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I'm having a small wedding. Right now, it is looking like there will be 60-70 people, mostly family. My FI is the oldest of 5, and his 2 sisters are my bridemaids, my sister is my MOH, his childhood best friend is his Best Man, and his two brothers are his groomsmen.
The problem is FI's youngest brother. He is 22, graduating from college this spring, and just generally kind of a pain. He goes to school about 2.5 hours from where the family lives, and can't really be bothered to come home very often. FI and him are not particularly close, but we made the decision to include only family in the bridal party, so he is in. In the 4 years that FI and I have been together, FBIL has had at least 10 different girlfriends. Now, FBIL has a girlfriend that he has been dating for about 9 months, which is certainly a record for him. He has brought her home to meet the family twice - the 2nd time was about a month ago, for Easter, where she proceeded to regale the family with tales of a recent wedding that she had attended (with FBIL), which was awesome, because it was open bar, and they "got soooooooo drunk!". She also threw it out there that she thought it would be hilarious if, at our wedding, FBIL stood up at the front and mooned everyone.
Now, maybe she was just trying to push my buttons, but I just simply do not want her at my wedding. We will be having an open bar, and I don't feel that I can trust her to behave herself. I'm also concerned because she wouldn't know anyone, and the only person she does know (FBIL) is involved in the wedding, and will be otherwise occupied for parts of it. Awkward and weird to have this random girl standing around. FMIL (of course) says that I MUST invite her. I know this is ultimately our call, but it is complicated (in my eyes) by the fact that there will be a few friends of ours invited with +1's, where we don't really know the plus one. But, these are not members of the wedding party.
Am I being rude by not wanting to invite her?
What's your FI's take on it?
You may be able to get away with it since it's a small wedding.
He is all about being non-confrontational, and would prefer not to make a big deal about this.
Well, now is not the time to be causing rifts in the family, but of course you want to trust that everyone will behave themselves.
You should be gracious and invite her, request that your FI talks to his brother and brother's gf beforehand about being low key at the wedding.
if other siblings are allowed to have a guest, he needs to be allowed as well.
I personally would make a point to say something to this brother and girlfriend about their possible behavior and to make sure they keep in check.
Are you giving plus 1's to others who have been dating for the same length of time?
If so, it would be rude not to extend the same opportunity to your FBIL.
Groomsmen really are not occupied for most of the day, so it won't work to try to use that as an excuse.
Short answer? Yeah, kinda.
I get that she may not be the most likable person in the world, but fact is, she could be your future sister-in-law. That would be the reason we're def inviting FI's brother's girlfriend as well. Not because we like her, but because she may be a part of FI's (and therefore my) family one day. I also think just, in general, it's rude to not invite people that have been in a committed relationship for a while, especially when it's a bridal party member. I get the "keeping it small-ish" thing, but really if you're having more than just family there...I would. Keep the peace.
And for open bar - give the bartender a heads up. Should know when to cut people off anyways.
Yeah, none of the other siblings will be bringing dates, other than FI's oldest sister who is already married. The rest are all single. I guess I just resent being told that I must invite someone who seems massively immature, and totally uninterested in getting to know me/the family to my very intimate celebration.
I think you have to invite her. If other people get plus ones, he should too, especially since he's both family and in the wedding party.
Even if it's a small wedding, there's plenty of other people there to pay attention to so you can just say thanks for coming and ignore her the rest of the time.
I would invite her. Ya she might be immature...she sounds like a typical 22 year old college kid. But oh well. Its not worth the family drama to not invite her. Especially because its your fiances family.
I'm going to be honest - you sound a bit judgey of a 22 year old for doing what 22 year olds do. He's away at school and probably busy and a bit self-involed now - how often he visits his parents home isn't really something you should be holding against him. And the gf might not be so bad - her idea of "sooo drunk" might be three glasses of champagne and dancing all night. I think by not inviting her, you are trivializing the most important relationship he's had to date, but at the same time you're critizing him for not acting grown up. He's important enough to be a groomsman, but not important enough to be allowed to bring his gf? That doesn't seem right to me.
yeah, unfortunately i'd invite her too. if this is a record for him and he's making an effort to introduce her, then i'd go with it. maybe she was nervous or has a really bad sense of humor, who knows.
@AmeliaBedelia: definitely agree about tipping off the bartender about her (and him as well).
i'd tell FMIL & FH that they need to make sure in no uncertain terms that little brother knows that this isn't just a chance for them to get drunk off their asses. if they don't intend to conduct themselves like adults then they're going to be treated like children... and children don't get +1's lol.
@greenmint: Understandable, but really I think it's the best way to keep the peace and not turn the tables on yourself. If she wants to make an ass of herself, let her. Just don't put yourself in her position.
