Am I being sensitive or are my in-laws excluding me?

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@Miss Moxy:  “They talked in an intentionally vague way about the engagement party and when I asked when it was, they weren’t sure…..later I found out, from the SIL that it’s this upcoming saturday and they planned it weeks ago. “

That doesn’t sound like bad communicating at all, that sounds like you’re being excluded. From all you have said I think I would be at the point where I just flat out ask what is up, since clearly something is. Maybe your husband can talk to his family and ask what the deal is?

I can understand if that one group was going to SIL’s house, they would expect HER to invite you. Did they think you were invited? Otherwise, it does come off as rude to talk about how much fun they will have without you.

Your husband never feels like he is being excluded?

Post # 4
195 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

That is so messed up. Why wouldn’t they want to make their son’s wife (you) happy? I would ask your mil for a few minutes aside (not at work) and let her know “Hey, I feel like you are purposely excluding us and it affects our family dynamic. It upsets me so much that I am not getting the support from you now that my family is so far, I need to understand WHY this is happening and what can I do to help fix this?”

Post # 5
284 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@Miss Moxy:  the engagement party being planned and kept from you is,frankly insulting,i definately dont think you are being over sensative 

im not sure though that the problem is actually you as a person,she is doing this to her own son,you just happen to be married to him!

i think she sounds like the type of woman that is fickle as and when it suits. one month one person will be the favourite,next month that will change. with an upcoming engagement its clear who the flavour of the month is

have seen lot of  FMIL stories lately and cant help but read them and change the word ‘future’ (mother in law)  to something entirely different beginning with F!!! 

Post # 6
7030 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I agree something is messed up – they were lying to you about the engagement party.

I agree with @BriansBride:  ‘s suggestion. I think your husband, rather than you, should confront them, saying something like:

“Why did you lie to us about the engagement party? Moxy asked and you said you weren’t sure when it was. Now it turns out it’s this Saturday. What’s going on?”

They’re your husband’s family. He knows them, let him decide who he should ask.

Post # 7
2062 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1987

Families are very strange and people can behave badly and exclude one person while welcoming another.  This can be a subtle form of undermining and so you quite rightly feel unhappy about it.

The real problem is that you cannot change them and their behaviour.  You can only change you and how you feel about their behaviour.

Talk to your husband and how he feels about the situation.  If you both feel excluded this is much better than just one of you being excluded because you can at least present a united front. 

Decide what you want to do about the situation.  Do you want to say to everyone that you feel excluded?  Do you want to ask them why they have excluded you?  Do you want them to apologize?  Do you want them to behave differently in future?  What will you do if there is no change? 

The problem is that when people are caught doing something wrong they don’t always change their ways and so you may have to put your energies into other relationships instead.  Maybe you need to increase the number of visits to your own family.  Maybe you need to increase the amount of time that you spend with friends.  Maybe you need new hobbies and interests. 

I think that you really need to search for a new job as soon as possible so that your relationship with your MIL is only a personal relationship and not a work relationship. 

Post # 9
9526 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Yeah, that sounds like a sucky situation. I would be upset as well. But I don’t think the question should be “am I being excluded?”, I think the question should be “What should I do about this?”. The answer to that question is to reach out to them. Don’t wait for them to invite you to things. Plan your own things and invite them. That’s how you build a relationship. It may take some time, but I think it would work. 

Post # 10
3514 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@Miss Moxy:  That’s sooo messed up! I hope things get better and that you can all talk and figure out what the issue is because that’s unfair to you and your husband!

Post # 11
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Ever since FI and I got engaged, this is happening with his family as well. For some reason, we never get asked to do anything.

Post # 12
3769 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

My husband is defintely excluded when it comes to things with his family. It sucks and feels pretty hurtfull sometimes. But part of it comes from my DH being similar to yours, he will go months without talking to his mom just because he doesn’t think to call her. It then offends her that he doesn’t take the time, and so eventually they just quit talking to each very often. Maybe this is how your ILs feel about your DH and got tierd of putting more effort in than him.

Post # 13
2992 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Yes, you are being excluded. Personally, I would have some social functions and exclude them, but I can be petty like that. Seriously, you DH should confront his family. Just because he doesn’t care for social functions it   does not mean that you feel the same way.

Post # 14
944 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Miss Moxy:  no. you are certainly being excluded and it obviously doesn’t feel good to be around people who make you feel this way. How childish– grabbing ppl by name to come dance! I wouldn’t befriend these type of ppl if you paid me to.

Post # 16
4760 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Miss Moxy:  they all sound like complete pricks.  It is especially weird since it seems that they must have all gotten together and agreed to exclude you gys, otherwise you’d think at least one would be inclusive.  This makes no sense.

I would stop bothering, if you guys want to move away, that would prob be best.  Or just give them a big F-U and stop going to their events and being the victim.  Just cancel on them last minute.  Treat them like they treat you like shit.  It will prob not change anyting but at least you will feel better.

Oh and quit your job ASAP.  That cannot be healthy.

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