(Closed) Am I being too foolish/naive?

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

  Mr. S & I started talking about being married and having kids very early on. We hadn’t known each other before but once I realized that there were still good guys and I didn’t want to miss out on him it didn’t take long. He took me 6 hours on a weekend trip to meet his mom before we’d even been together 4 months. We were together 2 years before he proposed (we were still in college when we met & then moved 12 hours away the next year). But after dating about 2 months there was no doubt in my mind. There have been fights and we have had to deal with the stress of a large move, not living near anyone we know, financial difficulty, balancing new careers with our lives. We are both now 24.       So no I don’t think you are too young or it is premature thinking. If you know then you know. And it is very exciting to find the person you want to spend the rest of  your life loving. You may have to wait a little bit to become engaged. Embrace it, learn about each other. Discuss serious things so it isn’t a surprise. Take this time to enjoy every little thing.

Post # 4
Member
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I’m right there with you. My FI and I had been best friends for a year and a half before we got together…and four months later, we were engaged. It was just right. He’s older than me- 28- (I’m 23) but we both knew from the get-go that we were in it for the long-term. We’ve been together about nine months now and are living together- I had my doubts at first, because I don’t necessarily believe in soul mates either, but everything about him is just…right.

Don’t worry about trying to make it to some imaginary socially acceptable number of months before you feel like you can talk about these kinds of things. I told myself for years that I would never get engaged until I had been dating someone for two years, but sometimes it just doesn’t take long to figure out that this is it for you, and you want this now, and you’ll want this ten, twenty, and fifty years from now.

The best of luck to you!

Post # 5
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Relax – it defintely won’t hurt you to give it time. It’s not a race to the altar once you fall in love and feel ‘ready’, just enjoy each other’s company for a while. If it makes you feel better/less anxious, establish a timeline in your head about how long you realistically think you can wait to be engaged or married. It is still fun to talk about weddings, but don’t let it dominate your relationship. Go volunteer for a charity together, plan a vacation, or go visit a friend. Take the focus off the two of you.

I knew my fiance and had dated him years before we got together this last time. I knew he was the one, but wanted to let things happen slowly adn did all the things I just recommended for you. We took our time, got to know each other better (you always can, trust me!) and in the meanwhile I quietly established a timeline that I felt comfortable ‘dating’ before getting a ring. I don’t regret a minute of it, even though I felt a little liike you described, that I didn’t feel it was ‘official’ until I had a ring, I am so glad things worked out like they did. 

Post # 6
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

My fiance and I knew within the first few months that this was "it". We started talking about marriage at around 5 months and at around 8 or 9 months we started looking at rings. By the time we got officially engaged, we were together a little over a year. And I did start planning before I had the ring! We’ve had a more stressfull (family, financially, job loss) year this year than we did the first year together and it has just brought us togther rather than tear us apart.

When you know, you know. I would have married my fiance a year ago.

Post # 7
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

FH and I started talking about marriage about two months in (we were only 21 and 20) but didn’t actually get engaged until just over two years. You guys have known each other for awhile and with serious relationships before, you probably have a better idea now of what each of you wants in a partner so I don’t think you are getting ahead of yourself there.

Like Mrs. Starfish said, "If you know then you know." Every couple is different in regards to what time frames are right for them. I think the only way to try and clear up not feeling "locked in" is to take some personal time think about why you are feeling that way and talk to Mr. V about it. Enjoy the time before you are engaged though, best wishes!

Post # 8
Member
446 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2007

So, I know you guys have known each other for a while, and have been dating for 3 months, but I think you need to take a step back, stop worrying and enjoy yourself! My husband and I talked about what we’d like to do for our wedding as well early on, but we didn’t get engaged until we were dating 2 years. Knowing that you’re with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with is a great feeling, so enjoy it! You don’t have to be engaged to know you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. Some of the bees on here have even gotten married without any formal "proposal" from their FHs. So, my advice is to sit back, relax, and enjoy your relationship right now! Everything will come in time…and it’s obvious the two of you care a lot for each other…so it’s only a matter of time before you’re full fledged planning!

Post # 9
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think it’s great that you acknowledge the stage you are at. A relationship at 3 months is a lot different than at a year, and being only 23, what’s a few more months, right? But you’ve known each other, so you already have a head start! It’s nice to talk about it though and know you’re on the same page.

I know some people know right away–I have a friend like that. I also have a friend who thought her bf was the world until they hit 4 years and suddenly, he was boring and she was just like, tired of him. So, what’s a little bit more time when you’re talking about the rest of your life, right? That’s just my opinion. I’m no risk-taker and even when I "knew", I wanted a year of "knowing" i wanted to marry DH so the novelty could wear off. I’m also incredibly factual and analytical, which really came into play. 

If you don’t feel like it’s "locked in" yet because there isn’t a ring, then hold off on the super serious stuff until the next step is upon you, and in the meantime, enjoy your new relationship. After all, you know where it’s going. 

