Post # 1
I recently got a job and it’s pretty intense. I work out of the office the 2nd and 4th week of the month and I travel the 1st and 3rd week of the month. I’m still training so I haven’t started traveling but the places on my travel list this year range from Tokyo, London, and Sydney, to Cleveland, Philly, and San Francisco -so pretty much everywhere. On the days I have to be in the office I have to be there by the latest 7:30 and I’m there until at least 5. I am currently commuting 2 hours each way to work, leaving at 5:30 in the morning and getting home at 7 at night. Forget working out. I’m too exhausted -bring on the fat.
When I got engaged last year, my Fiance and I agreed that he would put his condo up for sale so we could move to the more suburban part of DC because we’re both older and had grown out of needing to live right near the nightlife and downtown, and the costs did not outweigh the benefits. We currently live in Arlington. He contacted a realtor last July and he put a sign on our door, but as I’ve said in previous threads, the realtor said the place wasn’t ‘ready for show’ and needed to be fixed up. I fixed up the place so it is now in sellable condition. The sign is still up, but the place is not for sale. I’m mentally and physically exhausted already and have not even begun my travel portion of my job so over the weekend I went to look at apartments in a more suburban area (Fairfax for the DC bees on here) so that my commute would be shorter and he didn’t object to me going. He works in Tysons, so I figured Fairfax is a fair split -Arlington isn’t convenient for either of us.
Last night, when I sat down and presented the apartments to him, he told me it’s not financially in his best interest to sell his condo and become a renter even though he needs to and will continue to need to invest a lot of money into the condo (i.e. we currently do not have a stove, the air conditioning unit’s broken), he refuses to be a landlord, and called me selfish for wanting to move and that people commute to Ashburn from the city every day and never complain so why did I need to be so demanding. I told him that this location is not convenient to either of our jobs, the property was in need of thousands of $’s in renovations, he essentially lied to me about wanting to put it on the market (which is what really pisses me off), and that a 2bd/2bth renting would be $500 less than what he’s paying for his mortgage on his 1bd/1bth condo.
So, I’m moving. If I continue to commute 2 hours and then start doing my 2 weeks of travel out of IAD each week, it’s going to burn me out and negatively impact not only my health, but my job performance and at this point, that is what I feel is most important at this stage in my life. He says he’s staying here because it’s stupid for him to sell a place he owns and that I need to grow up and stop playing the victim card.
I personally don’t feel I’m being unreasonable here and I know this type of thing has to have come up in other couple’s relationships. What is the solution in these types of scenarios? Separate living quarters? We’ve had so many ups and downs since our engagement, I’m starting to wonder if this is another hint that he’s not the one and I should look at this new job and new apt as a fresh start because he’s never going to budge.
Post # 3
Well, regarding the financial side he could be right. How long has he owned his condo? With the economy the way it is now, he could take a huge hit if he sold right now. Do you know what he paid, how much he still owes, and how much similar condos are selling for in the area? Also taking into account that his condo needs some work done on it. Many people who bought in the last few years, myself included, are upside down on the mortgage. I could never sell right now even though renting would be cheaper.
With that said, it sounds like you guys should have talked about all this a long time ago. I remember your other posts and it sounds like you are on two different pages about what you see for the future. Many couples do live apart during the week for work, and then get together on the weekends. But it’s tough and it’s usually a temporary solution.
It sounds like you guys need to talk through a little more about what you both hope and expect for the future-including living arrangements.
Post # 4
@ananeele: So I’m assuming your wedding date is incorrect then?
I would move. He isn’t willing to budge and is being stubborn. Relationships are all about compromise and he is digging his heels in the mud.
The fact that you are thinking it’s another hint, also has me thinking, that you know this relationship may not be the best for you. Start living for yourself and see if he follows along behind you. If he doesn’t it may be time to move on entirely.
Post # 5
@Bostongrl25: He bought for $165,000 in 2003 and a condo 100 sq feet smaller than his with the same amenities sold for $209,900 last month. His realtor said he could probably sell for around $215,000 and a condo half the size of his is currently on the market for $214,000 in the same complex and that has no amenities either so it would make his place look like a steal. Being within a mile of the Pentagon and 2 miles of DC has actually made the property values increase here. He’s paying a 5 3/4% APR and I recommended he refinance and rent it out (half our neighbors are renting and pay over $1500 a month) but he says that is absolutely not an option.
@mwitter80: Ya. That was our original wedding date we had booked. We haven’t reset the new one.
Post # 6
@ananeele: I second mtwitter’s advice. I would work towards finding a place in Fairfax (or even closer to DC) and move, with or without him.
I’ve done commuting and it’s torturous. Mine was anywhere from 45 mins to 2 hours depending on traffic and weather, and I hated it. I was tired and never got anything done – gym, housework, etc. Fiance and I moved, and I am a million times happier.
