Post # 1
SO and I both want kids and we’ve made it clear from Day One. I know he’s always wanted kids and it’s one of the things he most looks forward to in life. This is the same for me – great!
However, I’ve been wondering if he might prioritize the kids over me once they’re here. For example, he once mentioned that he may not want/let me to get an epidural if he does research and concludes that it’s bad for the baby/will do lasting damage. I don’t think it’s his call because he won’t be the one giving birth. I mean, I know not getting an epi would be ideal, but until I’m experiencing that kind of pain, I don’t know if I will decide later that I need it. Either way, it’s not his call.
In my experience, from witnessing different families around me, couples that prioritize each other first have the happiest families and well-adjusted kids. Couples that put the kids first and leave their relationship on the back burner don’t fare so well – those relationships tend to disintegrate/implode. They tend to blame each other for everything that goes wrong and they’ll turn on each other because of the kids.
I asked him last night if I were giving birth and it really wasn’t going well, and the doctor thinks only one of us could survive and asks him to choose, would he choose to save me or the baby. He flat out refused to answer, said it was a stupid question, and that it was morbid. I didn’t think it was so hard – I wasn’t asking him to choose between his mother and I, two people he already is attached to. This is a hypothetical child who doesn’t exist yet. So I said what if after this ordeal we can try to get pregnant again? He still wouldn’t answer me.
Should I be concerned or am I borrowing trouble?
Post # 3
I think you’re reading way too much into it. My FI and I have always wanted children, and we’re looking forward to it. He’ll make comments like ” 6 months before we start trying you’re going to stop drinking wine or taking tylenol when you have a headache.” He’s also said I’m not allowed to be around anyone who smokes, which I think is hilarious because his whole family does, so I guess I don’t have to attend any family events for a very long time. I think for guys they feel like it’s their job to protect you and the children, I know that’s how my FI see’s it. Awhile ago someone started a thread asking would you save your spouse or child if both were drawning. I asked my FI and he said that he would save our child and that he hopes that I would do the same. I don’t think it means that our relationship isn’t his main priority, but I think when you have kids it’s sometimes hard to seperate your married relationship from the family relationship so finding quality time to spend together after having children is the key.
Post # 4
- Wedding: October 2013 - Vine Street Church
We would be having a serious come-to-Jesus if my fiance thought he had ANY say in what I do to my body during birth. I plan for an all-natural, midwife-led birth at The Farm, and nothing he says about that matters to me because it’s my body, not his. Fortunately, he feels the same and doesn’t try to say anything like that.
He also isn’t in medicine, but I am, so he hasn’t tried to say anything about stopping medications or alcohol because he knows that I’m well-versed in that, but he is not. He knows I’m working with my doctors to deal with my medications. He sees me as an adult who can make her own decisions rather than attempting to hand-hold.
I have a big problem with men getting involved in physical decisions regarding childbearing, and that’s one of the reasons that I go to female practitioners only when it regards gynecology and obstetrics.
If you’re worried about him putting the child above you, and it’s affecting your decision to procreate, you guys should probably talk to a therapist about your concerns before doing anything else.
Post # 5
I think that it is actually kind of nice that your partner is actually THAT concerned with the well-being of his future child Most men are clueless and don’t even care to learn about those types of things. Kudos to him for being that involved!
That being said, when it comes down to it, it’s YOUR body and you have final say as to whether or not you get an epi…hopefully he realizes and understands that fact.
Post # 6
It’s nice that he cares, but I would be livid if I was in the delivery room, in massive pain, and refused an epi because my husband didn’t like it. If he thinks it’s best for the baby, then he can give birth.
Post # 7
@thejucheidea: +1 My DH’s opinion is, “Do whatever you feel is best.” Now, he’ll be working in the medical field, so I’m sure he’ll have comments or whatever, but he will always let me choose and support my decision.
I think you should talk to him again about this. I don’t think it’s a red flag yet, but it could be something to be concerned about. These are the kinds of things that need to be worked out BEFORE you get married, because they’re the things that can often cause rifts down the road.
Post # 8
Guess I’m in the minority but if my DH told me that an epidural is his call, hell I’d be peeved as hell.
I’d be peeved if DH didn’t answer empatically me, and downright scared of the decision he might make being put in that situation.
When my grandma was giving birth to my mom, he frist child, she had complications and it came down to that question. Granddad said save grandma without thinking about it at all. Luckily my mom was also saved. Grandma went on to have 4 more kids.
I’d be horrified if my DH told me any of these things that yours did. I’m suprized people don’t see it this way.
Post # 9
@Pisces: …yeah, I wouldn’t answer that question either…Talk about loaded….and I’m sure you weren’t looking to trap him or start a fight, but no reasonable man on this earth would dare say one way or the other, because its a psychotic and ridiculous thing to ask, doctors would NEVER make the spouse choose because they save who can be saved and thats it AND no matter what he says, he looks like a monster who would either toss his wife into the abyss for his child OR abandon his helpless baby to save his wife….they both suck.
If you want to know the truth, you’re being nuts, its important to keep your spouse as a priority once you have kids, but trust me, most of your time, energy and attention goes to the kids for a long time out of necessity…if you are feeling like that’s not going to work for you, time to re-asses the kids situation.
As far as the epidural goes, good thing the doctors aren’t going to ask him what he wants..its all about you lady…AND when he’s confronted with the birthing reality in living color and watching you endure it…he’ll probably be more amenable to the entire thing, just so you can be as comfortable as possible.
Post # 10
I do think your husbands opinion should be taken into consideration. It is his baby too, and he should be allowed to say how he feels. I think you should have the final say, but to say “it is my body so I get to choose” to every decision isn’t really fair to him.
Hopefully the two of you will have time to gather information and come up with a game plan when the time comes. Working as a team during labor with my husband was a really special time.
As far as asking who he would choose, I don’t think that question is fair at this point and I don’t blame him for refusing to answer.
Post # 11
He’s smart to not have answered that question. I think your completely over analyzing things. Relax.
Post # 12
he can express his opinions about what he wants, but if FI told me he wasn’t going to LET me do something that involved my own body we would be having a serious converation about that.
Post # 13
Completely over reacting on this one. The question you asked wasn’t fair nor should have been asked about who would be saved. I wouldn’t have answered either.
While I agree a man can have his opinions on an Epi, however unless he is the one giving birth he has no say what so ever if you have one or not. That is up to you.
It is awesome he is concerned but until he can give birth how you deal with the labor and delivery is really up to you and your doctor/s
Post # 14
Those particular questions I wouldn’t worry about. But in terms of me or the kids – those are discussions you need to have before the kids are born. You need to be on the same page parenting-style wise or you will be in for trouble. I also know a couple who imploded as soon as the baby came along (and it was mostly her who was all about the baby and not at all about him). Those couple usually have other issues, but it’s good to get that out in the open before you start fighting about organic vs. non baby food and he gets on your case about eating McD’s while you’re pregnant.
Post # 15
I think there should be a happy medium. That’s an ideal situation. I definitely think no matter what, you guys should be on the same page in your approach and figure out how you are going to compromise to make that happen well before you start trying to have children. It would be irresponsible in my opinion to go into parenthood and not be on the same page and acting as a united front from day one.
Post # 16
He might have thought you were trying to trap him with the hypothetical question. I wouldn’t worry about that, if the situation were to happen the doctors would do what they could for whoever had the better chance.
The no epidural thing though? Screw him on that one, it’s not his body or his pain so he gets no say whatsoever there.