You’ll have lots of ladies here tell you that they made the jump and are happier and closer for it. But in reality, that doesn’t always work out. I mean, how many people do you know that said "oh we got married too quick?" I know more people who have had THAT happen than have been happily married after only a short courtship. 

I’m not trying to be a debbie downer, I"m just trying to be realistic and ask you "what’s 6 more months?" I mean, if you’re paranoid about it not working out, that tells me you aren’t sure yet and you need more time. You love each other, sure, but have you really dealt with the curveballs life throws you yet? There’s just a lot that will come your way in the first year and you might feel more comfortable tackling those issues first, without a ring. I know too many people with broken engagements so I’m a little jaded. 

Post # 10
Member
1956 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Tannery Pond at the Darrow School

I think it’s wonderful you’ve found someone you’re so happy with and can talk about sharing the rest of your lives together.

My FI and I knew deep down within a month or two of dating that this is where we wanted to end up.  HOWEVER, we took over 4 years before getting engaged and I think it is important to not rush into an engagement, especially for being pretty young.

My personal advice is to take at least a year before getting officially engaged. It’s great to talk about the wedding and planning because it shows thats what you both envision for your future.  But people and circumstances change all the time and dating for 3 months, no matter how close you are or how well you know someone, seems really quick to get engaged. 

I say enjoy what sounds to be like an amazing relationship, relish the fact that you’ve hopefully found your future husband and see how you feel in 6 month to a year…

Post # 11
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

My husband and I started talking marriage after dating for about two months (and knowing eachother for about two months—we were 23 and 28, respectively). You can "know" very early. In fact, I think most couples know quite early that they’re going to get married, most just take a little longer to get engaged and get married. We got engaged at 11 months and married 7 months after that. It was fast, probably a little too fast in retrospect….but we really wanted it, so we did it.

Here’s some questions to ask yourself: What does being married mean to you? How do you imagine your life being different (or not) once you are married? Think about it both in general, and in regards to your boyfriend. Ask him too, and for sure you will get lots of advice here on whether your expectations will bear fruit :).

I really wanted to be married too. I think getting married around the two-year mark of a relationship is a great timeline. It allows you to get to really know the other person through all the seasons of a year, but not spend forever waiting for it to happen. I would try to hold off the actual wedding planning until you’re actually engaged though, since it seems like it’s making you nervous to plan without a ring on your finger (and understandably so!). There will be plenty of time for planning. So if you must read weddingbee (and I understand how you must), just try to keep yourself from getting carried away too much right now or you’ll drive yourself crazy by getting ahead of yourself. πŸ™‚  

Congrats that you’ve found someone so wonderful for you!

Post # 12
Member
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

hello! I’m 24 and have been with my man for SEVEN (sheesh) count them, SEVEN years. High School Sweethearts! Anyways, He was my best friend for a few years before we started dating and then once we were together I was crazy in love with him. (Of course I’m still in love with him today!) However, even though I knew I could marry this man, when we first started dating, marriage seemed so… final! (I was a lot younger than you too though, when we got together!). It took a few years and even up until the past two years for me to be like, ok, i’m ready! I think at our age, it’s fine to wait a little while. There’s nothing wrong with just wondering about the "what if’s" Also – I know about the anticipation. I’ve been waiting for 5 months for a ring.. sigh.. and even though I know that everything is awesome in our relationship, I still get a little nervous that he’s not going to do it, or blah blah blah. If you know in your heart he’s THE ONE then you’re going to be fine! Keep us updated πŸ™‚

Post # 14
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I’m glad that you’re feeling a little less anxious.  I also knew my FI for many years before we started dating, though we were not close friends.  We started LD, so we immediately talked about whether we thought the relationship had potential.  And then wedding-related stuff just came up occasionally (very early).  FI always jokes that the day he decided to marry me was the day we met (4 years before we started dating), but he was playing hard to get πŸ˜‰ 

The PP have great advice, so I wont’ repeat.

One thing I did want to say is that before you are engaged the pressure-free environment in which you can discuss both a hypothetical wedding and a hypothetical marriage is really wonderful.  I think you end up hashing a lot of things out in a way where the stakes aren’t so high.  So don’t stop yourself from enjoying that!

Post # 15
Member
7054 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

T and I knew from about six months on together that we were altar bound.  He and I shared similar life goals, and wanted the same kind of relationship.  He stated early on he was the "marrying kind of guy".

We’ve been together a little over a year and a half now.  Marriage talk for over a year now btw. 

I think you CAN just know it’s going to be the one.  That it will be the relationship to go the distance.  But don’t think you have to postpone beginning your life waiting for a ring and a wedding.  Start now!

Even as a single woman, I began saving my money for my home someday with or without a man at my side!  The mindset of waiting for this or that before marriage is to me, not an issue anymore and not something I consider.  Start going for those goals now!  And when you two do marry, it will be even better and easier. 

Post # 16
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Sounds like you got yourself a good plan. There’s something to be said about enjoying the meal right in front of you, and not thinking about the next one, right?

 

The topic ‘Am I being too foolish/naive?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors