I definitely don't think you're selfish for wanting to start trying now. You may not even be pregnant by May! Don't feel guilty for living your life, she may be a bit disappointed if you get pregnant, but a real friend will come around.
Live your life and don't worry about what other people have to say. You can't make huge life decisions, like when to have a baby, based on other people's life decisions.
If she wants to get drunk, why would it matter if you were preggo?? :P Even if you DID get pregnant next month, you'd only be a few months along by the time of the wedding, and it's not like you'd have a basketball already ;)
You shouldn't feel bad for wanting to start your family. It sounds like jealous and selfishness on her part. You're not selfish for wanting kids with your husband. :)
thankyou , i guess im just more afraid ill really upset her or take away any attention from her planning cos i certainly wouldnt want that !
@Isla2013: Nope. Not even a little bit. There are some things that a bride can expect from her bridal party. Putting off pregnancy is not, nor should it ever be, one of those things. Its a shame she's not excited for you. And there is nothing about PCOS that means your uterus turns off at a specific age, so her resentment sounds ill-informed. If she can't enjoy the company of her friends and celebrate without drinking, the problem is hers, not yours!! And good luck with the baby making ;)
@Isla2013: Oh no girl, don't feel guilty, you are doing nothing wrong, if anything i think she is being a bit selfish, you should live your life reagardless what her plans are, if she is a true friend, she will be happy and supportive, not the other way around...you are obv happy for her and you will be there and if you dont drink when she gets married is not the end of the world, so you drink after you give birth, big deal, alcohol is not going anywhere....dont feel guilty, your hubby is right
@BartenderPlease: Exactly this. And research actually suggests that women with PCOS may actually be fertile for *longer* than women who don't have it!
OP, your friend is being totally unreasonable. Family planning is solely between you and your husband - friends don't get veto power over your reproductive choices. You definitely should not feel guilty at all!
I'm with PP... you go along with YOUR life plans as YOU wish. Unless you want to wait until after her wedding or whatever other reason, that decision is solely up to you and your husband, without external influence.
I can see her feeling a little badly inside that maybe her events won't be as expected (ie. you two drinking together) but she should never have expressed this to you or suggested you wait to start a family.
Do what is right for you and your DH, start a family whenever you want. She will realize after she is married that those evens while important to her now, will not seem so life altering later (especially to people besides her and FI).
@Isla2013: It is so not selfish of you to want to try for a family. She cannot ask you to put your life on hold for one night of drinking, that is so unfair! She is being selfish to ask that of you. Remind her that you will still be there for her in every step of the way and being pregnant will not change how good of a maid of honor you are. Also tell her all the benefits of having a pregnant MOH - show her cute pictures that you guys can take.
My BFF is getting married in July and she wants me to get pregnant SO badly - she is constantly sending me pinterest pics of pregnant BM's with the bride and things like that. I'm sure your friend will come around!!! =)
Wow ladies , so so supportive , this is what places like this are great for ! Thankyou you've all really helped me think more clearly, I feel much more at peace :-)
@Isla2013: I feel bad that you feel bad! I'm the same type of person, so I understand. BUT you are in NO way being selfish. She's the one being selfish. I'm so sorry you feel like this. Hopefully she'll come around soon and realize that your family is more important than getting drunk :)
You are definitely NOT selfish. You have every right to TTC and get pregnant, should it happen before May. She can't ask you to put your life on hold for her.....you can still go out and have a good time!! :) Just without drinking.
You're not being selfish at all. She can still have a great time and be drunk at her parties if you're with child. If you feel the time is right for you in your life with your family then I say go for it.
You cannot stop your life because of her wedding! I'm sorry she is going through issues with her fertility, but that has NOTHING to do with you.
Just keep your TTC plans to yourself when it comes to her and be supportive of her wedding.
You are definitely not selfish and I would really like to emphasize the fact that she is very ill-informed about her PCOS if she thinks she won't be able to have children after 25. That's just ridiculous.
