Post # 1
where do I start.
My fiance is almost 27 and has NO IDEA what he wants out of life. He has a mechanics degree but refuses to use it. I am 24 and I have 2 years of school left and I will have my BAS in Elementary Education. I have always wanted to be a teacher and I have worked so hard working full time to be able to afford school full time. I bust chops everyday working and all night at school and then come home for homework. He is at a dead end job that he hates. He complains about it every single day and he is chasing any get rich scheme he can think of to not go back to school. I am starting to get a little resentful and annoyed that he cant just figure it out. I would never tell him that but he knows how much I want him to go back to school. I keep trying to encourage him that school is necessary and I would help him in any way that I could but he just isnt getting it. I dont know how to be supportive when I completely disagree with everything he is doing. He comes home miserable everyday complaining about his life and his job and how he doesnt know what to do to fix it.
Am I being judgemental or should I just be supportive? Should I stand by his new dream every other week or try to make him realize this is getting ridiculous?
Post # 3
I would have a conversation with him about his hopes and dreams for his future, but I would leave judgement at the door. When you really hate your job and you feel stuck, someone harping on that is going to become annoying really quick. I know, I was there. I would suggest to him to start sending out resumes and applying for other jobs in his free time. If he can find a job that’s even a little better than the one he has now then he would probably be a happier person. Also, maybe suggest he takes an aptitude test to see what he DOES like to do. If he finds something he likes he may be more willing to think about going back to school. Does he have any hobbies or activities he esp likes to do during his free time? That may also give you/him an idea.
Post # 4
He’s allowed to have dreams, but he also needs to be realistic. Everyone wants to get rich quick, but reality is that it just doesn’t happen. Most of us work at jobs that aren’t our ‘dream’ jobs, but give us self respect as we put food on the table and provide shelter. Tell him that he’s allowed to have hobbies, but he has to get real about his career if you two are going to build a future together.
Post # 5
I don’t know that either of the options really answers or solves the problem. I don’t think it’s too judgemental. My ex was a music teacher for 6 years, then went back to school after bouncing around for two years in dead end jobs. He’s now taken out loans for the last 4 years and gotten three different degrees (all around counseling and school things). He still doesn’t know what he wants to do and is going to be entering a tough field to find a job with a lot of loans.
His indecisiveness and inability to make a committment to anything, including me, is what ended our relationship.
Maybe some job counseling or therapy would help him address his inability to figure things out and move forward. What are his concerns about going back to school? Is there anything else he’d like to do, or has thought about when he was a kid or teen? Is there another area or particular company that he might like to work for that would use his degree?
I think you ARE supporting your man, but this isn’t something you can fix for him. He needs to get to a decision on his own. The hard part is balancing the goals you have, your love for him, with the frustration of him not being happy with his job and seeming like he can’t or won’t move on to something else.
And the get rich quick schemes don’t work, or we’d all be rich!
Post # 6
i would definitely talk to him about your feelings and really get his perspective too. i don’t think you’re being over the top, but it’s definitely something you should talk about with him!
Post # 7
I think it’s time for a LONG conversation about you guys financial future. My Fiance has a GREAT career but b/c he didn’t have the extra schooling (PhD) he had a few people that disrespected him. I let him complain for about 3 or 4 months. Then I sat him down and said look…if you want the respect…take your butt back to school and put in the work. That’s when I discovered that he knew he NEEDED to go back to school but he didn’t think he was smart enough (which is crazy considering the dude is a freeaking genius). Once I convinced him that he was…he has enrolled and is doing really well (I made a post about him passing the Medical Board Exam this summer).
Maybe it’s a self-esteen problem that is preventing your Fiance from going back to school and furthering his education. Sometimes the fear of failure can cripple you causing you to be unable to do the things you want.
Post # 8
I am the same way. I feel like if you hate X, Y, or Z, you should DO something about it. That is how I am though…I don’t comprehend the whole “i hate it but I’m doing it” unless there are good reasons. Right now, it sounds like an ideal time for your Fiance to get his life together, right? No kids, you’re finishing school, etc.
Does he know what he wants to do? Or just that he wants to get rich?Cuz the latter only rarely happens, lol. He could do business if he’s not 100% sure–an MBA or BA in business can get you moving somewhere.
There are lots of career centers that offering counseling, testing, all sorts of stuff. They can bring up careers that he’d never even heard of before based on what he enjoys doing and what he considers highest priority for job satisfaction.He can just as easily walk into a college admissions campus and say, “I want my Bachelors. I don’t know in what” and they can talk about it with him. He can look up colleges nearby and click on the departments. Schools list “careers” and talk about the kinds of jobs their graduates of that program obtain.
Why does he dislike school? Is it that he just doesn’t have the energy/drive to do it (if you think he is not doing it b/c he is lazy, you probably will become bitter and resentful towards him if that’s the only reason he isn’t doing it) or is he just not good at school? Or does he just not want to go unless he knows what he wants to do? Sometimes people avoid college b/c they don’t think they are smart, but in reality, if they took classes in what they’re good at, they’d really surprise themselves! It’s all about going for what you want to go for.
You can’t really be supportive if he’s not proactive about his own life I completely 100% agree. Maybe instead of dodging around the issue to spare his feelings, you need to find a tactful way to show some tough love? I get some tough love from Darling Husband about my life and it’s just a matter of bringing things to light from a different point of view. Then again, he tells me to stop complaining, make a goal, and go for it. Then we talk about how I’ll achieve it b/c it affects him and me both.
