Weddingbee boards

I found out that my SO likes (and tends) to watch porn (alone) before we have sex. I don’t know if he’s actually "scheduling" his porn watching right before our sex happens or if he just happened to watch porn and got turned on so he initiated. Either way…should I feel insecure/ uncomfortable/ bothered by this? Or am I just making a big deal out of something small.

I have a wayyyyyyy higher drive than he does and now since I’ve been unemployed (not by choice) with tons of free time on my hand, I can be in the mood almost any time. So I don’t understand why someone can’t be turned on by their partner alone- like am I not sexy enough? SO has a much lower drive and is an ambitious, over achiever workaholic. He has a very demanding job which he LOVES and does not wish to change that.

He refuses to “watch together” so that is not an option. I admit that many times if he has watched porn before sex, he does perform better (longer sex, better and more foreplay). I’m just wondering if this is something to worry about. Does “where” he gets his appetite from matter? Am I not sexy enough?

PS. Little background , we've been together for 3 years but "active" for a bit less than 2 years. We waited till we got married so his low libido was a big surprise for me...

no! I don't think you're being too sensitive! If it  makes you uncomfortable, it makes you uncomfortable. You need to talk to him and let him know how it makes you feel and come up with a solution.

I kind of had a similar issue. I don't like my FI looking at porn behind my back and it makes me EXTREMELY sensitive (same as you, I felt like I wasn't sexy enough for him). I talked to him about it and he completely stopped looking. He was only looking vary rarely (once every two weeks or so) but it still made me really uncomfortable.

If it's something that bugs you, just discuss it with him. If he can't give it up or work on a solution  then that might be a sign of a bigger problem or an addiction, in my opinion. There are some girls who say "all men look at porn" but that's BS.

I don't think you are being oversensitive, but I do think you and he should talk more deeply about how this makes you feel.  If watching porn helps him get in the mood, I don't think there is anything wrong with that.  But if his watching porn affects your relationship or makes you feel badly about yourself, then he needs to know that and the two of you need to figure out a way for you to both have a satifying sex life.  Open, honest, non-emotional communication is key (and easier said than done).

You asked "does where he get his appetite from matter?" and I say - it matters exactly as much as it matters to you.  That's the only scale for these things.  Does it make you feel bad?  Does it hurt your intimate life?  Does it decrease emotional intimacy?  Etc etc. 

One thing I would suggest, though, is to find out what sort of stuff turns him on.  Many guys are really visual, which explains part of the appeal of porn, and who knows, he might be reluctant to ask you to do something that turns him on.  I mean, like wear something specific, or behave more or less aggressively, something like that. 

And - my SO and I have been together for 6.5 years, active for 5.5, and we're still adjusting and figuring out this intimacy stuff together.  I think it's normal!

@HoneyBear and @Emshaw, when we first moved in together I got pissed off from his porn watching. Not from moral reasons but from the fact that "Hey I want some but you're helping yourself?". We talked and came to a middle ground; he promised to watch less but honestly I can't control him 24/7 so I won't hound on him to see if he's been watching or not. He also promised to "take better care of my needs".

If he had things his way we'd probably only have sex 3 times a month and he'd help himself maybe another 3-5 times a month. Basically I asked him not to masturbate and come to me instead so I don't know if this is the result of that.

Thank goodness he doesnt watch it DURING sex and he doesnt ask me to do crazy things. I'm just curious, I heard some couples seem to be able to enjoy porn as a turn on so I wonder if that actually is healthy?

Oh and I have to speak on his behalf, he watches porn very discretely. Not like it's played on the TV in our bedroom while we do it. The only reason I found he watches porn before sex is that while we were the "straightening up and cleaning" afterwards I happened to see it open on his laptop.

Thanks for the advice and kind words!

Well to be honest, we have spoken quite a bit of sex, needs and porn. The problem started of as I wasnt getting enough but at the same time SO was helping himself instead of taking care of me. Many many talks followed and my SO should understand by now that I'm pissed because he's not coming to me for sex.

I was insecure at first because I assumed he was aroused by other girls and helping himself to them but he explained many times that the stimuli was not the "hot chick" but rather seeing people "in action" and enjoying it.

If I hadn't known that he was getting some of his appetite from porn I might have been happy by now since our sex life has improved (slowly) but I happen to know and now I'm bothered. :S

@cannotwait, so far we both have been trying to meet in the middle.

