Post # 1
So my sister has just announced her engagement, Im thrilled for her. she has asked me to be her BM and my daughter to be her Flower Girl which is all very exciting, but… she thinks she will get married in Thailand.
This brings all sorts of problems, its three flights over a 24 hour period to get there and my daughter will only be 18 months old. she will have to sit on our lap and then the family only plan to stay about 5 days and we would all have to do it again to get home.
i just dont think this is fair on my little girl. So we have thought about it and decided she could stay at home with her other grandma on my husbands side. But now my family are getting all upset, they want her there, my sister says she is really important etc.
but I feel it was my sisters decision to get married half way around the world for no particular reason so she should accept that people wont be able to come.
Which brings on the next thing, we have been trying for a second baby and as the timing works its quite possible I could either be very pregnant or just had a new born. This would make it impossible for me to fly this far either. again am I being selfish, should I really delay my family plans to suit my sisters wedding?
obviously Id love to go to her wedding, but she seems to think we have to just make it work and change our lives for her. I dont have a problem with her wanting a destination wedding, but I feel that is her choice and part of that choice was to accept people wont be able to go no matter how much she wants them too.
Post # 3
1. If you don’t want to take your daughter, don’t take her. I think that is totally fair. She doesn’t need a flower girl for a destination wedding.
2. Don’t plan your next baby around your sister’s wedding. Get pregnant when you want to get pregnant and go to her wedding if you can.
These are the risks you take having a wedding on the other side of the world. I would sit down with her and tell her both of these things and say that if she absolutely wants you and your daughter there, would she consider having a wedding at home and honeymoon in Thailand, but you respect her decision either way.
Post # 4
I don’t think you are being selfish. I can really understand wanting to have your daughter there, but the travel time is crazy. That’s a downside of having a DW is that people just can’t come.
Post # 5
No, I don’t think you’re being selfish at all, but very realistic. I’m sure the wedding will be beautiful but that is a lot to ask your guests to do and incredibly expensive. Don’t pause your life for her wedding. I can’t imagine taking a toddler on a 24-hour flight across the world (and that’s just one way!). Do what is best for your family and then see how it affects going to her wedding.
Post # 6
why the hell is she being so ambitous with the DW? All of her guests are going to be jetlagged, tired, and maybe even resentful.
Get married in the carribean or something then honeymoon in Thailand. Is she from there? Then I guess I could see having my heart set on it, but if not… really?
Post # 7
I don’t think you are being selfish at all. Think about how much it will suck for YOU to be taking all of those flights that take 24 hours, and then think about how much worse it will be for an 18 month old who has no idea what’s going on, especially if she isn’t used to traveling by airplane. I also think you should continue TTC for your second child because putting it off for months just for your sister’s wedding could really mess up your timeline. I think bringing a child into the world is much more important than a wedding.
I would just tell your sister that you all very much want to be there, but that it wouldn’t be fair for you to drag your little girl all the way to Thailand. Have you told your family that you are TTC #2? If not, I would leave that out of the conversation, but you would obviously have to tell them pretty early if you think you won’t be able to attend.
ETA: It will take days for your daughter to get accustomed to the time change in Thailand. She could possibly be extremely cranky for the wedding, so keep that in mind when you explain the situation to your sister.
Post # 8
No way would I take an 18 month old on such a taxing trip- and I think it’s ridiculous that your family is giving you a hard time about this! Also to answer your other question, no I don’t think you should put your family plans on hold because your sister wants to have a wedding in Thailand. The fact that you’re even worried about this just shows how thoughtful you are!
Post # 9
I think she’s being beyond selfish, not you. It is ridiculous to have a DW a world away and then act entitled to having everyone who deserves to be invited actually, you know, be able to attend.
I totally agree with the pp who said that if having her loved ones is so important to her then she can have a local wedding and plan a honeymoon to Thailand or elope and throw a post wedding reception.
