- 6 years ago
- Wedding: July 2012
My Fiance and I have been together for 5 years and are going to be getting married in July (although I already feel like i’m a newlywed!). My Fiance and I have been living on separate coasts for the past year which has its own sets of difficulties so we decided to do pre-marital counseling as we figured it wouldn’t hurt us and would give us tools and techniques on how to set boundaries with family.
To give you a quick background, my Fiance was raised by a single mom, who has been single his whole life and has been sick for the entire time that i’ve known her (about 5 years). Her health issues have ranged from mouth issues, to skin issues, to feet issues, etc. As a result, the last couple years have given her a victim type mentality because of the chronic pain issues that she’s been dealing with. I empathize with her a great deal, but we are struggling with the fact that she depends on her happiness from her son.
Wedding planning has been difficult with her. She has not so discreetly told me the type of dress I should wear, what time the ceremony should start, what pastor we should have (since my Fiance and I are not religious), when we should send out save the dates and invitations, etc. My relationship with her is slightly damaged (for example, when my Fiance and I were visiting her in Chicago, I found a piece of paper on the kitchen table with her notes on the issues that she has with our relationship). She has also suggested using our honeymoon money to help pay for the ceremony that she really wanted to have. My Fiance has started to try and set some boundaries with her, but I imagine it is a difficult position for him to be in.
We are doing 2 ceremonies as I am Indian and my Fiance is Cacuasian to celebrate both cultures/traditions and to please both of our parents. However, with the Christian ceremony, we are helping his mom out to pay for a portion of it b/c she has very little money.
A couple months ago, my parents asked my Fiance if he wanted to come on a trip to India with us since he loves traveling. I was initially okay with him coming along until we had our last counseling meeting.
This is where I need your opinions. He brought up how he and his mom used to be traveling partners growing up and how they have traveled the world together. When she got sick, their travel plans had gotten sidelined so he brought up how he wants to go on vacation with her alone once we are married. This has been really difficult for me to embrace coming from a larger, all-inclusive family. I told him that it would upset me but suggested that if I did go, that he and his mom should go on lunches alone while im at the spa, etc. I also know that the length of the trip is going to be an issue. She will want to go on vacation for 7-10 days, which I think a little unreasonable. The other issue that I am having is the expenses. Between the wedding help, our honeymoon, the trip to India that he wants to join in on, and the vacation with his mom, we are looking at alot of $$$. I come from a very different family where my parents would never be okay accepting money from me, which is a difficult adjustment. My parents are taking care of my ticket and all of the costs that we incur once we get to India so my Fiance is paying for his ticket.
While I know that he hasn’t been on a vacation with her, I feel like he makes it a point to spend time with her. He was home for 2 weeks for Thanksgiving and will be home for 3 weeks during Christmas and New Years. While he doesn’t see his mom as much as I get to see him, it does upset me a little that he’s spent 5 weeks with his mom in the past 2 months considering he and I live on opposite coasts and are in the midst of planning a wedding. To give you some context, we try to see each other once every 2.5-3 weeks for anywhere from 5-9 days at a time. However, he starts school in January and will only be able to visit Sunday-Fri for a while. That means that I will be doing much of the visiting (we can both work remotely) since I can visit for longer or we see each other for less time.
Am I being unreasonable in feeling this way and not being alright with him and his mom going on vacation alone once we are married?