am i being too sensitive

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
1769 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

jen 42713:  can you give more details?  what is it that she’s asking of bridesmaids?  what time?  what cost?  is it optional?  have you already bought your dress?

Post # 4
Member
2882 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I agree, there are more details needed.  What does she expect out of you?  Can you afford it?  Can you say no?

With a month and a half before her wedding, she might not have time to “just have lunch and hang out.”  I was talking things over with my FI last night with two months to go to our wedding.  We have one free weekend (next weekend) in which we will try to get all of our yard work done and see FSIL, FBIL and their kids.  If anyone asked me out to lunch, I would have to give them a thanks but no thanks.  Any free time I have will be spent cleaning our house and yard, running around town trying to find last minute things that I have forgotten about to this point, and a few moments for events planed well in advance with friends (baby shower, one year old birthday party, charity tea with my FMIL) 

There is really no good way to step out of wedding once you committed, and once you are this close to the date it is even harder. 

Post # 7
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

That doesn’t seem terribly unreasonable, as far as expectations go. The one thing I’d wonder about is if she’s PAYING for your professional hair and makeup? If she is, do it how she wants, and let her pay for it. It’s her pictures, her day, her money, just do it. Would it really kill you for one day?

My wedding wasn’t until 3:30 and my girls all showed up around 9:30. It really DOES take that long to get EVERYONE’S hair done, and EVERYONE’S makeup done, especially if your girls have long hair. It’s a long time to sit around, sure, but you can chat and watch YouTube on your phone and if you’re smart, you’ll bring a bottle of champagne and some OJ and donuts and have a nice breakfast with mimosas to relax her and show you care. One of my friends (who got ready with us but wasn’t in the bridal party) did this, and she was like the goddess of the morning. 

So don’t stay at a hotel, that’s fine. As far as meetings, can’t she just do a group chat on FB? Does she have all her stuff written down? Why not help her get a checklist together – I did a checklist and it saved my ass. 

Setup is unrealistic, as you’re going to be in your nice clothes with your nice hair and nice makeup and nice shoes, and you’ll be with her until you leave the hotel for the venue, so that’s stupid. Either her venue should be setting up, or she should be getting the groomsmen and family to do it (in our case, the groomsmen, DH, his parents, my aunts, and one of my close friends who made herself my day of coordinator did ours, along with my caterer). Breakdown, though, everyone helped with. Including the bridesmaids. But it barely took any time at all, because EVERYONE helped and it was expedient. 

How much is the party bus? Plus the dinner and club? I’d be a little miffed about that too if I couldn’t afford it, and I’d try to see if she could get a compromise, especially if all the other bridesmaids also don’t want to spend the money for that. Maybe go to dinner and the club and omit the bus? Or figure out something else that isn’t quite as expensive? I didn’t even GET a bachelorette party because I had a poopy MoH, lol, but I would have worked within everyone’s means if I had. For the booze, why can’t the other BMs chip in? So everyone does the cost evenly? 

I think you’re being a bit oversensitive and silly on some things, and so is she, but on others you’re okay to be miffed. It’s about compromise and communication. You don’t need to be difficult about when she wants you there the day of or who is doing whose hair – the only way you get to have a say in that is if you’re paying for it.

Post # 9
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

How do the other bridesmaids feel about it, then? Have you discussed the finances with any other girls? If you haven’t, you should. I tried to be as cognizant as possible about everyone’s finances and needs (one of my girls had just had a baby, and another bridesman – yeah I had two guys on my side – bought plane tickets and a rental car and a hotel to come out and be with me) during my planning, so in that case, yes, she’s being inconsiderate. If she wants your look done by HER people, it needs to be done at HER cost. Silly. try to talk to the others and see if you can all split the cost evenly so it’s less burdensome. Some of them may also be having financial issues as well and you just don’t know it.

And if you’re getting your hair and makeup done, there’s no reason for you to be at her hotel at 9:45 while everyone else gets ready – you should have a 9:45 appointment for your own hair and makeup and show up at like 1 to the hotel when you’re finished to get ready and head to the venue for pictures and stuff..That IS unreasonable, especially since you’re paying for it. 

Post # 11
Member
9532 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Okay – so the things you have issues with:

1. hair and makeup – unless she’s paying, I’m with you – you can do whatever hair/makeup you want, but it sounds like she already agreed to this

2. bridemaids meetings to go over what she has missed for the wedding – I don’t really understand what this means!

