Am I being unreasonable? Thoughtless Maid of Honour? Opinions please…

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2012

“She’s a fabulous sales person and her negotiating skills would be invaluable at an event such as this” 
Have you put it to her like this?  It sounds like maybe she needs a gentle reminder of what the bridal fair is going to be like, and how genuinely helpful it would be to have her there and giving her full attention.  Otherwise, could the 2 BMs who volunteered to babysit come with you as well?  Gives you someone to hang with if mum ends up being distracted by child, and they could be a couple of helping hands with the kid.  Kind of make an informal girlie day of it.  Perhaps suggest a ladies’ lunch or glass of wine after as an extra incentive to leave the little one happily elsewhere?


Member
9451 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I get how you’re feeling, but at the same time, she has a small child to take care of, plus other things going on in her life.  Your wedding is still a year and a half away, so it’s likely not on the top of her priority list yet. I’m not saying that’s right, I’m just saying that’s how it is.  I started planning my wedding about 18 months out too, and no one really seemed to care or make an effort, but that’s because it’s just too far away for people to really plan for. 

Perhaps she’s not willing to use a babysitter (has she before?) or there is another issue behind the scenes that you don’t know about.  Regardless, I think that if you want her to attend, and she won’t get a babysitter, you’re either going to have to decide if having her there is the important part, or going alone/not at all is a better option. 

Member
867 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

@sazzle:  Mmm…yeah, it doesn’t sound like she is devoting a lot of time and effort to being your MIL. Yeah, she shouldn’t have missed your engagement party and she should honour her commitments. But what you don’t seem to be keeping in mind is that she has her own life. She’s a working single mother with a small child to look after. I know excuses like ‘I’m just REALLY busy’ don’t sound very true, but as the child of a single mum I can assure you this probably means she’s swarmed under. You don’t have a child and the commitments that she does so it’s hard for you to understand how it is for her, I get that. It’s also annyoing when you realise that nobody cares about your wedding nearly as much as you, your mum and your FI do. 

As for not leaving her child with a babysitter, yeah that is annyoing and kind of rude too. Don’t be afraid to be up front about it. Tell her that you know how much little Jayden hates being pushed in a stroller, point out the stairs issue and say that you’re worried that her daughter will become irritable and disturb other patrons. If she insists her child will behave, tell her that it’s fine and that you’ll take your FSIL or mum if she really feels like she can’t leave her child. PLEASE don’t let her bring her baby though because I guarentee you that you’re NOT going to get a warm reception from vendors or shoppers if you’re toting a screaming, food throwing toddler with you.

So yeah, I don’t think that your MIL is being thoughtless (at least not intentionally) she just has more important things in her life right now than your wedding. I know it’s sometimes hard to read on WeddingBee about some 23 year old bride whose 7 sorority sister bridesmaids are just soooo excited to be making pre wedding scrapbooks and inspiration boards and could write the book on bachelorette parties and thinking ‘why can’t I have that?!’. But the reality is that if you’re not a young twentysomething who’s marrying her high school sweetheart straight out of school, then your BMs probably have busy schedules and a friend (even a BFF) getting married isn’t the BFD-be-all-and-end-all it used to be. Sorry. 

If you feel like your MOH is reluctant to get herself involved in the wedding or disinterested then have a talk with her about it. Tell her you understand she’s busy and ask her if there’s anything you could maybe do to help her out to free her up a bit or something. Ask her if you’ve done something wrong. DON’T make it about what she’s doing wrong, because chances are she probably feels pretty bad about all of this. 

Member
1327 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@andreae:  Read my bridesmaids posts…I feel your pain.

I have considered all of your suggestions and I would just like to stress that I asked her to be my maid of honour because of who she is and what our freindship means to us, not because i expected her to cater to my every need in the coming months. I really don’t want our wedding to drive any sort of wedge between a solid friendship, so I suppose i cam on here just to get it off my chest rather than approach her.

- yup…you sound just like me last year.

Nice that she got to go first, huh? And had all your attention then for her milestones…now that you need her and it’s your turn she’s MIA.

She’s being a sh*tty friend in return. It’s true. You will have to be the bigger person and I know exactly how you feel. You have every right to feel disappointed.

 

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