I would have had news for her. There would have been no way I would have travelled that distance for that length of time with a toddler and no way I’d be willing to leave a toddler for that kind of distance for a round the world DW either. Probably would have stated my case far more diplomatically than that, but the result would have been the same.
And in no universe would I be planning a pregnancy around this, either. For all you know you could have trouble conceiving the next time, or the longer you wait. Your own life does not need to go on hold to fulfill her self serving fantasies.
Post # 10
@Pink Turtle: no, you are not being selfish. honestly, i wouldn’t want to travel with an infant for 24hours for just 5 days. i don’t think your sister is thinking about jet lag. we are talking 10+ hours difference here. has she travelled before? it’s hard enough on an adult but for a child that young, ouch. i wouldn’t guarantee she’ll make a happy flower girl.
your sister needs to realize how much jet lag will affect all of her guests for the wedding. she wants happy and excited guests, not tired ones.
Post # 11
@Pink Turtle: my daughter is 4 and much easier to deal with now than she was at 18 months and it would be very unlikely I would take her to thailand or anywhere else that far away unless we were staying for an extended peiod of time. it is not selfish to not want to subject yourself or your daughter to that kind of travel. even if she is a perfect angel the entire time it will still suck.
Post # 12
Just to note there is no connection to Thailand. She just doesnt want to get married here because she thinks a package wedding is easier, but if she is set on a destination wedding there are some much closer places, we would do all we could to fly our girl 4-5 hours away, it wouldnt be ideal, but we would do it. Both families are based here only 1 hour flight away from each other.
My mum was understanding but my dad and sister think I should take her. But they are not mothers! I am also very lucky to have a great network here so I know we can leave her, it might even be a bice break for us Especially if we are still TTC.
As for TTC, I had told my mum, who did kind of tell my sister, I did not plan to bring it up until I was actually pregnant which would give plenty of notice as I can get travel insurance to 24 weeks so would have to be further along than this for it to be a problem. But also more complicated because my Brother and his wife are also TTC for their first, dont know if she knows that though.
Also I never even told her the financial strain, my husband is already concerned, but despite this we would save everything and dig into our sacings if we had to.
Post # 13
Uh no, you’re not being selfish. I think she’s being selfish and a little insane. If you choose to have a destination wedding on the other side of the world, you accept that you’re probably not going to get everything you want in terms of guests, gifts, bridal parties, etc. I keep seeing these posts about DW brides who think everyone should be bending over backwards to accomodate their whims.
There’s no reason to drag everyone to Thailand for this wedding. I love Thailand too, but not everyone wants to go there or drop that much time/money on attending a wedding there. I go where I want with my vacation.
Your primary job as a mother is looking out for the best interests of your child. There’s no way this is a good idea for her – she’ll be exhausted, disoriented, she may get sick, etc. It’s a terrible idea. You’re being a good mom. I think your sister is being a bad sister.
Hold your ground on this. She needs to come back to reality.
Post # 14
She’s not being selfish and your not being selfish, if thats what she wants for her wedidng she can do what she wants but like you said she has to except the practicalities. Also you are not being selfish saying your daughter cannot make it and absulotely no way do you need to change you life plans ie: 2nd baby around her wedding, that’s crazy. Just go without your daughter or if you can’t go at the time because you are preggo then so be it, forgive her wild plans though and just explain the situation, she can except or not that’s her choice.
Post # 15
I wanted a destination wedding and chose to stay home because I was concerned about my 90 year old grandmother flying/being exposed to something her immune system couldn’t handle. I don’t think you’re selfish at all, and I think that when you have a destination wedding you have to realize that some people simply are not able to go, and that’s that, even if they are family members.
I would never have a destination wedding without preparing myself for very few people to attend, even some of the people I hold nearest and dearest.
Post # 16
Don’t bring your daughter if you don’t want to.
For the pregnancy thing, I would actually hold off. How would you feel if you missed your sister’s wedding because you couldn’t fly? Probably pretty bad.