In my case if my BFF was getting married I probably would hold off for that month. My BFF is like my sister and this day would be a huge deal in my life too. We might be unusually close but I would want to celebrate with her for this last time before both of our lives are forever restricted, with children, etc. If I had TTC issues like age, then I would expect her to understand why I want to start trying asap. You're not wrong, and I'm sure she will have other gals to drink with. That's just my opinion in my personal case.
You may not even be pregnant by May and if you were you'd probably barely be showing! Maybe do the sneaky and swap your alcoholic beverages for something that looks similar? Word the bartender up (if there is one) at the start of the night that you'll be ordering *insert drink here* but you really want a non-alcoholic alternative that looks the same.
Being pregnant and a MOH is totally fine- she is the one being selfish dont feel bad! My MOH was 4 months pregant, and while yes it would have been fun if you could have let loose at the bachlorette party it in no way made he a bad MOH or upset me. Your family comes first, don't put of TTC because you never know how long it will take to get pregnant anyways.
Don't feel guilty at all! It is your life and if you and your hubby want to start trying for a family you can do it whenever you choose, she is the one being selfish not you. Try not to let her immaturity get you down, you really have nothing to feel bad about. xx
One night of drinking doesn't mean being pregnant won't make being MOH really difficult in lots of other ways... I don't expect to go get drunk, but if my MOH said "Hey I'm going to try to get pregnant" 5 months before my wedding, I'd just ask if she still wanted to be MOH, because I'd assume she wouldn't be able to do a lot of things since everything would be in her first trimester (maybe second) and she'd probably be really emotional and/or sick and not be able to do everything... also that she didn't really care much about being MOH then. I wouldn't care if it was just about one night of drinking though.
I feel that it depends on how much you plan to be involved or how well you will take pregnancy. You could be really sick all the time and not actually be able to be MOH, which, I think sucks since you agreed to do the job.
If you agree to do the job, I think you should be fit to do it. It's 5 months... if you get pregnant soon, you could be unable to plan or do things that you might need to do... but it depends on how much you would need to do. Do you need to coordinate parties, plans? Do you need to go to/accompany dress fittings? Do you need to help with DIY stuff?
If it's just about ONE night of drinking, then no. No big deal. However, I think since you already agreed, and it's only 5 months, and you might not know how you'll be able to physically handle being pregnant... if I were the MOH, I'd wait because I wouldn't want my friend to feel I let her down and bail on things when I wasn't feeling up to it. I'd feel like I took the job for granted and/or didn't take it seriously for her. It's not 3 years, it's 5 months... so I'd just wait if it were me, because I wouldn't want to fall down on the job on other ways or cause extra stress for her (dress fittings, being too sick to do what I promised, get sick/can't do something last minute do to pregnancy and throwing a knot in plans, etc)
I don't think it's selfish exactly, but it depends on how much you're expected/want to do as MOH, and how seriously you take the MOH title, and how much you care about your friend versus waiting 5 months (unless there's a reason you need to start now). But if it's ONLY one night of drinking, then whatever... definitely not enough of a reason not to get pregnant. lol However, I don't think you can guarantee there won't be other problems...
But other than that, it is HER wedding and you did agree to be MOH... so to start something now that you KNOW could cause many problems or prevent you from being a good MOH, I think might be a bit selfish. If you want to, I think maybe you should consider stepping down from MOH so that you don't have all the responsibilities to risk?
That's just me and what I would do though ^_^
She is incredibly, incredibly selfish if she expects you to postpone having a family for one or two nights of drinking!! Besides (as usually a non drinker myself), it is possible to go out with drinking friends, and have fun with them while you're drinking Coke or orange juice.,
@yanamari: Sorry, but I disagree. MOH is not a "job", it simply means being supportive on the wedding day, (and usually a little bit before, e.g. bachelorette party). Lots and lots and lots and lots of pregnant women have been MOH. You don't postpone something as major as TTC for someone else's party.
@paula1248: ::shrugs:: I've heard how MOHs plan parties and help with a lot of DIY stuff and I don't know... I figured if I was in my first trimester during my friend's wedding, there's a good chance I might be sick and possibly have to even bail on the wedding day... That would suck of me.
