(Closed) Am I being too judgemental?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Am I being Judgemental
    Yes, get off his back and support your man! : (3 votes)
    11 %
    No, Give him a swift kick in the arse! : (25 votes)
    89 %
  • Post # 3
    1207 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2009

    I would have a conversation with him about his hopes and dreams for his future, but I would leave judgement at the door.  When you really hate your job and you feel stuck, someone harping on that is going to become annoying really quick. I know, I was there.  I would suggest to him to start sending out resumes and applying for other jobs in his free time.  If he can find a job that’s even a little better than the one he has now then he would probably be a happier person.  Also, maybe suggest he takes an aptitude test to see what he DOES like to do.  If he finds something he likes he may be more willing to think about going back to school.  Does he have any hobbies or activities he esp likes to do during his free time?  That may also give you/him an idea.

    Post # 4
    6661 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2010

    He’s allowed to have dreams, but he also needs to be realistic. Everyone wants to get rich quick, but reality is that it just doesn’t happen. Most of us work at jobs that aren’t our ‘dream’ jobs, but give us self respect as we put food on the table and provide shelter. Tell him that he’s allowed to have hobbies, but he has to get real about his career if you two are going to build a future together.

    Post # 5
    327 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2000

    I don’t know that either of the options really answers or solves the problem. I don’t think it’s too judgemental. My ex was a music teacher for 6 years, then went back to school after bouncing around for two years in dead end jobs. He’s now taken out loans for the last 4 years and gotten three different degrees (all around counseling and school things). He still doesn’t know what he wants to do and is going to be entering a tough field to find a job with a lot of loans.

    His indecisiveness and inability to make a committment to anything, including me, is what ended our relationship.

    Maybe some job counseling or therapy would help him address his inability to figure things out and move forward. What are his concerns about going back to school? Is there anything else he’d like to do, or has thought about when he was a kid or teen? Is there another area or particular company that he might like to work for that would use his degree?

    I think you ARE supporting your man, but this isn’t something you can fix for him. He needs to get to a decision on his own. The hard part is balancing the goals you have, your love for him, with the frustration of him not being happy with his job and seeming like he can’t or won’t move on to something else.

    And the get rich quick schemes don’t work, or we’d all be rich!

    Post # 6
    2703 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    i would definitely talk to him about your feelings and really get his perspective too. i don’t think you’re being over the top, but it’s definitely something you should talk about with him!

    Post # 7
    3709 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    I think it’s time for a LONG conversation about you guys financial future. My Fiance has a GREAT career but b/c he didn’t have the extra schooling (PhD) he had a few people that disrespected him. I let him complain for about 3 or 4 months. Then I sat him down and said look…if you want the respect…take your butt back to school and put in the work. That’s when I discovered that he knew he NEEDED to go back to school but he didn’t think he was smart enough (which is crazy considering the dude is a freeaking genius). Once I convinced him that he was…he has enrolled and is doing really well (I made a post about him passing the Medical Board Exam this summer).

    Maybe it’s a self-esteen problem that is preventing your Fiance from going back to school and furthering his education. Sometimes the fear of failure can cripple you causing you to be unable to do the things you want.

    Post # 8
    14186 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    I am the same way. I feel like if you hate X, Y, or Z, you should DO something about it. That is how I am though…I don’t comprehend the whole “i hate it but I’m doing it” unless there are good reasons. Right now, it sounds like an ideal time for your Fiance to get his life together, right? No kids, you’re finishing school, etc.

    Does he know what he wants to do? Or just that he wants to get rich?Cuz the latter only rarely happens, lol. He could do business if he’s not 100% sure–an MBA or BA in business can get you moving somewhere.

    There are lots of career centers that offering counseling, testing, all sorts of stuff. They can bring up careers that he’d never even heard of before based on what he enjoys doing and what he considers highest priority for job satisfaction.He can just as easily walk into a college admissions campus and say, “I want my Bachelors. I don’t know in what” and they can talk about it with him. He can look up colleges nearby and click on the departments. Schools list “careers” and talk about the kinds of jobs their graduates of that program obtain.

