Post # 1
Yesterday was the 1 year anniversary of our first date (which was when we first met). I put a lot of thought into my FI’s gift. I got him a necklace that said our names and forever as one (in Slovak cuz that is his heritage). I also got him a book that had all the events that happened in history on our anniversary.
I wasn’t really expecting anything much in return at all cuz I know he doesn’t have a lot of money and we have the wedding to save up for. He didn’t get me anything in return (not even a card) and he asked me for ideas on what he could make me, but didn’t end up making me anything cuz he couldn’t figure out what to make. He took me out on a date and paid for everything there which I really appreciate (and I told him that too), but I feel like it doesn’t feel quite as special cuz it wasn’t something he surprised me with and the date (where to go) was all my idea. I just want us to feel more like a team and when this happens, it doesn’t feel that way. He has disappointed me this way once or twice before, but it blew over quickly cuz they weren’t that important to me. I started thinking of things for us to do on our 1 year anniversary months ago cuz I think it’s the first signifigant anniversary for us so it really sticks out in my mind.
He knows that the day was important to me and that I typically like to celebrate our anniversaries. Am I being selfish for being a little upset/hurt over this? I am sure I will get over this, but I’m just worried that this will happen again in the future. Does your S/O do this too?
Post # 3
I think men in general don’t get caught up in this sort of thing, so you really need to communicate that this is important to you and a way to show that he loves you and cares. Even if it’s not a big deal to him, the fact it’s a big deal to you should mean something to him. But he is NOT a mind-reader and dropping hints never does any good. I would explain to him that it’s important to you to make an effort to put something together – anything – for occasions like this, and make a point that a card and flowers is perfect.
But yeah, if it happens again, you might need to get over it, especially if you love your guy and everything else is perfect. They make COMMERCIALS about guys who forget about anniversaries. 😉 There is a reason for that. Women always put more time and energy into “the little things.” It’s not that he doesn’t love you, it’s just that he’s not wired to think that way. I would just *calmly* talk to him about it and then let it go until next time.
Post # 4
Usually on our anniversaries FI takes me out to a nice dinner (or cooks me a nice dinner at home).
It took my 5 years to also get him to bring me a card and/or flowers.
He always asks me where I want to eat.
He just wants to make sure that I really like where he’s taking me and what he’s doing.
You didn’t get “nothing”, you got a nice date as an anniversary present.
Post # 5
I think you might be a little sensitive about this. You got him a couple of great gifts, and even though the day is important, he may be trying to save up something special for an even bigger anniversary like your relationship anniversary, wedding anniversary, etc. Has he done the same thing on your birthday?
Post # 6
Yes mine does.
But… I wrote him a heartfelt letter about why little things he does mean SO much to me and that I know it’s not his first instinct to plan stuff and surprise me, but if maybe heading into our future, he could put some more effort into it that it is something that really makes me happy.
He listened and the first occasion after that talk was VD.
Well, his efforts were amazing. Right down to rose petals and new lingerie and he surprised me with a boudoir shoot 🙂
ETA: His actions have not stopped. He doesn’t write our names in the sky, but he def works a little harder to catch me off guard with stuff
Post # 7
Yeah, FI doesn’t usually spend hours crafting something sentimental. I guess it’s not in his DNA. Lol. In his defense though he has figured out that he can’t go wrong with jewelery. That said, he usually takes me out for an outrageously nice dinner (which has to be one of my favorite things in the world to do) and takes care of everything for the night. Sure it’s the same thing every time, but he knows I love it and it means we go do something fun and intimate together rather than just collecting more “stuff”. To me, getting dressed up, spending 3 hours eating great food, drinking great wine and jchatting with the man I love is a great gift in itself.
Post # 8
@2bMrsG: I’m confused. You said you like to celebrate your anniversaries, but you also mentioned that this was the anniversary of your first date. I’m going to assume that your mean it’s your actual anniversary of when you started dating that you wanted to celebrate, but that leaves me puzzled as to what other annivarsaries you have to celebrate then… Are you celebrating month anniversaries? If so, I imagine it may just be that he’s fatigued from constantly celebrating. Guys are simple creatures and once a year is hard enough for them without complicating matters by adding in extra celebratory days.
Post # 8
Thanks for the advice. I do plan on having a talk with him about this later. Perhaps he doesn’t realize just how important it is to me and he’s not seeing it the way that I do. It isn’t that I want a gift really. It is moreso that I would like him to actively participate in the relationship so I can feel like I’m not putting forth all the effort when we plan dates.
If he would surprize me with something then a card or especially something that he made for me would have been the best. I just feel sad cuz I don’t feel like he thought I was worth that much effort (and it didn’t require a lot of effort). He isn’t very good at communicating things to me much of the time (which can be frustrating for me cuz it feels like I do a lot of the communicating). He never really told me that he was going to pay for the date ahead of time. I had to come out and ask him (which didn’t seem right for me to have to do).
I know he loves me, he just has a different way of showing it and that’s really tough for me to adjust to. It has been 1 year and I am still not used to his way of expressing love. Plus, we’re making the ultimate commitment and getting married in 5 months so naturally I think a lot about our future together including things we both need to work on.
Post # 9
I don’t think you’re being selfish, clearly sentimental gift giving is important to you (and I believe it is one of the “love languages”). But it probably isn’t the way your guy shows affection. You need to let him know it is important to you and it would mean a lot to you if he put in some extra effort in this area. Don’t be too hurt though – it clearly wasn’t his intent and he probably thought of the night out as your gift.
Post # 10
@kay01: Yea, it was when we started dating and the day we met as well. We celebrated a few of the month anniversaries, but certainly not every month! I think we celebrated the first 3 months and then we did something special for our 6 month anniversary. I still think the 1 year anniversary is the first major anniversary and so I had placed a lot on it emotionally.
MrsH1010 For my birthday last year he did get me a nice necklace and a cool ice cube tray, but I still suggested where to go for our date. He also got me lots of nice gifts for Christmas (his family was always big into Christmas).
Post # 11
He’s being very honest with you this is how it’s going to be, this is his norm this is his comfort level in the gift giving aspect. I think you need to make it clear your expectations about what you would have wanted material wise or not that would have made you head over heels happy. Because right now he thinks what he did do was enough.
Post # 12
@vmec: I don’t think that’s necessarily true cuz I told him this morning that I was a bit hurt/disappointed about it and he told me he felt bad, but didn’t know what he could make for me/buy me. I think that since he’s never had a girlfriend before me and he isn’t really used to relationships that he doesn’t really “get” what sort of stuff to do. Plenty of ideas are available online if he only searches and that is what I have told him in the past. I don’t really feel right telling him exactly what to make or get for me. That takes the surprise factor out completely. I’d like to feel like he is putting forth some of the effort himself in the ideas. My brain feels like it is working overtime with coming up with ideas for everything all the time. I’d just like a break from it once in awhile. Also, he does paint and write so he has artistic talent. He definitely has the ability to come up with things for me if he wanted.
Post # 14
It seems like you have VERY high expectations, which is not a bad thing. It just seems like there is more room for him to screw up then live up. I LOVE my hubby but he is not a huge “lets put 3 months of effort into a gift” kinda guy and I’ve learned to live with that. I doubt he’s going to instantly turn into an awesome gift-giver so I think you need to lower your expectations al little so you dont end up disappointed.
Post # 15
I wouldnt get worked up about it. Its different if he totally forgot and did nothing at all. But he did take you out to dinner. I do understand that it doesnt feel the same as having an actual physical gift that you can hold in your hand, but guys can be like that especially while you are in the midst of wedding planning.