(Closed) Am I being selfish?

posted 8 years ago in Parties
Post # 3
Member
2006 posts
Buzzing bee

I think there are two different issues going on here, and you are using one to mask the other:

1) You don’t want someone you don’t know at your party. That is completely understandable, as you should only have friends/family at a party thrown in your honor!

2) You aren’t comfortable with your friend being gay/bi.

From the way you make it sound, it seems like you would be more okay with your bff bringing a friend you don’t know, but this is your girlfriend. you say your friends are “homophobic” but I don’t think this is an excuse and it is being used to cover up your own uncomfortableness. 

So while I agree with your argument of not having the girlfriend there because you don’t really know her, I think you are using selfish reasons to keep her away. Any big life changing event (your friend “becoming gay”) can be scary and uncomfortable. It is understandable that you are having to readjust your way of thinking about your bff. But please learn to accept her for her new life, especially if you say you don’t have a problem with gay people. Sorry I don’t have better advice :/

Post # 4
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I don’t think you’re being selfish. I wouldn’t want anyone I didn’t know at my bachelorette party, I’d feel like I needed to watch myself in front of a new person. I agree it would be awkward. You have to put yourself in her shoes however. Since she’s throwing the party, she may feel like she has the right to invite whomever she pleases. She might also be self conscious and feeling like you don’t approve of her new partner. I’d reassure her that you’d love to get to know her new SO, just not at your bachelorette party.

Post # 5
Member
913 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

yikes!  I think she needs to understand that it is YOUR party and that your should be surrounded by YOUR friends and people that you will have fun with!  If she brings her new GF, who knows no one else at the party (I’m assuming) then your friend will constantly be worried about entertaining her GF and focusing on her so she doens’t feel like an outsider and not letting you enjoy your night.

Post # 6
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Gah. There are so many issues to address here.

First of all, no. You’re not being selfish. It’s your bachelorette party and everyone on the guest list should be someone who is a close friend and a part of your wedding. I think it is rude of your MOH to invite a tag-a-long friend (regardless of what relationship they have). I would feel the same way if she had invited her boyfriend, or her roommate. If they aren’t *your* friend, then they really don’t have any business being there, especially if their relationship makes you uncomfortable (Imagine she had a douchey boyfriend– I would say the same thing, she shouldn’t invite her SO without clearing it through you).

Now, another question I have for you is what are you doing being friends with homophobic people? Not cool. Whether you agree or disagree with your MOH’s choice to date a woman, you should still love and support her as her friend. She doesn’t need your approval, or to have to justify her relationship to you and your other friends. Just because you think its “weird and awkward” doesn’t make her relationship any less valid than you and your FI’s.

Frankly, I don’t know why she would want to hang out with a bunch of homophobic people anyway. I’m straight as an arrow and I have no room for that kind of ignorance in my social circle.

Post # 8
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

Just because she is your MOH I don’t think that means she can invite someone you don’t know to your party. That isn’t selfish on your part, of course you want to spend the time with people you are close to. That is fine.

I agree with some other people though that you need to carefully think about the issue of how you deal with your friend’s new relationship. Even if you didn’t mean them to, your words here came across as very homophobic and I’m sure your friend picked up on your feelings at the time. I think that is the bigger, more important issue and one you need to sort through pretty quickly to keep the friendship.

Post # 10
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I mean… I hear what you’re saying. It can be hard to adjust to a big change from someone you’ve known your entire life. You think of her as one way– and that perception has been really rocked. That’s going to take some getting used to.

But, as far as the small town excuse goes– I live in Waco, TX. Waco, TX! I work at a huge hardware store that is *very* right-leaning. And I still don’t tolerate that crap from anyone, especially not people I am friends with! Just because the region I live in tends to not accept homosexuals, doesn’t mean that *just because I live here*, I suddenly have to stop supporting them too.

It’s never too late to stand up for what’s right you know?

Post # 12
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

I suspect if you talk to your friend you will find that she might not have been “straight” her whole life and now “suddenly” like a girl (or she might, you never know). These things don’t normally just come out of the blue. When my best friend first told me he was gay I asked him how long he’d known (at this point we were 17, had been very close for 3 or 4 years) and he said “well how long have you known you were straight”. The answer of course is “forever”. So while it seems very sudden to you, for your friend it is probably something she’s suspected for a long time (but not talked about – I will refer to your points about the area in which you live!) I think talking to her some more and getting to know her gf will put you in a better position to not feel weird and awkward about it! (I felt a bit odd the first time I saw my bff make out with another guy too after seeing him with girlfriends, so I do understand where you are coming from.)

Post # 14
Member
226 posts
Helper bee

I don’t think you’re being selfish because you should get to enjoy your bachelorette party without worry. I do think that you’re having a hard time keeping your personal feelsings toward your MOHs situation separate from your general discomfort with not knowing the gf well enough, but I don’t think that means that you should have to endure discomfort. A close friend went through a similar situation recently. We planned a bachelorette party and were going over a list of people to invite. On the list was a girl named Donna. She’s a lesbian and we’ve been aware of that for a long time. After sending invitations, Donna asks if she can bring her gf. Donna switches gfs frequently and we hadn’t met this one, so we said no. This was not a +1 event.

This was not the time to test out new group dynamics. We absolutely wanted the bride to be comfortable with all of her guests. The one thing that the guests SHOULD have in common is a relationship with the bride and if that wasn’t there it was a no-go. Another girl invited is a lesbian who is in a relationship. We’ve met her SO, but SO wasn’t on the guest list because she didn’t have a strong relationship with the bride. Also, regardless of Donna’s gf being a girl, no SOs/dates were being invited to the party despite being the same gender.

The guest list was not random. There were no “acquaintances” and just because Donna’s gf is a girl doesn’t overshadow her lack of relationship with the bride and what that meant to a group dynamic (a new person in a group of 6 makes a bigger impact than a new person in a group of 60). The bride explained this all to Donna and told her that she is welcome to bring gf as her +1 to the wedding, but the bachelorette was super small and intimate so she wanted to keep things as comfy as possible.

 

The topic ‘Am I being selfish?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors