Am I being selfish?

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
4762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

1. If you don’t want to take your daughter, don’t take her. I think that is totally fair. She doesn’t need a flower girl for a destination wedding.

2. Don’t plan your next baby around your sister’s wedding. Get pregnant when you want to get pregnant and go to her wedding if you can.

These are the risks you take having a wedding on the other side of the world. I would sit down with her and tell her both of these things and say that if she absolutely wants you and your daughter there, would she consider having a wedding at home and honeymoon in Thailand, but you respect her decision either way.

Post # 4
6048 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I don’t think you are being selfish.  I can really understand wanting to have your daughter there, but the travel time is crazy.  That’s a downside of having a DW is that people just can’t come.  

Post # 5
3994 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

No, I don’t think you’re being selfish at all, but very realistic. I’m sure the wedding will be beautiful but that is a lot to ask your guests to do and incredibly expensive. Don’t pause your life for her wedding. I can’t imagine taking a toddler on a 24-hour flight across the world (and that’s just one way!). Do what is best for your family and then see how it affects going to her wedding. 

Post # 6
7915 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

why the hell is she being so ambitous with the DW? All of her guests are going to be jetlagged, tired, and maybe even resentful.

Get married in the carribean or something then honeymoon in Thailand. Is she from there? Then I guess I could see having my heart set on it, but if not… really?



Post # 7
1802 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t think you are being selfish at all. Think about how much it will suck for YOU to be taking all of those flights that take 24 hours, and then think about how much worse it will be for an 18 month old who has no idea what’s going on, especially if she isn’t used to traveling by airplane. I also think you should continue TTC for your second child because putting it off for months just for your sister’s wedding could really mess up your timeline. I think bringing a child into the world is much more important than a wedding.

I would just tell your sister that you all very much want to be there, but that it wouldn’t be fair for you to drag your little girl all the way to Thailand. Have you told your family that you are TTC #2? If not, I would leave that out of the conversation, but you would obviously have to tell them pretty early if you think you won’t be able to attend.

ETA: It will take days for your daughter to get accustomed to the time change in Thailand. She could possibly be extremely cranky for the wedding, so keep that in mind when you explain the situation to your sister.

Post # 8
193 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

No way would I take an 18 month old on such a taxing trip- and I think it’s ridiculous that your family is giving you a hard time about this! Also to answer your other question, no I don’t think you should put your family plans on hold because your sister wants to have a wedding in Thailand. The fact that you’re even worried about this just shows how thoughtful you are!

Post # 9
6678 posts
Bee Keeper

I think she’s being beyond selfish, not you.  It is ridiculous to have a DW a world away and then act entitled to having everyone who deserves to be invited actually, you know, be able to attend.

I totally agree with the pp who said that if having her loved ones is so important to her then she can have a local wedding and plan a honeymoon to Thailand or elope and throw a post wedding reception. 

I would have had news for her.  There would have been no way I would have travelled that distance for that length of time with a toddler and no way I’d be willing to leave a toddler for that kind of distance for a round the world DW either.  Probably would have stated my case far more diplomatically than that, but the result would have  been the same.  

And in no universe would I be  planning a pregnancy around this, either.  For all you know you could have trouble conceiving the next time, or the longer you wait.  Your own life does not need to go on hold to fulfill her self serving fantasies. 

Post # 10
11379 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@Pink Turtle:  no, you are not being selfish.  honestly, i wouldn’t want to travel with an infant for 24hours for just 5 days.  i don’t think your sister is thinking about jet lag.  we are talking 10+ hours difference here.  has she travelled before?  it’s hard enough on an adult but for a child that young, ouch.  i wouldn’t guarantee she’ll make a happy flower girl.

your sister needs to realize how much jet lag will affect all of her guests for the wedding.  she wants happy and excited guests, not tired ones.

Post # 11
939 posts
Busy bee

@Pink Turtle:  my daughter is 4 and much easier to deal with now than she was at 18 months and it would be very unlikely I would take her to thailand or anywhere else that far away unless we were staying for  an extended peiod of time. it is not selfish to not want to subject yourself or your daughter to that kind of travel. even if she is a perfect angel the entire time it will still suck. 

Post # 13
240 posts
Helper bee

Uh no, you’re not being selfish. I think she’s being selfish and a little insane.  If you choose to have a destination wedding on the other side of the world, you accept that you’re probably not going to get everything you want in terms of guests, gifts, bridal parties, etc. I keep seeing these posts about DW brides who think everyone should be bending over backwards to accomodate their whims.

There’s no reason to drag everyone to Thailand for this wedding. I love Thailand too, but not everyone wants to go there or drop that much time/money on attending a wedding there. I go where I want with my vacation.

Your primary job as a mother is looking out for the best interests of your child. There’s no way this is a good idea for her – she’ll be exhausted, disoriented, she may get sick, etc. It’s a terrible idea. You’re being a good mom. I think your sister is being a bad sister.

Hold your ground on this. She needs to come back to reality.

Post # 14
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

She’s not being selfish and your not being selfish, if thats what she wants for her wedidng she can do what she wants but like you said she has to except the practicalities. Also you are not being selfish saying your daughter cannot make it and absulotely no way do you need to change you life plans ie: 2nd baby around her wedding, that’s crazy. Just go without your daughter or if you can’t go at the time because you are preggo then so be it, forgive her wild plans though and just explain the situation, she can except or not that’s her choice.

Post # 15
284 posts
Helper bee

I wanted a destination wedding and chose to stay home because I was concerned about my 90 year old grandmother flying/being exposed to something her immune system couldn’t handle. I don’t think you’re selfish at all, and I think that when you have a destination wedding you have to realize that some people simply are not able to go, and that’s that, even if they are family members.

I would never have a destination wedding without preparing myself for very few people to attend, even some of the people I hold nearest and dearest.

Post # 16
10748 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2014

Don’t bring your daughter if you don’t want to. 

For the pregnancy thing, I would actually hold off. How would you feel if you missed your sister’s wedding because you couldn’t fly? Probably pretty bad. 

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