Post # 1
Okay.. its a long story so bear with me!!
I just married the most amazing guy (2 weeks ago!!) and I am in the best place of my life I have ever been. My job is great, we are buying a house.. my husband is the most amazing person in the world and truly treats me like a princess… and I am truly happy! But of course.. I have a past.. and one that includes a serious ex bf and a lot of drama and baggage.
I fell madly in love with my ex and agreed to move in with him after he begged and begged and assured me we would spend the rest of our lives together.. and that he would add my name to the house (i was worried about moving into his house and if we ever broke up.. where would I go). We lived together for several months and I really thought this was the man I was going to marry. My parents took out a home equity loan against their house for us to combine all our debt into one payment (both our student loans and credit card debt and stuff.. totalling almost 20 thousand). I eventually found out that he was not being faithful and was sending raunchy emails to a coworker and meeting her for happy hour etc… I begged and begged him to stop talking to her (yes, i was that girl) and pratically begged him to love me. He swore he wouldnt talk to her anymore.. but he never stopped… then I found out about a girl he hooked up wit while he was on a golfing trip.. blah blah blah. I had sooo much invested in the relationship.. and i was in that "obsessed love" state.. that i just kept begging him to stop. eventually he started getting abusive and finally it ended in a huge physical fight that left me with bruises everywhere… I told him it was over but needed time to find a place to move.. instead he kicked me out that same night… I ended up having to move my stuff to storage and live on a friends couch until I had money saved to get an apartment. I tried to get money from him to pay for his part of the debt for the loan my parents got us.. and he refused to pay.. so 3 years later i am still paying $400 a month for his stupid bills. Can you tell I’m bitter??
Now to the point of the story!! my husband and I finally found our "couple". You know that couple that you both get along with and can do everything with… we loved them soo much.. until I found out she was friends with my ex’s sister and was now starting to hang out with them all the time. She posts pics to her facebook of her and her husband and my ex and his gf.. and it just makes me sooo sick to my stomach… she wants to be friends .. but I honestly cant be friends with them knowing she is friends with my ex… it brings back so many memories and pain…
Am i being childish?? Should i let it go? I dont want to say "im not going to be your friend if your his friend" but thats how i feel… it hurts me so much..
Post # 3
does she know the story? maybe just ask that she doesnt mention them when you are together, dont look at those pictures….
Post # 4
Wow. that’s a sticky situation. Im so sorry that you have had to go through so much, but I am applaud you for getting out of that relationship!!!!!! WooHoo!!!
Also congrats on your recent marriage….
Personally I don’t think it is childish. When I left my ex husband I cut ties to anyone that knew him. Just the other day my FH and I ran into a couple that my ex and I use to hang out with. Needless to say all I said was hi (only b/c they said hi first) and didn’t introduce my FH (my ex has a problem with stalking me)
SO I would not call it childish.. I totally understand wanting to severe all ties to ppl that know your ex. Could you explain how you feel to your husband? Maybe he would be able to understand and you guys could discuss whats going on…
What do you think of counseling? It may be good for you to talk to someone else about your feels
Post # 5
Bummer. I think you have to do what feels right. You can’t help how you feel. But you’rewise not to come forth and blurt it out so blatantly. I would think the biggest problem would be at some point running in to your ex. Maybe the friend will have a Christmas party or something.
Could you just play it by ear? If you get together casually, maybe you’ll develop a relationship where you all won’t be involved with your other friendship circles. If it ever comes up, could you just mention to her that he’s your ex, and you’d prefer not to be around him? Is your husband beefy? Maybe he could pop the guy in the jaw a few times as payback. (Sorry, that just slipped out. Violence is not the answer.) I’m not sure if I’d hold it against the couple for hanging out with him. Maybe they don’t know his past.
And as for the bills, is there a way to check out your legal options? It seems really unfair that you are paying for his debt.
Post # 6
I wonder if with time, it will hurt less and it won’t bother you so much that she is friends with your ex. Does she talk about him all the time? Because that does seem odd. I think it’s easy enough to say "him and I had a bad history so I’d prefer not to talk about him" and then change the subject. If she is such a great friend, she will be sensitive and understand. If not, then she’s probably not that great of a friend!
My husband and I have actually found that making couple friends is much easier than making single friends. So definitely get out there, be social, go and meet friends of friends, etc…for some reason, as a married couple, the new friends that we meet tend to always be married, engaged, or long term couples. So don’t be discouraged! But definitely don’t pull the ultimatum. I understand that you are hurt but you cannot expect a friend who didn’t go through the same thing you did to hate your ex the same way.
You’re a very strong person for having been through all that – congrats on finding your amazing husband. You deserve all the happiness in the world.
Post # 7
I think that your feelings toward your ex’s sister’s friend are really indicative of how much you’re still holding on to this relationship. It sounds like it was really painful (physically, emotionally, and psychologically) and that those wounds still haven’t healed. Hell, if I had gone through what you have gone through, I’d have a lot of baggage left over, too!