Not only is it hurting your health and work performance, as you say, it is also damaging your relationship – it leaves you very little time to be together. I understand his financial concerns, but he should’ve brought that up earlier when you first discussed moving.
Move on your own – if it’s a priority to him, he’ll find a way to either follow you or take steps to see you as often as possible.
Post # 7
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.
Post # 8
@ananeele: Oh ok, well that changes things then.
Like a PP said, relationships are about compromise. It sounds like he isn’t willing to work on finding a solution at all, and that isn’t fair to you. Like you said, right now you should be focusing on your new career and all the exciting things you have ahead of you. Commuting that far SUCKS. I did it for close to a year and it seriously to a toll on me emotionally, physically, and financially. Like you said, I was exhausted when I came home and didnt have time to work out, eat healthy or even just relax. It was awful and for me, it wasn’t worth it.
I think you two should really have a serious convo. But if he isn’t willing to compromise then you need to do what is best for yourself in this situation.
Post # 9
Thanks guys for making me feel like I’m the sane one here. I actually took it a step further last night (something I hadn’t shared). Like I said, we’ve had our ups and downs since we got engaged so I also put a big ole ultimatum on him too. As I said in a previous post, our original wedding date was cancelled and we’ve never reset the date since I cancelled everything after the mom fiasco so we’ve kind of just been in limbo for the last few months not moving anywhere.
Last night I basically put my foot down and told him that he’s welcome to move with me as I move forward in my career/life and we can move forward together. It doesn’t have to be the same time, but if he wants to come after he sells his place or rents it out, the door is open. But, if he wants to stay in his place and continue to live there, I’m still going to move forward with my career and my life. And, while we’ll still be together, I will take that as a sign that he isn’t interested in our relationship moving forward so I will consider our engagement to be null and void and our relationship will be an open one. I gave him until the day I signed my lease to make a decision. If I sign a 1 bedroom alone, that will mean we are officially in an open relationship and he chose that and will have to live with that decision. I’m not sure if it’s upsetting or disgusting that I’m even having a discussion with him about choosing to stay in his condo over moving forward with me.
Post # 10
All I wanted to say is good for you! Sometimes you need to do what is best for you and I hope that he comes to his senses and realises what is going on! Good luck and you can do it!
Post # 11
Good decision 🙂 I can’t even imaging commuting from Pentagon to Ashburn every day… that sounds like pure torture. Your SO should be cooking you three-course gourmet meals every night. As MissBri said, I hope he comes to his senses!
Post # 12
My FH’s grandparents live in Chevy Chase neighborhood (in DC, not the town in Maryland) and commuting ANYWHERE is a PITA. I could not imagine a 2 hour commute each way. When I had a 1 hr commute for 3 weeks (before I transferred jobs) I thought I was dying…I think you should do what is best for you. It doesn’t sound like he is very concerned for what is best for the both of you–he has plenty of options as you have laid them out for us….good luck dear. Stay strong!
Post # 13
First your new job sounds cool with all the traveling.I would totally love that.Maybe he will choose to rent out his condo and you two can purchase some real estate together.The four hours of driving on top of working all day would get old really fast.I think your plan is a good one. Move and hopefully he will be willing to compromise.I bet he will miss you big time.Good luck!
Post # 14
Oh wow, that sounds really rough. Yeah, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. Especially considering that you’re not saying “Let’s move closer to just my job” but “Let’s move somewhere more convenient to both our jobs”. And I get that letting go of a house can be difficult, but not getting to spend basically any time with each other or even at home is just not functional.
At one point, I was looking at a potential job about an hour and 45 minutes away, and Fiance and I agreed that I would need to get some sort of housing in that city to use during the week. Not ideal, but a fix, and that would not have been a permanent job either.
Post # 15
I agree with other bees…and good for you for putting your foot down!! 2hrs is a ridiculous commute. You tried to compromise, he lied and said he was going to compromise…but DIDN’T. I look forward to seeing what he says, so please keep us updated! I really hope he figures it out, but if he doesn’t…well, I guess there’s someone EVEN BETTER out there for you 🙂
Post # 16
My BFF and her husband had to make the decision to live separately and see each other on the weekend due to his HELLACIOUS commute. It was a great job opportunity, but my BFF had a job that she could not leave. It sucked to be apart (her living in the house and he had to get an apartment). They did it for a few months. Her job transfer finally came through and as of yesterday she started! They are now getting to function as a normal couple, going to bed with the spouse every night. It was hard, but something they had to do temporarily… they AGREED to do it together. Sounds like you are on your own. I think there’s not time like the present to keep it moving. If he loves you, hopefully he’ll catch up and it can work out.