Post # 1
My daughter’s big day is August 5/12. Her Future Mother-In-Law sent out e-invitations for the rehearsal dinner yesterday. I responded and said I’d love to help out in any way I can and I would call her. She told my daughter she’d appreciate if I could bring a vegetable tray, fruit tray, greek salad and a cheese tray. They’re having a barbeque. Nothing too fancy. Costco trays will be fine. I’m thinking no problem, it will take no effort from me. All I have to do is walk into Costco and pay for the trays. I was thinking wow, she’s got a lot of people to feed and I’d like to help her out.
Today I spoke with my daughter and asked who’s invited to the rehearsel dinner to find out they’ve only invited some members of my family, my mother, 2 of my sisters (her aunts) and their respective husbands, not my brother, S-I-L, niece, my other sister, B-I-L, niece and yet they’ve invited every member of the grooms extended family including cousins. I questioned her and she said most are from out of town and she didn’t think my sister, her aunt, would want to drive that far twice (1 hour drive) and that my brother’s wife would be too busy doing the flowers (she’s the florist doing it for free as a wedding gift).
I feel as though the groom’s family is making the rehearsel dinner into a family reunion. They’ll be 8 members of my family, 10 members of the bridal party and the rest his extended family, 30+ more.
Is this normal? Future M-I-L has been talking about doing the rehearsal dinner at her house since the engagement was announced. Am I being super sensitive?
Post # 3
No, that’s not normal. I don’t think you’re being super sensitive. Have you talked to your daughter about it?
Post # 4
That’s not normal. Rehearsal dinners are usually for people standing up in the wedding (and spouses/partners) as a thank you for coming out and practicing.
It shouldn’t be for every single person they know.
Post # 5
It’s not normal, but I guess I don’t see the harm in it? Maybe if there are certain people you want invited, you could just ask if they mind if they attend too?
Post # 6
I don’t understand the rehearsal dinners now-a-days. When I got married way back in 1994 to my first husband the rehearsal dinner was to feed just the people who were participating in the wedding because they had to rehearse the ceremony. Now it seems they are getting as big as the wedding itself. I’m not having a rehearsal dinner this time around.
I do not think you are being over sensitive if your family is not being equally numbered. Was the wedding numbers fairly equal?
Post # 7
Another MOB here. My daughters wedding was this past weekend. The rehearsal dinner isn’t what it was when we got married. Now all the out of town family is included. Usually if in town they are not ,but can be included if included in the guest list provided by the bride. did she provide a list of those she also wants invited. A young bride might not speak up. If you feel some family has been slighted then ask her to ask to have them included. I doubt any of it is intentional so try not to let it get to you. Things have changed so much I don’t think anyone really knows what is done anymore. Hope all goes well!
Post # 8
I think that the other members of your immediate family should have been extended an invitation so that they can decide whether or not they’d like to attend. As far as I know, the rehearsal dinner is to include local and out of town family and the wedding party, so as the host she should have known to expand the guest list.
I wouldn’t take this personally, and I wouldn’t accuse your daughter’s Future Mother-In-Law of turning the rehearsal dinner into a family reunion, but I think that if you or your daughter can explain that her aunts and uncles should be included as well then she should be happy to send an invitation.
Post # 9
I am not sure if I understood you correctly. You said
“I questioned her and she said most are from out of town and she didn’t think my sister, her aunt, would want to drive that far twice (1 hour drive) and that my brother’s wife would be too busy doing the flowers (she’s the florist doing it for free as a wedding gift).”
It sounds to me like you are referencing your daughter when you say “she”. If so, the FMIlL may have been taking direction from your daughter re who to invite.
As the FIL’s are hosting they decide who is invited. There have been many posts where FIL’s invite all of ther family, even all of the OOT’s
Post # 10
Yes, I guess I am more upset that my daughter would think it’s okay. I’m not mad at the future M-I-L. She’s inviting their family members because they are family.
When I spoke to my daughter she was at work and really couldn’t talk and was quite irritated by my comments. I’m going to let it go. It’s too close to the wedding and we’re all getting stressed out. I’ll tell my other siblings that future in-laws had a spur of the moment barbeque. That’s all.
Thanks for your input. It’s hard to keep things in perspective at times.
Post # 11
That’s odd.. our rehearsal dinner is only for those that are rehearsing! Your daughter might not have provided their names, though… I’d just ask the Future Mother-In-Law to include a list of your relatives. I wouldn’t put your daughter in the middle of it by asking her Future Mother-In-Law, honestly. Just innocently ask to “confirm that XXX gave you all of these out of town relatives as well? They haven’t received the evite yet” The worst she can say is no, sorry, we don’t have the space.
Post # 12
While I understand your point of view in wanting “equal dibs” to the rehearsal dinner between your family and theirs it isn’t up to you to host or invite the guests as you stated the groom’s parents are in charge. Yes you are helping with some of the side dishes but that doesn’t entitle you to any say in the event, similar to giving money towards the wedding doesn’t mean you immediately get a say in the flowers, invites, linens etc.
For our rehearsal dinner my family drove 12+ hours to attend the wedding versus 1.5 hours for his family. As my family is smaller and very close (aunts/uncles/cousins) this meant in the end our rehearsal dinner was dominated by my family. We paid for the food and the overnight stay at our venue (it was a mansion) and so we had the final say in who was coming. My Darling Husband understood the logistics and no one gave us a hard time about the equal ratio between the families and their attendance at the Rehearsal Dinner.
I wouldn’t make an issue out of it and just enjoy these moments before your daughter gets married.
Post # 13
Yeah, I agree with what you’re saying to a point. I just felt bad because some of my family members are not invited and they will find out. Someone will say something in passing unintentionally. Like I said earlier, I’ll just tell them that it was a spur of the moment kind of thing.
I’ll go there and socialize with my future son-in-laws relatives. I haven’t met most of them so it should be nice.
Post # 14
It’s common how for out of town guests who are staying overnight to be invited. It sounds like that wouldn’t apply to a lot of your family. I used pretty much this exact thought process when making our rehearsal dinner guest list.