Post # 1
I need a reality check here, ladies. I recently got engaged, and we’re starting to plan the wedding. FH and I envision a relaxed, outdoor/tented wedding with lawn games (like croquet & bocce ball), drinks and dancing for 80-100. My dad and his wife just built a beautiful house on 10 acres and it would be perfect for our wedding.
The issue (if you couldn’t see this coming) is my mom. She said that she would go along with whatever we choose, but that she and her side of the family might be uncomfortable. Basically, “Let’s just say it’s not my first choice”. Although she and my step mom are friendly, and she’s civil with my dad after 15 years divorced, it has at times been very bitter between the two of them.
Is it unreasonable to go ahead and plan the wedding at my dad’s?
Post # 3
- Wedding: June 2015 - Thorpewood
To be honest, I don’t think it’s unreasonable. My parents are currently getting divorced so there’s some hostility there but I know that they would put it aside for my wedding day. Even if it wasn’t at your dad’s house, your parents would still have to be in fairly close contact on your wedding day so I don’t know why it would matter all that much.
She said she would go along with what you chose, so…if this is what you want you should go for it!
Post # 4
not unreasonable – it’s your wedding day. go with what you want! and I wonder if maybe prior to it, you could all meet up at your dad’s place with your mom there, maybe that would help her be more comfortable in that setting. I can see why she’s not 100% happy with it, but it’s truly up to you and sounds really nice. I’m sure if your mom goes there with you and sees it, she’ll understand why you want it be there. (Plus the small matter of the thousands of dollars it will probably save you by having it there!)
Post # 5
I really dont think its unreasonable to plan your wedding there. Its outside, its beautiful, and its a venue you dont have to pay for. I just feel like its not like you are asking your mom and her family to come to a nice intamate dinner party in their home. You are outside, and there will be people their that they know. They should just go along with whatever you are planning at this point. I dont see it being a huge deal, I mean they have been divorced for 15 years, Im sure they can get along for you for a few hours.
Post # 6
I can understand why your moms side wouldn’t want it there. They will be together no matter where the wedding is but technically having it on your dads property makes it “his” territory. I don’t think you are being selfish for wanting it there but I’m just saying I can understand where your moms side is coming from.
Post # 7
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. My parents are divorced, but they’ve still been able to be and act like adults. My Darling Husband mother is like this though, and gets like this (or tries to) when it comes to Darling Husband dad and stepmom.
My thing is.. especially with as long as it’s been, your mom and family need to kinda just get over themselves and go along with what works for everyone.
I’m not one to take heart issues ligthly, but in cases like this.. well it’s not about what works for or makes your mom “comfortable”.. it YOUR wedding, and she needs to work out whatever she needs to work out so that the day can be focused in the right direction.. the marriage of you and your FH.
Post # 8
I can also understand where your mom is coming from. My parents are divorced and my dad is remarried, and is much more wealthy than my mom. He has offered to host family parties at his house, but I always say no thank you because I just think it would be too hard for my mom. He offered his home for my bridal shower too, but the last thing my mom needed was to be on his turf and have all her friends gawking at his house / wife.
Post # 9
My best friend had a similar situation, all the details where to same except it was a different type of celebration. Her mother was upset because she thought she had “done more” in raising the kids and having a party at the father’s house would put too much of a focus on his relationship with the kids and not give her enough credit. Her solution? Rent an event hall for mucho dinero. Noooope.
Why would her side of the family be uncomfortable? If she’s gracious about it, they will just follow her lead and focus on the real importance of the day, and have a lot of respect for her for it.
Post # 10
The other thing, is that I really don’t think my mom’s side of the family would be uncomfortable. In fact, my uncle and my dad were best friends until the divorce. My mom kind of “forbade” her brother from continuing to be friends with my dad. But they still talk every now and then. I think this is my mom’s way of putting more weight behind her preference.
Thanks ladies – and I do understand where she’s coming from, and that it is in fact, not her first choice. But I don’t want to come off as a total jerk for this decision 🙂
Post # 11
@Miss Grey: I definitely see your mom’s side of this. Having it at your dad and step mom’s house makes them look like the hosts. So I totally understand why your mom would feel put off/left out by that.
But I’m sure you can talk to her and help her to understand that this is just what makes the best sense to you and your Fiance and it doesn’t mean that she is any less of an important part of the day.
Post # 12
@Miss Grey: Oh well then I kind of change my mind. If she’s using that as a manipulation technique and its really doesn’t bother her that much, by all means have the wedding at your dads!
Post # 13
@Miss Grey: I think it is fine. They will get along for the sake of your day so it should be what you both want.
Post # 14
I think it’s all about you and they should just learn to get over their differences. Im having the same problem with wanting to all get together and meet before anything happens with the family. But my FH’s parents are divorced and don’t want to all be at the same get together. I dont know why they want to make it about them.
Post # 15
I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all. This is your day and your mom should understand that. Of course, if your mom is willing to foot the bill for a ‘neutral’ location, that could work as well. Otherwise, I say plan it at your father’s house (which sounds lovely) and encourage everyone involved to try to remain focused on what’s important…celebrating your marriage and relationship!
Post # 16
You are definitely not being unreasonable! It’s not like your asking your mom to spend the weekend at your dad’s house. It will be outside and it will be all about you and your hubs. I doubt that your mom’s family will be sitting there the whole time thinking how awkward it is.