She may be immature, but that doesn't really change much when it comes to being the courteous one, ya know? Trust me there are several people that I'm like "do they REALLY need to be coming?" I think a lot of us have this unless it's a wedding of immediate family ONLY. I doubt you'll pay much attention to her on your wedding day anyways.
I have always thought that members of the bridal party are each given a +1. On the other hand personally, I would not want to invite this person.
I don't know if it is just me but I get so offended hearing someone make fun of a wedding, ie mooning everyone.
If worse comes to worse maybe you can invite her, but I would let it be known that if anyone gets out of hand they will be asked to leave.
I probably am being judgey about FBIL and the girlfriend, because (and no offense to any young 20-somethings out there) they just seem to act like little kids. FI's family has been going through a lot of financial issues lately, and FBIL is just totally rude/oblivious to all of it. For just one example - FBIL has essentially stolen one of the 2 working cars that his parents have, and has refused to give it back.
The only people that will be getting plus ones are a few outlier friends, who really wouldn't know anyone else at the wedding - I don't know their significant others, but I feel that it would be rude to invite someone to a wedding who doesn't really know anyone but the bride and groom, and not allow them to bring a guest. Clearly, that is not the case with the brother of the groom.
It sounds like you have more issues with the FBIL than you do with the girl. Regardless, I think you should invite her but it sounds like you have already made you decision.
@greenmint: I hear the frustration. You probably want to shake him and say "grow the F up already!" But you also don't want any of that clouding your wedding day. And who knows, he's young and almost done with college? He might be single again by the time of your wedding.
If the rest of the bridal party is not bringing a date except for the ones that are married, then that can be the stated rule and I would not invite her. Then it doesnt single her out, its just that no one is getting a +1.
If FBIL is not married to, engaged to, or living with this woman you do not HAVE to invite her. If he kicks up a fuss, I reccomend "FBIL, I am sorry, but given that our wedding is so small we're really keen to keep it to people who know us well and support us...Girlfriend is very new to the family and it would be awkward for HER to be the only one not related"
I would invite her but make it be known to FBIL (weather by you or FI) that your wedding is not some wild drunkfest and they need to be respectful. I think not inviting her would cause more drama then it's worth!
If she's already setting the stage for how inappropriate she intends to be at your wedding I would just not offer your brother a '+1' invite or get a hold of her specifically and tell her straight up how you expect her to behave. There is no reason to dance around the issue and there's no reason to have someone at your wedding encouraging others to moon. Maybe you will get lucky and they will be broken up by the date of your wedding ;-)
WOOOOOOOW. same boat here!
after sending my FINAL seating chart to my FMIL she said that my fiance's brother will be bringing a date... thanks for the heads up! 13 days in advance. my fiance's brother has a new gf every time we see him. he lives out of town and never comes for family functions... when he does, it's xmas... and brings a new gf. well this girl he plans to bring is coming from out of state as his "guest" not even a "girlfriend". i got an email from his mom saying that they will be sitting together.... excuse me? his brother is in the bridal party... they will not be sitting together. he will be with the bridal party from 2pm for pictures till after 8 when dinner is done... the whole reason why he wasn't suppose to bring a date. well regardless, they made it clear that she is coming no matter what. my parents are paying for the wedding. it's $125 a head for dinner. frankly at this point i'm bridezilla and i don't think she should be able to come... but what can we do!? she is flying from the east coast! we have a total of 78 people coming to the wedding... every single person we know, except her.
FUNNN!!!
so i say step your foot down and say no! if you don't like her, she has no business being there!!! that will just ruin your day!
I would invite her, but I would also give a headsup to your bartender and ask him to not serve her more than two or three drinks. :o)
I would also invite her. She's your FBIL's girlfriend, and they've been dating long enough that she should receive an invite. I know you're concerned about the alcohol factor, but giving the bartender a heads up before hand like jo.lee said is a good way to curb the drinking.
If no one else is getting a plus one, LEAVE THE CHILD AT HOME. If everyone else is, sadly you are stuck with her. BUT, I would inform MIL that you expect her to watch the lady-child and make sure she does not act up.
Also, I would discreetly inform the bar tender to limit her to two drinks
YOu are a saint because I would tell them HELL NO. Can your parents call them and tell them she can't come?
There is a big difference between not giving single people plus-one's and not allowing someone in an established relationship bring their bf/gf. It's pretty bad etiquette ro not invite her considering how long they've been dating. I agree with others Bees to maybe warn the bartender, and I would probably have your FI have a stern conversation with him about the two of them behaving. But you can't break up a social unit like that.
And LuvMySailor, you're calling the girlfriend a child but think that the OP should have her parents call for her and say this girl isn't allowed to come? Really?? Now that would be childish.