How do I know if he's willing to change or not? Let's once I voice my discovery he just makes sure he hides his porn...I guess I'm wondering how can I tell if he really wants to change or he will just say something to make me feel better? Do I monitor him (he'd hate that)?

I wonder how I would respond if he said he can cut the porn turn on but we also have to decrease the sex to match his libido...

He sounds lazy!  I'm so confused, I have never known any guy who would rather please himself vs have sex with a willling participant!  To me this is a big red flag, you need to figure out what's going on.

@3M, from our past discussions, I think he would be happiest if I could take "no" for an answer and not give him  hard time. But I have my needs so he agreed to try harder to keep up with mine.  I don't know id that is exactly why the need of a stimuli comes in...He's just never been that guy that can be turned on right here right now.

I was worried he was addicted but he doesnt watch it that often-just that I happen to notice he watched it before we had sex...It's kind of hard for me to approach him about it without insulting/embarassing him...

@redbull, yep he's just not that active...even when me "helps himself" it's not all that often (he once told me that when he was living alone he'd help himself 1-2 times a week and that was like over 5 years ago when he was still young and "charged" it must have decreased by now). I might be the only one on this board that has an SO with a much lower libido!

@cannotwait, I appluad that when your hubs told you he stopped, you believed him with no doubt. I have dated a lot of liars in the past and I personally have issues of trust and having to be in control- which I am trying to work on. I'm guessing even if your hubs made a few mistakes -let's say he watched porn behind your back you wouldn't go try to find it but you'd forgive him and assume he won't in the future. Unfortunately I'm not like that yet. It's not really fair to my SO that I have distrust issued that he didn't cause.

I am definitly doing a boudouir one day maybe for a big anniversary but whether he uses it or still uses porn to get turned on, I hope by that time I won't have any doubts to find out. BUT if he's going to help himself or needs to use my pics to be turned on I don't know if I would feel any better- I'd prefer for him to come straight to me instead!

@3M, I think his work hours and stress is a huge libido killer. But he really loves his job and I don't want to be all "it's the job or me!" yet. I envy that he has found something that inspires him so much.

His low libido is not a new issue, I don't know why I'm whining now, when we first started dating I once asked him from his past relationships how "often" was the craziest week of his life. His answer was 3-4 times a week(you've got to be kidding me!) and that was this one week he was on vacation with his ex...that small number didn't matter to me then but now it does...Maybe I've changed, when I was younger I had many relationships that were sexless (and some were sexual) and was never a problem. Maybe I've become shallow?? :(

I don't think you're being over-sensitive at all. Your feelings matter. Also, this could become a problem. I don't want to scare you, but I've heard that men can get so hooked on the unnaturally large-breasted, etc. women in porn movies that they lose the ability to get turned on by normal-looking women.  

In the interest of full disclosure, I might add that I think that porn is ethically wrong because it objectifies and dehumanizes women-- the only interest these large-breasted women have is satisfying the desires of ugly/normal-looking men; the only "use" for women in these movies is to be sexual tools for the men. Plus, many pornos become violent, making violence against women "sexual." My fiance has admitted that he watched porn when he was single, but he understands my feelings about it and understands that I don't want to be with anyone who watches it. And it isn't that I'm a "prude" or anything... Someone close to me became a porn addict at one point, and I now have very strong feelings about it.

Anyway, you may want to keep in mind that your extra free time in addition to the fact that you currently don't have a job to make you feel "too tired" might be affecting your perspective of your man's libido... Your man may have a higher libido than you think, but it may be difficult for him to initiate sex. Or he could be having erectile disfunction problems and may be trying to solve his problems on his own. There might be something he's too embarrassed to tell you about. Maybe you should try to open up a nonjudgmental conversation with him to express how his porn-watching and apparent disinterest make you feel, and ask if there's anything he wants to talk to you about... 

Yeah I agee he shouldnt have to watch it before EVERY time you guys do it. Sex is very intamate between two people. Not two + the couple (or whoever) in the video. It would bother me too. I dont think you guy is a bad guy or that he doesnt love you but hes just that. A guy. I once caught my guy "Helping himself" when I was about 6 months pregnant and that hurt like no other. But guys will be guys. We talked about it and now I'm really comfotable with the sexual side of our relationship.

   Talk to him. Tell him as a man you understand how natural it is for him to get turned on by that but as a woman he needs to know how natural it is for you to feel insecure about it. Good luck and stay strong!