Am I being Unreasonable? *Sister/Family issues*

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
472 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@brooke25:  I am so sorry your dealing with this.  Unfortuantely you can’t dictate how people spend their money, i know it’s REALLY frustrating especially when something is so important to you. I’ve been there multiple times.

How close are you and your sister?

I guess what I would do is just not include her kids in the wedding.  Save for the wedding as if they were going to come, but tell her it’s not practical to include the kids in the wedding if you don’t know until 1/2 months before the wedding.  That you’d love/be thrilled for her and her family to attend however.

That’s just honestly how i’d go around it.

Post # 4
1719 posts
Bumble bee

No, it’s not unreasonable at all. I suggest giving her a date by which she has to tell you whether  she’s attending. If she doesn’t respond by that time, you can chalk that up as her saying she won’t be there. 

I understand why this hurts you, I do, but it sounds like she’s been that way for a while now. Expecting her to change for this will do little but make what should be a mostly joyous occasion, a somber occasion.  

Maybe, as a way to have your family there without them having to spend money, you can find a way to stream the ceremony so that they can watch it while it’s happening. It may not be as good as them being there in the flesh, but maybe it will solve some of these issues. 


I hope things work out well.


Post # 5
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

im sorry you have to deal with this. My FI’s famiily is similar. It means so much to him to have his family at the wedding but getting his brother, nieces and nephews to come is like pulling teeth..  I wouldn’t plan on making your nieces jr bridesmaids if they may not make it. I’m sure they would appreciate the gifts though, just to feel like a part of your day.  It’s not their fault that they may not attend. 

Post # 9
1036 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@brooke25:  That is so frustrating! The hardest part is that sure “you cant dictate how people spend their money” but its a huge slap in the face when you learn that you are not worth their effort. 

Even if thats not what they mean….thats certainly how it feels. 

Is it possible to financially help them yourself at all? I know its so tough when you are already paying for a wedding. My husband’s sister and her two kids live in New Zealand and Me, My husband, his parents, and his other sister all said we would get together and split the kid’s fares. From New zealand to ireland was obviously a lot more than $250-$600 per ticket, so it is more understandable why they couldnt save enough on their own.

I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. Is it also possible they could drive if they cant afford the flight? I know that would be a brutal drive with kids though….

I would talk to her – tell her how important it is to you that they are there and how you want her in your pictures forever. Tell her you are a little hurt and its really hard to take the idea of her not being there. You might as well be honest. :-/


Post # 11
1321 posts
Bumble bee

Wow, that must be painful to get a reaction like that from your siblings, especially your sister.  A lot of times, people are really selfish when it comes to weddings and anything to do with spending money.  If it’s not an event that’s about them, some people will stir up drama or cause problems for the bride/groom.  And if people have to spend money that’s not for them, some people can get really cheap/stingy or they’ll whine/complain and act like they’re super broke even though they conveniently had the money to go on a vacation or to buy themselves something nice/expensive.

After reading that your older sister also has had a habit of coming to you for money during Uni for things that weren’t necessary, it sounds like she and your brother don’t have it in them to plan for long-term spending goals, and your sister especially is prone to be very self-centered particularly around her money.

I would really encourage you to let go of dreaming of having your siblings and your nieces/nephews all attend your wedding as a happy, loving, 100% supportive & unselfish family.  It’s not going to happen from your post.  If anything, I would bet in your sister’s mind she thinks YOU are being the selfish one for having a wedding far away, inconvenient for them, and will cost them $$$ to simply attend.  And with that self-centered attitude, it’s gonna be like pulling teeth with your sister to get anything concrete from her on her plans and anytime you are disappointed/hurt by her behavior she’s going to flip it around and blame you.  It’ll be crazy-making and the more you hold on and “try,” the more she’s gonna walk all over you and do things to make you feel frustrated/upset.  

Just let it go.  I know you postponed your wedding an extra year to help your family save enough $$, but your siblings aren’t that type of people with their money.  To protect what family relations you do have, let your family do whatever they want and focus 100% on your life you’re going to create with your FI, and love & appreciate the people who ARE there for you. 

Post # 12
11379 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@brooke25:  unfortunately this is what you have to expect when you invite oot guests regardless if it’s family or not.

people are entitled to spend their hard earned money on what they choose.  if a family vacation to jamaica is their priority over your wedding, so be it. 

keep in mind that time also plays a factor.  some people just cannot take the time off of work.  maybe they don’t have enough vacation days left and cannot afford unpaid time off or simply need to be at work.

typically for weddings, the invitation is sent out 8 weeks prior and the rsvp is around 2-4 weeks prior to the day.  your wedding is in june.  i wouldn’t expect your guests to rsvp until may at the earliest.  asking your sister to commit early is unrealistic. 

i would suggest to plan your wedding without your sister’s children involved in the wedding.  it’s fair to say that they are not in a position to commit so don’t force them. 

don’t take it personally.  focus on the guests who will be attending, not the ones who cannot.

Post # 13
7240 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Shina:  I totally agree with your entire post.

OP I feel for you, especially for postponing for a year. But this just proves that you never base your plans on other people, especially when they have already proven themselves as historically unreliable. People dont change from their core values. Just operate like they arent coming. Judge Mathis says tax money is the biggest con going. Its fantasy play money that even if she gets enough to pay for everyone, doesnt mea sheactually will.

Post # 14
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

No, you’re totally reasonable. Unlike your INSANE family!

I would WALK to your wedding if I had to, as your sister! I would not just consider not going!


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