Am I being paranoid about FMIL?

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1613 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@anonybee2015:  Sadly, now you see why your FI has a bad relationship with your FMIL.

I would tell him about it, discuss how you are feeling because he IS your FI and you being upfront with him does not allow MIL to talk to him “first” to spin things her way.

She wants a reaction out of you. Don’t give her one but talk to your FI.

Regardless you two will be married and you will be a part of the family.l

Post # 5
Member
1362 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

Maybe I’m a snob, but if I have been with FI for that long, and we were ENGAGED, I would be horribly offended if I wasn’t extended an invitation with my FI.  That is super rude.  

 

I’d be more p*ssed than paranoid about FMIL’s “winky” face.  But definitely don’t give her the satisfaction of a response.  I would tell FI how it makes you feel.  And let him handle it – or not.  It may be best to ignore her completely.  Sometimes, not acknowledging these people is better than giving them the satisfaction of a response.

 

Post # 6
Member
722 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@anonybee2015:  I think the truth lies somewhere in the middle…perhaps FMIL is feeling a bit threatened that you are taking her place (cue Freud), but she may also just be unaware of the way she is coming off.

Gotta say…I find the “oops sorry, wrong person text” to be very difficult to believe these days. Kinda like the oldest trick in the cell phone book (omg the pun – I died, I’m sorry) – that said, it is possible that it really was an accident. 

My advice would be to bring it up to your FI if it is really bothering you, but try to just ignore her, as hard as it may be.

If she is aware of the way she is coming off, then she is baiting you and the worst thing you could do would be to take the bait. If she’s just unaware, bringing it up could create unnecessary drama. However – if it continues and becomes clear that is intentional, then you may want to consider having a conversation. Best of luck to you!

Post # 8
Member
935 posts
Busy bee

I dont think you are paranoid. the inclusion of the wink face just makes it appear as if she purposefully sent you that text just out of spite to rub it in. However, she is still ur FI mother and there has to be a level of respect there.. with that said you are grown too so she needs to cut the bull (sorry to blunt). Talk to your FI because after all he knows her better, however, if it continues, go to her alone woman to woman and just initiate a conversation about her feelings toward your relationship with her son and allow her to be honest. but prepare yourself for ANYTHING that could come out of her mouth. good luck

Post # 9
Member
722 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@anonybee2015:  Yes, his theories sure do ring true (I need to be put on time out for the puns, haha). Anyway, I’ve been in similar situations and it’s incredibly frustrating but when I have attempted to intervene and say something, it usually ends up backfiring. That said – you definitely should not have to feel like a push over. I say play it by ear and hope for the best. In the meantime, enjoy the planning and try to keep your chin up! 

Post # 10
Member
1349 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@anonybee2015:  I would not give her the satisfaction of a reaction.  I’d work with your FI to be a consistent team and let him handle her.  Make sure you both are comfortable with how to deal with it and on the same page.  Hugs to you!

Post # 11
Member
4760 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@anonybee2015:  Glad your FI said he is not going on the “mandatory” vacation.  That’s whack! He should do the same with the wedding.  Yes I think you should show FI the text.  He may not know the extent of their heineous treatment.  

IF this was me and FI went to that wedding, I’d seriously have second thoughts about the relationship.  You cannot marry a man that puts family that blatently disses and disrespects you ahead of you.

So sorry, this situation sucks big time. 

Post # 12
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’d be angrier that I wasn’t invited to the cousin’s wedding. Engaged couples should always be treatd as a social unit and invited together! If they couldn’t afford to invite the spouses or fiancees of their cousins, then they couldn’t afford to invite their cousins.

As for his mother, she sounds petty and difficult, so I’d ignore her entirely. Tell your fiance about her bad behavior. Show him the obnoxious texts and ask his opinion because he knows her best, and let him handle it. Do NOT talk about it with her or confront her in any way. If she sees that her bad behavior only drives a wedge between her and her son, and it does not get her the attention and drama she seems to crave with you, it may stop. 

You’re in a good position because your fiancé knows his mother is difficult. And he stands up to her. For example, he reused the “gift” that would have cost you two so much money. Smart man!

Post # 13
Member
84 posts
Worker bee

Sorry about the “mind games” that your FMIL seems to put you in. However, in this point I’m afraid that you will loose no matter how you play it.

If you tell your FI and he’s talking to her about how it made you feel she will be all “omg, I’m so horrified and embarrassed about that misstake, I’m so sorry she feels like that and it was absolutely not my intentions” and then you end up being the “touchy” girl that is so easily offended.

If you don’t say anything, you’re kind of giving her a pass for trying to rubb it in your face and she will most probably throw some more and larger eggs your way. 

Try to just calm down and be open minded for it to be an honest mistake or a intentional thorn in your side. Wait for her next move, if it was intentional then she will probably do some more crap and you can call her out about it then but if it was an honest mistake nothing else will happen and you will be glad that you did not stir up any bad blood between the two of you. 

It MIGHT be that you’re feeling so hurt by not being invited that you’re now a little bit extra “touchy” about things that are being said or done and therefore interprets everything negatively if possible.  

Post # 14
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

Ah, so your future mother-in-law is a bitch. That’s pretty obvious to me.

The thing that gets me is that you’ve been engaged for 6 months and you’ve been left out of his cousin’s wedding? I don’t think so. At the very least, this couple should’ve called him and explained the situation. While you can get away with not inviting girlfriends and boyfriends (and depending on how up-to-speed the person is on etiquette, sometimes live-in partners, though even I frown on that), careful steps need to be taken when omitting someone’s fiance.

What did your fiance have to say about that whole thing? Had that happened in my family – without a fair explanation from the people getting married – I would’ve declined the invitation.

Of course your future mother-in-law is delighting in this – by purposely including little smiley faces just to make sure you understand her barb. And right now – she is winning. Other people take actions to exclude you from this family, and so far, it appears that your fiance is following along.

We don’t have all of the details on this situation – only you do – but this situation is concerning because to me, it sounds like your fiance hasn’t firmly developed a backbone. He refused his mom’s invitation for that ‘mandatory’ vacation, which is at the least a positive move – but are gestures like that infrequent? Does he frequently cave to her demands to keep her complacent?

As others are saying, ignore the FMIL where you can. If she ever says some of these things in front of others, you can always do the clueless challenge. How does one do the clueless challenge, you ask? She says something – we’ll figure something passive-aggressive. You respond:

“I’m sorry, what do you mean by that?”

Then we see if she has the bravery to repeat her statement. Maybe she’s dense to what she says and she repeats it flawlessly (something difficult for bullies to do when called out on their behavior in the moment). Maybe she hesitates and changes her words – which indicates she knows she’s been caught.

If you feel it’s worth it, you could always pull the ol’, “I’m sure you don’t mean it that way, but when you say x, I feel hurt because…”

 

Post # 15
Member
7195 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@anonybee2015:  OK, I’m probably fairly close to your FMIL’s age. I think a mistake is entirely possible. And if I made the mistake, I’d probably apologise with a “smiley”. Don’t assume people FMIL’s age understand technology and smileys in the same way as you do.

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