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So FI and I got engaged Oct 2009 since then we have been planning a June 2012 wedding. My FBIL (who is in college) got enagaged this past novemeber and wanted to get married June 2012 too. We told him that we didn't have enough money to pay for our wedding and then a tux, flower girl dress, and wedding gift the same time we are paying for our wedding.
So yesterday we found out that they are planning on having a destination wedding in Cancun after Christmas this year. I am so mad...We couldn't afford a tux and dress but we can afford a 3000.00 destination wedding the week after Christmas? Him and his FI are both in college without jobs, how can they afford it? My FI is mad because he can't go to his only brother's wedding (I would be too)
So now his brother text him and said we will have a reception back home after the wedding, they plan on wearing a dress and tux and "reannact" the wedding. How in the world can they afford it? Why does he have no respect for the rest of us? I'm just SOOO mad about this. Maybe I'm being crazy but FI really want's to go, How can I tell him no? We just can't afford it. We would have to save literally every penny just so he could go, and then not have the wedding that we want, since about 3000.00 is OUR WHOLE BUDGET!!!! Let me know if im being crazy!
I don't think you're being crazy at all. I think that a DW is something that people have to be careful with - if your FAMILY can't afford to attend, then to me, it's not worth it. My FI and I thought about it but essentially decided that we didn't want to put our families in that position. So, in that aspect I totally get why you and your FI are upset by this.
I'm not sure how I'd handle it, besides being pretty irritated with the sibling... If it were my brothers, I'd be like "UH huh, you paying?" Lol. But I don't know what to tell you. :/ Sorry. ((hug))
What does your FI want to do??
Maybe just tell his brother that unless he's paying, your FI can't make the DW but you can surely make the local one. I don't think your FI needs to be at both of them, you know? What would be the point, since they are going to recreate the whole wedding at the local reception, anyway?
@AmeliaBedelia:He keeps saying that he doesn't want to go, but when he was on the phone with his mom tonight, he started crying. So I know he would feel bad missing his wedding.
The only people in his family that can afford to make it would be his parents. The rest of us would go bankrupt trying to pay off a credit card so we could go. I don't get how he wouldn't want any of his family there?
@luckyprincess:But then what would be the point of getting married somewhere else? Why not just do it here?
@AmandaY: I guess if it's not important to them, then you can't force it on them. Maybe they just want an intimate wedding and don't want to word it like that, and are then trying to make that possible by making it unaffordable?
Of course I see your view, because I think the same way. Family is more important than a fancy destination to me. But, I suppose to some it's not or they have a vision of how they want to incorporate family differently.
I can sorta understand why you're upset, but at the same time, you can't really be mad at people for having the wedding that they want. I think that it's good that they're having an at home reception for those that aren't able to make it... if they really want to have it somewhere else, why deprive them of that?
I tend to favor more on the side of the wedding day being about what the bride and groom want than what's convenient for others though... for some people, their wedding is more about their family and friends.. and there's nothing wrong with that either.
ETA: I may also be biased because I plan to have a destination wedding with an at home reception as well... it's just what my SO & I want. We could easily have the whole shebang here in Atlanta... but that's not what we want.
I would be upset as well!
Why do the want to "reannact" the wedding? I think that is crazy!
If you guys can't afford it then that is just how it is...eventhough it stinks he will have to miss his brothers wedding :(
@MsFoxxy:See but they wanted to have a wedding at home. They wanted to do it the same time as us. We told them we would change our date if they wanted us to, we just couldn't afford both.
i dont think this is about them not having respect for you, but people are entitled to have their wedding how they want it. doesnt mean you dont have the right to feel upset for your FI not being able to attend but people make choices with whats available to them and if your FI cant go then thats how it is.
you dont mention your FBIL FI, maybe something on her side prompted the destination wedding and again, thats a choice they made for themselves
I'm with MsFoxxy here too. You can't fault FBIL and his FI for having the wedding they want. If the destination is more important than having your FI there, then thats their decision. But they if they are having a reception back home, at least he can go to that. What if FI just went to the wedding on his own if money is tight. It's still over a year away, could he just get a part time job to save up for the flight and crash with his parents down there?
Okay, if I'm understanding, it sounds like they wanted to do the wedding in June, but you guys asked them not to do it then because of the cost of your own wedding. Then they decided to do a destination wedding with a home reception afterwards. It sounds like they are only really concerned about your FI attending the home reception if they brought that up when you again brought up the expense of their wedding. I wonder if they decided it was less important to include the family who can't afford to go to the destination as a reaction to you guys weighing in on their original plan.
Either way, I would try to focus on your own wedding. Obviously, you can only attend what you can afford and they seem to recognize that. I can't imagine they like continually hearing that their plans are too expensive for you.
While I can see why you are upset, I think it is a little off mark. For some people a wedding is a very personal thing and it is not important to them if there are others there to share it. They may have other personal reasons for wanting a DW. Maybe the bride has people she doesn't want there? As far as affording it, maybe the brides parents are paying. It really isn't your business how their wedding is being paid for.
I can completely understand why you and your FI would be upset about not being able to attend their wedding due to money. I also understand how there can me hurt feelings and maybe a bit of competitiveness when two siblings are getting married at the same time (I know it pained me when my husbands brother proposed to his girlfriend after being together for less than a year, while my husband (bf at time) had been together for 6 or 7 years and we still weren't engaged...but I soon realized it was THEIR life to live and we were living ours). It sounds like your husband needs to call his brother and have an adult conversation about how he feels about missing the "real" wedding due to finances and much he wishes he could be there. He can explain that while he has a year to save and plan for it, it just wont be feasible due to the cost of your upcoming wedding. While it is not ideal, maybe the two of you can save enough to send just your FI?
@eloping: I agree!
It doesn't look like this is going to be easy for you guys, but I doubt that they are doing it on purpose. They are making plans for them, just like you are making plans for you. Make the best of it and focus on your big day.
We can't afford to send him...The cost for him to go alone is about 3 grand. When I said the amount I meant for just him to go. I know I shouldn't worry about a lot of these things, but I seriously am sitting here crying my eyes out because FI want's to go and we just can't send him. I am almost considering putting out wedding off another year just so we can send him.? I really don't know what to do.
Perhaps you could find a different package or stay for fewer days. There are frequent flight deals to Cancun, and you can find some good hotel deals on travel websites.
I think postponing your wedding for another year so you can afford to send him out there is a tad on the dramatic side. That may not be your intent, but that's likely how your FBIL and his FI will interpret it. I'd probably see it as a bit of a guilt trip and would be pretty put off by it, myself.
While I think it's kind of crappy to plan a wedding that none of your family can realistically attend, at the end of the day it's the couple's choice to make. They're coming back to have a reception here and going so far as to re-enact the ceremony, so I'd just go to that. You could even try skyping the actual ceremony or something like that.
My brother got married on September 12, 2001. I was supposed to fly out to the wedding on September 11. For obvious reasons, that didn't happen. They ended up coming out to California to do a reception for everyone here and it was great. In my mind, THAT was when I saw my brother get married.
I know it really sucks right now, but it's honestly not as big of an issue as you're making it. It's certainly not worth bawling your eyes out over. You guys WILL see your FBIL get married, it'll just be one out of two times.
Unfortunately, if 3k is the only budget you have for your own wedding and it would cost close to that for your FI to go to his brother's wedding... well your only choices are for him to go and for you to postpone or your FI will only be able to attend the local reception.
It sucks, I can understand why you're upset, but in the end it's their wedding and they get to decide what it's going to be.
Uh, don't postpone your own wedding for theirs. They are making this choice as adults. Other PPs have had some good suggestions; it doesn't have to cost 3 grand for your FI to go.
I would be pretty upset if I didn't get to see my sibling married (well, in your case, your FI's sibling), but don't go so far as to postpone your wedding! Just attend the at-home version. It's their choice on how they want to do it. Their wedding is very important, but you'll be able to see them afterwards, it's not like it's the only time you'll ever be able to celebrate their marriage.
Take deep breaths and think peaceful thoughts! It will all come out okay in the end!
Have you ever considered that maybe they don't want other people at their wedding? I think people plan DWs to get away from a big wedding. It sucks because your family and they should have considered how you would attend but then again it doesn't sound like your presence means that much to them. Dont sweat it!
Y would it cost 3 grand to just send him them? seems like a bit way too much. If he goes just for the wedding I'm pretty sure it could be done in 1 or less.
I'd be upset. People shouldn't plan their wedding around what the guests want, but planning a destination wedding when members of your immediate family cannot afford to attend is really kind of rude. I'd be hurt and angry. I wouldn't make my family chose, or force them to spend a lot of money that they don't have in this economy to attend my wedding.
on a side note, I can't imagine how anyone can afford to plan, much less attend a DW these days.
@mrstilly: DWs are usually cheaper than the average wedding. Like I said before, I think a lot of people plan the DWs to have a private wedding away from everyone, sometimes including immediate family. It shouldnt be taken personal.
She said Cancun that's why I couldn't imagine it being 3K.
DW's are cheaper if it is just you and FI, but with guests they are way more expensive since its hard to shop around and DIY is quite impossible.
No one said u have to go to their DW. But your FI should make every effort to be there - it's his brother. And it's their wedding and they can do what they want.
@missmichigan: It's cheap because it's scaaaaaaaaaary. No one wants to go there or Mexico for that matter because of activity going on there. I wouldn't go to the wedding even if I had the money quite honestly. Maybe that's me being paranoid.
I agree. I'm gonna let you in on kind of a secret about me and my sweetie - we really don't want a ceremony in front of everyone and are contemplating having a "DW" in Paris or somewhere where we know that no one else could really make it. We just want a beautiful, private ceremony between the two of us. Could it be that his bro is trying to gently do the same thing?
What would cost 3k to go to cancun? Its a popular destination so I imagine air would not be that bad. Are you including hotel and car rentals and stuff? Is there no way he can stay with his parents and ride with them while down there? If money is such an issue, I would hope they would understand and try to help him out so that his only expense is airfare and hopefully he can find some budget dining.
I would be upset too! It seems like these reenactments are becoming more and more popular. Someone I went to school with got married a year or two ago in another state and is coming home to do a reenactment for hometown friends. I guess its a way to try to include everyone. Definitely not my taste, we'll have our real wedding and that's it. Maybe in 10 or 25 years we'll renew our vows or something but no reenactments. It definitely sounds like they are putting you in a tough position. Maybe they can't afford a wedding and a honeymoon so they are trying to cut down on costs (though the at home reenactment makes that unlikely). If you FI wants to go is there anyway to cut back on costs. Like maybe you could stay home, and instead of him going for a week he could fly down the day before and leave the day after. No matter what it's going to stink, it sounds.
Let me give you guys a little more backround. They got engaged in November. For 4 weeks they text everyday asking if we were for sure getting married 2012. We told them then we would change our date for them.
As for him going to their wedding, a flight was 800.00 His parents were talking about driving to Texas, so that they could get a flight for 200. Meaning he would have to stay as long as everyone else does. (5 days they said) 230.00 a night means 1000.00 And he has to get a passport.
His Brother today told him that their parents are going, the brides parents are going, the brides brothers are going, and 4 of his high school friends will be there. He told FI that he would really like for him to be there, and obviously Fi wants to be there.
Today they told us they are going to go to the courthouse and get married before they go, so they are going to have a reannactment on the beach, and then another one when they have a reception, in April or May.
Could he not just take the $800 flight (is this round trip?) and stay for two nights? Add in the passport and you're still under $1500. Now, $230 a night is ridiculous. There are other hotels and he could find a better rate probably very close by, as it's cancun. It's a touristy area, so will have lots of hotels with different rates.
Well, your FI can go to the court house wedding and the at home reception. Problem solved. I am having a Semi-DW wedding in Sonoma and I wont have it any other way.
@AmeliaBedelia:That's what I was thinking too, but his brother want's him to stay at the same hotel so he "KNOWS" that he will be at his wedding "your coming for the wedding after all" And they want to ride together to Texas so they can all share the fee's to rent vehicles and gas. I know it's only about 1500 for just him to go, but when we are planning a wedding 5 months later, 1500 takes up half our budget. Plus they are going over Christmas, flights are crazy that time of the year!
@Mochacoca:This is what I want him to do, but his brother is mad because if his friends can make it why can't his brother! Ugh he's being so crazy!
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