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I think you are being unreasonable in that you are not being honest. You are really upset about the number of guests. That doesn't have anything to do with the dance. You need to be honest, and not get in the habit of griping about something that isn't the true problem, because nobody can read your mind. Saying no to the dance makes you sound a little bit like you are stomping your foot because you didn't get your own way on something else.
The Greek dance is a big deal to Greek Orthodoxy. Say yes to the dance, but insist the list get cut- isn't that really what you want?
Honestly? I don't see how eliminating the Greek dancing is helping your situation any. I understand you are frustrated and feel like you don't have control over your wedding, however I think you are picking the "wrong" thing to control. What good does it really do to cut out the dancing? Cultural dances can be SO much fun and I don't think your guests will be intimidated at all to give it a try.
If your in-laws are not paying for the wedding I would give them a strict number of people to invite and stick to it. Tell them if they do not cut down their list you will do it for them and they may not like the outcome. Unfortunately if they are contributing to your wedding you have less of a say in the guests they invite :/
I also think you are being unreasonable. You are marrying into your FI's family for better or worse. I think you need to embrace his family and their heritage. I am not Greek, and I would love to get up and try to Greek dance. I am a shy person, but I think it would be fun. I agree with your FI. Sorry.
I agree with menobride. The dance isn't your issue (as is spells out in your writing), it's the number of people you feel forced to invite. I understand the Greek culture about weddings as well, but as your future family they've got to understand and respect your desire and needs too. I'd put my foot down on that issue instead and maybe even compromise...less people (like those who seriously know you and love you {kinda like what we are doing}) and more "touches" of Greek culture spread throughout your wedding (like the dance and the fact that you're marrying in HIS church and CONVERTING to their religion).
Good luck!
I'm sorry, but I too have to agree that your request is unreasonable. Since he's going to be ordained his religion is a really big part of his life and his going to be a big part of yours too. Dancing is a big part of the ceremony for them, and since you're converting YOU too.
@noritake I'm not Greek either but I'd also LOVE to try greek dancing. It always looks like such a blast.
I agree with the others. I would put my foot down on the guest list numbers before the dancing if that's what you're upset about.
We're Jewish and my sil isn't. But during their wedding when the hora came on, everybody on her side joined us to dance. Most didn't understand what was going on, but they still had fun!
I was going to say the same thing as @artbee. Turkish dancing is very similar to Green dancing & hora, and we played this at our wedding. Even though my Turkish family was way outnumbered (total opposte of your situation), everybody got up and joined the dance and it was really fun. I think people are going to keep requesting the dance as the reception progresses whether you like it or not. I highly doubt you can keep the Greeks from doing their dance. I would suggest that you embrace the Big Fat Greek Wedding scenario from the start and enjoy it. I have a feeling you're going to be lavished with attention and love from his side of the family and have a blast.
I agree with other posters- cutting out greek dancing seems a little odd when you're upset about the guest list (especially since the dancing a huge cultural thing and a lot of fun).
I may pick the guest list battle and okay the dancing.
1. Greek dancing is REALLY fun (speaking as a non-Greek), and I think you are robbing your guests of the opportunity to partake in the culture of your future husband.
2. You are gaining nothing by not being honest with your future husband.
Cut the guest list, keep the dancing.
I felt like you did for awhile. I wanted a tiny backyard wedding, but instead we're inviting 275. Fiance's invites outnumber mine at least 3 - 1. Like you, my fiance's family has a lot of cultural traditions that I don't relate to, and to make matters worse, the wedding is in his hometown - not mine. I was extremely uncomfortable and upset for a long time. I felt like I was constantly being forced into doing things that are not me. But after awhile, I realized that while this is all not me, it's very important to him. Family is of the utmost importance to both of us. He can't help it if his is 100 people and mine is 25. Plus, I figure my friends and family will attend a really fun wedding they will never forget. If I'm happy, relaxed, and having fun, they will be too. So I am embracing it all. As a compromise, we're having a super-casual out-of-town welcome party the night before.
I say go for the Greek dance! The Greek side of the family will really want it and the Canadians will probably enjoy it, even if some of them just watch. It will only be a very small part of the reception right? The rest of it will be more mainstream music which your side of the family will enjoy.
With that being said I totally understand why you would be upset about the guest list getting out of control. Eventually you and your FI may have to put your foot down about that. Are the FIL's helping pay for all these extra guests to be at your wedding? If so you may just have to let that go too. Just look at it as an opportunity to meet many new people and keep you focus on having fun with your friends and family.
I agree with all of the previous posters! No reason to skip the Greek dancing, it will be a lot of fun! The large guest list is certainly a bigger issue. But as for feeling like a stranger at your own wedding, they will all be welcoming you to the family and it is a good opportunity to meet many of his relatives you may not have met before! Your loved ones will be there with you, just among a larger crowd :)
Just a thought - Have you thought about having a very private and intimate ceremony and cocktail hour/reception and then later (that day or on another) hosting a big party where you can renew your vows and celebrate Greek style? Explain to your FMIL your wedding day dreams and see if you all can come to a creative solution.
The wedding isn't just about you - it's about your fiance as well. The people invited probably mean something to him. It seems a tad unfair to punish him just because your side of the family/friends isn't as extended as his. Just because his side of the invites is 105 doesn't mean ALL 105 is going to come and the same will be true for your side. Count for at least 20% of the people invited to decline.
Also, why cut out the greek dancing?! Personally I'm asian and I would LOVE to go to a greek wedding and learn the dance and I'd feel less intimidated since I'd know there'd be lots of people for me to copy. Just talk to your fiance that you really want to keep the list down from this point going forward.
I too agree that on some level you are being unreasonable...its hard when two cultures clash...I should know because I am also going through the same thing...
I'm vietnamese and will be having a traditional Viet wedding (not by choice only to make my parents happy) and my FI is just going through the motions to make me happy...
his family does not have any traditions/cultures etc...ANYWAYS..if I had it my way I would incorporate the two so that both sides can be happy...I"m just glad my in-laws are OK with it...and actually I had "the talk" with them to expose them of what a traditional vietnamese wedding would entail and I think that made it a lot easier on myself.
All I can say to you since you are in my FI's position is to take what they want and need into consideration when planning the wedding. It may not be important to you but it may be important to your FI....I got this quote from a movie and I remind myself all the time and it may be useful to you "THEIR WEDDING OUR MARRIAGE" hope that helps.
I too think you are being unreasonable. First - cutting Greek dancing has no effect on your real issue - the guest list. It comes across as very pointless actually. Considering you are marrying into this family (and culture) and are converting yourself, you need to embrace it, not shun it. Also, as a non-Greek, I'd LOVE to get up at a wedding and join in Greek dancing so I think you are very wrong in your assumptions about the non-Greek guests.
I also think you're being a little unreasonable about the guest list. The wedding isn't just about you and your family - it's about your fiance and his family as well. The people invited from his side are important to him and to ask for them to be cut down just because your side of the family/friends isn't as extended as his isn't right.
Look at it as an opportunity to meet the people close to your FI whom you've never gotten the chance to meet yet. Saying you're going to feel "alientated at [your] own wedding" when you are surrounded by family and friends (even newly met ones) seems a little over-dramatic.
I'm sorry that things are turning out so different from your vision - that has to be hard. I grew up Orthodox, and I know how much religion and culture can be intertwined.
I tend to agree with some of the other posters, though, that if you're upset about the guest list, that's what you should talk to your MIL about, not the dancing. Are there things from traditional "Western" weddings that you'd like to include (such as a first dance, having your father walk you to the door of the church, garter toss, etc)? Maybe make sure that you include those things as well. What language is the service going to be in? You may want to ask your priest to do a bilingual service so that your family can follow along. Also, you may want to reach out to other converts to Orthodox church, and possibly other priests' wives, since it's a very different culture and religion.
Good luck!
@MrsLantern:Thanks for the support.
Another thing to think about - as things were developing, and I was feeling totally controlled by his parents, I started making a point of discussing with my fiance whether whatever issue was important to him or just to his parents. I realized that it was necessary to make that distinction. As long as I was agreeing to things that were important to him - and not just things his parents wanted - I felt a lot less out of control and accepting of the situation.
banning greek dancing will not solve anything.. when u agreed to marry him u knew that he of greek descent and u embraced that, dont make decisions that will come back and bite u, cos he will always remember that u didnt allow his cultural dance at the wedding.
This is so opposite My Big Fat Greek Wedding! I say the more the merrier---you only get married once, why not embrace all the people who are there not only for your FI, but for you as a couple? Bite the bullet and let them all come...and celebrate with dancing!!
I'll be the voice of dissent at this point in the thread :)
I agree with some PP that you are being unreasonable in that you are not addressing what is truly bothering you - the size of the guest list and your fear of feeling out of place and uncomfortable at your wedding.
But - I don't necessarily agree with the 'completely embrace your FI's culture and everything your FFIL wants.' I will respectfully disagree with you - although you say you have no 'culture' needed to be represented at your wedding, I promise you that you do. Everyone has culture. Period.
Yes, you are marrying both your FI and his family (b/c that's how it goes) but a compromise needs to be reached where BOTH parties are comfortable - not just one side. I think fleur99 had excellent advice when she mentioned that when things got brought up, she'd find out if it was important to her FI or just her FI's parents.
Maybe the compromise is the current guest list, but zero courtesy invites. Maybe it's something else. But a common ground needs to be reached and your FI needs to be the one leading the hunt for it.
EDIT: How much are they contributing financially? As terrible as it sounds, that does play a part. I know if FI's parents had their way, we'd have a 300 person wedding (they're Mexican but they don't do padrinos for weddings, only quinceaneras) and we'd go into an enormous amount of debt for it. But they can't afford to host that type of wedding, and FI & I are not willing to go into debt for it, so that was the end of the big wedding talk for me.
Hi bees,
Thanks for all of your thoughts. I think I posted when I really emotional about it. I've calmed down a lot about it. I've told FI that I might be convinced to put greek dancing back in (when I talked to him Sunday night, it was "I am not going to change my mind about this.")
@fleur99 your advice was the most helpful to me, as you seemed to be able to relate the most.
@qui40067 re: what they are contributing. I thought a lot about it, based on what the other bees were saying. What IS the actual issue? Is it the guest list? the dancing? Nope. It's the cost.
See, for our $25K wedding my parents are contributing $5500 (but with only 42 guests, it's about $130 per guest). The purpose of my visit to the ILs this weekend was to "talk wedding" including getting a financial number out of them (I made that very clear to FI ahead of time). Instead of getting a number, I got 30 more guests. THAT was the real issue, because my FI is a student and so can't help contributing and I make good money but I'm trying to pay off signficant student loans and put money into RRSP (American friends, this is I think 401K), which I can borrow from for a downpayment on a house. So I'm still waiting on a contribution amount from the in-laws. Once I get that, I think I will get over the guest list thing.
Thanks again bees!
Something really bothered me about your post. You said you have no culture or heritage. However, just as your husband has his greek culture you have your candian culture. It doesn't seem this way only because you are imersed in Canada daily. Don't sell yourself short :)
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I just thought I would ask your opinion on something.
I am Canadian, with no 'heritage' or 'culture' or 'religion' on my side of the family that I need to have represented at our wedding.
My FI is half greek (his Dad born in Greece, Mom's side all 3rd + generation Canadian), but is being ordained by the church to become a Chaplain for the Canadian Forces.
So for our wedding, we're getting married at his church, I will be converting to Greek Orthodoxy and his guests FAR outnumber mine. I wanted a wedding of less than 100 people. I have 42 guests, he has 105 right now and that I'm told by FI and FMIL that this does NOT include "courtesy" invations (ie. they were invited to their son's wedding, so a courtesy invitation, but not liikely to attend). Apparently this is a bare-boned list.
I felt very overwhelmed by all of this. I don't care that the greek's are generous and the gifts will be lavish/cash. My vision of the wedding is being surrounded by the people I love. But I feel like I will be a stranger at my own wedding given that I don't know at least half of the guest list (FMIL just added 20 guests this weekend!). I get the cultural thing, I get that Greeks expect big weddings and that not inviting "everyone" that my FILs will be in the dog house. Frankly, I don't give a damn.
So I put my foot down today. No greek dancing.
Is that unreasonable? I came to the conclusion that I will feel alientated at my own wedding. FI thinks that people on my side might want to get up and try and it will be fun (especially liquored up after the open bar). I just don't see that happening. I think they will be intimidated, because the guets will be 2/3s greek and won't feel welcomed to try.
Now, I'm not on this board to get the sympathy of the bees (because no doubt some of you will see my side); however, play devil's advocate, tell me how I am being unreasonable, if you think so.
Many thanks!