I personally wouldn't want to risk doing that to my best friend when I can just do as normal in 5 months, but that's just me. Maybe I'm too concerned for other people? I don't know. I can still get pregnant later, but her wedding is a big deal, one time thing, and I don't want incapacitated from helping or being there on the big day and at the parties. I can get pregnant in 5 months or whenever... but I also have no big urge to get pregnant.
I'm certainly not saying nobody could be a MOH being pregnant at all. I know many are. But if I had a CHOICE, I wouldn't do it to my best friend. If it happens, or I end up pregnant when she decided, then I shouldn't be excluded just because I'm pregnant... that kinda sucks... Also if she knows I'm trying, she should understand that I won't STOP for it necessarily, but if I know I'm in my best friend's wedding in 5 months as a MOH (not just a bridesmaid), I feel I should just wait a little longer instead of risking causing problems, or at least ask if she'd mind.
I would not want to CHOOSE do anything that would highly risk me being unavailable for her wedding, as a MOH, especially if I know I can just do whatever it is after her wedding. Maybe I'd take it too seriously? I don't know o_O Just my opinion; nobody has to take it. lol
Of course you're not being selfish! It's 100% your decision when to TTC and she is actually being selfish expecting you to postpone that for her. I'm not saying you will - but imagine you had problems conceiving, and you'd postponed finding this out due to her. It's your life. You can still be in her wedding pregnant. She needs to support you.
@yanamari: But don't you think 5 months is long time to postpone TTC - some women start TTC only to discover they have issues etc which also take time to investigate.
@yanamari: I think when you are at the point in your life where you are ready to start a family you will understand. Once a couple is ready for that next phase in their life it is usually is big deal, a huge desire and something that take a priority over things like drinking at a bachlorette party. 5 months is a LONG time to just put it off when you want a baby. Especially because it isn't always as easy as "I'll just get pregnant in 5 months or whatever" because there is no guarantee it will happen right when you want it to. My MOH had the typical 1st timester morning sickness ect, but she still was very involved in planning my shower and bach party although I would have understand if she wasn't up for it. But I think most people are are a so close to the bride that they would be chosen as MOH would just bail on the wedding because they were expecting.
She is being selfish. My MOH was 4 months pregnant at the time of my wedding and it was fine. She still participated in everything (minus drinking obviously) and you could barely even tell she was pregnant in her dress.
@Isla2013: What in the world... Are we in the twilight zone?! Since when do brides have any say over when anyone can get pregnant?! She has one day, her wedding day. She has absolutely no right (or manners BTW) to tell you when or when you can try for a baby.
If you are ready to try- GO FOR IT! You never know how long it will take you to fall pregnant and the decision to start to try involves no one other than you and your DH.
Best of luck!
@Isla2013: Nope, you're not being selfish, sounds more like she is. You can get pg whenever you'd like and it's not a concern of your friend. I have 3 "best friends" - one got pregnant 2 months after I got engaged and could not make it to my bachelorette party because she was 9 months pregnant (she had a newborn at my wedding and was pumping all day), one got pregnant 5 months before my bachelorette party and was 8 months pregnant at my wedding, and one was 3 months pregnant at my wedding. I was very happy for all of them. They all went out of their way to still be there for me during the engagement and weddng, which wasn't even necessary because they had so much going on in their own lives but really meant a lot to me. The one who was 9 months pg couldn't make it to my bridal shower (it was out of town) or bachelorette party but sent a card and gift to both in her absence and let me know how much she wished she could be there. The 5 month pg one came to my bachelorette party weekend getaway even though she couldn't drink and partake in the festivities.