Honestly, though, it might be time that you start looking for some help in healing those past relationship wounds. I don’t know how long ago this relationship was, but if it makes you sick to your stomach to hang out with people who even know your ex, I would venture a guess that your baggage is affecting other parts of your life, too. I came from a relationship with a cheater before meeting my Fi, and I can say that it’s taken almost the whole 4.5 years of our relationship for me to get over the fact that this one ISN’T going to hurt me like my ex did. I can only imagine it would be like 20 times worse if I had been physically hurt, too.
My suggestion might be to start into counseling. It seems like there are a lot of feelings from this relationship that you haven’t dealt with. If it were me, I would also contact a lawyer about getting my money out of that scumbag. If you have any kind of written agreement about the loan and subsequent payments, take him to court. Even if you only had a verbal agreement, you might have some kind of legal retaliation if you were on the house title at any point. I guess my main concern, though, is that this presumably happened years ago and you are still hurting from it. That’s not a good sign. If it really pains you just to think about your friend having any connection to your ex, I think it’s ok to distance yourself from her while you deal with your own issues. Who knows? It might be that you can eventually be friends with her, but you need to heal from these wounds first.
Good luck! And know that we’re all here for you through this tough time!
Post # 8
My husband knows the whole story… and being the amazing person that he is.. totally agrees not to hang out the this couple anymore. (She knows the story of what happened with the ex, she found out when she invited me to an arbonne party and I noticed the ex’s sister was on the list too.. so I told her the story and why I couldn’t attend…) I just feel like a 5th grader and wanna scream… "they are my friends not yours leave them alone you cant have them!!" hahahaha
I think i’m just in shock because I knew she was friends with the ex’s sister.. but since she knew what happend with the ex.. I figured she would respect me and not hang with him…
and then today went to leave her a comment on her facebook and saw a posted pic of her, her husband and my ex… my heart stopped for a min =(
Post # 9
I definitely don’t think it sounds childish.
I also think what level of comfort you might have w.r.t. hearing/knowing anything about your ex is a pretty personal thing and there’s no right answers. A friend of mine who was in a fairly drawn out abusive relationship really, really couldn’t move on until she moved thousands of miles away and was in a situation that she will pretty much never hear from him or know anything about him. So I’m just saying, I think it’s completely reasonable that even seeing a photo or two of him occasionally might not feel good, and it’s not at all immature to choose not to subject yourself to that.
Regarding what to do, I think it’s up to you how much/what you want to tell your new friend. You could tell her the whole story, or just enough to let her know it’s a bad part of your past that you don’t want a reminder of. And then see what happens. For all you know, she may voluntarily say that she will stop hanging out with him (if I found something like that about a friend of mine, I would)…or she may find some other way to make sure you are never confronted with reminders of him. But I don’t htink you need to present her a solution, just let her know where you are coming from. And hopefully you will find something that works for you. And I also agree, with "emilee", there are other couples out there to be friends with too.
Good luck with all this, and I’m sorry that you have to deal with such a painful memory so soon after your marriage. Please remember to love how far you’ve come!
Post # 10
Wow, you have a lot to deal with! Tangentially running into your ex is very hard. However, I don’t think you need to stop being friends with these friends because they are friends with your ex. First, it sounds like the ex is more in the circle of friends via the friendship with the sister than someone who they directly sought out. Maybe that makes their relationship with him less damning, because it’s by association. Second, people can change a lot from situation to situation and person to person. Your ex hurt you, badly, but hopefully he has some good qualities too, right? The kind of qualities that might make him an okay casual friend for your friends to have? What I’m saying is that while he might be totally toxic to you, he might be fine for them, in this particular group friendship context (they’re not dating him and living with him, like you were, for one).
I do think it’s totally legit that you don’t want anything to do with your ex, including hearing about or seeing him in passing. But rather than cutting these friends out of your life or asking that they cut him out of their lives, why don’t you just pay attention to who’s coming to big social events and modify your facebook settings? You can still hang out with these friends as a couple, right? Ask that they not mention him to you. And can you block any information about your ex from your facebook feed? You could also hide the facebook feeds of your friends in question, just to avoid any related pictures or information about your ex from coming up (not unfriend, just hide. You wouldn’t even have to tell them you’re doing this). People can be friends in real life without being friends on facebook. Wouldn’t the sacrifice of a facebook feed about these friends be worth being able to stay friends with them in real life? I wouldn’t want my friends’ association with someone I didn’t like to sour me on them, and it sounds like you don’t either. Maybe thinking of it this way will help you reconcile that.
Post # 11
That is upsetting-I do think you need to resolve your feelings about your ex. The opposite of love isn’t hate-it’s indifference. I dont think it’s a good idea to care about what anyone is doing (except your hubby.)I mean this in the nicest way.