Am I Being Unreasonable?

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
9528 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

She should have given you a budget at the begining. That was her bad.

But now she’s saying that what you’ve picked out is too expensive. To be honest, the prices seem high to me as well, so she probably just didn’t anticipate that they would be that much. But she really needs to give you a budget, if what you have propsed is too much. I’d ask her, flat out, the total budget for all three girls – If $350 is too expensive, what does she need it to be under? $300, $250, $200, $150? Then you can work from there. Alternately, you can just give her guidelines and let her find dresses in her price range. 

Post # 2
Member
1362 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, either.  You’re making every effort to accomodate her by asking for her budget, but she isn’t cooperating.

Post # 4
Member
3223 posts
Sugar bee

It doesn’t matter what we think. Your SIL thinks its unreasonable, and it’s her money. Her opinion is the only one that matters,imo.

Yes she should have given a budget, but i do think 300 is quite a bit for kids outfits.

Post # 7
Member
3769 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

Her husband is deployed and she has young kids to raise on her own the judgement about her not working and moving in with your parents is really not your place. Obviously things are  tight for them, very few people actually want to live with their ILs. As far as the dresses I think you are both being a little unreasonable. She should hae given you a budget, but I think the dresses you have picked are pretty pricey. I don’thtink I would spend more than $100 on a FG dress.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by  ieatunicorns.
Post # 8
Member
1878 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Valparaiso, IN

If they had money saved, she should have told you how much. But obviously since the dresses you picked were out of her budget and you can’t spend more, you need to find cheaper dresses. Sorry, but that’s life!

Post # 9
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

petalpetal:  You don’t “know she has the money for it.” She’s literally telling you she can’t afford it. Why isn’t she coming to the wedding? Could it have something to do with the expense?

I would never dream of asking a struggling family member to spend any amount on clothes for my wedding, especially not $400 for fancy dresses for kids who will wear them once. And I assume your brother’s family is struggling financially if they have to move in with your parents.

Why can’t the girls just wear whatever nice dresses they already own?

Post # 10
Hostess
8680 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Surely there has to be a cheaper version you can get somewhere else. The price you quoted DOES seem expensive, but I am pretty cheap when it comes to the whole wedding thing. The flower girl dress I am using will be $36 on etsy.

Post # 11
Member
3223 posts
Sugar bee

 

petalpetal:  unless you are her financial manager, you do not knoiw what she can or cannot afford. Even if she can afford it, she is not required to spend a lot of money just because you are getting married. There are other options out there. You should probably look into them.

Post # 14
Member
9528 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

petalpetal:  I agree that she should give you a budget, but being upset about it doesn’t help anything. And it’s not like because she didn’t give you a budget she has to go for what you picked, even if it’s more than she expected/can afford. All you can do now is try to find cheaper options and try to get a budget from her. If you can’t get a budget form her, try finding something cheaper and see if it will work for her. And the flower girl’s size shouldn’t matter. She is the size she is. You should be comparing dresses in her actual size, it doesn’t matter what her chronologic age is. I’m sure there are cheaper flower girl dresses out there for a size 7. Or, as I mentioned, just give her some guidelines and let her find a dress for her daughter!

Post # 12
Member
1441 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

 

petalpetal:  $1500 for a hotel? That is a lot of money.  I don’t see why you have to pick out the dresses – have her shop for her own children and pick out something nice.  It sounds like they are your only attendants so you don’t have to worry about them coordinating with anyone else.  I would not expect someone to send small children to a destination wedding so I think you are really lucky that she’s willing to have them come at all.

Post # 13
Member
689 posts
Busy bee

I speak as a former “chubby” child too big for my age. Please, please, PLEASE refrain from singling this poor kid out based on her size (I noticed you repeated it at least twice) 🙁

You might not realize it, but it affects a kid’s self image when adults do this whether or not they are meaning to. I was a larger kid and really tall, so when pple (especially family) would comment on how much bigger I was all the time it really took a toll on me–i just wanted to be dainty like all the other girls in my grade. I had a horrible self-image problem as I went thru my teenage years (even though I lost a lot of weight) bc of stuff that was burned into me during my childhood.

Please don’t make a fuss about the difference in sizes for the one neice–it comes across as this to me: Well, if she wasn’t so darn big then it’d be cheaper (by like $30, which i doubt is the heart of the issue). That’s harsh to put on a kid. Just sayin’.

Post # 15
Member
823 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I don’t have any kids so I’m not too familiar with what flower girl dresses cost, but to me, those costs sound more in line with bridesmaid dreses, not flower girl dresses.  I wouldn’t be happy shelling out that kind of money for a dress that will only be worn once.

Yes, she should have given you a budget, but she was obviously trying to be very accomodating since you’re the bride.  Maybe she had no idea that the dresses would cost that much!

Also, from what I do know, soldiers don’t make THAT much money.  I don’t think it’s fair at all that you’re judging her for not working – how is she supposed to work if her husband is deployed?  That makes it very difficult.  If she’s moving in with parents, they must be financially struggling.

I would check for used flower girl dresses on Craigslist or check Etsy.  Heck, just have the girls wear fancy dresses from a department store.  The moment the term “flower girl” is attached to a dress the cost automatically goes up.

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