Post # 1
Ok bees, need some advice. Sorry this is long. My FI have been together almost 3 years. He proposed about 3 months ago and I was soooo happy that we’do be spending our lives together!! Still am on the engagement high!! Anyways, FI has a friend who’s a woman, let’s call her B, that he’s known for about 6 years. For 4 of those 6 years, B was in a long term relationship, but B’s bf cheated on her and they broke up. My FI (then SO) helped her move out, talked her through a lot of it, had dinners/lunches/coffee alone with her, which I was fine with. I had met her twice (while she was still with her ex-BF) And they had been friends before me. Also, FI and I were not living together yet, so maybe I was unaware of how much they talked/texted. The last year, B’s had a lot of men/relationship problems and she goes to my FI for advice and get his opinion on everything. I’ve definitely noticed over the last 6 months that he’s been bringing her up more and more, so I have been keeping an eye out for her. Also, I know they text and use gchat a lot. He’s recently called me by her name once, and I immediately corrected him. Also, when B started dating someone new (right before FI and I got engaged), my FI made a comment that to me seemed like he was jealous. I told him he had no right to say that unless he himself was dating her. Anyways, FI and I moved in together about 2 wks ago, and I’ve noticed him texting while home a lot. He always says it’s cuz she wants a man’s opinion. The thing that finally got me is that two nights ago, B called to talk to FI while we were having dinner. He picked it up and asked if he could call her back in an hour in a rushed voice. This is when I realized, I know they talk a lot, but HOW close are they? I don’t know how often he talked to her while he was living alone, maybe she thinks calling during dinner time is normal? Later that night, I asked him about it. He said they talk/text/chat a 3-4 times a week, could be throughout the day sometimes on text/gchat. I asked if she realizes that now we are engaged and living together so does she realize the boundaries will change, since before he could’ve talked to her and I wouldn’t care cuz I wouldn’t be there? I told him i don’t think there is any thing romantic going on, but I felt like she’s using him as a crutch. I don’t want her to get emotionally attached and he will drop things to talk out her relationship problems or go have dinner with her. He isn’t her therapist!! Doesn’t she have any other guy friends she can complain to? I guess I don’t want her to be relying on my FI all the time to talk things out. He of course defended her and said she’s been going through a tough time and this new guy sucks blah blah. I asked if he knew where the boundary was, and he said yes. I trust him. But if he’s always been there and caused her to learn to rely on him, that’s the problem. He may be too nice and niave!!! So, am I being crazy paranoid, is is there something there that I should watch out for? Also, I have been cheated in before, so I have learned to speak up and say what’s on my mind. I also know it’s better to nip things in the bud than to make up excuses in my head to explain to myself what’s happening. So please ladies, honest opinions!!!
Post # 2
Would you feel this way if it was a male friend talking to him about relationship problems and looking for advice?
Post # 3
I don’t think you have anything to worry about. . my DH has a friend like that. She’s a complete wreck and basically needs her hand held thru life.
The wrong name thing would bother me, I can’t deny that.
What would you like him to do? Do you want him to stop talking to her? I would jokingly tell him that he needs to start charging her for all this therapy.
Post # 4
iheartpeonies: I would still keep a close eye on things but don’t get too paranoid. You have only been living together for two weeks and so far it sounds like he has been very open and hasn’t been on the defense about any of this. But because you have been cheated on before I can completely understand your concerns. My FI has a girl friend that I am not fond of either but I know I can trust him, granted he does not take it to the extent of your FI but I think as long as you have open communication and you set those boundaries and make them clear and he is continuing to be honest then just relax a little. <br /><br />
Give it some more time, focus on your relationship with him and the new living situation and try to make the most of this new life you have.
Post # 5
I’m actually going to disagree with the views expressed so far.
I have seen many threads like this and the majority opinion is that men and women are allowed to have friends of the opposite gender.
I didn’t quite put my finger on how to say this until I attended precana. They teach that your love for your FI is supposed to be free, total, faithful, and fruitful. The problem with having one-on-one meets up and conversations with another woman is that your FI isn’t showing you total love, because he is sharing his time and whatever he is saying in these conversations with another female that is not you.
Clearly it is bothering you and with good reason. I don’t think you need to feel paranoid or jealous, I think it is your FI who needs to understand what is and isn’t appropriate now that you are a committed couple.
Post # 6
I tend to agree with jamb. I think close relationships with members of the opposite sex really are not appropriate for married couples.
Post # 7
pixiecat: +1 This.
OP, if you don’t like it because she’s a woman… You’re being paranoid. If you don’t like it because he should be spending more time with you, that’s another matter entirely, justified or not.
Post # 8
iheartpeonies: ALSO AGREE WITH JAMB!
Listen, I went through almost this exact scenario. My (now DH) had a “friend” like this…he avoided thanksgiving at my parents house to have it at hers, she baked him cookies on valentines day, said she had a present for me but INSISTED that she give it to him to give to me, asked him to helped her move furniture in her house (and she still had a boyfriend)…I could go on. She was the absolute worst. To add to it, my (then BF) kept talking to her about our issues! I tried to level with her one day and say “Hey the stuff you do with my BF bothers me, can you stop?” and she cried and pretended to be sweet and like we were going to be best friends….until the next day when she started talking about it with my guy and saying what an insecure person I am.