    Why does he dislike school? Is it that he just doesn’t have the energy/drive to do it (if you think he is not doing it b/c he is lazy, you probably will become bitter and resentful towards him if that’s the only reason he isn’t doing it) or is he just not good at school? Or does he just not want to go unless he knows what he wants to do? Sometimes people avoid college b/c they don’t think they are smart, but in reality, if they took classes in what they’re good at, they’d really surprise themselves! It’s all about going for what you want to go for. 

    You can’t really be supportive if he’s not proactive about his own life I completely 100% agree. Maybe instead of dodging around the issue to spare his feelings, you need to find a tactful way to show some tough love? I get some tough love from Darling Husband about my life and it’s just a matter of bringing things to light from a different point of view. Then again, he tells me to stop complaining, make a goal, and go for it. Then we talk about how I’ll achieve it b/c it affects him and me both.

    Post # 10
    1638 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    Is he not into being a mechanic? Maybe he could open a mechanic shop and be an owner? It’s not get rich quick but if he likes the work and he’ll be his own boss. Maybe he could take classes to do the business side of it? If he has no interest in that then you need to have a talk. It’s not just his life anyone you will be getting married and joining lives and you don’t want to have him be miserable with his job for the rest of your lives. I would have a chat about what he wants out of life, obviously a get rich quick thing never works out for us normal folks! Maybe he should look at college brochures and see what they offer? Talk to someone in admissions at a college and see exactly the classes he would need to be a teacher.

    Post # 11
    232 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2010

    I think if you are really worried about this, you should perhaps take a step back and decide if marriage right now is wise.  That might seem very harsh, but this may be a sign of things to come and once you are a unit, every get-rich-quick scheme he gets into or other matter that doesn’t pan out, it’ll also affect you immensely.

    Sit down and have a frank chat and tell him how you feel (like you’d him to consider school, or consider X), but do it in a supportive way. 

    Post # 12
    2208 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    The get rich quick schemes would have me very worried. That is a sign not of lack of direction, but a desire not to work very hard. Once you are married, is he going to start spending your money on these? I would think the come to Jesus talk is right around the corner. He needs to grow up if he wants to get married.

    Post # 13
    40 posts

    Oh honey! You need to read ALL of my prior posts. This issue is why my ex and I JUST broke up (last week!)

    He was unable to commit to anything in his life professionally. He loved me, and had been committed to me from day 1. We lived together and had a very loving relationship. But he was terrible with money, worked at a retail job at a big-box store and had zero dreams of ever going beyond that. He wasn’t unhappy in his job, but it wasn’t paying the bills! He didn’t seem to mind, but I certainly did.

    Unlike your fiance, he was content. He was happy in his job, and happy working every day (he had the same job for 5 years). But he had NO AMBITION. No dreams, no useful “skill set” or degree or certification. No desires to have a career beyond just working for this one store.

    He had been at a 4 year university, dropped out after 2 years. He then went to a technical school to get his welding certification and also dropped out of that program because he didn’t want to take “bullshit” classes like English, etc. I tried to explain to him that every degree program has classes that don’t directly relate to your degree! But he wanted the easy way out. And as debt piled up, so did my resentment.

    Ultimately I wanted a man who would be less passive and more of a provider. We broke up a week ago after almost 2 years together. Think long and hard about how his indecisiveness and flightiness will impact your future marriage. Also, I would go back to some of my own posts and read some of the excellent advice I recieved.

    Post # 14
    5823 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Your Fiance sounds a lot like my brother.  Something I think you should consider is that he may have very low self-esteem.  Reminding him over and over again that he should get an education (which he hears as “he isn’t good enough right now”) really doesn’t help.  Seriously, if I didn’t know better I’d say it WAS my brother.  Mechanics degree, but not using it.  Hates his job but isn’t leaving it.  Get rich quick schemes.  Usually the people suckered into those schemes are people who lack the confidence to take the long road.  They feel that they will faulter and will have wasted their time.  He’s already been there, since he has a degree, but either doesn’t feel confident pursuing mechanic work or feels it would be as equally unfulfilling as his current job.  My recommendation is to support him.  A career center is a good place to start because they can teach him basic skills like Power Point and Excel.  Build his confidence a little, and see if he’ll branch out after a few small successes.  Bolster his resume so he feels that he can take that to get a new job.  I think it’s your job to help him up from where he is, not kick him while he’s down.

    The topic ‘Am I being too judgemental?’ is closed to new replies.

    Find Amazing Vendors