Post # 9
He dislikes school because he feels he isnt smart enough. He sees that I have to completely focus and I still struggle with school. Sometimes I will take some of my homework to him and he looks at me crazy because he says he is “book stupid.” School is very hard. Its a lot of hard work and persistence, but if you want something bad enough, youll figure it out.
He said if he were to ever go back to school, it would be to become a high school history teacher and to coach football. He LOVES history and he loves talking about it. He has always wanted to coach football as well. But he doesnt think he will do good in school. He doesnt want to have to take all the BullshT classes like physics and chemistry just to become a teacher.
I am in elementary ed program and I have had to take so many unnecessary classes. I have had to take physics, biology, chemistry, 4 math classes including calculus and trigonometry and he doesnt want any part in that.
I have tried to talk to him and get him to think realisticly. It works for a little bit then he is right back to his get rich ideas. He was even visiting local colleges and asking about programs that he could do in 1-2 years and everyone pretty much laughed at him. I even went with him to one and the lady laughed right in his face and said that he would need to go for a 4 year degree if he ever wanted a career. He got up and walked right out.
He is trying. He gets really down on himself about it and beats himself up. He said to me the other day that he respects the fact that I have always known what I want to do with my life and I have never let anyone or anything stop me in my journey. He said he wished he had that and he is slightly jealous. I feel for him. It is bruising his ego and there is nothing I can really do to help.
I have asked him what he sees himself doing in 10 years and he always says he doesnt know.
Post # 10
Is he not into being a mechanic? Maybe he could open a mechanic shop and be an owner? It’s not get rich quick but if he likes the work and he’ll be his own boss. Maybe he could take classes to do the business side of it? If he has no interest in that then you need to have a talk. It’s not just his life anyone you will be getting married and joining lives and you don’t want to have him be miserable with his job for the rest of your lives. I would have a chat about what he wants out of life, obviously a get rich quick thing never works out for us normal folks! Maybe he should look at college brochures and see what they offer? Talk to someone in admissions at a college and see exactly the classes he would need to be a teacher.
Post # 11
I think if you are really worried about this, you should perhaps take a step back and decide if marriage right now is wise. That might seem very harsh, but this may be a sign of things to come and once you are a unit, every get-rich-quick scheme he gets into or other matter that doesn’t pan out, it’ll also affect you immensely.
Sit down and have a frank chat and tell him how you feel (like you’d him to consider school, or consider X), but do it in a supportive way.
Post # 12
The get rich quick schemes would have me very worried. That is a sign not of lack of direction, but a desire not to work very hard. Once you are married, is he going to start spending your money on these? I would think the come to Jesus talk is right around the corner. He needs to grow up if he wants to get married.
Post # 13
Oh honey! You need to read ALL of my prior posts. This issue is why my ex and I JUST broke up (last week!)
He was unable to commit to anything in his life professionally. He loved me, and had been committed to me from day 1. We lived together and had a very loving relationship. But he was terrible with money, worked at a retail job at a big-box store and had zero dreams of ever going beyond that. He wasn’t unhappy in his job, but it wasn’t paying the bills! He didn’t seem to mind, but I certainly did.
Unlike your fiance, he was content. He was happy in his job, and happy working every day (he had the same job for 5 years). But he had NO AMBITION. No dreams, no useful “skill set” or degree or certification. No desires to have a career beyond just working for this one store.
He had been at a 4 year university, dropped out after 2 years. He then went to a technical school to get his welding certification and also dropped out of that program because he didn’t want to take “bullshit” classes like English, etc. I tried to explain to him that every degree program has classes that don’t directly relate to your degree! But he wanted the easy way out. And as debt piled up, so did my resentment.
Ultimately I wanted a man who would be less passive and more of a provider. We broke up a week ago after almost 2 years together. Think long and hard about how his indecisiveness and flightiness will impact your future marriage. Also, I would go back to some of my own posts and read some of the excellent advice I recieved.
Post # 14
Your Fiance sounds a lot like my brother. Something I think you should consider is that he may have very low self-esteem. Reminding him over and over again that he should get an education (which he hears as “he isn’t good enough right now”) really doesn’t help. Seriously, if I didn’t know better I’d say it WAS my brother. Mechanics degree, but not using it. Hates his job but isn’t leaving it. Get rich quick schemes. Usually the people suckered into those schemes are people who lack the confidence to take the long road. They feel that they will faulter and will have wasted their time. He’s already been there, since he has a degree, but either doesn’t feel confident pursuing mechanic work or feels it would be as equally unfulfilling as his current job. My recommendation is to support him. A career center is a good place to start because they can teach him basic skills like Power Point and Excel. Build his confidence a little, and see if he’ll branch out after a few small successes. Bolster his resume so he feels that he can take that to get a new job. I think it’s your job to help him up from where he is, not kick him while he’s down.
Post # 15
MightySapphire- I agree. I dont want to hurt him right now because I know his ego is already very bruised. He feels that he is the man and he should be the provider. He sees all these men that are younger then him and in their career and it gets him so down. I just wish I could pick his face out of the mud and make him see there are options, you just have to want it bad enough to whether the storm. I dont want to be judgmental but I just cant help feeling some resentment. We have beed together for 6 years and bought a house last year together. He has been in his current job for 4 years and has hated the last year of it. He has recieved 4 pay cuts last year and he has been looking but cant seem to find anything that spikes his interest.
I feel so helpless. But I cant make the decision for him.