I am CONVINCED she tried to break us up. We were on the verge of breaking up, and we had a vacation planned. We spent 7 days doing nothing but re-connecting and having long talks and he FINALLY got how we have to be a team, the strongest team and everyone else comes after. I also told him stories of how she would say things to me and then he admitted she shit-talked me a lot behind my back. We both started pishing her out of our lives and we havent spoken to her in 2 years…and we’ve been married a year.
Get rid of the b*tch any way you can.
Post # 9
iheartpeonies: I’m sorry- please don’t take this the wrong way, Paragraphs- please use them 🙂 I mean that in the nicest way possible. Its easier on the eyes.
I am on your side with this one. Its great that you trust your DH and trust there is nothing romantic going on. However, regardless of whether B is a female or male, there are boundaries. When you are home from work, his attention should be all on you, not texting, answering calls during dinner to talk about her problems.
I have been with DH for 11 years, (married for 1 and dating for 10) and he made friends with someone he worked with (we were together for 3 years at this point). We were young at the time and he was working at a restaurant and after the shift was over the staff would all go and get a few drinks. DH got close with this one girl who he still friends with til this day, and he would sleep over her house! At the time DH thought I was just being jealous when I wasn’t, it was about respecting boundaries. if you are too drunk to go home, you take a cab. We fought over this for the longest time, eventually he started to see why I was so upset.
Now, they talk maybe once a month? ANd go out to dinner to catch up on birthdays, or some random day which could be once a year? twice a year?
So I get it. Its frustrating to have your FI constantly talking to a friend, and a female friend. I would feel like why should she get as much attention as you?
Post # 10
iheartpeonies: I don’t think you’re paranoid at all. If my FI were doing that I would not be OK with it. To me, that much talking/texting/alone time is inappropriate. I would bring up your feelings to your FI, I’m sure he wouldn’t want you to be upset, your happiness should be put ahead of his friends, male or female.
Post # 11
Would you feel the same if this friend was male?
Do you trust your husband? If you do, then it shouldn’t matter if a woman is talking to him one-on-one or stripping naked and throwing herself at him. If he’s trustworthy, then he’d be able to shut down any temptation.
Post # 12
Apple_Blossom: well that’s a bit ridiculous- it’s exactly because she’s a woman and he’s a straight man. That’s what propriety and boundaries are all about- safegaurding the relationship from trouble out of respect to your partner. OPs FI is not going to slide into an affair with a guy friend. This girl? Stranger things have happened.
OP Its not appropriate for them to be so close and especially if it makes you uncomfortable. I don’t think you’re being paranoid at all, or more accurately I think you have every reason to be- making jealous comments, bringing her up often, messing up names? That sounds to me like he’s on his way to developing feelings for her and the intimacy level between them is inappropriate. She’s on his mind.
Tell him how it makes you feel and say you want some boundaries set, and more distance between them. See who’s feelings he jumps to protect- Hers or yours.
Post # 13
iheartpeonies: The part I’d be pissed about– him calling you by her name.
I guess I’d also be slightly annoyed that he HAD to pick the phone up while you were having dinner– couldn’t he have let it go to voicemail, and then called her back? It’s all about priorities– and you should be the priority- even if she is having relationship issues.
It’s strange, because you don’t want to move with someone and all the sudden start changing thier lives completely. On the same token- I’d be frustrated if my husband was constantly on the phone with another woman- or even another person, I guess- if it was truly that frequent- just coaching them through something. Some people go through hard times- and I am understanding of that. But it seems like this has been going on much longer with B.
Talk to him about it- but don’t attack. Don’t force him to do anything, but explain how it makes you feel, and see how he responds.
Post # 14
Being married really is about your partner being your best friend, “forsaking all others”. I feel like the ease of communication these days has made it too easy to cross lines and be involved in relationships with others that are crossing the line and are providing emotional intimacy levels that are inappropriate with someone other than your spouse or SO. Its so easy now to send texts when in the past you would have had to call the house phone or meet up which made it easier to avoid crossing lines. Maybe there is really nothing here other than a priority problem, he isn’t really sharing himself and his feelings in a way that should be left for you but for me, I can’t imagine my SO talking on the phone with some other woman multiple times/week, going to lunch and coffee, spending evenings texting her. He doesn’t have time for that because he has other priorities, including me.
The hard part here really is what can you do about it? This might sound silly but when I think about each of these kinds of situations I think of my Dad growing up. I ask myself or might ask SO to imagine his Dad taking calls from another woman during dinner, texting her all evening, meeting her for coffee and lunch.
Post # 15
I am with @jamb all the way on this one! If he doesn’t implement some boundaries and soon there will be problems. If another woman or man for that matter has the same access to your FI as you do that’s a problem. Before you moved in he still should’ve had boundaries in place for this chick. I would not tolerate that. if you accept it now it will continue on into your marriage. You have to make people respect your relationship if they don’t have enough common sense to do it on their own!