Am I being paranoid over FI's close friend who's a woman?

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Am I being crazy/paranoid or is there something to watch out for?
    You are crazy paranoid. : (13 votes)
    18 %
    Watch out for this chick, there might be something going on, on her side. : (21 votes)
    30 %
    Watch out for FI and this chick, there might be something going on on BOTH sides. : (37 votes)
    52 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    2565 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    Would you feel this way if it was a male friend talking to him about relationship problems and looking for advice?

    Post # 3
    Member
    5032 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2012

    I don’t think you have anything to worry about. . my DH has a friend like that.  She’s a complete wreck and basically needs her hand held thru life.

    The wrong name thing would bother me, I can’t deny that.

    What would you like him to do?  Do you want him to stop talking to her?  I would jokingly tell him that he needs to start charging her for all this therapy.   

     

    Post # 4
    Member
    308 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    iheartpeonies:  I would still keep a close eye on things but don’t get too paranoid. You have only been living together for two weeks and so far it sounds like he has been very open and hasn’t been on the defense about any of this. But because you have been cheated on before I can completely understand your concerns. My FI has a girl friend that I am not fond of either but I know I can trust him, granted he does not take it to the extent of your FI but I think as long as you have open communication and you set those boundaries and make them clear and he is continuing to be honest then just relax a little. <br /><br />

    Give it some more time, focus on your relationship with him and the new living situation and try to make the most of this new life you have.

    Post # 5
    Member
    716 posts
    Busy bee

    I’m actually going to disagree with the views expressed so far. 

    I have seen many threads like this and the majority opinion is that men and women are allowed to have friends of the opposite gender. 

    I didn’t quite put my finger on how to say this until I attended precana.  They teach that your love for your FI is supposed to be free, total, faithful, and fruitful.  The problem with having one-on-one meets up and conversations with another woman is that your FI isn’t showing you total love, because he is sharing his time and whatever he is saying in these conversations with another female that is not you.

    Clearly it is bothering you and with good reason.  I don’t think you need to feel paranoid or jealous, I think it is your FI who needs to understand what is and isn’t appropriate now that you are a committed couple.

    Post # 6
    Member
    2661 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I tend to agree with jamb.  I think close relationships with members of the opposite sex really are not appropriate for married couples.

    Post # 7
    Member
    2203 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    pixiecat:  +1 This.

    OP, if you don’t like it because she’s a woman…  You’re being paranoid.  If you don’t like it because he should be spending more time with you, that’s another matter entirely, justified or not.

    Post # 8
    Member
    528 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    iheartpeonies:  ALSO AGREE WITH JAMB!

     

    Listen, I went through almost this exact scenario.  My (now DH) had a “friend” like this…he avoided thanksgiving at my parents house to have it at hers, she baked him cookies on valentines day, said she had a present for me but INSISTED that she give it to him to give to me, asked him to helped her move furniture in her house (and she still had a boyfriend)…I could go on. She was the absolute worst.  To add to it, my (then BF) kept talking to her about our issues! I tried to level with her one day and say “Hey the stuff you do with my BF bothers me, can you stop?” and she cried and pretended to be sweet and like we were going to be best friends….until the next day when she started talking about it with my guy and saying what an insecure person I am. 

     

    I am CONVINCED she tried to break us up.  We were on the verge of breaking up, and we had a vacation planned. We spent 7 days doing nothing but re-connecting and having long talks and he FINALLY got how we have to be a team, the strongest team and everyone else comes after. I also told him stories of how she would say things to me and then he admitted she shit-talked me a lot behind my back.  We both started pishing her out of our lives and we havent spoken to her in 2 years…and we’ve been married a year.

     

    Get rid of the b*tch any way you can.

    Post # 9
    Member
    6525 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2013

    iheartpeonies:  I’m sorry- please don’t take this the wrong way, Paragraphs- please use them 🙂 I mean that in the nicest way possible. Its easier on the eyes. 

    I am on your side with this one. Its great that you trust your DH and trust there is nothing romantic going on. However, regardless of whether B is a female or male, there are boundaries. When you are home from work, his attention should be all on you, not texting, answering calls during dinner to talk about her problems. 