3. spend the night at the hotel – I get why she would want this, but you’re well within your rights to decline

4. be there at 9:45 am. – That’s a bit early for a 4:30 wedding, but not crazy. My ceremony was at 5 and I started getting ready at 11 and I would have been better off starting at 10. I’m guessing 9:45 is the time that she’s going to start getting ready and she just told all the girls to show up at the same time. Since you’re getting your hair and makeup done elsewhere, you could ask if you could come a bit later. But it’s pretty common to have the girls get ready together and often there are photos involved and, honestly, I was very excited to have my girls around when I was getting ready. I picked my girls because I wanted them around and because I knew they would help calm any nerves on wedding day, so I would have been sad if they didn’t want to get ready with me. That being said, I’m in a wedding next month where the bride doesn’t really want me to get ready with her, which is fine as well. I would ask if it’s okay to come around 11, since you’ll be coming with your hair and makeup already done. Wear comfy clothes and then you can get dressed there. 

6. She wants a party bus, go out for dinner, and to a club costing $35 per person so that she can go up on stage.  – Annoying but I don’t think this is worth arguing about unless the party bus is super expensive. 

To me, while some of this is annoying, it’s not worth the drama of dropping out. Because there would totally be drama. And she hasn’t done anything super terrible. Be firm in the decisions you’ve made but I think dropping out would just be a hassle.

Post # 13
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

jen 42713:  The only request of hers that I find reasonable is being there at 9:45 on the day. If that is her timeline, then be there. If you can’t because of your hair then let her know. As long as you are there for rehearsal/pictures/whatever she needs you to attend, it shouldn’t an issue.

As far as hair…if she isn’t paying she really doesn’t get a say in who does your hair. You don’t need to attend meetings to disucss what she forgot becuase you’re not going to know that, and she can easily e-mail or text you and ask your opinion. No need to have a full fledged meeting. Spending the night at the hotel…meh, I would do it even if you live close, but that’s just me, but you shouldn’t be EXPECTED to.

Post # 14
Member
6691 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Lol, if it makes you feel any better, I was just a BM in a wedding last weekend. I had to drive 3 hours to drop off my 6 month old son with my parents. The next morning, I woke up at 4am to catch the first flight out (with a connection) in order to get there in time for a bridal brunch at noon. I then had a 2 hour break before the rehearsal/dinner which went until 1am. The next morning I had to start hair and makeup at 10am for a 5pm wedding. We sat around all day doing nothing since the bride and groom weren’t even doing pictures before the wedding. I then had to dance all night even though all I wanted to do was sit down and relax. Oh, and the BM dress was $500. And of course, I had to fly out first thing that Sunday (with a connection) so I could get home in time before my son went to bed. It was the first time I’ve been away from him.

I mean, she’s my good friend so ultimately I think it was worth it, but also I knew what I was getting into when I accepted to be her Bmaid. I think the only thing I have a right to complain about is the stupid bridal brunch since I think wedding party should only be expected to attend the rehearsal and wedding. We could have taken a flight at a much more reasonable time and spent less time away from our baby, but it was our choice to leave him.

Post # 15
Member
364 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

jen 42713:  I guess personally I do think that you are being too sensitive.  Has she actually said that she wishes that she did not ask you to be a bridesmaid, or are you reading into that?  Based on the expectations that you listed:

 

1)  If you are already planning on having your hair and makeup professionally done, is there a reason that you don’t want to use the person she has hired?  I don’t like when brides require professional hair and makeup as it can be expensive, but it sounds like you are already having it done, why not use her person?

2)  Being that you are already married, I think it is totally reasonable for her to talk to you about thinks she may be missing.

3)  I agree with you on this one.  Unless she is going to pay for your hotel, you should not have to stay.

4)  9:45 seems reasonable to me.  All of girls came at 9 for my 2:30 wedding.  We had brunch together, and we all got ready together.  It was a great bonding day and it helped to alleviate all of my nerves.

5)  I think setting up of venues is reasonable.  If you can’t ask your bridesmaids to help, who can you ask?  We were lucky as our venue did all of this for us, but I had to help for a different wedding when I was a bridesmaid.  I didn’t think it was unreasonable at all.  Paying for all of the alcohol yourself? That is unreasonable especially when you don’t drink.

6)  Sounds like your average bachelorette party to me.  I don’t see this as unreasonable.

 

Ultimately if you decide to pull out of the wedding, I would be ready for your relationship with her to change.  I would be very hurt if one of my bridesmaids had pulled out of my wedding.

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