to help this person, he was a dick to you, and requiring an apology before you do anything else to help him is basic self respect.
(I don’t know what the arrangements are, and what you’re like at other times… if this person had to come over to your house to do something for you, and you made them do it right then, and you repeatedly use the promise of help and the threat of withholding it to make these people do what you want, that would be manipulative, but if it’s as you outlined above, it doesn’t sound manipulative to me.)
Him trying to make you feel bad and guilty about not helping him out again until he apologizes for being a jerk… that’s manipulative.
Post # 6
Usually withholding money, the comment you made, is kind of manipulative. But I know so little detail of this story that I feel I can’t comment on whether or not your behavior in this instance can be construed as manipulative. Or whether you were in the right with what you said.
Post # 7
@SJS21: Why did this person get upset in the first place? Was it ever explained to you? Seems like they’re the ones that are trying to manipulate you.
Post # 8
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
@SJS21: Normally withholding money in exchange for something would be considered maipluative, but I don’t think your case really is. You shouldn’t give money who can’t be bothered to show you common decency.
@OUgal0004: I think that a continued agreement to help anyone includes an unspoken rule that the person must continue to deserve it/be nice to the person who is helping him.
Post # 9
@SJS21: Fastest way to figure out if you’re in the wrong is to place yourself in the other persons shoes. If you were being helped out by a person and they spoke to and treated you the way you are treating these friends how would you feel? You really have to be objective and look for the clues as to why they would start blowing up or calling you manipulative. If you can’t find anything you’re golden and they suck. If you find something that you keep trying to rationalize from your own perspective that’s what you work on.