    I have been with DH for 11 years, (married for 1 and dating for 10) and he made friends with someone he worked with (we were together for 3 years at this point). We were young at the time and he was working at a restaurant and after the shift was over the staff would all go and get a few drinks. DH got close with this one girl who he still friends with til this day, and he would sleep over her house! At the time DH thought I was just being jealous when I wasn’t, it was about respecting boundaries. if you are too drunk to go home, you take a cab. We fought over this for the longest time, eventually he started to see why I was so upset. 

    Now, they talk maybe once a month? ANd go out to dinner to catch up on birthdays, or some random day which could be once a year? twice a year? 

    So I get it. Its frustrating to have your FI constantly talking to a friend, and a female friend. I would feel like why should she get as much attention as you? 

    Post # 10
    Member
    2704 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 2015

    iheartpeonies:  I don’t think you’re paranoid at all. If my FI were doing that I would not be OK with it. To me, that much talking/texting/alone time is inappropriate. I would bring up your feelings to your FI, I’m sure he wouldn’t want you to be upset, your happiness should be put ahead of his friends, male or female.

    Post # 11
    Member
    8701 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    Would you feel the same if this friend was male?

     

     

    Do you trust your husband? If you do, then it shouldn’t matter if a woman is talking to him one-on-one or stripping naked and throwing herself at him. If he’s trustworthy, then he’d be able to shut down any temptation.

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    Post # 12
    Member
    8009 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2015

    Apple_Blossom:  well that’s a bit ridiculous- it’s exactly because she’s a woman and he’s a straight man. That’s what propriety and boundaries are all about- safegaurding the relationship from trouble out of respect to your partner. OPs FI is not going to slide into an affair with a guy friend. This girl? Stranger things have happened.

    OP Its not appropriate for them to be so close and especially if it makes you uncomfortable. I don’t think you’re being paranoid at all, or more accurately I think you have every reason to be- making jealous comments, bringing her up often, messing up names? That sounds to me like he’s on his way to developing feelings for her and the intimacy level between them is inappropriate. She’s on his mind.

    Tell him how it makes you feel and say you want some boundaries set, and more distance between them. See who’s feelings he jumps to protect- Hers or yours. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    2782 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    iheartpeonies:  The part I’d be pissed about– him calling you by her name.

     

    I guess I’d also be slightly annoyed that he HAD to pick the phone up while you were having dinner– couldn’t he have let it go to voicemail, and then called her back?  It’s all about priorities– and you should be the priority- even if she is having relationship issues.

    It’s strange, because you don’t want to move with someone and all the sudden start changing thier lives completely.  On the same token- I’d be frustrated if my husband was constantly on the phone with another woman- or even another person, I guess- if it was truly that frequent- just coaching them through something.  Some people go through hard times- and I am understanding of that.  But it seems like this has been going on much longer with B.

     

    Talk to  him about it- but don’t attack.  Don’t force him to do anything, but explain how it makes you feel, and see how he responds.

     

    Post # 14
    Member
    1424 posts
    Bumble bee

    Being married really is about your partner being your best friend, “forsaking all others”. I feel like the ease of communication these days has made it too easy to cross lines and be involved in relationships with others that are crossing the line and are providing emotional intimacy levels that are inappropriate with someone other than your spouse or SO. Its so easy now to send texts when in the past you would have had to call the house phone or meet up which made it easier to avoid crossing lines. Maybe there is really nothing here other than a priority problem, he isn’t really sharing himself and his feelings in a way that should be left for you but for me, I can’t imagine my SO talking on the phone with some other woman multiple times/week, going to lunch and coffee, spending evenings texting her. He doesn’t have time for that because he has other priorities, including me. 

    The hard part here really is what can you do about it? This might sound silly but when I think about each of these kinds of situations I think of my Dad growing up. I ask myself or might ask SO to imagine his Dad taking calls from another woman during dinner, texting her all evening, meeting her for coffee and lunch.

     

    Post # 15
    Member
    99 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    I am with @jamb all the way on this one! If he doesn’t implement some boundaries and soon there will be problems.  If another woman or man for that matter has the same access to your FI as you do that’s a problem.  Before you moved in he still should’ve had boundaries in place for this chick. I would not tolerate that. if you accept it now it will continue on into your marriage. You have to make people respect your relationship if they don’t have enough common sense to do it on their own!

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