@Wonderstruck: I was actually replying to another poster whose parents were paying and she was dealing with an uninvited guest her ILs were insisting come. And YES the 22 year old is childish. What person at that age thinks mooning is funny.. As 22 I was on the President's List at college
@spoonoutmyheart: Thanks for sharing this - so glad I'm not the only one dealing with this sort of thing!
Thanks for all your opinions - I will probably end up allowing her to come, because I am non-confrontational in real life and I won't want to cause a problem. But, it really does annoy the hell out of me to be TOLD that I have to invite someone who I don't know, who I doubt will be sticking around, and who has already been disrespectful towards our wedding.
I think it might cause more drama than it's worth to not invite her. But I do think it might be a wise decision to employ a security guard or police officer to keep an eye on things and make sure they don't get too crazy. Then if she starts to act inappropriately you can have her butt hauled out of there!
I agree with Oribel013690:. If you didn't invite her, you're welcoming more drama into your life than what it's worth. I understand where you're coming from though, my FBIL started dating a woman almost twice his age after knowing her for 48 hours, moved to TX with her and her son (that is ONE year younger than he is), and only sparingly calls his mother to let her know he's still alive. Talk about drama...And although it's against our better judgement, my FI and I will be sending all three of them an invite.
Good luck, hun. Sibling problems are the worst...but as Oribel013690 said, "...if she starts to act inappropriately you can have her butt hauled out of there," which is EXACTLY what I'd be doing (and plan on doing)!
Not worth the hassle. I'd invite her and hope for the best. She probably said what she said to make a statement or raise hackles. I doubt a 22year old college student would ACTUALLY moon anyone at a wedding, talkless of one he is in and his brother's wedding to boot. Just invite her and get it over and done with. You don't want extra drama at your wedding. And with 70ppl there, you might not notice her :)
@amyisnice: That's just it - I don't know her! I don't even know her last name! I really have no idea if the comments she was making at Easter dinner were just her way of trying to be funny, or if she is serious. FBIL never comes home, and the 2 times that he has brought her home with him, they spend most of the time groping each other on the living room couch. I've been told that she would NOT be interested in being facebook friends with any of us, or in getting to know any of us any better.
Technically she should probably be invited but I totally understand where you are coming from too.
Personal story: We had a small-ish (about 100 person) wedding. My now-BIL had a girlfriend at the time who we didn't know and who knew nothing about us. My MIL invited her without really discussing any of it with us. She came down, looked kind of miserable, and took part in some family photos (not the formal ones at the church). They were engaged shortly after. Then they broke off their engagement a few weeks before their wedding and no longer speak.
Is your wedding in the same city where his family lives? If not, that could work in your favor.
I don't think etiquette says you have to invite her because she's been with him for 9 months. And the last time I thought mooning was funny was when I was 12, definitely not at 22. My concern would be that if she does come, she will drink more because she will be uncomfortable and she won't have anyone to talk to. She obviously doesn't want to get to know anyone, so she will just sit at a table and drink by herself until her boyfriend is finished with his duties. Then, when he is with her, she'll start to act crazy drunk.
If no one else in the wedding party is getting a plus one, then why is he so special?? If I were in your wedding party and didn't get a plus one, but he did and she acts like that, I would be pretty hurt and angry.
If your MIL insists she come, tell her she can pay for it. It drives me nuts when people want others invited and insist they are invited, but aren't contributing anything to the wedding. Like everyone has extra money lying around for their friends.
I think you have to invite her. It sucks that you don't like her and that she's immature, but your FBIL seems to be serious about her.
I wouldn't invite her. Maybe I'm not the queen of etiquette, but if you feel uncomfortable with the idea of someone being at your celebration, then they don't need to be there. It isn't a Christmas party, it is you wedding. She will most likely end up in photos, and if she does act up, the memories will NEVER go away. Your FMIL will get over it eventually. I think the situation would be very different if they were engaged or more serious. Meeting the family twice, IMO does not have any indicator on receiving an invite or not. If anyone gives you grief about +1's, tell them because of the nature of your small wedding, you are not allowing +1's in order to have an intimate affair. Good luck.
How would you feel if you were in her place and didn't get invited to your SO's brother's wedding when you'd been dating for nine months? How would your FH feel if he had been dating you for nine months and his brother didn't invite you his wedding?
I think that if you would feel hurt if someone didn't invite you in that situation, that you need to invite her.
This woman could end up being your SIL sometime in the future, and you can almost guarantee that it will always be a point of contention that she wasn't invited if she ends up marrying becoming part of your family...
Try giving her something small to do at the wedding so she feels a part of it, and that might make her feel more inclined not to act up at the wedding or the reception.
If 2 months is a record for him right now, maybe she won't be around in October. Give him a +1 and have Fi speak to him before the wedding.
Good luck!
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