Post # 1
My fiancee and I have been together for four years and have a year old son. We are very much in love and are looking forward to our wedding next May. However, we are stuck on choosing a venue and last night had to have an uncomfortable conversation about why certain venues appeal/don’t appeal.
You see, this will be my first (and I hope to God, only) wedding. But this will be my fiancee’s second marriage (first ended rather badly in divorce, no children). For his first wedding my fiancee had the big white wedding in a four star hotel/country mansion in Surrey. It was, by all accounts, quite a luxurious day with all the best food, wine, champagne, etc.
I have made peace with the fact that my fiancee was married previously- but many of his guests for our wedding also attended his first, and I’m dreading the thought of people making comparisons. I had suggested our going away to be married, or having a small wedding with just family. But my fiancee is rather set on having a bigger wedding- and it would be nice for all of our friends to attend. But my fiancee is keen on a venue for our wedding which is basically a pub by the side of a busy road- it’s a very lovely pub in a lovely area, but it is still just a pub (it is a gorgeous venue- though there are no grounds- but I can’t get away from the fact that it is a pub).
All my suggestions for venues he has so far not really taken seriously, until last night, when I had to explain that I just don’t want our wedding (the ‘second marriage’) to be one of those weddings with a ‘hint of apology’ to them. It was quite an uncomfortable conversation, and afterwards he told me that we could look more seriously at some of the venues I have suggested, which are further away but slightly more upmarket than the pub venue he had suggested.
I feel quite badly about the whole thing now, like I shouldn’t be so upset about people comparing weddings, and should just be happy to have a wedding that suits us without any regard to his first marriage. I feel as though I was being unreasonable- but am so confused?
I just want our wedding to be a good day.
Post # 3
I’m not quite sure wether you were being unreasonable or not to be honest, but i do have one piece of advice which you could perhaps keep in mind:
It’s clearly not the wedding that makes the marrige, your FI having a big fancy wedding with his ex didn’t make them any stronger, or better, they still split, on bad terms. It’s your love for this man that really counts. Some people might make somparisons, yes, but you mustn’t let that affect the way you want YOUR day.
Good luck xx
Post # 4
@Minkel23: Same deal here. My FI was married previously (although he has three children from that marriage) and I have felt at some points like he isn’t super excited bc he ‘already did the wedding thing’. I mean I know he’s excited to marry me, but I the wedding itself he has left completely up to me, he really hasn’t had an opinion one way or the other about ANYTHING. It took me a long time to come to terms with his ex and his children and I feel as though our wedding is just ‘stirring the pot’ so to speak, bringing it all back up. You have every right to feel nervous and upset about this. I can’t really offer a much advice bc I’m stuck in the same situation – except what my therapist has told me, it is very NORMAL to feel the way you are feeling! I think your FI should respect how this is affecting you and let you choose the venue of your choosing. You SHOULD NOT have to ‘downgrade’ (even if its only in your mind) bc he was married before. You weren’t!! So have the wedding of your dreams girl!
And I think the word bridezilla should be banished from our vocabulary!!
“The myth of the bridezilla : Making you crazy, and then calling you crazy!”
Post # 5
I’m in a similar situation, marrying a man who is divorced and I am marrying for the first time. I don’t really have much advice but wanted to sympathise! I hate that he has done it all before, but he was heartbroken at the end of their short marriage, and I know his family and friends are so pleased he has met me and now he is happier than ever (as am I).
Therefore, they are happy to come to his wedding (again!) and hopefully won’t be making too many comparisons. We have tried to keep most things different but inevitably some things will be similar. We are having a much more relaxed affair (with more people) than he did last time, but it it what I liked anyway, and not to do with his previous marriage. I don’t think having a pub wedding would come across as with a “hint of apology” (I’d love it!), but if it’s not a venue you like – that is the problem, not that he was married before!
Post # 6
I don’t think you are being unreasonable. It is his second time around so I think if you had your heart set on something you should get it (or as close as reasonable). Of course it still needs to be a wedding for *both* of you.
Saying that, assuming his previous marriage was more than 5 years ago (?) then people really aren’t going to make comparisons, most people don’t remember details of a wedding months later let alone years.
It sounds like he sees where you are coming from so that is a good start. As long as you agree on the venue when you find the right one! Also don’t be too put off by a pub wedding. There are some beautiful pub venues around and maybe one of them will be perfect for you! Maybe not one next to a busy road however 🙂
Post # 7
Thanks for the replies- I think I need to have another open conversation with him tonight. And Weetzie, I know exactly what you mean by his having ‘done the whole wedding thing’ before. My fiancee knows more about wedding planning than I do, and has seemed a little unbothered by the whole thing this time around (though I do know he is excited about marrying me).
I suppose it also comes down to the fact that many of his friends don’t seem to really like me. I think they quite liked his ex, and then when they split (long before he met me) they seemed to miss her. I’ve not really been given the same open arms reception… and having them at my wedding is making me very nervous.
Post # 8
You can’t control other people. If they want to make comparisons, so be it. At least when it comes to comparing the relationships, yours will come out on top. A wedding is just a wedding, what matters is your marriage.
Do what feels right for both you and your fiance, and continue to tell him your honest feelings. Stop worrying about people’s thoughts and opinions about this ‘second wedding’. It’s your first, and his last.
Post # 10
@Minkel23: Hi! I saw this thread and signed up just to reply. I see a lot of people get caught up having a “nicer” wedding. It’s been 3 weeks since you posted, so you may have already resolved this. I just wanted to say, think about what you two would like, what your personalities, interests, etc., are, and try to go with that. For some people a “better” wedding is really a lot of money spent on white horses and fireworks. For others it might be everyone renting a bar and talking over drinks, then having a 50 person road trip. Another might make lego flower table decorations and have… custom pizzas.
It doesn’t always have to be “more” on the fanciness scale to be better. It’s a shame his friends are acting the way they are, but regardless of whether they come around or not, you and your husband will have each other and a wedding you really love. That’s all you should worry about