The point of this is there are ways to be a supportive bm while pregnant, and you'll just have to show your friend that if you get pg. I do think she's taking the bride role a bit far by telling you that she doesn't want you to get pregnant.
obviously she can't tell you how to live your life and I dont know any other info on you (age, medical issues, regular cycles, tracking etc) so its hard to say if 5 m (technically i think more like 3 though bc no try in feb, march, april...then start up in may)
i do think that there is a difference in my mom friends vs my non mom/prego friends......and while drinking is part of it there is a lot of other stuff thst goes along w it too
i dont think getting prego or trying is terrible but i do think that it will make it different..... how was she for your wedding? do you think you csn offer her same level of support if you are prego/sick/tired etc?
Since when does being pregnant completely incapacitate someone? If this was the case, no one would hire women if they were going to be unable to do anything for their first trimester of pregnancy. Will you have morning/all-day sickness? Possibly. Will you be tired? Probably. Will you be bed-ridden and unable to do anything? Absolutely not (unless you by chance got the super rare hyperemesis gravidum, but, probably not). Pregnant women obviously have to be able to function for every other aspect of their lives, you should reassure your friend that just because you may be pregnant, doesn't mean you won't be there for her every step of the way. You can still go to the bachelorette party and have a good time without consuming alcohol.
You are not being selfish at all, I agree with PP that if you are ready, you shouldn't feel like you have to wait to start trying, because who knows how long it will really take! I was under the very false assumption before TTC that if you are young and healthy, you just stop taking the pill, have sex during fertile window, and BAM! Pregnant. Sooooo not the case. Granted I have only been trying for 3 months, but it could very easily turn into longer than that.
Thank goodness my best friend and bride-to-be is being nicer about me as her bridesmaid TTC, the only thing she said is hey, if you can't drink during my parties, then you wouldnt' mind being DD right? Haha, nope, not at all :) She is very supportive and realizes that the world doesn't revolve around her, even if it is her wedding. And if I do get pregnant soon, I would be pretty huge by her Mid-July wedding, and she still doesn't care. Then again, I have known of brides who picked their BMs based on how skinny they are and how well they would look in a dress. Sooo, sooo sad that too many people have gotten way materialistic for weddings and care about things that are so not important in the long run at all.
Sounds like your friend just had a bit of a bridezilla moment, hopefully she will come around! :)
You have already gotten a wealth of support, but i just wanted to pipe in because i'm going through the exact same situation with a friend. And i struggled a lot with it but finally decided (last week!) that she will be my friend regardless of what happens, and while i may not be able to wear the dress if i were to get pregnant right away, and i'm sure she'd be upset with me for a little while, she's a real friend, and a real friend is able to look past her own little world and understand you have needs too.
Even so, i've struggled with this, because i don't want to be the cause of any disappointment for the bride, even if it is selfish or silly of her to be upset about it. But after much thought, i've realized that putting off TTC is not in my best interests, and i have to do what's right for me, not the dress in my closet or my friend.
Of course, i've had about 3 nightmares already about getting pregnant and having to tell her and in each of them i'm like 300 pounds at her wedding, so i guess you could say i am still feeling guilty about this :)
I echo that a true friend would not be upset, a little bummed? Sure. But in no way would be mad/upset.
In fact I just had a conversation with my best friend who will be TTC in a few months, as we were talking about my big 30th birthday that isn't until Nov, and she told me she will be TTC early this year. I joked around with her that I was bummed she would miss it, but immediately switched gears to let her know that when the time came I wanted to throw her a baby shower, etc. She told me she was surprised by my reaction (since I don't want to have kids) but a real friend is always happy if our friends are getting what they want in life! :) Don't worry & have a little faith in your friend!
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hello ladies , so long story short, me and husband are going to start trying for a family next month , and my bff is getting married in may . i am also her moh . recently when ive even attempted to mention ttc i get negative reaction from her , she wants to get drunk with me on her bacherlorette night and the wedding. its making me feel really awkward as i dont want to ruin her day/plans its just bad timing.
im really feeling selfish right now and bit upset by it all really , husband says not to worry but i feel really guilty for some reason :-(
also she has pcos and is convinced she wont be able to have children after the age of 25 which makes me feel bad even more thinking about howd shed feel if we got preg before her wedding ?
just needed somewhere to vent just feel kinda awkward about the whole thing !!